Friday, June 25, 2021

I'm Fat

 


Not Jabba the Hut level, Peter Griffin, or Homer Simpson, or Mr. Creosote (vomiting guy from Monty Python “The Meaning of Life”), but chubbier than I’d like - somewhat around the "before" picture for Bradley Cooper.  I earn the dubious distinction of having a Dad bod without being a dad.  D’oh!

 I’ve never been skinny – that’s my brother’s department. I have had broad shoulders and decent muscles, so I am of the athletic build.  Rugby was the only sport I played, and mostly in high school.   My brother’s reward for playing in business school was to injure his knee to the point of requiring surgery.  Probably not worth it.

 My weight has gone up to around 240, from around 200 a few years ago.  This was not a sudden gain but a gradual one over the years.  I actually sat down and plotted the progress on Excel, cross referencing it with my notes for contemporaneous exercise.  What I found was that despite exercising consistently and regularly, which included weight lifting and cardio (treadmill), my weight still steadily increased. 

 A few years past I tried a diet supplement called Chroma Slim (or Lean), which I bought from GNC.  The active ingredients are L-carnitine and chromium picolinate.  That initially worked wonders:  it stimulated my metabolism and I lost 30 pounds.  However, at some point the supplement stopped working and I gained the weight back.  Periodically I’d purchase L-carnitine and chromium picolinate from GNC, but they no longer work.

 Another supplement I tried was capaiscin, called “BURN”.  Well, it burned my wallet but not my fat, notwithstanding a slick 30 minute infomercial talking about how capsaicin, the ingredient of cayenne peppers that makes them hot and spicy, can act as a powerful thermogenic if concentrated with other (proprietary) ingredients in a special supplement.  Well, I tried it and it did exactly nothing.  I do eat hot salsa (habanero or ghost pepper) with chips.  

 Incidentally, the FDA doesn’t seem to do much.  Product liability suits may take care of anything actually harmful – in theory – but they fall short if the producer is overseas.  In any case the FDA's role is simply to make sure these aren't actually harmful.

Even if a supplement is not harmful, it may well be ineffective:  sugar pills, snake oil, and glorified placebos.  It seems the supplement industry managed to get around this by slapping a disclaimer on the label: “The FDA has not evaluated these claims”.  If Consumer Reports has done an evaluation of weight loss products, I’d love to hear about it – especially if they managed to find one that actually works.  The agencies responsible for battling fraudulent claims, i.e. supplements which aren't harmless but don't work as promised, are the Federal Trade Commission and Department of Justice.  But in terms of effectively policing the weight loss supplement market, these agencies are ineffective.  Whether this is due to simple incompetence, overworked (they don't have the budget to effectively do their jobs) or actual collusion with the industry they're supposed to be monitoring, I couldn't tell you.  

 I’m already drinking green tea and a caffeine pill, the latter to get caffeine without drinking soda, which is how we’d normally get it.  I must be the only adult who can’t stand coffee (disgusted Kirsten Wiig face here).  Fortunately green tea has some caffeine in it.  I actually switched from soda to green tea back in 2008, but still no major results.  Doctors have advised me that metabolism slows down as we age, and as noted, I’ve yet to find any supplement successful at beefing it back up again.  

 Three Buff Dudes. 

Bradley Cooper buffed up for “The A-Team” (2010).  Born in 1975, he was 35 at that time.  As he described it, doing so required intense exercise and strict diet – and finally he decided that doing so was not worth it beyond the role itself. 

Hugh Jackman buffed up for his Wolverine roles.  Born in 1968, he’s about my age.  Those roles, in eight movies from 2000 to 2017, cover his age from 32 to 49.  By the later time this meant exercising full-time, but he was being well paid to do exactly that.  I'm guessing the adamantium skeleton and retractable claws were CGI...

Rob McIlhenney, aka “Mac” from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, recently joined the buff crowd.  Born in 1977, he’s now 44 years old.  Sharing his secrets, so to speak, he indicated that it requires 40 hours a week of exercise (“forget having a normal, full-time job”) and bizarre diet of eating nothing enjoyable at all.  He also complained that compliments came mostly from other guys, and his own wife wasn’t nearly as thrilled as he’d hoped, as it now put pressure on her to maintain her own weight.  I suppose she may have been concerned that it also attracted competition for her; but although "Mac" may have "come out", Rob has not, and as noted most of the attention was from other guys.  Oops!   

 Current routine.   Three days a week at Gold’s Gym.  Oddly, the gym shut down from March to June 2020 during COVID.  During that time I’d walk up the stairs in my high rise, and do pushups and situps at home.  Yet I weighed about the same in June 2020 when Gold’s reopened as I did in March when it closed.

 Anyhow.  Weight lifting, fly, press, and other stuff to make arms big and chest nice.   Plank, situps and leg lifts for the abs – I’ve probably got a six pack under 30 lbs. of fat.  And then cardio.  That was 30 minutes on the treadmill, until the weight gain meant nasty pain in the knees and ankles.  So I switched to the elliptical.  Still not a whole lot of results.

 Current diet.  I pulled out almost all sugar.  I substitute chicken for beef most of the time.   I allow myself one pizza a month.  For fast food I limit myself to Chipotle and those grilled chicken nuggets from Chick-Fil-A.  Lunch is often a kale salad with spinach and cucumbers.  I make vegetable smoothies (avocado, berries, green apple, banana, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, celery, kale, and spinach) which I drink every morning, plus hard boiled eggs.  As noted, green tea replaced soda long ago.  I keep beer down to 1-2 during the weekdays and no more than 4 a night during the weekends.  I try for low sodium variants of anything that has one, but it appears that everything, even sodium itself, seems to have sodium in it.  For bread I’ve been falling in love with sourdough, which falls between white and wheat bread for healthiness.  Lately I’ve been trying protein shakes and Greek yogurt.  I’ll keep trying until I find something that works.

 I certainly don’t’ expect to be able to eat whatever I want, or avoid exercising, and lose weight, least of all at my age (52).  If I couldn’t do that when I was younger, I certainly can’t do it now. 

 LENT.  By the way…   I’m Catholic, which means from Ash Wednesday (late February) to Easter Sunday (early April) I give up something.  My dad said that Sundays don’t count during Lent, but I keep it up for the full six weeks.  And some years I gave up fast food AND beer for Lent.  And guess what?  I weighed the same on Easter Sunday as I did on Ash Wednesday.  So much for that.

 Beyond that, I’ll keep up the diet and exercise and hope to find some combination that works. 

Friday, June 18, 2021

The Beatles

 


Another early blog topic.  The prior time I compared them to KISS, though the most pertinent comparison therein is the format of the band.  The main singer-songwriters are the bassist (Paul McCartney & Gene Simmons) and rhythm guitarist (John Lennon and Paul Stanley), followed by the lead guitarist (George Harrison and Ace Frehley), with the drummer at the bottom (Ringo Starr and Peter Criss).  That’s about it, and not worth an entire blog, whereas the Beatles by themselves certainly deserve one.

 Paul McCartney (bass/guitar/piano/drums & vocals).  Arguably the most handsome and versatile, “Macca” was far more congenial than Lennon.  “Yesterday” and “Let It Be” were Paul’s songs, but he also gave us “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road” and “Helter Skelter”, an amazingly heavy song for which the Stones have nothing remotely comparable.  He’s still alive (bizarre rumors to the contrary notwithstanding) and making music – I’d like to see him live if I get the chance.

 John Lennon (rhythm guitar & vocals).  Lennon was famous for being outspoken, he couldn’t be bothered with anything like tact or diplomacy.  Leave it to John to pose naked with Yoko Ono for “Two Virgins”.  He also openly criticized Elvis for his support for the Vietnam War when the two met up.  He and Yoko Ono moved to NYC in the mid 70s, living in the Dakota, an apartment building on Central Park West (Eighth Avenue as it shoots north from Columbus Circle along Central Park).  Visiting NYC in June 2009, I took a brief visit outside where Lennon was shot in December 1980.  RIP.

 George Harrison (lead guitar & vocals).   The most spiritual of the four, it was George who embraced Eastern mysticism and learned the sitar.  As a kid growing up, I couldn’t endure his more Indian-flavored songs like “Love You To” and “Within Without You”, but as an adult I can enjoy both, and I also enjoy his solo album Wonderwall.  He died of cancer in 2004. 

 Ringo Starr (Richard Starkey) (drums & vocals).   Down to earth and reliable, the shortest and least attractive, but despite this he could keep a positive attitude.  As noted above, solid enough at timekeeping that the band didn’t need a click track.   Ringo still appears in public now and then, touring occasionally. 

 Honorable Mentions:  Stuart Sutcliffe, Pete Best & George Martin.  SS was the original bass player, the band being a five piece with him and McCartney playing guitar.  The story was that he was a fellow art student and Lennon persuaded him to join, against his own preferences.   He decided to remain in Hamburg, McCartney switched to bass, and the Beatles became a four piece.  Then SS died shortly after the Beatles returned to England. 

 Pete Best was the prior drummer before Ringo Starr.  He wasn’t nearly as good a drummer as the rest of the band members were at their instruments, and Starr was known for being extremely reliable.  Starr had been the drummer for Rory Storme & the Hurricanes, the Beatles’ closest competitor in Liverpool.  Best himself declined to take up drums with the Hurricanes and never played for another band.  Summer 1962 was when Starr took over from Best.

 George Martin.  Often considered the fifth Beatle, their producer had no background with pop and rock bands before taking that role.  But he found them amazingly intelligent and innovative, pushing the envelope of what was possible in the studio.  In him they found a sympathetic and competent producer willing to grow along with them, helping them realize their ideas instead of simply insisting that “it can’t be done” or “(oh) you can’t do that”. 

 Hamburg.  One of Germany’s largest cities and an infamous port town with an equally famous red light district, the Reeperbahn.  As late as the late 60s, other British bands, most notably Black Sabbath, also did the Hamburg circuit.  The bands played multiple sets a night for bored sailors and prostitutes, so the experience was very much a musical boot camp for the bands who endured the scene – practically every band who did so came back to England much improved.  Note that the Stones, who were from London, did not do the Hamburg scene. 

Brian Epstein.  Their ill-fated manager.  He helped them out at the beginning, but as the band got more successful, his role became marginalized.  By 1967 he was scarcely there.  It's possible had he not died of a heroin overdose - the band learned of his death while visiting India - they may have steered away from Magical Mystery Tour, or their Apple company.  Sid Bernstein, the American promoter who brought them to the US in 1964, remarked that their entire agreement was oral, not written, and that no lawyers were involved:  an arrangement unthinkable in modern times.  

Ed Sullivan.  The first show was the most important, of course:  February 9, 1964.  For Americans, this was their first glimpse of the band who had already taken the UK by storm.  At this show they played "All My Loving", "Till There Was You", "She Loves" you, followed by "I Saw Her Standing There" and "I Want To Hold Your Hand".  But they played three more times:  February 16, 1964 ("She Loves You", "This Boy", "All My Loving", "I Saw Her Standing There", "From Me To You", and "I Want To Hold Your Hand"), February 23, 1964 ("Twist And Shout", Please Please Me", and "I Want To Hold Your Hand"), and a later show on September 12, 1965 ("I Feel Fine", "I'm Down", "Act Naturally", "Ticket To Ride", "Yesterday", and "Help").  It's interesting that the band, having been greatly promoted by Sullivan on the rise in 1964, repaid the favor with the 1965 show after they were already well established.

 US vs. UK/Europe.  Up until Revolver, there were separate US releases with different songs, and some songs which were singles only in one market wound up on regular albums in another.  The Beatles put out so many non-album singles that two full CDs worth of songs, Past Masters 1 & 2, exist.  Growing up in Paris, I did the idiotic thing of insisting on getting the US versions instead of simply buying the European ones in the local record store (FNAC).  When albums were released on CD, the UK versions were the ones they used, only releasing US version CDs years later.  By now I’m conditioned to the UK versions and no longer even pay attention to the US ones. 

 Albums.

Please, Please Me (March 1963).  The first, in 1963.  Half covers, the standout tracks being “Twist and Shout” and “Please Please Me”. 

 With The Beatles (November 1963).  Continuing the development, the ratio of originals to covers rising.  My favorites are “All My Loving” and “Please Mr. Postman”.

 A Hard Day’s Night (July 1964).  Ostensibly the soundtrack album for their first movie, with side two being more songs which were not in the movie – of comparable quality.  No covers at all. 

 For Sale (December 1964).   “Baby’s In Black” and “Rock’n’Roll Music” (Chuck Berry) are my favorites, but I’d count this as my least favorite album. 

 Help! (August 1965).   Ostensibly the soundtrack album for the second movie. The US version had instrumental pieces from the movie itself, with less tracks.  Here’s one area where the UK version was much better.  “The Night Before”, “Ticket To Ride”, and “Yesterday” are my favorites. 

 Rubber Soul (December 1965).  The songs are getting darker and more complex.  “You Won’t See Me”, “Nowhere Man”, “Girl”, and “in My Life” are my favorites.  

 Revolver (August 1966).  As noted, the last album where the US and UK versions are different.  It was also the last album for which they toured.  It’s capped off with one of my favorite songs, “Tomorrow Never Knows”.

 Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (May 1967).  The Beatles quit touring and put this together, blowing everyone’s minds.  The Stones’ response, Their Satanic Majesties’ Request, comes nowhere close.  Itself a response to the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds, Brian Wilson couldn’t top this – and had a nervous breakdown.  His own tentative response, Smile, was only released decades later and still doesn’t come close.  Capped off with “A Day in the Life”, a masterpiece from start to finish.  Incidentally, Pink Floyd recorded their first album, Piper at the Gates of Dawn, with Syd Barrett, next door at Abbey Road Studios at the same time the Beatles were working on Sgt. Pepper.

 Magical Mystery Tour (November 1967).  Another soundtrack album, with the second side being singles, “Strawberry Fields Forever” and “Penny Lane” (actually recorded before Sgt. Pepper) and more. 

 The Beatles (self-titled), better known as the White Album (November 1968).  A double studio album, and my own favorite thanks to “Helter Skelter” and “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”.  I could do without “Wild Honey Pie” and “Revolution #9”.  The latter is more a psychedelic mix of noises and sound effects with no discernable melody or rhythm.   When our school took a trip to the USSR (Kiev, Moscow and Leningrad) in March 1983, we sang along to these tunes in our hotel room in Kiev, including “Back in the USSR” and “Rocky Raccoon”.  Oddly, McCartney wrote the former song without having visited Russia – which only happened in 2003 [When Paul McCartney lived out his Russian dream - Russia Beyond (rbth.com)], and it was no longer the USSR by then.  It was awhile before I ever listened to side 4. 

 Yellow Submarine (January 1969 – right around the time of my birthday).  Third soundtrack album, the second side being exclusively instrumental background music done by George Martin.  “Only A Northern Song” and “Hey Bulldog” are still awesome songs.

 Let It Be (May 1970).  Recorded before Abbey Road but released after.  That puts us in the position of trying to decide in which order to put them; at first I ordered them by release, but later decided that Abbey Road should be last, for reasons noted below.  After all the studio tricks of the prior albums, the band decided to return to their roots with a bare bones album.  Then they put it on the shelf and recorded Abbey Road, and Phil Spector took over producing it in their absence to finally release it.  Let It Be Naked is a more recent version, ostensibly intended to bring it back to where it should be, also including “Don’t Let Me Down”.  

 Abbey Road (September 1969).  The last album recorded.  Side two runs most of the songs together to “The End”.  George gives us “Something”, and John gives us “Come Together”.  “I Want You/She’s So Heavy” is even DOOM, believe it or not.  The Beatles go out with a bang. 

 Past Masters 1 & 2.  As noted earlier, the band had so many singles which didn’t end up on albums, these two wound up collecting them all together.   “Hey Jude”, “Rain”, “Paperback Writer” and “Revolution” are here.

 Hollywood Bowl.  The band’s only live album, marred by such massive crowd noise of screaming girls that no one considered it more than a de facto bootleg.  I have the original vinyl (rough quality) and the more recent CD reissue, which pulls the band's contribution well above the crowd noise - and even listened to it the other day.  A good mix of songs.  I've heard complaints that due to the crowd noise the band couldn't hear themselves play, but their performance seemed fine to me.  Definitely worth enjoying, especially if you're familiar with bootlegs.

 ’62-66 (Red Album) & ’67-70 (Blue Album).  Two major compilations, these were my introduction to the band.

 Movies.  None of their movies really have any sort of plot and are more like extended music videos.  They vary in tolerability considerably.  “Let It Be” is probably my favorite. 

 A Hard Day’s Night.  Not much of a plot, more like a “follow the band as they make jokes and eventually perform in the studio”.  Also in black & white.  Charming, though, in its innocence.

 Help!   Ok, now things get somewhat surreal.  The silly plot - pursued worldwide for a ringo which Ringo (get it?) took by accident - makes this an elaborate music video for the songs involved and not a true story.  But at least it’s in color.

 Magical Mystery Tour.  At the height of the 1967 hippie period, the band got a tour bus together full of bizarre people and simply filmed it.  Not much happened and it’s more low budget than “Help!”   In that regard it’s difficult to endure except out of morbid curiosity.  The juxtaposition of supremely talented musicians putting this turd together itself is disturbing. 

The Beatles Animated Series.  A Saturday morning cartoon series in the late 60s, sadly not voiced by the band themselves.  It was on before I was born (my Saturday morning TV viewing was the mid-70s).  Season 1 (1965) was 26 episodes, Season 2 was 7, and Season 3 was 6.  The band initially didn't take it seriously but later grew fond of it.  I purchased the set on DVD and watched it once.  I dare say I should watch it again.  That and watch the films again...

Yellow Submarine.  The movie itself.  Actually kind of trippy and irreverent, and in that respect it makes up for MMT.  

 Let It Be.  The band filmed themselves working on the album in the studio, warts and arguments and all, though the rooftop concert does make it worth watching for that alone. 

 The Compleat Beatles.  An excellent documentary, though only on VHS. 

Apple.  Less than a decade before Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak would form their computer company out of their garage in California, a less successful commercial endeavor sprouted from the Beatles.  In addition to their own record company, Apple would serve as financing for all sorts of projects without any concern as to their sense or profitability.  Naturally this wound up being a money pit.  What's remarkable is that, as brilliant and talented as the band members were as musicians, as businessmen they were utterly clueless.  Part of this was the prevailing counterculture mood, much which was stimulated by Sgt Pepper itself, but ultimately the band members took some time before they realized that they needed to pay attention to these details.  The most obvious explanation was that Brian had handled that so successfully - and honestly - during his tenure that it all went downhill when he died unexpectedly.  Black Sabbath had their own battles with corrupt management in the 70s, whereas Jimmy Page was astute enough, by the time he formed Led Zeppelin, to get Peter Grant, one of the more impressive band managers in rock history.  

 Most other bands at the time would put out singles, then combine them with filler songs of dramatically poorer quality on the albums themselves.  This certainly applies to both the Rolling Stones and the Beach Boys.  You can get by with Hot Rocks for the former and Endless Summer + Pet Sounds for the latter.   With the Beatles, almost every song on an album is of equal quality – not filler.  And then Sgt. Pepper was the first album written as a complete album, not a collection of singles and extra songs.  The Beatles were unique in many ways – truly sui generis.

 Overrated?   I suspect those who feel this way were exposed to Beatles fans they couldn’t stand, who somehow felt that their own intelligence and good taste were irrebuttably confirmed by their support for the Beatles.  I don’t know – acknowledging the Beatles’ genius seems as “wise” as simply observing that water is wet, the Earth revolves around the Sun, etc. another fact so undeniably obvious that saying so deserves no special credit or recognition.  

Friday, June 11, 2021

Southern Victory


 I had written about this awhile ago, so long ago that the blog didn’t survive to the current platform, Blogger.  So I can revisit it without repeating myself.

 As most of us know, the US Civil War lasted from 1861 to 1865, ending in a Union victory, which is why there is no Confederate States of America today.  Living in Northern Virginia, I have occasion to travel to DC and Maryland and back fairly often, and never cross a border doing so.  Though the events of January 6 suggest that some people, a very militant but clueless minority, are threatening to repeat the same idiocy a second time.

 Naturally, some authors have written fiction – alternate history – in which different things happen.

 Newt Gingrich, the infamous former Republican politician from Jawja, wrote a trilogy of books which speculates what might have happened if Lee didn’t engage Union forces at Gettysburg in July 1863 but simply continued further through Pennsylvania.  This is Gettysburg, Grant Comes East, and Never Call Retreat.  Worth reading once but not much more compelling than that.

 A science fiction writer who seems to specialize in alternate history, Harry Turtledove, has a standalone book, Guns of the South.  In this story, white supremacists from South Africa somehow managed to develop time travel, return to the US Civil War, and equip the Confederate forces with AK47s, which the Confederates refer to as “repeaters”.  Needless to say the Union forces, using muzzle-loading black powder Colt 1861 rifles, can’t compete, and the South wins the war and continues as a separate country.  Later, the Confederates and the South Africans bump ugly against each other, among other things Robert E. Lee takes over as President from Jefferson Davis, the South Africans’ time machine is destroyed, and the Confederates attempt to keep some of the technology brought by the South Africans – including the nitroglycerine pills that treat Lee’s heart condition.  Anyhow.  If time travel was ever invented, I doubt it would be the South Africans who do it.

 Turtledove followed this fairly implausible scenario with a much better one not requiring time travel – and which wound up being 11 books in total, referred to as the Southern Victory or Timeline 191 series.  In real life, Britain and France sat out the Civil War and remained neutral.  In 1862, McClellan managed to acquire Lee’s battle plans, dropped on the ground by mistake by a Confederate courier, and matched Lee to a draw at Antietam.  This battle persuaded Britain and France to remain neutral throughout the entire war, and the US won.

 In this timeline, the courier retrieved the plans, Lee defeated McClellan decisively at Camp Hill, and the British and French finally decided to actively support the Confederates.   Lincoln was forced to agree to an armistice, and the Confederates won, surviving to be a separate country.  Fast forward to 1881, the US President is James G. Blaine (actual secretary of state to James Garfield and Chester Alan Arthur), the Confederate president is James Longstreet.  The Confederates, having already acquired Cuba and Haiti, now purchase Sonora and Chihuahua states from a cash-strapped and desperate Mexican government  These are Mexico’s northernmost states, which border Texas, New Mexico and Arizona, and have a Pacific coast port at Guaymas.  Blaine attacks in Kentucky, but that invasion from Ohio goes nowhere.  The British and French harass the US, which only gets a minor victory in Montana.  Most of the characters are historical:  General Custer, Theodore Roosevelt, Samuel Clemens, Longstreet & Stonewall Jackson, Frederick Douglass, Schlieffen (the German architect of the famous WWI plan to attack France, a German advisor to the US here) and Lincoln, who survived the Civil War and is now a Marxist, succeeding at bleeding off enough Republicans to make the Socialist Party a strong competitor to the Democrats, likewise dooming the Republicans to a marginal third party.   The Civil War is called the War of Secession, whereas the 1881-82 war is called the Second Mexican War.  This first book, which sets everything up, is How Few Remain.

 There is a WWI series:  Great War: American Front, Great War: Walk In Hell; and Great War: Breakthroughs.  There is an interwar series:  American Empire: Blood & Iron; American Empire: The Center Cannot Hold; and American Empire: Victorious Opposition.  Finally, the WWII series:  Settling Accounts: Return Engagement; Settling Accounts: The Grapple; Settling Accounts: Drive to the East; and finally Settling Accounts: In At The Death.

 Historical Characters:  Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, Count von Schlieffen, George Custer, Longstreet & Jackson, Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, Al Smith, Herbert Hoover, Calvin Coolidge, General Patton (CSA), Franklin Roosevelt, Eugene Debs, Upton Sinclair, Huey Long (Governor of Louisiana), Guderian;

 US (Fictional) Characters.   Flora Hamburger, Socialist US representative from New York City; Hosea Blackford, Socialist US Senator from Dakota; Sam Carsten, US Navy seaman; Chester Martin, Toledo steelworker and US private; Irving Morrell, US tank officer; Jonathan Moss, US pilot; George Enos, US Navy seaman (WWI), Sylvia Enos, his wife, and George Enos, Jr, also US Navy seaman (WWII); Abner Dowling, US officer, adjutant to General Custer; Cincinnatus, black truck driver in Covington; Leonard O’Doull, US medical officer (WWII); Nellie & Edna Semproch, coffee house owners in Washington, DC; Armstrong Grimes, US private (WWII), son of Edna Semproch. 

 Confederate (Fictional) Characters.  Jake Featherston, Confederate artillery sergeant; Clarence Potter, Confederate intelligence officer; Anne Colleton, South Carolina plantation owner, plus brothers Jacob and Tom, both Confederate officers; Roger Kimball, Confederate submarine captain (WWI); Scipio, Anne Colleton’s black butler; Jefferson Pinkard, Birmingham steelworker and Confederate soldier; Hipolito Rodriguez, Confederate soldier from Sonora state, and his son Jorge Rodriguez, also a Confederate soldier; Professor Fitzbelmont, Confederate nuclear physicist; Cassius, black rebel and son of Scipio (WWII) and many more. 

 Canadian Characters: the McGregor family in Manitoba, Canada; the Galtier family in Quebec.  

 Some of the WWI characters continue through to WWII, other WWII characters are the children of WWI characters.  Many characters die off in WWI, between the wars, and of course in WWII.  However, it’s not a GRRM narrative:  most characters survive, and with few exceptions most deaths are not all that surprising.   

 Throughout the series, events in Europe are mentioned, but none of the narrative takes place there.

 WWI.  Having been on the receiving end of an embarrassing loss in the Second Mexican War, the US finally decides to balance out the CSA’s alliance with Britain and France, with its own alliance with Imperial Germany.  The country introduces conscription, and lines up for an upcoming rematch with the Confederates.  Sure enough, in 1914, the Archduke is assassinated, but this time around Woodrow Wilson is the CSA President, Theodore Roosevelt is the US President, and the US is involved from the beginning, aligned with Germany, Austria-Hungary, and the Ottoman Empire.  The CSA aligns itself with the historical Entente powers.

 The main battle fronts are along the Roanoke Valley between West Virginia and Virginia; in northern Kentucky at Covington (across from Cincinnati); up in Canada; and some other fighting in Texas and on the oceans.  By now most of the characters are fictional, with some historical characters like Custer, Roosevelt and Wilson thrown in.

 After bloody stalemate and trench warfare,  the US finally develops not only tanks – called “barrels” throughout the series – but also the proper doctrine of using them, thanks to General Custer.   A Mormon rebellion in Utah is suppressed, British and Canadian forces are worn down, and eventually the US slugs the Confederates to an armistice.  Overall, the Central Powers are victorious, thus Germany remains Imperial and the Nazi Party never materializes.  Red rebellions among Marxist-inclined blacks erupt throughout the south, drawing off Confederate forces.  Moreover, blacks who had been performing manual labor for the Confederate Army, also join the rebellion, embarrassing Jeb Stuart III, who had vouched for his own servant and protected him from scrutiny, despite suspicions of Stuart’s artillery sergeant, Jake Featherston, as articulated to intelligence officer Clarence Potter. This prevents Featherston from being promoted and upsets him big time.

 The Japanese fight US naval forces in the Pacific, though no strategic impact is made, except for taking the Sandwich Islands (aka Hawaii) away from the British and getting Pearl Harbor in the bargain.  As part of the peace terms, the US takes Kentucky away from the CSA, as well as Virginia north of the Rappahannock (river north of Fredericksburg).

 Interwar period. Carston attends officer candidate school, many of the military characters return to civilian life, but most importantly, disgruntled Jake Featherston starts a reactionary party, the Freedom Party, to work towards rebuilding the CSA.   By the end of the second book, after the 1929 market crash, Featherston wins the election, consolidating power throughout the third book.  He gets the Confederate constitution amended to allow him to run for President again, and he succeeds at bludgeoning the courts into accepting his dictatorial powers, which allow to throw his Whig and Radical Liberal political opponents into prison camps.   Using black Marxist rebellions throughout the country as a pretext, he persuades US President Herbert Hoover to acquiesce in allowing the CSA to re-institute conscription and rearm overall.  The Confederate Air Force flies unarmed fighter planes of new designs labeled “Confederate Citrus Company”, while tractor factories expand, the same factories producing the barrels (tanks) otherwise prohibited.  In other words, the US is asleep at the switch as the Confederacy rearms.  The Socialists manage to elect several Presidents in the US:  Upton Sinclair, Hosea Blackford, and Al Smith, and elect significant numbers in Congress.  The Democrats act as the conservative, pro-capitalist party, and the Republicans are marginalized in between the two. 

 WWII.  Having persuaded US Socialist President Al Smith to agree to a plebiscite in 1940, Featherston manages to get Kentucky back to the CSA.  On June 22, 1941, Confederate forces attack Ohio, taking the US by surprise – although a handful of US characters can sense a war on the horizon.  Featherston had set up prison camps to handle the white political opponents and blacks taken in Marxist rebellion, but eventually expands the camp system, led by Jefferson Pinkard, to begin taking in as much of the black population as it can – and permanently disposing of them, first by firing squads, then carbon monoxide trucks, and finally cyanide gas chambers.  Its major camp, analogous to Auschwitz, is Camp Determination, located in western Texas.  Both sides also begin atomic weapons programs, the US helped by Germany and the CSA helped by Britain.  Rebellions break out in Utah – again – and Canada, whereas CSA forces are tied down in the prison camp system. 

 The initial Confederate drive reaches Cleveland and Lake Erie, cutting the US in two.  Featherston proposes a lopsided peace agreement to Al Smith, who tells him to shove it.  The CSA attacks east into Pennsylvania, with a huge city battle in Pittsburgh consuming troops on both sides.   When winter hits, the US slams into Mexican troops guarding the perimeter, then surrounding the city:  Pittsburgh becomes Stalingrad for the Confederates trapped inside.  Predictably, attempts to break through fail, and the Confederate army in Pittsburgh is lost, which lets the US begin taking the strategic initiative. 

 The US then drives the Confederates out of Ohio into Kentucky and fights its way southeast through Tennessee, then into Georgia and further on.  As the war continues going downhill for the Confederates, their atomic bomb program winds up being their only hope to even the odds.  Poison gas remains in use during WWII. 

 There’s a fair amount of….intimate activity between husbands and wives and unmarried soldiers and sailors and the women who do this for a living (fortunately, same-sex activity is merely hinted at and not described, and there are no gay characters).  As the books progress Turtledove thankfully turns down the detail considerably; I consider it to be more embarrassing than provocative.  

 Accents are a constant source of discussion.  Everyone smokes – Confederate tobacco consistently agreed to be superior to US versions - but cannabis is nonexistent; Cuba figures briefly, Jamaica not at all.  The fictional characters are well fleshed out, and even the ostensible villains, mainly Jake Featherston and Jefferson Pinkard, are still remarkably sympathetic, though the mass genocide of the Confederacy’s blacks is by no means sanctioned.  The astute reader can acknowledge some callouts thrown in:  Carl and Bob sweep Flora’s office for CSA bugs, and tell their assistant “Dick” to shut up; a Confederate navy officer in Plains, Georgia, defends his town against black guerillas; Morrell meets Guderian, a German officer, whose own adjutant, a surly corporal, doesn’t like Morrell’s own Jewish adjutant; and many more.   Franklin Roosevelt is Assistant Secretary of the Navy, a substantial character but nowhere near President, which Flora Hamburger speculates he might have been had he not had polio.  

 It’s tempting to dismiss the series, as Turtledove mainly blended the US Civil War, WWI, and WWII, having an abundant supply of source material.  We all know what happened.  Featherston’s fate is probably the most significant example of an original outcome in the series.  I would say that Turtledove does a good job of making characters we care about.  This is my fourth time reading the full series; sometimes I read the dialogue out loud.  With Turtledove’s inclination to focus on accents – e.g. Potter speaks with a Yankee accent despite being a Confederate officer – I’m sometimes inclined to read out with the wrong accents deliberately.  Or even give Featherston that affected voice that men who like men seem to use (!); he never does get an Eva Braun or a male lover, his hard-on is for revenge (!!!).   

 The #1 plot hole concerns the Confederacy’s atomic program based in Lexington, Virginia, surrounded by West Virginia to the west and US forces already on the Rappahannock when the war begins and already in Richmond by the time the CSA manages to get a working weapon, meaning the location is surrounded on three side by US held territory.   For the US to take Lexington and destroy the Confederate nuclear program would have been too simple and easy to not have happened – here all they do is bomb it with conventional weapons.   I suppose Turtledove made this exception because Featherston’s hope for the atomic bomb was the only thing keeping him going after the US continued on the strategic offensive and the Confederate situation gets even more hopeless.  A lesser plot hole is Camp Determination’s location in west Texas, not far away from the US border with New Mexico, an area sparsely populated and defended on both sides of the border.  This makes it particularly vulnerable once the US decides to go after the camp.  But neither of these significantly compromise the overall appeal of the stories.  As noted, I enjoyed reading the full 11 book series no less than 4 times, the most recent time just recently.  I can easily recommend this to anyone else with an interest in history and a tolerance for multiple books without pictures. 

 Speaking of pictures, the only diagrams are the maps, everything else having to rely on written descriptions.  Both sides start WWI wearing service caps (analogous to Civil War kepis), though by now the US has switched from dark blue to green-grey, and the Confederates have switched from grey to butternut, aka khaki.  As head wounds prove the cloth headgear to be unsatisfactory, both sides switch to steel helmets.  The US version is like the German WWI pattern helmet, the Confederate equivalent similar to the British/US Brodie helmet from WWI.  No mention is made whether the US switches to the 1935 German equivalent for WWII, but the Confederates switch to a rounded version most likely analogous to the US M1 helmet from WWII.  US troops carry bolt action Springfields in both wars, whereas the Confederates switch from bolt action Tredegars (supposedly a copy of the Lee Enfield rifle) to semiautomatic rifles in WWII.  Both sides use submachine guns in WWII and machine guns in both wars. 

 One of the weirder elements is simply the alliance of the US with Imperial Germany, which puts it at odds with Britain and Canada.  US forces fighting British and Canadians, our biggest and best friends in real life?  Kind of strange.  Most activity in Europe is only mentioned in passing, and actual cooperation and interaction with Germany in both wars is de minimis. 

 Movie/TV.  The next Turtledove book which makes it into a movie or miniseries will be the first, at least to my knowledge.  This series would be best served making How Few Remain a movie, and each book in the series as a miniseries, which would add up to 10 seasons in all.  I won’t hold my breath.  In the event it did happen, here would be my casting suggestions.   Roger Kimball (Tom Berenger); Anne Colleton (Nicole Kidman); Scipio (Morgan Freeman); Cincinnatus (Denzel Washington); Sam Carsten (Daniel Craig); Jake Featherston (Edward Norton); Irving Morrell (Brad Pitt, in Fury mode); Chester Martin (Seth Rogen); Jonathan Moss (Paull Rudd); Hipolito Rodriguez (Cheech Marin); Jefferson Pinkard (Dennis Quaid); but that about extinguishes my imagination.  Will it happen?  We’ll see.

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Karl Urban

 


One of my favorite actors these days comes from New Zealand, and he’s…. KARL URBAN. 

 Lord of the Rings.  The #1 prince of Rohan is Eomer, pretty much a hero like Aragorn.  This was one of Urban’s first major roles.  I’ll have to watch this again…

 Dredd.  After Stallone did a heroic job in the first movie – but botched the whole thing by taking his helmet off, a big no-no for Judge Dredd (possibly a secret Mandalorian) Urban got it right by keeping his helmet ON for the entire film.  Sadly, Urban himself notes there are no current plans for a sequel.

 McCoy.   When they rebooted the Star Trek movies with a new, younger cast taking the roles of the Original Series Characters, Urban got the role of “Bones” McCoy, the ship’s doctor, originally played by DeForrest Kelley.  Bones was easily the most cynical of the crew members and usually at odds with Spock, though their rivalry was mostly friendly.  As with all his other portrayals, he nailed this one. 

 The Boys.  Season 2 done, Season 3 on its way.  This is a series which takes the premise of “superheroes gone wrong” – who protects us if the superheroes themselves turn out to be villains?  Urban plays Butcher, the #1 guy leading the team of otherwise ordinary (but highly skilled and determined) humans bumping ugly with Homelander, Stormfront, and the rest of the not-quite-so good superheroes.   Count on his usual gruff demeanor, and I’m even hearing a quasi Australian accent – whatever passes for a New Zealand accent, not that I can tell the difference – in this role. 

 RED.  “Retired, Extremely Dangerous” describes Bruce Willis’ character, kind of John McClane on steroids.  Urban is in here too – but don’t ask me what he does.  I’ll have to watch this again.

 He’s also in Riddick, but as a minor character too insignificant to watch the whole film just for his sake.  Moreover, Vin Diesel has yet to make a movie I’ve enjoyed seeing. 

 In a sense, Urban is taking many roles we might attribute to Clint Eastwood were he not too old for these.  However, I haven’t seen him in any westerns, spaghetti or otherwise, nor have I seen him with an orangutan (do they have kangaroos in New Zealand, or is that only in Australia?).  I imagine he’s overdue for a more light-hearted role – in fact, a comedy.  I get the impression that he doesn’t click with comedy roles and told his agent to steer him clear thereof (though not in a position to say that based on any actual evidence beyond my subjective thoughts) but his clear wit seems to be underexploited in all these dramas and action films.  Karl, if you’re reading this, give it a thought…..