Saigon West

Before May 2002 my interaction with Viets was limited. Then I got a job representing Vietnamese, and my exposure increased dramatically. Before then I knew all about the Vietnam War, as my buddy from high school was a huge fanatic about that: Tet this, Khe Sanh that, “Apocalypse Now”, etc. Now it was my turn to get inundated with Viets at a personal and professional level.

Apparently Northern Virginia has the second largest concentration of Vietnamese living in America (California is #1). Seven Corners is the center, with a mall, the Eden Center, which flies the south Vietnamese flag (yellow with three horizontal red stripes down the middle) and is full of Vietnamese restaurants, karaoke bars, jewelry stores, and travel agencies. My office was 5 minutes away, and frequently clients were given directions from the Eden Center as a landmark. I’ve eaten there a few times, and even sampled its club, the Diamond Club, a few nights, though not recently.

I tried several times, but could not manage to learn Vietnamese, beyond a few phrases. All those accents throw me off, and I think I’m past the peak of years where absorption of a new language is something my brain can handle. Portuguese is still locked in at #2.

For that matter, I’m not a big fan of the food either. Much of it, like most Asian food to my palate, reminds me of the Star Trek episode where Riker tries to sample Klingon cuisine. Uggh. Using chopsticks is a no-win situation: obviously they’ll laugh at you if you can’t seem to manage it, but even if you do get it right (as I do) they’ll laugh at you with wonder – “wow, the monkey did it!”.

I also got to know something of the Vietnamese personality. Unfortunately, the more I learned, the less I liked it. Like most Asians, Viets don’t seem to understand the Western notion of “objective reality”. The “truth” and “honesty” are alien ideas, the province of stupid, naïve, childlike Americans too foolish to lie effectively. An honest Viet is hard to find – either they’re Catholic or heavily Americanized. They’ll tell you what you want to hear and get pissed if you don’t behave the same way. [However, the guy who painted my car is 100% redneck, yet shares the same “tell him what he wants to hear so he doesn’t get completely pissed off” way of doing business. He does great work, he just takes forever to get it done. Despite that, he’s a nice guy. People are pretty complex.]
One of my secretaries dated a Vietnamese man who constantly checked up on her at the office – insanely jealous. She thought it was endearing and cute. And this same girl warned me: there’s a good reason why Vietnamese men are so jealous of their Vietnamese wives and girlfriends (“where there’s smoke, there’s fire”, was how she put it). One of my cutest clients was the victim of a husband who ruined a great thing by being too jealous; damn idiot couldn’t deal with it, but given how attractive she was, I could understand how he felt. He just took it too far.
I’m not a big fan of Asian women, who all too often look as though they never even went through puberty. I’m into women, not girls; occasionally some of them seem to actually have a figure, breasts, etc. Many of them seem to have a mean streak and ability to spend money like it’s going out of style. A former secretary’s sister had a shirt that read “You Better Make More Than I Can Spend”. Another secretary, only one-quarter Vietnamese, pointed out that the girl should have a shirt that says “Size Doesn’t Matter As Long As You Buy Me Stuff”. Add that to the lying, unfaithfulness, low attractiveness, Klingon cuisine, a majority preference for Vietnamese men, and the odds of finding a decent Vietnamese woman are pretty low, which is why I’m not even looking. Most of the offers seem to be regarding someone’s sister or cousin back in Vietnam who needs a green card. All too often, American men are only good as husbands to get a green card or provide unlimited amounts of cash to spend on their wives’ Vietnamese lovers behind their backs. Hell, Viet women cheat on their Vietnamese husbands – what chance does an American husband have expecting the woman to be faithful? [To be fair, though, a certain Eastern European country on the Black Sea does a remarkable job of producing beautiful women who are just as greedy, deceitful and unfaithful as Vietnamese women tend to be. But that’s another story.]

The Viets vary considerably on their level of assimilation. Some speak almost no English at all despite having been here since 1975. They only eat Vietnamese food, won’t watch a movie if there are no Asians in it, and have to drive a Honda, Nissan or Toyota. At the other extreme are Viets who have been here for a long time, hardly speak a word of Vietnamese, and act exactly like Americans. My office manager’s oldest son is completely Vietnamese yet doesn’t speak a word of Vietnamese. To hear him talk, and the way he acts, he is completely American. All his wives have been white Americans and all his children are Amerasians. The rest seem to fall somewhere in between: using cell phones and shopping like Americans, but rarely watching US TV or movies or listening to any music sung in English. This is one department where I can’t, and won’t, paint them all with the same brush.

I’ll finish off with a few concessions. (1) I have never been to Vietnam, or anywhere else in Asia. My impressions on Viets are due to my dealings with the ones here. (2) I have met a fair amount of Viets who are outstanding and treat me fine. They’re not all slime. It was simply discouraging to see the same behavior resurface again and again, and find myself liking them less and less the more I got to know them. Maybe I should simply go to Saigon – accompanied by someone, as I don’t speak Vietnamese and have no hope of fitting in – and wrap up this chapter in my life.