Who Wants to Run America

Good evening, America.  We’ve assembled an impressive array of politically astute figures, and an ordinary American, in the hopes of deciding which economic/political system fits the needs and preferences of America’s workers.  

 First, let’s meet our target audience, personified in the form of John Carter, a 40 year old auto worker from Flint, Michigan.  He has a wife and two children.  He likes Grand Funk Railroad, hunting, and watching the Red Wings. 

 And here are our contestants:

 From Berkeley, California, attempting to pitch the dictatorship of the proletariat to Mr. Carter, is Professor Trotsky (no relation).  (Trotsky, coiffed as his namesake, warmly waves to the audience).

 From Flint, Michigan himself, the man corporate America loves to hate, here to pitch “market socialism”, it’s…Michael Moore! (wearing yet another blue collar hat, Moore also warmly smiles and waves).

 From Washington, DC, here to sell Mr. Carter on our current capitalist system, let’s welcome the ascerbic, caustically witted, former National Lampoon writer P.J. O’Rourke! (Insincere smile but still waving).

 And finally, from Texas, here to pitch an unusual and radical idea called “libertarianism”, US Representative and aspiring Republican presidential candidate, “Dr No” himself, Ron Paul!  (Weak but humble smile).

 Each candidate will present his case, but the others can offer useful criticism and insights.  We’ll start with Professor Trotsky, who takes a seat opposite Mr. Carter. 

 “Good evening, comrade.  I understand you have kept your job at the Ford plant despite the recent economic problems.”

“Sure have.  I’m Ok.”

“Good.  For a moment there, it was fairly scary, wouldn’t you say?”

“I suppose so.”

“Good.  Do you believe the men running Ford, and the men in Washington, including President Obama himself, are looking out for you?”

“I don’t know.  I doubt it.  The union sticks by me.”

“I would hope so.  Wouldn’t you prefer it, though, if the entire country was set up to look out for your interests?  If the government took over Ford and ran it for your benefit?   In fact, the government would run everything.”

Carter looks uncertain.  “Everything??”

“Yes, there would be no private companies at all.  You would be guaranteed a job, health insurance, a place to live.  No worries at all.”

Carter remains skeptical.  “One big huge government?”

“Yes, Mr. Carter.  You see, Ford, GM, all those big companies have gotten too big.  We need to get rid of them.  We’ll have the government run everything.  For you, of course.  That is, for the working men and women of America.  On their behalf.”

“What if I don’t like what the government is doing?”

P.J. O’Rourke butts in.  “Then you can talk to the secret police.  They’ll throw you in a labor camp…without a trial.”  Shock and alarm from Carter.  Moore keeps quiet, but Paul smiles.

Trotsky regains his composure.  “Democracy has had its day and failed, Mr. Carter.  As it is today in America, corporations control the elections and decide who your candidates can be.  Whoever you vote for, big business has already bought and paid for.  Why talk of a choice under those circumstances?”  He smirks at O’Rourke and Paul.  Even so, Carter is still not happy.

“So who is going to run this government?”

O’Rourke interrupts again.  “Well, it won’t be you.  It will be a small group of guys like Trotsky here who know what’s best for you.  Not workers, of course.  And if you don’t like it, too bad.  And if you raise your voice and complain, you’ll get a visit in the middle of the night.  Bye bye!”   

Trotsky replies.  “I understand your concern, Mr. Carter.  But it will not be this way forever.  After years of dictatorship, the state will disappear and we’ll have a stateless society, from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.  Communism.  No more government, no more secret police, no more labor camps to re-educate the bourgeois to be nice, humble workers.”

“…and WHEN will this happen?” O’Rourke asks.  “HOW will this happen?”

“In the future.  We don’t know when or how.  But it will happen.”  Only Trotsky is satisfied with this explanation.

“Has it ever happened anywhere in the world?  Russia?  China?  Cuba?  North Korea?”  O’Rourke smiles as he mentions these countries.

“Not yet, but it will.  Someday.”

Trotsky’s arrogance can’t overcome O’Rourke’s warnings.  Carter is not sold. “I don’t think I like that idea, Mr. Trotsky.  I’ll hear what Moore has to say.”  Trotsky gets up and leaves, upset.  

 Michael Moore sits down in the chair opposite Carter.

“How about those Red Wings, huh?”

“Meh.”  Since they didn’t win the Stanley Cup this year, Carter isn’t excited.

Sensing Carter’s ambivalence, Moore starts his pitch anyway.  “You’ve heard Mr. Trotsky.  I don’t want a dictatorship like he does.  I think the system works fine the way it does.  It just needs some help.  Big business needs to be slammed into the boards every now and then.  No labor camps, no secret police, we still have elections, you can keep your guns, your pickup, and everything else.  But if you go with me, here’s what you get….

“FREE healthcare!  No dicking around with insurance companies.  None of this ‘previous condition’ crap.  You’ll have a pension, you’ll have unemployment benefits, you’ll have disability, maternity leave, all of that.  All for free.  No one’s going to lay you off and send your job overseas.  It’s fantastic.  They already have this in Europe, and it works!”

Carter now looks much more excited.  “No KGB?  No gulags?”

Moore smiles.  “Nope!”  He’s smug.  Very smug.

O’Rourke interrupts again, with his familiar nasty smile.  “Tell him about the taxes.”  Carter perks up cautiously, as if he knew what Moore was promising was somehow too good to be true.

Moore gets very nervous and evasive.  “Taxes might be a little higher.”

“How much higher?”  Carter asks, very wary.

“Try 80% and higher.  To start.  And at the top it’s close to 100%.”  O’Rourke had to say it, because Moore would never admit it.

“80%????” Carter is really upset now.  And he’s pissed at Moore.  “What kind of fast one are you trying to pull on me??”  Moore just shrugs, looking irritated but also guilty.  “I’ve heard enough.  Get out.”  Moore gets up and leaves, petulantly.

 O’Rourke sits down.  “Ok, my part is easy.  I’m simply selling you the system you already have now.  You can get laid off.  You have crappy health insurance… if you have any at all.  No gulags, no secret police.  And if, by some miracle,” his eyes twinkle, “you hit the jackpot, you get to keep most of it.  Not all of it, but most of it.  Your taxes are what you pay now.  Nothing like 80%,” he scoffs.

Carter thinks.  “I’m not all that happy with what we have now, but I don’t want a police state and I don’t want to pay 80% taxes just to get free health care.”

O’Rourke smiles.  “I didn’t think so.”

Carter nods.  “Ok, let me hear what this Dr No guy has to say.”  O’Rourke gets up and lets Ron Paul sit down.

 Ron Paul meekly nods and takes his seat.  “I’ll keep it simple.  No Federal Reserve.  No taxes.  I’ll legalize drugs, prostitution and gambling.  The government will shrink to just the police and military, and we’ll be out of Afghanistan, Europe, all those other places.  In fact, it will be so small, you’ll hardly even know it exists.”

Carter is stunned.  “How will we pay for all this?”

Paul comes clean.  “I suppose I should clarify.  I mean no income taxes, no IRS, and no Social Security.  There will be a few sales taxes and things like that, but the burden would be much smaller.  And with the military not fighting wars all over the world, it won’t need to be as large or expensive as what we have now.   We can also sell off Federal property.   Of course, if marijuana is legal we can tax it and make money that way.”

“Roads?”  Moore smirks, regaining some composure.

“Gas taxes and tolls,” replies Paul.  “The New Jersey Turnpike predates the federal highway system, was built completely with private money and opened on time.  If it works in New Jersey it can work elsewhere.  Toll roads have gotten much more convenient with EZPass.  But if you don’t like tolls, gas taxes can pay for roads too.  You pay when you fill up at the pump.  And if you’re not driving anywhere and not buying gas, you don’t have to pay for the roads.”

Carter isn’t quite sold.  “If this is so good, why haven’t I heard of it before?”

Paul now shows his familiar obvious resentment, bitterness, and petulance.  “Because most of the media tends to sympathize with Michael Moore’s viewpoint, and those that don’t almost always support O’Rourke’s position.  No one takes my ideas seriously because they don’t think it will work.  So they write me off as a crackpot and call me names.  I do have other positions besides auditing the Federal Reserve, but you wouldn’t know it from ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, NPR, MSNBC, or Fox.”  Paul takes his seat and the chair in front of Carter is now empty.  Now it’s time for him to choose.  Which of these 4 men represents the America that John Carter, the American worker, really wants the most?  If it were up to John Carter, who would run America?

 Carter now is extremely indecisive.  He thinks out loud.

“I don’t want this ‘dictatorship of the proletariat.’ Who knows when we’ll get communism.  Maybe never.  It just sounds like an excuse for you to take over and run everything.  I don’t like that.  I’m out.”

Carter then turns to Michael Moore.  “I might go for your system…were it not for those horrendous taxes.  I’m out.”

He turns to O’Rourke.  “Don’t think you’ve sold me, O’Rourke.  I am not happy now.  And I don’t know how it would get any better.  In fact, I do want change.  I want to try what Ron Paul is offering.  It seems like the only one we haven’t tried yet, anywhere.  It has no track record for failure, because it’s never been done.  So I’ll go with Dr. No on this one.”

 There you have it, John Carter has made his decision: Ron Paul.  The rest of America can text in your choices: 001 for North Korea (Trotsky), 002 for IKEA America (Moore), 003 Business as Usual (O’Rourke), and 004 for It’s 4:20 in America (Paul).  Standard text messaging rates may apply.