Avatar

It’s the movie everyone’s talking about – and seeing multiple times.  3D?  IMAX?  Big blue monkeys?  Socialist propaganda?  What’s not to like?

 Well, let’s start with the positives.  The special effects were VERY good; not incessantly thrown in your face or headache-inducing.  None of this nonsense of rockets, spears, etc. coming straight at you.  And unlike “Spiderman” and similar computer-animated movies, here it had a subtle touch to it that was remarkably realistic.  When Neytiri stroked “Jakesully”’s face, you really thought it was happening.  I doubt many people truly believed Jabba the Hut was talking to Han Solo (Harrison Ford) in front of the (“what the hell is an”) Aluminum Falcon, especially since the conversation was lifted, almost word-for-word, with the same one he had with Greedo in the cantina.  And of course Pandora itself, with its bizarre wildlife, fluorescent flowers, and floating mountains, was certainly eye and brain candy.

 Plot: the arrogant white capitalist Americans need “unobtainium”, a rare resource apparently only available on Pandora, sitting right under a huge tree where blue-skinned 8 foot elves live.  In an attempt to “bargain” with the elves, 3 humans, including Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) and arrogant smart-ass scientist (Sigourney Weaver, basically resurrecting her “Alien” movie character here) are “avatar’d” into elf bodies to infiltrate and win the hearts and minds of the elves.  In the process of doing so, they learn that these one-with-nature elves have zero interest in anything Uncle Sam might have to offer them, and also feel themselves a part of the tribe.  The jarhead grizzled veteran (Stephen Lang) and smartass corporate type (Giovanni Ribisi, resurrecting Paul Reiser’s “Aliens” character) decide “to hell with it, we’ll simply go in and take what we want anyway.”  So there are (A) lots of cool explosions, (B) lots of dead and unhappy elves, and (C) a final showdown between the good (elves) and the bad (USA), naturally and predictably assisted by the humans in elf form.  

 As undoubtedly impressive as the film was visually, I give it an F- for plot.  Do we need ANOTHER “Americans are gung ho assholes” movie?  We already have “Team America”.  That movie was far better at putting our “F**K YEAH” attitude into proper perspective, as irreverent as it was.  Obviously the special effects weren’t nearly as impressive, but the message and politics were 1000x more on-point.  I suppose it’s far easier to take political lessons to heart when presented in 3D IMAX with blue elves on an exotic alien planet, than cheap marionettes or poorly animated Colorado schoolchildren.

 I thought Neytiri (Zoe Soldana) sounded like Eartha Kitt.  I have to wonder: is the popularity of the movie because of the plot, or the Orange Sunshine?  I’m hoping Cameron pulls a DW Griffith, following up this “Birth of a Nation” (awesome visual film with terrible political plot) with something like “Intolerance”. 

 Here are some related movies:

Dirty Deeds.  This is a mobster movie made back in 2003, taking place in Australia in 1969, with John Goodman, Bryan Brown, Toni Collette, and Sam Neill.   In case you’re wondering, the AC/DC song does appear in the film – twice (unfortunately the band itself is absent, but in 1969 Bon Scott was still in the Valentines, and AC/DC itself didn’t form until 1973).  A major character, the top mobster’s nephew just back from Vietnam who wants to start a pizza place, is played by Sam Worthington, aka Jake Sully.  It’s been several years, but he looks more or less the same age.

 Surrogates.  This is a recent Bruce Willis movie taking place in the near future.  Although not based on a Philip K. Dick story, the author was clearly ripping him off – just as Rush were ripping off Led Zeppelin for the first album.  The plot is completely different from “Avatar”, but a substantial element is very similar.

            In the future, in Baw-ston (where the movie takes place, but the technology is available worldwide), android technology has reached the point where people can stay at home and live vicariously through robot android “surrogates”.   These are nominally robot replicas of the original person (not 8 foot tall blue elves) though the surrogate can be a different age, gender, or race from the host.  Like “Avatar”, the host remains stationary in a remote location, hooked up by computer to the surrogate. 

            By this point in the timeline, almost everyone, except for a small minority of militants, has embraced the technology, so the streets are full of these bizarre walking mannequins.  Actual flesh & blood people are slammed as “meatbags”.  Willis plays a Boston FBI agent investigating a bizarre set of murders:  someone has developed an electrical device which can not only destroy the surrogate, but zaps and kills the host as well.  Theoretically the original human is immune to harm which befalls the surrogate, which is an obvious advantage to using them.  There is also a “reservation” of militant humans who hate surrogates, led by a “prophet” (Ving Rhames).  Even more curious, the original inventor of surrogate technology, Canter (James Cromwell) was frozen out of his own company and has an axe to grind with the current management.  1/3 of the way through the story, Willis’ own surrogate is destroyed, and he narrowly escapes being zapped – but it means he has to go around himself.  I found the movie creepy – in a “A.I.” kind of way – but also compelling.

 Space Cadet, by Robert Heinlein (1948).  A bit like Red Planet, or a prequel to Starship Troopers (I guess you could call it Starship Troopers Jr.), more of an older book with no politics or sex, about young men training for the Space Patrol, what we would think of as a space academy, almost like the newer Star Trek prequel.  I picked this up at a used bookstore for $1.55.  I liked it.

            Remarkably, there is an “Avatar” element in the story.  One of their brash, trash-talking comrades at the space academy, Burke, quits the academy and gets a cushy job with his father on Venus.  His 3 comrades end up in a Patrol spaceship responding to a distress call sent by – none other than Burke, who had gone into some Venusian village in search of the story’s equivalent of unobtainium, was unsuccessful at bullying the natives into relinquishing the ores, and gotten himself captured.  He was expecting the Patrol to send in a regiment of space marines to wipe out the natives and rescue him, instead the 3 guys (their officer is wounded and unconscious) show up and manage to patch things up with the natives and get some old ship running again.  Burke shows the same arrogant attitude towards the natives as the Giovanni Ribisi character in “Avatar”, while the three comrades (Matt, Tex and Oscar) are pretty much Jake Sully, minus the avatar or busted legs. 

Animals

No, not about the great Pink Floyd album, but it is about animals.  I’m really not much of an animal person, more like a people person.  I’ve never owned a pet, nor do I have interest in doing so.  Having said that, I do get along with other people’s pets, both dogs and cats.

 Dogs.  I used to have a fear of dogs, until my friend Phil explained how they “work”: eager licking = happy to see you, growling and bearing teeth = angry, + dogs sense fear and have contempt for anything that fears them.  After that I had no problems.  I’ve noticed that small dogs tend to bark far more often than large dogs, some sort of “Napoleon” complex, and that male dogs are far more aggressive than female dogs, especially if they haven’t been fixed. 

            Dogs are very loyal, very much friends, and quite empathic.  A dog can not only sense fear, but also happiness and sadness, and seems to share his/her master/mistress’ feelings.  A dog will greet you eagerly when you come home, unless it’s been naughty (oops!  Accident!  Made a no-no on the carpet or ate all the cheese his mistress left on the kitchen table, never imagining the dog could leap up on a chair and onto table.  D’oh!).  I’ve known women with dogs and men with cats, so it’s not a male-female thing, plus women with male pets and men with female pets.

            The major pain with dogs is (A) housebreaking a puppy, and (B) walking the dog.  My former boss used to have to run home from the office each day to walk his all-white Jack Russell terrier Devon, until he hired a dogwalker.  The dogwalker would leave notes on the fridge: “She did her business!” “She didn’t want to go out in the rain” and similar things.  Devon loved the snow, but 0 degrees Fahrenheit temperature was too cold even for her.  Tadinha!  Devon loved me, and I loved her.  She is missed. 

            Phil’s family was definitely dog lovers; he grew up with dogs and knew them well.  They had German shorthaired pointers, which are fairly large dogs, dark grey fur with brown mottled spots.  The dogs were large enough that they could stand up and rest their paws on your shoulders and lick you right on the face – not particularly pleasant, but it was the dog’s way of showing affection.  They were always well behaved, never biting or barking excessively.  The female, Bonnie, had puppies, a whole litter of cute little ones, miniature versions of their mother and father, romping around in a plastic kiddie pool tub.

            Years ago, when living in Paris (around 1980-84) we had a Yorkshire terrier, which we named Tichien (as in “petit chien”, i.e. small dog).  Unfortunately this little dog was far more of a nuisance than a pleasure, far more annoying than cute.  The dog was “let go” because he absolutely, positively refused to be housebroken. 

            My brother’s family had a mixed race mutt, Kira, who was very nice.  She was always happy to see me, and I played with her and pet her.  Unfortunately, Kira recently reached the end of her useful life and had to be retired from the living, albeit with great reluctance and sadness after all other options had been exhausted.  She was replaced by a similar looking dog, Alice (both were from animal shelters), who is now finally asserting her rightful role as family “companion animal” (as pets are referred to under Virginia law), including unauthorized access to the sofa. 

            My frend’s daughters have three dogs, Sula & Mica (brown and black miniature pinschers, both females from Brazil, see above) and Coco (white Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix, male).  Coco is a little lion (“leãozinho”).  He loves to roar, but also howl like a wolf (“lobinho”); dogs, particularly German shepherds, seem like domesticated wolves.  Sula and Mica are a terrible pair, but I do like Sula, probably the prettiest dog I’ve ever seen.

            If I’m ever near a pet store, I’ll check out the puppy cages.  They are always adorable, whether playfighting with their cage roommates or sleeping.  Awwww.

 Cats.  Whereas a dog seems to orient itself to its master, a cat is very independent, more like a roommate. “Oh, it’s you.  Where’s my food?”  A cat’s tail seems to be expressive: flicking around as if to demonstrate its mood. Cats are graceful and usually strike me as miniature tigers, stalking balls of yarn or toys as if they were sneaking up on some gazelle in the wild. 

            We owned a cat in Paris, sometime in the mid-80s, a small female Siamese (white with black face & paws).  She had not been fixed, so every month she’d prowl around the apartment making weird noises (no male cats in the apartment to respond, of course).  We had to get rid of her because my dad was allergic to cats.  Her name was also Coco, not to be confused with the male dog mentioned above.  I remember being neutral towards the cat, neither fond of it nor disliking it. I imagine the feeling was probably mutual.

            My ex-boss’ wife had a cat named Mr. Kitty, listed on the lease as “temporary cat”.  No, this wasn’t because the animal sometimes took the form of other species (dog, snake, rabbit, etc. – a shapeshifting pet!) but because the landlord was simply giving her time to find Mr. Kitty alternate housing arrangements.

            I don’t have a position in the “dog vs. cat” debate; I have no preference for one vs. the other.  Whatever superiority cats have in intelligence over dogs is offset by their vindictiveness. 

 Forget elephants and donkeys: I think of dogs as Republicans and cats as Democrats.

 Fish.  To me fish are extremely dull: they simply swim in their fishbowl and eat the food you give them.  For some reason goldfish seem to have a life expectancy measured in days.  We never figured that out.  Hopefully the fish lived long enough for you to name it, but odds were against that.

 Turtles.  Another dull animal.  The highlight of watching a turtle is seeing it break the surface of the water to gulp down the food.  Then it swims around, or slowly moves over the rocks.  ZZZ.

 Ferrets.  I like ferrets, but I’d never own one.  They seem like rats, only long and cute.  They love crawling through confined spaces like the sleeves of jackets or behind couches – places that would make most humans claustrophobic.  I’m not aware that they make any sound. 

 Hamsters & Gerbils.  You can get those modular orange plastic houses for them and make networks, or the treadmill for them to buff out on, but that’s about it.  Another low-impact pet which doesn’t do much, but is pretty low maintenance.

 Birds.  To me birds just make lots of annoying noises and poop on the newspaper in their cage.  To my eyes, the blue jay is the nicest looking bird, and they are wild.  A bird is a flying creature, so keeping it in a cage is like keeping a carnivorous animal on a vegetarian diet, or telling a NASCAR or Formula 1 driver to ride a bicycle around for our amusement. 

 Years ago, I asked my niece Zoe what noises various animals make.  Dog? “Woof!”  Cat? “Meow!”  Pig? “Oink oink!”  Fish? “Suck suck! [puckering lips]”  Snake? “Hisssss.”  Elephant? “BROAR [gesturing like trunk going up dramatically].”  Turtle?  [Sudden silence, then thoughtful expression, then:] “I don’t think a turtle says anything.”

 Other.  I can’t fathom the charm of iguanas.  Likewise for snakes, spiders, and other insects or creepy things.  I’ve never known anyone with a monkey or exotic animal pet.

 Zoos.  To me zoos are more for kids than adults.  Most of the animals sleep or hide.  SORRY, THE ELEPHANTS ARE CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION.  Last time I went to the zoo, the elephants were out of town and the panda was in the Witness Protection Program, while the lions and tigers were comatose or simply stoned on industrial strength catnip.  Much of the pleasure of the zoo is vicarious, watching the children’s faces and answering their questions (“what are those two [copulating] animals doing?”).

 County Fair.   At the Montgomery County Fair, they have long barns with stalls, full of either cows, sheep, or pigs, even goats, who baa-aaa-aaa.  The cows occasionally “moo”.  I’ve never heard any pigs go “oink”, but they are fat, often pink, and do have curly tails and seem to love mud.  Years back we went with Phil, who suggested “punching the pig” – sure enough, the confused pig (dude, WTF?) felt like a rock with hair on it.

 Circus.  Whereas the zoo shows animals in a fake natural habitat mostly sleeping or away for construction, the circus at least shows various wild animals tamed to perform various tricks.  Elephants, tigers, lions, bears (favorites in Russian circuses) which are not simply sleeping but up and about – much more fun than a zoo.  But circuses were never my scene – not out of fear but I’m just not that into it, especially clowns. 

 Nature shows.  If it involves Nazis, WWI, or things of that nature, I’ll watch it.  Sharks?  Safaris?  Crocodile Hunter? ZZZ.  I don’t even care to see animals mate, much less fish swim, which ranks up there with watching paint dry or ice melt.  Nor am I into any fishing shows (fat old guys on a boat discussing lures) or hunting (stick with the guitar, Ted, or your colorful political commentary, I don’t care to see you shoot something with a bow & arrow).  I’m a carnivore, so it’s not any squeamishness about cruelty to animals, or any moral opposition to hunting, so much as sheer boredom.  Hunting strikes me as something that is more fun to do than to watch – unless, of course, you are the animal.  I suppose then it might be interesting. 

            I do make an exception for dinosaurs.  My brother and I took his kids to the Museum of Natural History in DC, and among the more intriguing exhibits were the ones on prehistoric mammals, and dinosaurs.  In both cases it’s fascinating to see what the world looked like 200 million years ago, or 50 million years ago, etc.  Most of the focus on prehistoric animals goes to dinosaurs, of course, and rightfully so.  But there are plenty of bizarre mammals, long since extinct, which roamed the Earth back then and look NOTHING like what we have today.

Snow

We are finally digging out of yet another snowstorm, the 2^nd blizzard in less than a week, and the 4^th significant snowfall in one winter – all in an area, the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area, which isn’t normally associated with harsh winters.  People in Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Minnesota, Canada or Russia may scoff, but this is ridiculous.  Typically our snowfall is one storm of 5-10” per season, with a major blizzard every 4-5 years. 

 Driving.  I’ve never owned a four wheel drive vehicle, and never driven the few I’ve driven in snow; so my experience is limited to my Firebirds, mainly the Formula, which had a surplus of torque and a deficit of traction, even in dry weather, typical rear wheel drive poor snow performance; and my Neon, which is front-wheel drive.  I’ve never gotten stuck in either car, but I know not to venture into snowdrifts.

            The three problems with driving in snow are (1) getting hopelessly stuck, (2) having trouble stopping, and running into someone or something, and (3) having some yahoo run into you.  Unfortunately there is little you can do about #3 (except to keep your insurance paid!), but #1 & 2 are within your control.  #1 is partially solved by being careful about where you drive; and #2 is optimized by coasting as much as possible and letting the car’s weight slow it down, as the brakes – even anti-lock brakes such as the Neon’s – are of limited use in snow.  It also helps not to drive fast, just giving the car enough gas to get moving, and staying away from other vehicles to the extent possible.

            Nevertheless, I still see no shortage of boneheads driving at normal speeds through snow which clearly merits something below the posted speed limit, about the only time those limits are realistic guidelines.  This is an area that gets enough snow, each winter, that local residents should know how to drive in it.  I imagine these yahoos are probably newly relocated bozos from warmer climates south of the Rio Grande, or cab drivers from Africa (who drives on Mount Kilimanjaro??). 

            Oh, and I have seen 4 wheel drive vehicles stuck in the snow.  Apparently the drivers believe their vehicles are immune to snow.  Nope.  And 4 wheel drive doesn’t help you STOP any better in the snow than other vehicles, so keep that in mind.    

 Shutdowns.  We managed to get pizza delivered on Super Bowl Sunday, despite just being one day after 24” of snow in a subdivision which saw cursory plowing.  Maybe the pizza places should double as snow plow operators! The Giant supermarket across the street from me was open on Wednesday afternoon, February 10, despite snow still falling; it was the ONLY commercial establishment in its shopping plaza open at that time, during a storm which dropped yet another 20” of snow. 

            The Fairfax courthouse was closed on the 10^th (the day of the snowstorm) and the 11^th (the day after); fortunately the county website FINALLY set up a section which identifies whether the court will be open or closed.  I don’t have children, nor am I in school or a teacher, so the countless “school closing” announcements on the TV crawls mean absolutely nothing to me.  Years ago I had to call the clerk’s office – and found that lo and behold, despite a blizzard, the Fairfax County General District Court was open for business, justice would be done!

            This area is inconsistent when it comes to remaining open for business amidst a raging blizzard vs. shutting down at the first snowflake.  Some places – like Giant or Domino’s – will remain open in the worst weather, and others will shut down almost immediately.  The trend is too inconsistent to claim that “people in this area can’t handle the snow.” 

 Kids vs. Adults.  When you’re a kid, snow is practically all upside.  School is off – and no kid likes school.  Snowball fights, snow men, snow angels, lots of fun.  Woohoo! 

            When you’re an adult, it switches.   You’re too old for snowball fights, snowmen, snow angels, any of the fun stuff you used to do as a kid, none of which has an adult equivalent.  You do, however, have to drive to work – in the snow – something you didn’t have to worry about as a kid, as your only “responsibility”, school, was cancelled.  Important meetings, business, etc. is all disrupted and everything screwed up.  Or your flight gets cancelled, or you get stuck in an airport someplace you didn’t want to be, etc.  And if you’re an adult with kids, then you have to deal with being stuck with them when they’d otherwise be at school.  Where’s the upside?  About the only upside is seeing the pretty snow, which hopefully is not on the damn road or runway causing problems.

            Having said that, I did not stay indoors during the duration of the storm.  I bundled up in layers, and pulled out my ski goggles, venturing forth into the wind and snow to pick up some goodies at Giant.  Although there was no one to throw snowballs at, really no fun to be had, the only iota of pleasure was simply the pride in braving the weather, a F**K YOU to the snow, and getting what I wanted from Giant.  And then driving to the office the next day with Route 7 pretty much clear. 

            I’ve never seen a blizzard in this area any later than February, so we have until March to see if there’s “more where this came from”.  We’ll see.  

 Snow Removal Machine.  When it comes down in these quantities, it has to be removed.  From sidewalks and driveways the usual means is grunt shovel work or snow blowers.  The amigo day laborers at the 7-11 were holding snow shovels, which is exactly the kind of work appropriate for this time (5 year labor cert for snow removal?  Give me a break!).  For roads, the snow plow is more like it. I don’t know why flamethrowers or heat cannon can’t be used, but no one consulted me.

 The Colors.   Water is clear, so snow is white.  If the precipitation was a non-clear liquid, we could get non-white snow.  Rain of blood – and it gets a little colder?  Red snow.  Turn water in to wine?  How about purple snow?  Candyland, where rain is Coca-Cola or Mountain Dew?  Black or green snow.  Use your imagination.  The more mundane solution is to drop vast amounts of dye into snow clouds to give us a rainbow kaleidoscope of multicolored snow.  Let’s get working.  WE CAN!

Gil Elvgren

Time for another “it’s the arts!” installment.  With the new year here, it’s time for a new calendar, and I got one of Gil Elvgren pinups.  I had bought a book of his art at Barnes & Nobles some time ago (Gil Elvgren: The Complete Pinups, by Charles G. Martignette and Louis K. Meisel) and enjoyed the illustrations.  It’s actually somewhat of a very nice “coffee table book”, for what passes for my coffee table; that is, in my case, a “green tea and beer” book.  He was active from the 1930s to the 1970s, mostly associated with Brown & Bigelow.  The girls are always pretty, shapely, with killer legs, firm breasts, and nice butts.  Many of them wear stockings and garter belts, and quite a few are tasteful nudes (no full frontal nudity, except for “Harem”).  Each pinup has a clever title.

            So far as I can tell, 99.9% are white.  One Asian (“Reclining Oriental Nude in Studio”), one amiga (“Pleasant to Si” – a delicious Latina in a sombrero, barely covered by a poncho), but no blacks or mixed-race women, so the effect is “classic NASCAR babeage”.  They’re nice to look at and admire, but hardly calculated to elicit any definite physiological reaction, compared to the far more racier and explicit imagery available nowadays.  Here are some samples.  Enjoy!