Eric Schlosser obviously has his own opinion of fast food – and I have mine. I don’t eat nearly as much of it these days as I used to – and only abstain completely during Lent, a particularly onerous sacrifice which makes Easter Sunday that much more meaningful – but I still love much of it.
Chipotle. When it first came out, I initially shunned this place as pretentious, although the first one I saw open was only two blocks from my apartment. It is, very much, an upscale Taco Bell, but much more than that. Rather than Taco Bell, which slaps your taco, burrito or chalupa in the back, out of your sight and control, according to a predetermined formula, with Chipotle it’s made right in front of you to your exact specifications, so no one can sneeze, piss, or spit into your taco without your knowledge (unless you ask them to). And the ingredients taste like normal, real food (which can’t be said for Taco Bell), no headless chickens or cannibal cows. Once I discovered Chipotle and its steak soft tacos, it was ADIOS Taco Bell. Incidentally, I can’t seem to enjoy the various copycat upscale competitors, Moe’s Southwest Grill, California Tortilla, Baja Mexican, Baja Fresh, etc. They all seem like bad imitations, no matter how hard they try, though they do taste more wholesome than Taco Bell. Remarkably, I’ve never seen ANY TV ads for Chipotle. They’re no longer owned by McDonald’s, for those of you who do the “who owns who so we can boycott them” analysis. Given the Mayan motif in many of the stores, an “Apocalyptica” tie-in might have been appropriate, if Chipotle ever went for such things.
Taco Bell. As noted above, I used to like this place, until Chipotle showed up. The steak quesadillas are good, but not much else. The stuff tastes machine-like, plastic, and fake, more so than any other chain. Blah. Does anyone miss “Yo Queiro Taco Bell” with the live-action Ren? They must have the same R&D dept as Pizza Hut (see below).
Roy Rogers. Before Chipotle, this was my favorite, so much so that we used to call it “The Temple.” Fortunately McDonald’s hasn’t killed all of them, so I can enjoy a huge, juicy roast beef sandwich (on a Kaiser roll!!) in Frederick, Leesburg or Franconia. And the fries, cut so damn big, are equally irresistible. Sorry, but Hardee’s and Arby’s don’t cut it; the roast beef tastes like ham and they ruin it with a sesame seed bun – leave that for the burgers, you clueless dumbasses. The curly fries are the only things going for them. I don’t think I ever saw Roy Rogers himself in person in any of the places, but he did show up in the ads. The first Roy’s opened in 1968 at Bailey’s Crossroads, Falls Church, Virginia (I’ve actually eaten there, and now it’s a McDonald’s…of course. Someone from Roy’s should buy the first McDonald’s in San Bernadino, California, if it’s still there, and turn it into a Roy’s – perhaps the current owners, the Plamondons, will tackle that sensitive operation). The largest fast food location in the world was the Roy’s at the Stamp Union at the University of Maryland, College Park – if only because the eating area also doubled as the eating area for the University’s own Stamp Union eateries. My sole fast food employment experience, all six nasty weeks of it, were at the Stamp Union eateries (which is another story….). There are still a few Roy’s at the rest areas on the New Jersey Turnpike.
McDonald’s. “Evil Clown”, as we began calling them after they bought out Roy’s and started shutting them down or converting them into yet MORE McDonald’s (as if there weren’t enough already). I’m ambivalent about McDonald’s. I like the McNuggets and Selects, but I would never touch a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder. I really hate complex tastes, so any kind of burger where they add in everything but the kitchen sink – particularly mustard, mayo, pickles, etc. – really stinks. If I want a burger, I’ll go to Fuddruckers and get a huge, well-made burger that I can dress the way I want: just with ketchup. (Is Fuddrucker’s fast food? A judgment call on that one.) However, for breakfast, McDonald’s has the best pancakes, aside from IHOP. Where are the Hippie Meals with McAcid (“do you believe in acid?”). Everyone already knows about McDonald’s, anyhow, and I kissed their McAss in the FFN & Reefer Madness blog.
By the way, what is Grimace??
Burger King. Since Burger King’s main deal is the Whopper, another of these burgers with too much shit inside, BK is not a big one for me. At least their breakfast menu has Mini Cinis. The fries here are good, though not as good as Roy’s. Where are the Burger King glasses? All the movie tie-ins these days are for kids meal toys. (Why no “Reservoir Dogs”, “Eyes Wide Shut”, or “Scarface” tie-in? Come on!)
Wendy’s. Lame – they make a “big” burger by stacking up the smaller, thinner ones. Uhh, yeahh. Once was enough for their crappy excuse for a hamburger. But the chicken nuggets and fries are worth indulging in. RIP Dave Thomas…no, not the Doug McKenzie guy from SCTV.
Five Guys. Not a bad burger. This started out as a local – Arlington, Virginia – chain with just a few locations, then expanded dramatically in very recent years. Now there’s one in Frederick to tempt my mom, though with a Roy’s right next door, the temptation can’t be that strong.
KFC. Quality chicken, though I can’t stand dark meat or “buffalo wings”. The crispy skins on the chicken are a guilty pleasure. Even the crispy strips are great. I’m not big into chicken, but I’ll go with KFC every now and then. Back in the 70s’, several KFCs were Gino’s (1959-82), with an indistinguishable menu.
Long John Silver’s. Along with Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips, the only seafood-oriented fast food place I know of, and both are equally thin on the ground in my neck of the woods. There is a LJS in Falls Church, but I’m not aware of where the nearest ATF&C is. Both were pretty much the same, not bad, but seafood is not my cup of tea.
Dunkin’ Donuts vs. Krispy Kreme vs. Montgomery Donuts. I’m not a cop or a donut guy (Homer Simpson: “donut….”) so this really isn’t my scene, but once I discovered KK it was all over. While the KK donuts freshly baked at the store, right off the flat rack, are heavenly – well worthy of Homer’s drooling adoration – the ones that make it to the supermarkets aren’t worth considering. For some reason Montgomery Donuts had a store policy of always having a cheap shitty radio cranking out the local news channel.
Baskin-Robbins vs. Carvel vs. Cold Stone. I’m not much of an ice cream guy; to me Dairy Queen is in a league of their own. Among the lesser lights, BR is probably the best. Carvel had the ice cream cakes, but to me cake should be cake, right? If I want ice cream I’ll eat ice cream. They did have the chocolate-sprinkled Lollapalooza, though I don’t know if they still have it. The one in Gaithersburg was right next to the record store where my brother got Hotter Than Hell (KISS) and I got a Sha Na Na record (which of those two bands filled the stadiums, huh?). Cold Stone is not to be confused with the idiotically named Stone Hot Pizza. You know, like Queen’s “Stone Hot Crazy” and the wrestler “Stone Hot” Steve Austin.
Bob’s. Only in Brazil – the first one opened in Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro in 1952. The guy who started Bob’s in the 50s used to work for McDonald’s, so it’s no surprise that this Brazilian chain is virtually indistinguishable from McDonald’s. Not bad at all, if you like the burgers, fries, and drink deal, but nothing special beyond that. They don’t have any evil clown or bizarre, H.R. Pufn’Stuff like psychedelic characters to entertain the kids and freak out the adults. It’s just remarkable that Brazilians can pull off such a good copy of McDonald’s.
Habib’s. Another only in Brazil, Portugal and Angola (when I think of fast food, I definitely think of Angola). This is Lebanese fast food – go figure! Not only that, they serve beer and caipirinhas! Mixed drinks at a fast food place? Amazing. Even more remarkable, the guy who founded it in São Paulo is Portuguese, not Arab! Top menu items are esfiha (not bad with meat filling) and kibe, sort of an egg-shaped grenade of ground beef laced with onions (blah). They were going to expand to the US in 2001, until that minor incident on September 11 made Arab things somewhat unpopular here. They might as well have called it McJihad’s for all the good it would have done. If the war in Iraq ever ends (?) maybe they can get Habib’s going here. There is no Habib’s in Lebanon, but there is Taco Bell in Mexico. Go figure.
Burger Chef. Gone, but not forgotten (1956-1982). BC used to have these fantastic pop-up meals, a different one each week, consistently week after week. You never knew what you’d get, it was like the Grateful Dead of fast food. Although the food was garden variety fast food (burgers, fries, shakes) the packaging was unique.
Red Barn. Another casualty of the Fast Food Wars, starting in the early 60s and ending in the 80s. I can’t recall the food being particularly special, but the barn motif was unique. I still see former Red Barns under new mgmt as banks, dry cleaners, etc. in the same barn-like building. Somewhere there’s a barn out in the country shaped like a McDonald’s, probably the scariest place you could be if you were a McCow or a McChicken.
Jack-in-the-Box. Unlike Burger Chef, which is defunct nationwide, JitB only lost the Reston, Virginia location but is still thriving elsewhere in the country. We went to the Reston one back in the 70s, but the only special element in their menu were the tacos, long before we even knew Taco Bell existed.
A&W. I’m not a big fan of root beer, but this place has decent food. Not so decent, though, that I feel compelled to visit the only one I know of still in existence in my area, in Chantilly near the intersection of 28 and 50.
Dairy Queen. They had one at Walnut Hill, in Gaithersburg (near the Kramer’s where we got the Star Trek shirts mentioned in the last blog), which closed ages ago; now they seem to be coming back. Although it has a non-ice-cream menu – including burgers – I only go there for the delicious hot fudge sundaes. They used to have Dennis the Menace as a mascot.
Mario’s. A local sub place in Arlington, only ONE location since the 50’s and now open practically 24 hours a day. They make the lousy square-sliced pizzas (not that great) but they have the best steak & cheese subs anywhere, bar none. The meat is super thick, no one else does it that well. On Wilson Blvd. east of Ballston and west of Clarendon, two blocks from the George Mason University School of Law – I had lots of subs on lunch breaks during law school.
Jerry’s Subs & Pizzas. Excellent subs, a good 2nd to Mario’s, and the pizza is damn good considering how cheap it is. They have a great chopped steak sub, and several chicken subs. The Beast is too big for me to finish even half of. Their radio ads are pretty good.
Subway. I had a “Falling Down” moment when I tried their new steak sub, which looked NOTHING like the ad – totally lame. They may have nice, freshly baked bread, but little of value to actually put on that nice, freshly baked bread. No grill! It’s all healthy, perhaps, but that doesn’t mean it tastes that great. I can endure their meatball subs or grilled chicken breasts, but the steak subs are low quality.
Quizno’s. BLAH. Toasted subs, rat meat. I can’t stand this place.
Vocelli’s. They took over from Domino’s as my favorite pizza delivery chain. What can I say? My particular taste in pizza. I first had it out in Centreville at my brother’s house, and they gradually expanded into my neighborhood, thank God.
Domino’s. A close second to Vocelli’s. The breadsticks are also quality.
Pizza Hut. VOMITO. I can’t stand their cheese. What diseased cow do they come from? The breadsticks are quality, though. For some reason the lunch buffet pizza is not bad – but why it should be any different than the usual pizza, I have no clue. Usually the all-you-can-eat stuff is noxious trash compared to the a la carte menu, here it’s the other way around (this is why I avoid Old Country Buffet and the other all-you-can-puke buffet places). I will say this: they are the most innovative at coming out with bizarre variants, like stuffed-crust pizza, though it would mean more if the cheese wasn’t so disgusting. Maybe their R&D Dept. is a bunch of stoners high on weed – truly inspired!!! Picture a house full of stoners, cluelessly toking and eating pizza, listening to the Dead, Floyd, Allman Brothers, while behind a two-way mirror, unknown to them, Pizza Hut scientists in white lab coats holding clipboards diligently monitor the unwitting subjects, waiting for them to come up with yet another “totally radical” pizza innovation – and laughing when the stoners recognize, in Pizza Hut commercials, that “dude, they totally ripped off my idea!!!” and then get paranoid (rightfully so) before, like, crashing.
Papa John’s. #3 after Domino’s and Vocelli’s. Not bad, just not as good as the others. Their breadsticks, though, are a bit weak.
Incidentally, I just got back from New Jersey (just outside NYC) and had some fantastic New York style pizza. For some reason it’s practically impossible to find it outside the NYC/NJ area, though there are countless places around here which claim – incorrectly so – to have so-called “New York style” pizza. It’s good pizza – though not necessarily the best. The worst pizza is a tie between University of Maryland Dining Services and any of that cake/pie/crap they call “Chicago style pizza”.
Little Caesar’s. Now few and far between – most of the ones in my area are now Papa John’s - but an excellent deal when they were around. Their carry-out special was unbeatable, so we’d gladly go there to pick it up. My first night I had my base Firebird, November 22, 1992, we went out and got Little Caesar’s TWICE. Good memories.
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