S**t that Pisses Me Off

Perhaps a bit strong, but it’s a return to the “sucks” issue I tackled earlier.  This time it’s about bathroom Issues.  I won’t go into too much detail here – no more than necessary.  You may want to pass on reading this around meal time.

 No-Flush.  What is with people who don’t flush?  Are they that forgetful that they can’t remember to take care of that?  I could understand if the output was a bit excessive, but there are two responses to this: (1) I’ve seen non-flushers where the output was only #1.  How would that cause a backup?  More like you just want everyone else to have to smell your urine.  No thanks.  (2) If you did do a #2, flush after the output, THEN wipe, then flush again.  Odds are very low that these two elements flushed separately will clog up the toilet.  This isn’t rocket science.  Toilets have been around since the 19^th century, far longer than any of us have been around.  There is no mystery to using them effectively. FLUSH, people.

 No Access.  I have a major problem with commercial establishments which refuse to grant bathroom access to even their customers.  The Washington Metro is a big example of this.  As yet, Metro has not replaced its human employees with non-peeing or poo-ing robots.  So these Metro employees obviously have to pee and poo somewhere in the Metro, and since I haven’t seen them doing so publicly, they must have somewhere private to do their business in the normal, civilized fashion.  Answer: their “bathrooms” are labeled “water closets”.  But the general public is not only not allowed to use them, Metro won’t even acknowledge their existence.

            Slightly below this are the stingy, nasty places which insist that “bathrooms are for customers only”.  I had a Subway boss in downtown Baltimore suggest that I should buy the foot-long combo BEFORE I relieved my obvious (!) need to use the bathroom.  No thanks.  I went to a strip club next door and used theirs.  Sales to Subway?  ZERO.  To be fair, this was the only Subway that made that demand. 

            Giant, most gas stations, and Staples are cool about letting you walk in and use the toilet and then walk right out without buying anything.  But their reward is that I’m that much more inclined to buy stuff there.  Assholes deserve nothing.

 Parabolic Urinals.  The urinal engineers must have been paid off by a shady conspiracy of dry cleaners, detergent manufacturers, and soap companies.  Because no matter HOW or WHERE you aim, somehow the curvature of the porcelain is deliberately designed and engineered to send a yellow spray back to your legs and knees, requiring soap for your bare legs if you’re wearing shorts, or a good washing for your pants if you’re not.  I demand a Congressional inquiry into this matter, immediately (but not on my tax dollars). 

 Hole in the Floor.  I haven’t been to Japan to sample their uniquely refreshing toilets, but I have seen some bizarre examples of solutions in Europe (Paris, in particular):  a hole in the floor with footprints.  The idea is that you’re supposed to squat down with your feet in the footprints and …drop into the hole.  And these were in fairly modern restaurants which post-date the invention of toilets.  Even an outhouse or port-a-potty has a seat!  What went through their minds?  “Nah, toilets are too expensive.  A hole in the floor is good enough.”

 Wash Up After.  I’ve heard horror stories of waiters in India not washing their hands after using the bathroom – even after doing a #2.  Recall that Seinfeld episode.  Given the persistent posting of “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work” signs in commercial restrooms – as much to reassure the customers, I’m sure – perhaps some people do, in fact, need to be specifically told to do the obvious.  Because for whatever reason, somehow it’s not obvious to them.