The Room and Heaven's Gate

Earlier I specifically reviewed two movies known to be horrendously bad: “Gigli” and “Plan 9 From Outer Space”.  Now it’s time to revisit another pair, “The Room” and “Heaven’s Gate.”

The Room.  This has become a cult classic because of its perceived poor quality.  Unfortunately, it’s actually not bad enough to be “so bad it’s good”.  It’s really just a dull story.  

            Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is a long-haired, handsome, well-employed guy in San Francisco (the city gets extensive footage so we’re sure exactly where the film takes place – perhaps to pad the running length as the story doesn’t take that long – although it was actually filmed in L.A.)  A perfect catch, right?  His would-be-mother-in-law certainly thinks so.  But his fiancé, Lisa (Juliette Danielle) doesn’t agree:  Johnny is SO perfect, he’s boring.  So she throws herself at any local available males, and eventually finds one horny enough to accept her advances, who happens to be Johnny’s best friend Mark.  Mind you, she’s no particular beauty or catch herself, not all that pretty or sexy, pretty much just plain average in every way.  Normally a woman like her would count her blessings at catching a guy like Johnny.  Not this one.

Eventually Johnny finds out – of course.  And the results aren’t pretty, though not all that surprising, so there are no real plot twists or “damn, I never saw that coming,” more like “well, that escalated quickly.”  In fact, the finale is really the only excitement in the whole film.   That’s it.  No big name actors in this whole thing.   Moreover, many of scenes make no sense, many plot lines are adopted and quickly abandoned seemingly at random, with no connection to the main plot.  Perhaps it was Wiseau’s attempt at some sort of artistic realism, “truth is stranger than fiction”.  But we expect a movie to make sense, we have enough randomness and senselessness in our real lives.

            So what gives the film its notoriety?  The acting is pretty bad, but no worse than a porn movie or those Emmanuelle films.   The special effects are irrelevant, as it’s a drama/romance.  The sex scenes are as tastefully done as any soap opera, which more than anything else this film resembles.  Probably the worst thing about the film is that it’s just pretty boring.   About how you might describe “Gigli”, though that film at least had an A-list cast.

Heaven’s Gate.  This is the famously financially ruinous western from the early 80s.  Kris Kristofferson plays the main guy, Jim Averill, a lawman in otherwise lawless Johnson County, Wyoming.   My father told me this was “the worst film ever made.”  I should have known Michael Cimino, who did “The Deer Hunter”, was responsible, as both films are very long and boring and both feature Christopher Walken.

            After graduating from Harvard in 1870 with John Hurt, Averill finds himself in Wyoming.  The local cattle ranchers, “The Association”, led by Canton (Sam Waterston, in the only unsympathetic role I’ve ever seen him do) draw up a hit list of locals they want arrested and killed.  The targets are recent immigrants from Europe, many Jews, many Germans, etc. the “you’re not from around here” crowd.   They’re just missing Andrea Martin’s clueless Eastern European woman from SCTV, or the entire population of “Fiddler on the Roof’s” fictional Russian village of Anatevka.  

Champion (Walken) starts out as a hitman for the Association but soon switches sides when he realizes its targets are innocents – including his own would-be lover, the local madam Ella Watson (Isabelle Huppert).  Nominally Averill’s babe, she shows some serious skin, including full frontal nudity.   That and the visual scenery of big sky Wyoming (actually filmed in Montana – close enough) are among the modest redeeming values of this film.   Jeff Bridges is in here as the local roller rink proprietor, John Bridges (unknown if there any relation).  Minor roles by Geoffrey Lewis, Mickey Rourke, Richard Masur, and Brad Dourif (hard to recognize in a beard).  Not only a decent cast, but the acting is fairly decent as well.  Moreover, it does have a discernable plot, though the plot takes forever to work itself through.

            Of course, the hitmen and the immigrants finally bump ugly in a big climactic battle, which itself takes about 30 minutes – and even that isn’t the end of the film.   Cue Randall in “Star Wars vs. LOTR” bitching about the excessive length.  Remarkably, the 3.5 hour length was itself cut down from the 5 hours Cimino originally wanted.  I had to watch it in three installments: the first 30 minutes, the next 90 minutes, and the final 90 minutes.  Too bad the remaining 90 minutes of cut material wasn’t included as deleted scenes.  

To make matters even more confusing, as originally distributed to theaters in April 1981, the film was cut down to 149 minutes, though the 149 minute “cut” was never released in that format on VHS, laserdisc or DVD. Mind you, 149 minutes is still two and half hours.  All home versions are essentially the one I saw, the 219 minute version, so as of 2014 there is no way – and has been no way – to see the movie as originally theatrically released in 1981. 

Moreover, the story also takes considerable liberties with the historical facts: Watson wasn’t a prostitute, and she and Averill were killed two years before the events in question, among many other significant discrepancies.   Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story, eh?  But the #1 issue is simply the excessive length and glacial pace of the film.

Black Oak Arkansas

Inspired by a recent article in Classic Rock magazine – those guys should get kickbacks from bands! – I delved into this until-now neglected-by-me band.  As the name implies, they are from Black Oak, Arkansas – probably the only major band from that state.  According to singer Jim “Dandy” Mangrum, the band has finally sorted out its myriad issues and is back in business.  In fact, they have a new album out.

I purchased “the Original Album Series”, as I did with Argent, a collection of the first five albums in mini-sleeves and nothing in the way of liner notes:  Black Oak Arkansas (self-titled), Keep The Faith, If An Angel Came To See You, Would You Make Her Feel At Home, High on the Hog, and Street Party.   Of these, the first three are poorly produced and not overly impressive.  High is their most famous album, and the production takes a huge step up to mainstream 70’s rock, with Street Party following closely behind.

Their 70s live album, The Complete Raunch’N’Roll Live [“Complete” being a recent re-issue which restored the collection to two full shows] showcases their live talent, mainly Jim Dandy’s tendency to talk between songs and ramble on.  He’s not as entertaining in that regard as Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) or Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden), but somewhat more coherent than Ian Gillan (Deep Purple).  For some reason he’s into getting the audience into deep breathing exercises.

The new album is Back Thar N’ Over Yonder, which includes 5 new songs – of comparable quality to High, and 10 previously unreleased tracks.  They can join Blue Cheer as yet another band covering the Stones’ “Satisfaction.”

Finally I had to top this off with the live DVD, Live at the Royal Albert Hall, filmed in London at their peak in the 1970s.   Dandy slithers across the stage with lusto and gusto, and even pulls out his washboard prop (with practically no musical contribution therefrom) amidst a set that even includes a cover of the Beatles’ “Taxman”.  The overall impression is “Lynyrd Skynyrd fronted by David Lee Roth…hold on, is that Ozzy’s drummer?”

David Lee Roth.  When Gene Simmons tried to get Van Halen a record deal, he noted that one problem the band had was being confused with Black Oak Arkansas due to Roth’s resemblance to Jim Dandy.  Listening to  studio albums and a live album, I hear ZERO resemblance, vocally, between the two.   Jim Dandy has an exaggerated backwoods growl he uses for most every song – sorta like Billy Gibbons’ sing-talk at the beginning of “La Grange”.  It’s also reminiscent of Doug “The Greaseman” Tracht’s way of talking.  Like Geddy Lee and Burke Shelley, it’s a unique and distinctive vocal style that definitely has to be an acquired taste.  By comparison, both David Lee Roth and Ronnie Van Zant have far more accessible and mainstream vocal styles.

But visually?  This is where the DVD comes “to the rescue” indeed.  Long, straight, blonde hair?  Check.  Bared hairy chest?  Check.  Flashy bell bottoms?  Check.  Sorry, but style-wise, David Lee Roth owes Mr. Dandy some serious royalties, if a singer’s image could be copyrighted.   Then again, on “Dancin’ In the Streets”, which both bands covered, the difference in their vocal styles can be directly compared.  So long as we keep our eyes closed and ears open, listening but not seeing, Roth is in the clear. 

Notable songs.  “Lord Have Mercy On My Soul”, “Fever in My Mind”, “Jim Dandy” (obviously the inspiration for the Greaseman’s “Redneck” song), “Moonshine Sonata” (an excellent instrumental), and “Dixie” (yes, the theme song of the CSA).  Dandy’s style is half “I’m a hopeless, horny loser, always on the prowl for pussy” and half, “God, Jesus, please forgive me” overtly religious praying and/or sermonizing, e.g. “Everybody Wants To See Heaven, Nobody Wants to Die”. 

Miscellaneous.  Tommy Aldridge, the drummer for Ozzy between Lee Kerslake and Randy Castillo (Diary of a Madman era) was the drummer for BOA at their peak and shows up in the RAH DVD.   Also, “You’re Crazy”, from G’N’R’s Appetite For Destruction, shows that Axl Rose can do a de facto BOA tribute song.  As the most famous band from Arkansas in the 1970s, BOA was friends with the governor, Bill Clinton.  On the new album, Dandy even remarks that, “me and a President, we didn’t inhale.”  Finally, BOA was on the bill at the famous California Jam in 1974 which featured Black Sabbath (Tony sans mustache), Deep Purple (Mark III) (Blackmore kills the TV camera with his Strat), and ELP, the headliner.

Shanghai 1937

More war!  More battle! And more China!   In particular, Shanghai 1937: Stalingrad on the Yangtze, by Peter Harmsen.   First off, it’s a good book in terms of identifying the parties involved, describing their backgrounds, and succinctly telling us what happened in terms of battles, units, casualties, etc.  Bravo.   I can recommend the book to anyone. 

However, I do have to take major issue with the author’s comparison with the battle of Stalingrad.

First, here’s what happened in Shanghai. In July 1937, the Japanese military presence in China was up in Manchuria, the northeastern part they really wanted.  Plus they were worried that Stalin would come down into Manchuria: 30 years after the Russo-Japanese War, and these two countries were still at it.  Anyhow.  The Chinese Generalissimo (Supreme Political and Military Leader) Chiang Kai Shek got the great idea to throw his best German-trained divisions into a street fighting meat grinder to take out the Japanese in downtown Shanghai.  In other words, a war of attrition in a city area which would hopefully destroy the Japanese presence in China.   This sounds more like the Germans’ plans for Verdun in World War I.

            Unfortunately for CKS, things didn’t work out as he planned.  The street fighting ate up his elite divisions like snow in July.  Fighting from heavily fortified positions, the Japanese were able to defend their urban sectors fairly easily.  Plus they had more aircraft, AND the Chinese Air Force was afraid of any anti-aircraft, so as soon as the flak went off, the Chinese pilots turned away and dropped their bombs nowhere close to the Japanese.   For their part, the Japanese also had several heavy cruisers on the river which provided artillery support to the Japanese forces in the city. 

            To make matters worse, the Chinese troops wasted fighting in downtown Shanghai were CKS’s elite, German trained forces, complete with M35 helmets, Mauser rifles, AND German advisors; miraculously, none of the advisors were killed in the battle. 

Second, the Japanese pulled some troops from Taiwan, some from Manchuria, some from home, landed them northeast and south of Shanghai, out in the countryside, sent them off to link up with each other, and proceeded to encircle Shanghai anyway.  Aside from one unit holding one building for propaganda purposes – which eventually ran into the International Settlement – the rest of the Chinese forces caught inside Shanghai had to run west to avoid being caught in the city. 

So the whole thing A) wiped out CKS’s best forces in street battles and B) essentially gave the Japanese Shanghai.   The most that could be said is that the Japanese did suffer heavy casualties in some specific engagements, but not enough to make a big difference. 

Let’s compare that with Stalingrad.   The Germans invaded Russia in June 1941.  They hoped to take Moscow by December, but were thrown back by elite Siberian units.  A temporary setback, but the Germans weren’t out of the equation yet.  In 1942 they resumed the offensive again.  By August, they reached Stalingrad, which is in southeast European Russia (west of the Urals) on the Volga river.  They bombed and shelled the city, and conquered all but the last sliver of territory on the west bank of the Volga.  Because of this, the Russians were able to resupply their forces on the west bank…from the east bank, although the Stukas tried to stop them.

            By November, the situation had changed.  Outside Stalingrad, the Red Army attacked the German flanks – mainly unhappy Italians and Romanians with no heavy weapons – and succeeded at surrounding the city.  The German pocket of the Sixth Army, containing roughly 250,000 men, was a large oval with Stalingrad proper on its eastern edge; the rest was open space.   Hitler forbade the Sixth Army from trying to break out.  Relief armies which tried to break the Soviet ring were smashed aside, and threatened with encirclement themselves.   Goering claimed the Luftwaffe could supply the Sixth Army by air, but couldn’t come close to getting the job done. 

            Finally, in February 1943, von Paulus, the commander of the Sixth Army, had to surrender.   Game over for the Sixth Army.   Oddly, even THAT didn’t end the Germans’ chances of winning the Eastern Front war.  It was a final battle in August 1943, Kursk – the largest tank battle in history – which finally blunted the Germans and forced them on the defensive.   But even then, it took until May 1945 – almost two years later – for the Nazis to fall.  Even in January 1945, the Red Army was still only in Poland. 

            So, how was Shanghai like Stalingrad?   The Japanese were the invaders.   Chiang Kai Shek allowed his men to escape the Japanese encirclement – with what forces were left, except for one division kept in one building as a symbolic gesture of resistance.  Moreover, Shanghai had a huge international settlement: the eyes of the world, through Western and American journalists, could observe the battle taking place blocks away.  Nothing like that occurred in Stalingrad, deep within a totalitarian dictatorship.  Street fighting + encirclement does not make a strong comparison.  Each battle needs to be viewed and considered on its own merits.  

Baretta

Here I don’t mean the Italian gunmaker – Beretta – but the 1975-78 American TV show with Robert Blake in the title role.

The series is not available on Netflix – and only Season 1 (12 episodes) – is available on DVD anyway.  I had no choice but to purchase Season 1 to watch it.  I did so because the show claims to take place in Newark, New Jersey, at the time.

Tony Baretta (Robert Blake).  Police detective, he lives in a hotel with his cockatoo Fred.  He drives a blue fullsize Impala.  The yellow ’70 GTO Judge in the opening credits was a bad guy who tried to run him over – about as much screen time as in the credits.  Baretta’s deal is that he’s “honest”, sympathetic to the more sympathetic crooks, and loves to disguise himself and assume all sorts of clever roles.  Bravo!

Fred.  The bird.  Just flies around and does a few tricks.  Not nearly as evil as Nigel in "Rio", nor as helpful as Snowy (Tintin’s dog).

Billy (Tom Ewell).   Yes, the hapless book publisher from “The Seven Year Itch” looks after Tony instead of lusting after Marilyn Monroe.  He’s put on weight but he’s a good friend.   In addition to looking after Fred when Tony’s off on the job, he also handles various odd jobs.

Lt. Schiller (Dana Elcar).  Baretta’s tough-as-nails, take-no-bullshit superior.  Schiller gives Tony his assignments and gives him the usual grief and flak we expect from police bureaucrats, but deep down he knows Tony’s a good cop.

Rooster (Michael Roberts).   Not Huggy Bear, but a similar dark-skinned lowlife pimp type who provides Tony with lots of useful and relevant street information on who the bad guys are, where they can be found, who they’re hanging out with, and what they’re up to.  Slick and sympathetic, as you might expect.

The plots are fairly standard and predictable.  Stephen J. Cannell apparently wrote all these shows in the 70s.  No surprises.  It's more entertaining to see many later film stars (e.g. Margot Kidder) in minor TV roles, but that's the charm of any of these 70's TV shows.

N.J. or L.A.?  This is by far the most egregious shortcoming of this show, and why I wouldn’t watch Seasons 2-4 even if they were available on DVD.  I was hoping to see northern New Jersey.  It wasn’t long before I recognized the palm trees, eternal sunshine, background mountains, plus the road signs for L.A. locations and fact that all cars have California tags.  ???  Viewers with any familiarity with L.A. would obviously recognize it.  Viewers with any familiarity with northern New Jersey will likewise see it’s clearly NOT Newark.  Plus once you get up near Newark, the NYC skyline – which at that time would have included both the Empire State Building and the World Trade Center – is clearly visible in the distance to the northeast.  Nope: just mountains.  This is like filming in Arizona and calling it Canada.  [In one episode he claims to be from Nutley, New Jersey, which is in fact where Blake came from.]

Robert Blake (real name: Michael Gubitosi).  Long before “Baretta”, he was a child actor: as Mickey in the “Our Gang” series, a continuation of the Little Rascals.  His character was the stereotype Italian-American kid.  I can’t say I recall ever seeing him.  This series started well before the talkies (1922) and ended well after (1944), so the late 30s era with Spanky, Darla, Alfalfa and Buckwheat (“O-TAY!”) was just a phase, albeit the most well-known, before he was involved.  From 1944 to 1975 he acted in various roles, the most famous of which was “In Cold Blood” in 1967.

Then, long after “Baretta”, Blake was charged with killing his wife, Bonnie Lee Blakley, in 2001.  The criminal proceedings took several years, but the jury acquitted him in 2005.  However (as with the O.J. Simpson case) a subsequent civil case ended up with a judgment against him for $30 million.