The Unarmed Citizen

This week’s contributions to The Unarmed Citizen, a monthly installment in the Unarmed American, which is published by the National No-Rifle Association.

 *          After a recent burglary, Ethel Berman wasn’t going to be taking any chances.  The 70 year old grandmother fired up the Kenmore range and cooked up a batch of Tollhouse cookies.  Sure enough, another would-be burglar broke into her house from the back door intent on making off with her life savings.  Ethel was ready this time:  a plate of hot, steamy, gooey chocolate chip cookies dissuaded the masked intruder, filled his tummy, and sent him on his way with a smile on his face.  [Boston Pravda, 9/22/11.]

 *          A string of rapes in the Potomac neighborhood put retiree Alice Dukakis on notice: something had to be done.  Instead of locking and loading, or stocking up on 9mm or .45 (or even mace or pepper spray), this smart woman did something much better: she bought a Barry White CD, some scented candles, and a three pack of condoms in case the rapist was particularly persistent or aggressive.  When the serial rapist broke into her bedroom, Alice was ready – lights turned down, candles burning, and soft jazz with a deep voice gave the intruder a warm welcome.  Stunned by this unusual approach, the masked man jumped out the window and fled.  [Rockville Head Examiner, 9/11/11.]

 *          UC-Berkeley liberal arts major Steve Murray’s semester in “Alternatives to Violence” truly paid off.  When accosted by a lowlife criminal in Oakland in a dark alley, Murray was able to hold off the thug with a long-winded diatribe on the irrationality of violence in solving problems and the superiority of nonviolent solutions.  After 30 minutes of enduring pacifist ideology, the crook could stand it no more, turned his gun on himself, and took his own life.  [Oakland Worker, 9/18/11.]

 *          Yet again, quick thinking defused a potentially dangerous situation with a positive outcome.  Sharon Davis was approached at gunpoint after leaving her ATM on Broad Street with a substantial sum of cash.  Eschewing phony heroics, she cleverly “disarmed” her opponent by throwing the entire wad of cash at him and immediately fleeing the scene.  [Falls Church Open Mind Press, 9/20/11.]

 *          Scott Breuer was convinced, as all right-thinking, rational persons are in American society, that ownership of handguns and other dangerous weapons is properly restricted to the military, National Guard, and local police.  So when he was stopped at gunpoint by a mysterious stranger, it was his sheer luck that a US soldier carrying an M-16, a National Guardsman also carrying an M-16, and an on-duty DC police officer armed with a service Glock 17 automatic assault machine pistol, just happened to be passing by when the crime was in progress in plain view of them.  The would-be mugger fled the scene immediately and Breuer was rescued.  [Washington Paper of City, 9/15/11.]