TV

It’s been around longer than I’ve been alive (41 years) and still going strong, in fact now available in HD.  For the purpose of this blog, I’ll include cable TV, not simply broadcast.  Here are my thoughts.

 B&W.  Plenty of TV shows from the mid-60s and early were originally in black & white, but I recall us having a small black & white TV in the guest bedroom in the 70s.  Europe switched over in the 70s to color TV, with Romania and Albania being the last (1978).  I can’t really think of many early 60s and earlier TV shows I really cared for – including “The Honeymooners”.

 Cable.  Growing up in the 70s, we knew NO ONE who had this.  In fact, we were unaware it even existed until the early 80s and MTV.  By far, MTV is what put cable TV on the map.  This was back when they actually played music videos (if anyone can remember that).  I was never that impressed by HBO, though the new Pacific series has me vaguely tempted.

 FOX & UHF.  Back in the 70s, there was no “FOX”.  We just had the big three: ABC, NBC, and CBS.  There were various UHF channels, plus PBS.  PBS mainly gave us “Sesame Street” and “The Electric Company”, and also showed “Benny Hill” and other British shows.  The UHF channels mainly showed offbeat movies.  The prevailing wisdom was that no one could compete with the big three.  WRONG.   Fox gave us “Married With Children” and “The Simpsons” and has been going strong since then.  

 Game Shows.  I prefer “Jeopardy”.  I like to play along at home.  If I don’t know the answer, I’ll come up with something.  “He invented mustard.” “Who is...Madonna?”  The “$64,000 Pyramid” was also damn good.  Sometimes I wonder if the point of “Let’s Make A Deal” was specifically to ridicule and lampoon game show contestants – “Jerry Springer”, ahead of its time.

 Sit-Coms.  Usually these are stupid beyond words.  But “Two and a Half Men” is hilarious, despite its dull and unoriginal premise.  Is it my imagination, or did the sit-coms get duller and more wholesome in the 80s?  I’m thinking of “Family Ties”, “Growing Pains”, “Full House”, all those family shows with annoying little morals and squeaky clean kids.  Not that “Roseanne” was really any better.  Back in the 70s, the shows were more cerebral and pretentious: “The Odd Couple”, “Rhoda”, “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” (check her out in the opening credits wearing a purple Vikings jersey, #10!).

 Soap Operas.  Daytime, I never watch – usually I’m at work anyway.  These are clearly for people who stay at home during the day.  I am catching up on “Dallas”, and follow “Desperate Housewives” (as mentioned earlier).

 Late Night.  First there was Johnny Carson.  ZZZ – humor for the WWII generation, of which I’m not.  Leno, in that respect, was a big improvement (plus he’s a huge car guy).  Letterman I never liked: he’s an uptight doofus pretending to be a cool guy.  Conan is probably the best of the three, very real but funny.  And remember Arsenio Hall?  Or Chevy Chase?

 TV nonstop.   I am not one of those people who watches it nonstop, putting it on as soon as I get home from work and leaving on all the time, even while I sleep.  I watch it when I have something I want to watch.

 “Reality” TV.  Whether it’s “Jerry Springer” or “Survivor”, I zone out.   What annoys me about the “Survivor” shows is that it’s 30% “actual survival” and 70% “stupid office intrigues, personality conflicts, ratting people out”, things of that nature which never interest me.  The same with “Biggest Loser”, which seems at least as much of this backstabbing and personality conflicts as about... losing weight?

 Drama.  I tend to ignore most of these.  I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy”, any “CSI” or “NCIS” show where they cleverly solve all sorts of crimes with advanced technology.  Give me “CSI LONDON 1888” where clever Scotland Yard detectives FINALLY tell us who Jack the Ripper was.  And please bring back “Life on Mars”.

 Crime/Cops.  I never watched “Miami Vice”.  I wasn’t really into “Starsky & Hutch” (though the car was cool), “Knight Rider” (it was on when I was in France, I only got into after I bought my black Firebird), “Baretta”, “Mannix”, “Hill Street Blues” (talk about a bewildering array of characters on that one), “The Rockford Files”, “The Streets of San Francisco”, etc.

 Sports.  Usually I watch NFL and soccer (including the World Cup).  I ignore most of the Olympics, ESPN, baseball, basketball, hockey, tennis – and GOLF is dull to watch, only marginally less dull to play.  I’ve finally got RedZone, but haven’t had a chance to watch it yet.  But I am not one of these guys who zones out in front of the TV for a game, which during football season would be 1 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Sunday, with a break between the end of the 4 p.m. game and the beginning of the Sunday night game for dinner + Monday Night Football.

 HD.   FINALLY I got an HD TV, and scroll down past channel 702 to get all the HD channels.  The resolution is astonishing.  It simply has to be seen to be believed.

 The Best.  If I had to name the best, I’d say here are a few:

“Two and a Half Men”.  Charlie Sheen plays Charlie Harper, a jingle writer, single with no kids.  His brother Alan (John Cryer), is a divorced chiropractor who moves in with Charlie after his wife Judith kicks him out.  He has a young son (the same actor all this time).  The humor is astonishingly adult for a sit-com, and Sheen’s real life is mercilessly ridiculed. 

 “My Name is Earl”.  Quality insanity from Jason Lee.  He’s got this list, see?  And he has to keep crossing off the bad things he’s done and make up for them, one by one.  His brother Randy isn’t too bright, his ex-wife Joy clearly uses those white trash bags, but the latina maid is very hot.  I like the odd mix of low-class & deep philosophy.

 “M*A*S*H”.  I’ve already gone on about this at length.

 “Friends” was OK. I got into this because it came on after “Seinfeld”, and continued to watch it after “Seinfeld” ended, following it until this show itself ended.  With “My Name is Earl” gone, Thursday night is basically “The Office”, which while good doesn’t compel me to set aside the evening for TV.

 The Office.  No laugh track, simply humorous situations, particularly Michael Scott (Steve Carell) who is (of course) consistently unintentionally funny, which is the whole point.  I loved the one where Dwight (Rainn Wilson) “catches” Oscar playing hookie, oblivious to Oscar’s much more controversial secret, his special friend (!).  Or when Michael is unaware he’s wearing a suit designed for Hillary Clinton.

 “The Simpsons”.  Remarkably, this has not “jumped the shark” (peaked) but is still getting better.  Matt Groening is the Steven Spielberg of TV.  I don’t know how they keep coming up with new ideas, but somehow they do it.

 “Seinfeld”.  This show was fantastic.  You never knew what was going to happen, it was completely unpredictable.  And they would run with stuff – George didn’t lose his Yankees job in the next episode, nor did Elaine’s job with Peterman fizzle out by the end of the episode.  About the only thing you could predict is that whatever idiotic scheme Kramer and Newman had, it would end up badly. 

 “South Park”. Winding up the three S-shows.  Although it can be extremely offensive at times, Parker and Stone leave you wondering: did they deliberately try to mess with us, or is this just their twisted sense of humor?  No one is tackling delicate and controversial issues more directly and more humorously.  And this is a crudely animated cartoon show about 4 10 year olds in Colorado.  Sad to say it, but “Family Guy” – as clever and funny as Seth McFarlane may be – is simply a tagalong copycat. 

Guns & Ammo

In October, 1992 I began working for an attorney, Jerry, who used to work for the NRA.  He was heavily into guns – even had a safe put in his basement for all his guns.  We would go to the range during business hours or on the weekend.  He was the one who infected me with an interest in guns which went beyond my normal intense interest in the military.

 In the past, I’ve had a few guns.

 Beretta 92FS.  This was the first gun I bought, when I was working for Jerry.  It’s a 9mm automatic, and replaced the Colt 1911 .45 as the US military’s handgun of choice.  It comes with a double-stacked magazine holding 15 rounds, and I secured a few extra mags, and an inside the belt holster.  It’s also the gun Riggs (Mel Gibson) uses in the “Lethal Weapon” movies.  At some later point I sold it.

 AR15.  The civilian, semi-auto version of the M-16.  My version had the standard barrel and jacket, making it look like an M-16.  I fired it once, shortly after purchasing it in 1993 (right before the assault gun ban went into effect).  It fires .223, aka 5.56mm.  I sold it to Jerry.

 .32 Revolver.  My dad’s brothers were cops, so they gave him this gun, and he had a DC (!) gun permit for it.  Unfortunately, it was a small, underpowered gun.  Compared to the Beretta, the sound was “pop!” and the recoil nonexistent; with the ear protection on the impression is of firing a cap gun.  Not only that, the permit was non-transferable and not valid for any other gun, i.e. worthless.  I ended up selling it with my dad’s OK.

 At this point, I only own two:

 Mauser Kar98K.  A few years after buying the AR15, I bought this one.  This is the standard infantry rifle of the German Army during WWII, in 7.92mm, best known in the US as 8mm Mauser.  It has a 5 round internal magazine, typically fed by stripper clips.  The recoil is noticeable but not too bad.

            Arguably, the Mauser rifle deserves a blog entry of its own.  The design was perfected in 1898 with the Gewehr 98 model, which served the German Army throughout WWI.  In the 1930s, the K98 model was designed, a compromise between the longer Gewehr and the shorter carbine.  Even the US copied it to make the 1903 Springfield (they had to pay a royalty to Mauser).  So many countries used a Mauser variant that it might be easier simply to name the ones which didn’t.  The notable non-Germans were the Israelis, Yugoslavians, Chinese, Russians (captured from the Germans – and supplied to Soviet satellites as late as the Vietnam war), Portugal, Norway, and even France. 

            Ages before I got my rifle, had been collecting WWII German militaria.  I had the ammo pouches (black leather) and the bayonet.  Sure enough, the pair of pouches fit 12 stripper clips of 8mm Mauser (60 rounds) and the bayonet slipped right on. 

 Walther PP.  Jerry gave this to me.  The PPK (K = “kurz” or short) is the better known variety of this gun, which comes from Germany.  It’s .380 ACP, just short of 9mm.  James Bond carried the PPK, and Hitler shot himself with a PPK, so it’s not an obscure gun.  Personally, my preference would be for a Luger, but I’ve never been able to afford one.

 Revolvers.  I never really liked revolvers, never had any interest in a .357 Magnum or .44 Magnum, Dirty Harry notwithstanding.  “Lethal Weapon” gives the clear example: the young guy, Riggs (Gibson) uses the Beretta, while “I’m getting too old for this shit” Murtaugh (Glover) still carries his revolver.  And don’t get me started on single action revolvers; last I had one was a toy cap gun as a kid.

 Shotguns.  I never really got into shotguns, whether for hunting or “combat”.  All I can say is that a 12 gauge has a heavy kick to it.  I never really got into skeet shooting.

 Ammo.  Aside from shotgun shells (and slugs), the main deal is FMJ vs. JHP, regular bullets (full metal jacket) vs. jacketed hollow points.  What I’d typically do is get a single box of (expensive) Cor-Bon JHP for self-defense and rely on tons of surplus or reloaded FMJ for target practice.  The hollowpoints have a hollow point (obviously) which is designed to expand into a mushroom shape when striking human flesh, doing considerably more damage (!) than a regular bullet which might simply pass through the body. 

            But by the same token, against body armor a hollowpoint would be useless – it would expand against the vest instead of penetrating it.  Thus to call hollowpoints “cop killer” bullets is stupid.  Really what would qualify as such are armor-piercing bullets, which would go right through a bulletproof vest.  Such vests, though, tend to be designed to stop handgun rounds (up to .357 magnum) and not so much even against rifle rounds.  Rifle rounds tend to have twice the velocity of pistol rounds.  Only Type III and IV body armor are proof against rifle rounds, only Type IV against armor piercing rounds.

 Class III.  All of these were/are semi-auto, or in the case of the Mauser, bolt-action.  I’ve been to a Class III shoot at which various wealthy non-drug-dealers brought a variety of fully automatic weapons: an MG-34, an MG-42 (on tripod), a Browning .30, a Lewis, and maybe a few more I can’t recall.  These require a special license from the BATF, but the main obstacle is price:  there is no such thing as a cheap full auto weapon.  Most WWII submachine guns, M-16A1s, or machine guns run $20,000-40,000.  The cheapest I could find was an M2 carbine for $7000.  Of course, that doesn’t count all the ammunition you’d run through.  Well, if I win the lottery…

 Concealed carry.  I’ve noticed that most jurisdictions have a law that says you don’t need a carry permit to take your gun to and from the range, provided you make NO detours and securely lock up the gun en route.  The exceptions are so narrow, that getting a concealed weapon permit makes sense even if you have no intention of carrying the gun around with you all the time.  Unlike the 90s, by now most states – including Virginia - have passed “shall issue” carry laws, which means that if you aren’t a criminal or a wacko, the local court has to grant you the permit.  In the past, the laws gave the court discretion to deny the permit based on need, and of course the liberal courts found that no one – even Oliver North or crime victims – had any legitimate need to carry a weapon around.  They do require that you take a handgun safety course, which is sensible enough.  I let my earlier permit expire, but I plan on getting a new one as soon as I can find my safety course certificate.

            Florida was the first state to pass that kind of law (aside from Vermont, which has no law regarding concealed carry) and the anti-gun, Brady Bunch crowd predicted mayhem in the streets, Dodge City, as anyone with a beef and a gun would be settling disputes with bullets and not words.  Didn’t happen.  Nor did it happen in Virginia, or any other state which followed suit.  The Brady Bunch are liars, plain and simple.

 NRA.  The National Rifle Association gets a bad rap.  Their national headquarters is in Fairfax, very close by and convenient.  Their indoor range is fantastic: decent distance, open 7 days a week, and they allow you to fire rifles, not just handguns and shotguns. 

            As for their politics…a few years ago Guns & Ammo magazine posted an “Election Guide” which warned off voters from Libertarian candidates.  “They don’t have a chance, don’t waste your vote.”  The NRA Guide was more lenient:  it made no recommendation one way or another, and simply said, “Libertarian candidates as a matter of ideology are consistently pro-gun.” 

            Back to the Brady Bunch: the NRA has never advocated that “everyone” should have a handgun or weapon, or that basic gun regulations (e.g. felons and insane barred from having guns) are objectionable per se.  What they object to are blanket bans – no one can have weapons – or hidden bans, such as prohibitive taxes on guns or ammunition.  As usual, the Brady Bunch plays the “straw man” game, of attributing bogus arguments to the NRA to discredit the organization.

            Where the NRA went astray was focusing too much on hunting.  Somewhere along the line they decided that no one would ban hunting, so to associate guns with hunting would be a good way of protecting gun rights and ownership.  Of course, they ran afoul when liberals took the ball and ran with it, proposing to ban anything other than a hunting rifle, making the NRA look foolish for defending handguns and “assault rifles” which few people hunt with. 

            But it’s not just about hunting – which I don’t care for and have no interest in – but personal protection, and even “tyranny deterrence.”  In terms of the former, we have a right, under criminal laws of most states, to defend ourselves with deadly force when faced with an immediate threat to life or property.  Even with a duty to retreat, that duty does not apply when you’re in your own home.  The law never requires you to be a victim at home.  Moreover, the police are not, and never were, our bodyguards.  The police simply come by to pick up the bodies and maybe (!) solve the crime after the fact, which doesn’t do us much good.  As hard working or brave as they may be, their duty is not to protect us before a crime is committed.  Most rank and file police officers tend to support gun rights, it’s their politically motivated police chiefs and FOP/union heads who have to fall in line with the liberal agenda of disarming America’s lawabiding citizens while being unable to effectively disarm the criminals who would harm us.

            As for “tyranny deterrence”, as radical as it seems, ordinary citizens have the right to military style weapons, not just sporterized hunting rifles, precisely to deter Obama, Janet Reno, or whoever, from trying to oppress us and take away our freedoms.  To those who shudder at the thought of illiterate inbreds from the backwoods of our country constituting our “militia”, the answer is, as Daily Kos put it, that there is nothing in the 2^nd Amendment preventing the Paul Wellstones, Al Frankens, or Michael Moores from strapping on a rifle and declaring their own militia. 

Double Albums

By this I mean double studio albums, which are rare.  Since a headliner’s concert show lasts about 90 minutes, and an LP is 40-60 (usually 40, 60 minutes only with the best recording engineer, Iron Maiden seems to be the only band to bother) this means a full concert will take two LPs and won’t even fit on a single 70 minute CD.  But for those brave souls who dare to inflict 90 minutes of new material on an unsuspecting audience…what are the results?

 The Who Tommy.  Concept album about a boy, Tommy, who looks like Roger Daltrey and whose parents resemble Oliver Reed and Ann-Margret.  Also known as “rock opera”, with a plot (fairly convoluted).  Pete Townshend’s attempt to top Tommy with Lifehouse wound up as Who’s Next instead, hardly a bad album but well beneath his lofty ambitions; as Daltrey explains, “the problem with Pete’s ideas is that he is the only one who can understand them.”  This was turned into a movie with the afore-mentioned Daltrey, Reed and Ann-Margret, but also Keith Moon, Eric Clapton, Tina Turner and Elton John.  I found the music to be fine, but the plot to be a bit Byzantine.  In any case I prefer Who’s Next.

   I've seen the movie, Quadrophenia, but not heard the double studio album of the same name.

 The Beatles, White Album.  Now we’re talking.  I think Sgt. Pepper is heavily overrated, especially relative to this one.  Although it has a few turds like “Wild Honey Pie”, “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road”, and “Revolution #9”, the gems more than make up for those: “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” (stunning guitar solo by Clapton), “Back in the USSR”, “Rocky Raccoon”, “Don’t Pass Me By”, “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”, “I’m So Tired”, “Helter Skelter”, “Birthday”, “Long, Long, Long” and even “Good Night”.  I have fond memories singing along to “Back in the USSR” in a hotel room in Kiev with my ASP buddies.

 The Rolling Stones, Exile On Main Street.  Let me say this: the Emperor has no clothes.  This album, far from being the masterpiece that rock journalists – who would bear Keith Richards’ children if male pregnancy were at all possible – make it out to be, has not ONE “Jumping Jack Flash” or “Gimme Shelter” on it to justify the purchase.  The “hit”, “Tumbling Dice”, is mediocre, as are all the rest.  Its mystique appears to be solely supported by Keith’s drug habit.

 Led Zeppelin, Physical Graffiti.  For an album of tracks simply thrown together at random, this has no turds and several gems: “Kashmir”, “In My Time of Dying”, “The Rover”, “In The Light”, “Ten Years Gone”, with the rest being no worse than mediocre.  

 Pink Floyd, The Wall.  Waters’ epic story about a jaded rock star (himself) who builds a wall between himself and his audience.  Like Tommy, this is one where I think the story is less impressive than the music itself: “Another Brick In The Wall (Part II)”, “Comfortably Numb”, “Mother”, “The Thin Ice”, “In The Flesh”, and “Waiting For The Worms”.  I’ve grown tired of the movie itself (I much prefer “Live at Pompeii”, as anyone who follows my blogs will guess) but I do like the marching hammers and Gerald Scarfe animation.
   Does Ummagumma count? It's one disc of live material and only the second is studio.  Of the latter, Gilmour's "Narrow Way" parts I-III are by far the most enjoyable.  I'm not keen on animal noises, ranting Picts, Sisyphus or the Grand Vizier.  Likewise, Cream's Wheels of Fire album is half studio, half live.

 Miles Davis, Bitches Brew.  I'm not a jazz fan, but I do like psychedelic music, so this "free form jazz odyssey" didn't tax my patience.  Along that same line, I like Can's Tago Mago (mentioned in my "Psychedelisch" blog).

 Jimi Hendrix, Electric Ladyland.  Not too bad, but too much of it doesn't match up to the quality of the two tracks most often lifted from this one, "Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)" and "All Along the Watchtower".

 Baroness recently atoned for their noise-laden Blue and Red albums with the double Yellow/Green album, which has more normal singing and a proggy feel to it.

 Frank Zappa has his Mothers of Invention debut album, Freak Out!, and his later triple album, Joe's Garage Acts I-III.  Both have a heavy dose of humor (as we expect from him) to avoid the length being tedious.

 Double studio albums seem to be a relic of the vinyl era, when sound concerns limited bands to 20 minutes per side of vinyl, or just under 45 minutes total for a single LP; some bands like Iron Maiden were able to cram almost 60 minutes of new studio material onto a single LP with no loss of sound quality.  Martin Birch: "the best sound engineers can do that, and Maiden only use the best."  A modern CD can fit 80 minutes of material, almost double the vinyl capacity, so as of this point, the only double studio CD album I know of is Judas Priest's Nostradamus concept album.  Give them credit for mixing it up a bit, because after the Ripper Owen Experiment, Priest then went "prog" for this project.  

 Techincally not double albums, but honorable mentions:

 Judas Priest, Turbo/Ram It Down.  The band originally intended to release them together, to juxtapose the commercial sheen of Turbo with the rough-edged metal of Ram It Down.  Of course, the record company argued that no one wants to buy a Judas Priest double studio album, and got their way.  I actually like Turbo, though, and Ram It Down doesn’t impress me nearly as much as Defenders of the Faith.  While I can understand the fans’ antipathy for Turbo – it certainly SOUNDS like a sellout album – to me, even with the synths and goofy lyrics (worst offender: “Parental Guidance”) it still rocks.

 Guns N’Roses, Use Your Illusion I & II.  They were released simultaneously.  Unfortunately it seems that GNR had one good album’s worth of music and another’s worth of mediocre tunage; had they distilled them to one album, they would have had a classic arguably stronger than Appetite For Destruction.  But the best song here, “Estranged”, ranks as possibly the best GNR song ever.  “Civil War”, “You Could Be Mine”, “Pretty Tied Up”, “Locomotive” (all from II) and the nice epic “November Rain” and impressive Wings cover “Live And Let Die” (from I) fill out the highlights.  Having heard Chinese Democracy (which, contrary to the rock press’ predictions, was released before true democracy did in fact make it to Red China) I’d say that it’s not as good as the “best of” Use Your Illusion.  Not a bad album, but to take 14 years to put out you’d expect another Pet Sounds.

Other Football Leagues

So far as we can tell, as of 2010 really the only game in town is the National Football League and college football.  Hard to believe, but until the TV era began in the 1950s, professional football was considered a joke and most football fans followed college football (see the film “Leathernecks”).  The most successful competitor to the NFL was the American Football League, which merged into the NFL to become what we now know of as the AFC; the Steelers, Browns and Colts switched over on the merger in 1970, which is how the Colts and Jets could have played each other in the 1969 Super Bowl.  But hey, just last January they did the next best thing to a rematch, the AFC Championship Game.  I wonder if Johnny Unitas and Joe Namath were watching.

 Here are the other leagues which competed with the NFL since its formation in the 1920s.

 All-America Football Conference.  This lasted from 1946-49.  It was “eaten” by the NFL in 1949 and two of its teams, the Cleveland Browns and San Francisco 49ers, became NFL teams (the Browns transferring to the AFC in 1970).  Somewhat confusingly, the AAFC had a Baltimore Colts, which was also absorbed by NFL, only to collapse the following season.  Then in 1953 Baltimore resurrected the team name for a new Colts team, the one we know of now as the Indianapolis Colts. 

 World League.  Not to be confused with NFL Europe (see below), this began in 1974 and died the following ’75 season.  What passed for “world” was Hawaii.  Teams born, died, and moved around mid-season.  This was too long ago for me to remember firsthand.

 USFL.   This only had three seasons: 1983, 1984, and 1985, then it died.  I was in Paris at the time, so I was vaguely aware of it. The teams: Arizona Outlaws/Wranglers; Birmingham Stallions; Boston/New Orleans/Portland Breakers (different city each season); Chicago Blitz; Denver Gold; Houston Gamblers; Jacksonville Bulls; Los Angeles Express; Memphis Showboats; Michigan Panthers; New Jersey Generals; Oakland Invaders; Oklahoma Outlaws; Philadelphia/Baltimore Stars; Pittsburgh Maulers; San Antonio Gunslingers; Tampa Bay Bandits; Washington Federals/Orlando Renegades.  Donald Trump was heavily involved in this league.   The league filed an anti-trust action against the NFL, and won: $1, tripled to $3 under the anti-trust rules.  USFL game footage is often shown on TV and in commercials as “generic football” as the USFL is no longer in existence to demand payment.  Some USFL rules which the NFL eventually adopted: 2 point conversions, salary caps, and instant replay.  Herschel Walker was by far the most famous USFL player; Reggie White, Jim Kelly, and Steve Young also started out in the USFL.

 NFL Europe.  The NFL made a heroic attempt to inject American football in the midst of soccer’s homeland, particularly Germany.  Teams: Frankfurt Galaxy, London Monarchs, Scottish Claymores, Barcelona Dragons, Amsterdam Admirals, Rhein Fire, Berlin Thunder, Hamburg Sea Devils, Cologne Centurions.  This lasted from 1991 to 2007; I saw a few games on TV, but they seemed to be playing in empty soccer stadiums.  I knew it couldn’t last.  I suppose “my team” was the Frankfurt Galaxy, with the best colors and coolest mascot.

 Canadian League.  Now with 8 teams in two divisions, the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, Montreal Alouettes (Owls), Toronto Argonauts (of which John Candy was a part owner), Winnipeg Blue Bombers, BC Lions, Calgary Stampeders, Edmonton Eskimos, and the Saskatchewan Roughriders.  Their “Super Bowl” is the Grey Cup.  Since the game is very similar to American football, there is considerable cross-pollination between CFL and NFL.  From 1993-95, there were some US teams in the CFL, but that experiment failed.  The most famous ex-CFL NFL players are Joe Theismann, Warren Moon, and Doug Flutie.

 XFL.  Folded after one season: 2001, started by Vince McMahon of WWF/WWE fame.  The eight teams were the Orlando Rage, the Chicago Enforcers, the NY/NJ Hitmen, the Birmingham Thunderbolts, the L.A. Xtreme, the SF Demons, the Memphis Maniax, and the Las Vegas Outlaws.  Everyone seemed to see the XFL is somewhat of a joke.

 UFL.  Yet another league, this only has 5 teams for now: the Florida Tuskers, the Hartford Colonials, the Las Vegas Locomotives, The Sacramento Mountain Lions, and the Omaha Nighthawks.  I don’t know how you can survive with only 5 teams.  The Florida Tuskers won the first (2009) season.

 Arena League.  All indoors, 50 yard playing field, almost the entire field is field goal range.  I hear Kurt Warner will be an announcer.  This has gone on from 1987 to 2009, at which point they are reorganizing and going back into business.  Teams: Alabama Vipers, Arizona Rattlers, Bossier/Shreveport Battlewings, Chicago Rush, Cleveland Gladiators, Dallas Vigilantes, Iowa (!) Barnstormers, Jacksonville Sharks, Milwaukee Iron, Oklahoma City Yard Dogs, Orlando Predators, Spokane Shock, Tampa Bay Storm, Tulsa Talons, and the Utah Blaze. 

 American Football League (AFL).  I saved this for last, as it’s the one which is still in existence, better known as the AFC of the NFL.  It started in 1960 and merged with the NFL in 1969.   And the Super Bowl began as a championship between the NFL champion and the AFL champion, so we have the AFL to thank for that.       Fortunately for the AFL, several factors worked in its favor.  First, NBC paid $36 million (a huge sum today, and even larger in 1960) to televise its games.  This money meant the league was solvent and could consistently play full seasons without confusion or interruption.  This also meant the league could pay salaries competitive with the NFL and lure away key players.  Second, and this is linked to #1, the standard of play was comparable to the NFL, with some tweaks thrown in.  Third, although the NFL had been around since the 1920s, it was only with the advent of televised games in the late 50s that it gained any traction, respectability or notoriety – so it was by no means conclusively established as the dominant league when the AFL showed up in 1960. 

Alice in Wonderland

Clearly this has been around for awhile, and turned into numerous movies, but in my view only 4 “versions” merit serious attention (and that doesn’t include several erotic versions which buzz around my subconscious like annoying bees). 

 Original Book, by Lewis Carroll.  This is actually two books, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and (written much later) Alice Through the Looking Glass.  I read an annotated version of both, by Martin Gardner, which included the original illustrations by John Tenniel.  What we think of as “Alice in Wonderland”, in terms of story and plot, is the first one.  TTLG features an Alice six months older who ventures through a mirror and takes various steps, analogous to chessboard moves, and winds up as a Queen – along with the White and Red Queens – after reaching the “8^th row”.  Most Alice movies and stories, most notably the 1951 Disney version (mentioned below) seem to use Wonderland as a basis and inject some elements, but not the plot or story, of TTLG; I haven’t seen TTLG itself adapted as a complete movie in its own right.  The TTLG elements which wound up elsewhere are the White Queen (in the Burton/Depp movie), the White Knight (played by Matt Frewer)(in the Alice! Miniseries), and the talking flower garden & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum in their storytelling mode (1951 Disney film).  Note that in TTLG the White Queen and Red Queens are merely chess counterparts and get along fine with each other – and with Alice, who by the time she meets them together at the same time (she had met each of them separately earlier in the story) is a Queen herself.  The Bandersnatch and Jabberwocky are mentioned in poems but not met in person. 

            In fact, much of both stories is poetry.  This is where the annotated version comes in handy, as Gardner reproduces the “originals” of many of the poems used, some being poems Carroll himself wrote before Wonderland and simply rewrote for this book, and others are parodies of existing popular poems which Carroll adapted to his story.   There are also dozens of puns, and Carroll – while a mathematician – loved word-play and logic puzzles, which he liberally injected into his stories. 

            Wonderland story.  Alice falls asleep and chases a White Rabbit into his hole.  After that she has a series of encounters: the Dodo, The Cheshire Cat, the Red Queen, the Mad Hatter & March Hare, finally winding up at a trial presided over by the Red Queen.  At trial, she herself is not the defendant, but the Knave of Hearts, who is portrayed as a lush (drunk).  It is at the trial, when all hell breaks loose, that she wakes up.

 Who was Lewis Carroll?  His real name was Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, a mathematics teacher in 19^th century England who never married.  His fixation was on prepubscent girls, though he maintained that this was a non-sexual preference.  In modern times we would look askance at a man who preferred the companionship of girls over mature (post-pubescent) women – or boys, as we’re convinced (with some strong conviction, if not evidence, in the case of Michael Jackson) that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  He even took nude pictures of the girls, though with the knowledge and permission, and in the presence of, the girls’ mothers.  At least, to this date, no evidence of tomfoolery has ever surfaced despite ample opportunity for such to be developed and investigated.  It seems that Carroll was asexual and favored girls because they would not make advances at him or be disappointed if he made no advances at them.

 I remember in high school psychology class, being shocked by Piaget and Freud suggesting latent sexuality in the minds of very young children, e.g. boys’ Oedipus complex.  But I’ve noticed that young girls seem to have a latent understanding of their role as child-bearers, though they clearly do not know or conceive of the actual manner in which babies are made, much less any understanding that adults consider the process enjoyable in its own right (“recreational sex” vs. “procreational sex”, as Frasier and Lilith put it in “Cheers”).  The simple proof is the abundance of baby dolls and miniature strollers, to which girls take with natural inclination.  They can see and appreciate the end result without any knowledge or awareness of how to get there.

 Boys, on the other hand, are nowhere close to this: their fixations is on “Action” and “violence”, being soldiers, policemen, firemen, or astronauts; their entire outlook is externally oriented.  The epitome of this is Buzz Lightyear, the “Toy Story” character (marvellously voiced by Tim Allen).  Not only is Buzz not domestically inclined (there is no Mrs. Lightyear, nor, for that matter, a curiously friendly male companion) he won’t even stay on the same PLANET!  “To Infinity and Beyond!” 

 So girls work backwards from babies to sex, whereas boys are never thinking of babies at all and discover sex when their bodies change – and even then, the focus is on SEX itself (“recreational”), with the baby-making element (“procreational”) entirely absent from their consciousness.   This is why “girls mature faster than boys”. 

 Anyhow, “Alice” was a real person, Alice Liddell, to whom Carroll would make up stories as he went along.  She suggested to him that he should actually write them down for public enjoyment, as she obviously recognized his talent and believed it would best be shared as much as possible.  She actually lived quite a long time – a newsreel of her in 1932 exists – but the Alice from Tenniel’s illustrations was either whole cloth imagination or a different girl, as the real Alice Liddell was a brunette who looked nothing like the Alice in Tenniel’s drawings.

 Tenniel.  The original illustrator.  I have the window sticker Alice talking to the Caterpillar in the back hatchglass of my Formula.  In 1901 another illustrator, Newell, took a stab at the venture, but his 1901 version does not appear to have been reprinted.  Gardner refers to his pictures by comparison to Tenniel, but never reproduces a single one.  With no reprints available, you can imagine that a 1901 original is not cheap.  So I can’t comment on Newell’s pictures.

            For his part, Tenniel was working closely with Carroll and they collaborated on the pictures.  Alice herself is portrayed as a young blonde girl with long hair and a pretty dress.  It seems the Disney illustrators updated Tenniel’s basic archetypes but remained essentially true to the Tenniel originals.  Tenniel was also drawing for Punch (political cartoons).

 Characters.  No matter what book, movie, etc. adaptation, we can expect certain stock characters to appear in some form.

Alice.  Usually, but not always, a young white blond female from England.  She is fairly intelligent and full of wonder, but baffled and sometimes frightened or discouraged by the whole thing.  She may even doubt her sanity or simply write it all off as “this is just a dream”, though that doesn’t work for the 2010 model Alice.

 White Rabbit.  Wearing a waistcoat and holding a pocket watch, he scampers about complaining that he’s “late”.  I liked the Disney version best, but the 2010 model was well done.  Incidentally, “White Rabbit” was done by The Great Society, Grace Slick’s pre-Jefferson Airplane band, a bit longer and more psychedelic.

 The Dodo.  Fussy and pompous in the Disney original, somewhat different in the others.  In the “Alice” miniseries he’s turned into a humanoid played by Tim Curry.

 Mad Hatter.  The MC of the tea party, he has a fairly modest role in the Disney classic yet is more of a central character in the other two movies (see below).  The 2010 movie gives him somewhat of a backstory, whereas he doesn’t appear mad at all in “Alice”.

 March Hare.  Sort of Trapper John/BJ Hunnicut to the Mad Hatter’s Hawkeye.  I liked his Disney version, somewhat of a rogue relative to the White Rabbit.

 Cheshire Cat.  As noted below, I think the Disney original pretty much defined this spectacularly bizarre character, who wears his madness with panache and flair, more so than even the Mad Hatter himself. 

 Caterpillar.  Surly and pompous, he sits on his mushroom puffing unknown smokables from his hookah pipe.  I have the classic picture in the rear window of my Formula.  As with the Dodo, in the “Alice” miniseries he’s turned into a humanoid.

 Red Queen.  Arrogant bitch who consistently demands “off with their heads” re: anyone evoking the least displeasure.  Well played by both Kathy Bates (“Alice”) and Helena Bonham Carter (Depp/Burton).

 White Queen.  Absent from Wonderland, she shows up in TTLG, as a nervous, fuss-budget white counterpart to the Red Queen.  In the Depp/Burton film she’s portrayed by Anne Hathaway and has a major role.

 Knave of Hearts.  His major original role was as defendant in the Wonderland trial, accused of stealing tarts from the Queen of Hearts.  In the Depp/Burton film, played by Crispin Glover in a vaguely Aragorn-esque fashion, he acts as the Red Queen’s enforcer, which clearly takes him well outside his original role.

 Having given the basics, here are the three major films.  Note: “Wonderland”, with Val Kilmer as John Holmes, is NOT about Alice, it is simply a depiction of the porn actor’s “role” in a series of killings.  Also, there have been many other film/TV versions of Alice in Wonderland which I know of but have not seen, and which are obscure; only the Alice in Wonderland/Lewis Carroll fanatics are aware of them and pay any attention to them.  I’m focusing here on the more mainstream adaptations.

 Disney Animated Film.  This originally came out in 1951.  I think of this as the classic standard, by which the others – animated or live action – should be judged.  Alice is young and pretty, but too young to be of interest to anyone.  The caterpillar is a real hoot: “who R U???” he puffs on his mushroom (predating text messaging by several decades).  The flowers accuse her of being a weed (surely she bore no resemblance to cannabis sativa!), and the Cheshire Cat is fantastic.  “He’s mad too,” he warns Alice, referring to the March Hare.  When she objects to associating with mad people, he advises her, “oh, you can’t help that.  You might have noticed, I’m not all there myself…” and proceeds to fade away.  Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum helpfully narrate the story of the “Walrus and the Carpenter”.  The White Queen is MIA, but the Red Queen makes up for that – “who’s been painting my roses red?” she screams (“not pink! Not green! Not aquamarine!” her cardsmen say).  I tend to think of this tendency to inject adult elements into children’s films as a recent phenomenon, but I can see that as far back as “Fantasia” (1940), Disney managed to be remarkably trippy and surreal even back then, yet is still charming and innocent enough for children. 

 “Alice”.  Somewhat trippy, and very long (3 hours) this was originally a 2-night cable movie (on SyFy).  It’s got an impressive cast, including Tim Curry (Dodo, looking nothing like one), Kathy Bates (the Red Queen), Matt Frewer (the White Knight), Harry Dean Stanton (the Caterpillar, looking nothing like a caterpillar), and Colm Meaney (the King of Hearts, considerably larger and more assertive than the Disney version), who I will always think of as Miles O’Brien from Star Trek Deep Space Nine.  Catarina Scorsone, who I haven’t seen anywhere else – and a brunette (???) – plays Alice.  Unlike the other Alices, this one definitely appeals to a post-pubescent male libido; she is definitely equipped.  The plot is extremely convoluted and taxed my imagination and patience.  The Walrus and Carpenter are here – the Carpenter turning out to be Alice’s long lost father.  Sleeping people from real life are enslaved here, sucked dry in a quasi-casino for emotions, very Matrix-y.  There is a power struggle against the Red Queen, led by the Hatter (Harry-Lee Potts, fairly conventional appearance relative to Johnny Depp, bearing a strong resemblance to Jack White). And Alice is pursuing her real-life fiancé, who turns out to be the Red Queen’s son.  I don’t want to spoil it for anyone with the patience to watch it (possibly spread over two nights the way it originally was) as it’s definitely on par with the next film. 

 Johnny Depp/Tim Burton film.   This was also from Disney.  Like “Alice”, this movie doesn’t attempt to re-tell the story, so much as revisit the dreamworld with Alice slightly older, giving it somewhat more of an adult plot and story line – as with “Alice”, there is a rebellion against the Red Queen, basically meaning that Alice has to slay her monster enforcer, the Jabberwocky, and by doing so effectively disarm her of the means of subjugating the dream world, liberating everyone – well that’s the plan, at least.  Johnny Depp, heavily made up, is the Mad Hatter.  He seems to know just how far, how over-the-top, he can push the role (similar to Jack Sparrow).  Helena Bonham Carter, in big head and little body, plays the Red Queen in similar fashion to her character in “Fight Club”.  The White Queen appears here, played by Anne Hathaway, as “cute but psycho”.  Alice herself is played by Mia Wasikowska, a fairly plain and dull girl who appears to be pretending to be Daria or the super-low-key girl from “Roseanne”, Sara Gilbert.  I was not too thrilled with the caterpillar, Absolem, voiced by Alan “Hans Gruber & Severus Snape” Rickman, more serious than trippy and grotesquely realistic unlike the original cartoon version, who was still surly but at least visually appealing.  The Knave of Hearts is here: Crispin Glover, with both arms!  I wasn’t too crazy about the Cheshire Cat here, who was a more cerebral than playful.  Entertaining, well done, of course, but no better than the “Alice” miniseries and NOT a serious threat to the archetype of the Disney original, though to be honest, I didn’t get the impression that Burton intended to replace the original so much as do his own homage to it, and to that extent it certainly succeeds. 

 There is a 1933 Paramount live action movie, with Gary Cooper and Cary Grant, among other A-list stars at the time, but I’ve yet to be able to rent it on DVD.  Gardner gave it poor marks.  There is also an X-rated version, which although available for $33 on DVD, I haven’t seen – if a DVD is $8, I’ll say “what the hell” and buy it sight unseen, but for $33 I’d rather know it’s not crap.  “Bored of the Rings”, the National Lampoon parody of Lord of the Rings, was atrocious; many spoofs or parodies are clumsily bungled by lesser lights well beneath the genius of the original author/creator, so I’m not hopeful that the X-rated version does the original justice; but as I said, I haven’t seen it. 

 Music.  I’m not aware that anyone has turned Wonderland into a full-length concept album.  Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” is itself a reworking of a similar song Grace Slick wrote in her prior band, Great Society.  Much of Syd Barrett’s writing has a whimsical, child-fantasy nature to it, though the album title Piper at the Gates of Dawn is taken from Wind in the Willows, not Wonderland.  By extrapolation, Marc Bolan’s earlier T. Rex work, when his band was still named Tyrannosaurus Rex, is very Syd-influenced.  

Virginia

I’ve lived in Virginia since September 1990, and currently call it home: so it’s been almost 20 years, longer than any other single place, including Maryland and Paris.

 Before 1990.  We lived in Maryland before moving to Paris, but it was Montgomery County, which is right across the Potomac from Northern Virginia.  Thus we were familiar with Tyson’s Corner (where the mall is), Alexandria (where my uncle lives), and a trip to an apple orchard and Luray Caverns.  On home leave in 1980 and 1986 we stayed in Virginia.  Note that from Gaithersburg, Tyson’s Corner is closer than Baltimore.

 For Fall semester, first year of law school at George Mason University, in September 1990, I moved into an efficiency in Rosslyn, which is right across Key Bridge from Georgetown, DC.  In addition to growing far more experienced in Northern Virginia, after this time I finally visited southeast Virginia, Richmond, and southwest Virginia.

 Northern Virginia.   This part of Virginia borders on Maryland and DC, is extremely suburban and affluent, ad consists of Arlington, Alexandria, Falls Church, Fairfax County, Prince William County (Manassas and Woodbridge), and Loudoun County (mainly Sterling, Ashburn and Leesburg).  This is the part of Virginia I’m most familiar with and the only part I’ve actually lived in.  It’s very green, lots of trees and forests, notwithstanding the malls and urban development.  I can’t actually think of any part of Northern Virginia which could be called run down, poor, or ghetto.

 Richmond.  The capital city of Virginia, and former Confederate capital, on the other hand, has a fair amount of territory which could be called...nasty.  I’ve seen some nicer, mall-y places, but most of what I’ve seen is downtown Richmond.  I visited Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) a few times, which is in the rundown downtown part, close to where the Virginia Court of Appeals and Supreme Court are, plus the General District Court and Circuit Court just a few blocks away.  Richmond is OLD and depressing.  I have yet to take full advantage of the Civil War aspect of it, which is the most redeeming element of this place from my perspective.

 Virginia Beach.   This is down southeast Virginia on the coast, where the ports and Naval bases are, and the beaches: Tidewater, Portsmouth, Chesapeake, Suffolk and Norfolk.  My best friend from law school, John, lives in Virginia Beach and has law offices in Virginia Beach and Portsmouth.  While there are a few rundown neighborhoods, most of the area I’d qualify as “lower middle class”, the Kid Rocks and their slightly more upscale brethren.  I like this area, and I like visiting John and his family.

 Southwest Virginia.   Harrisonburg (JMU), Roanoke.  I really have very little experience in this part of Virginia, even less than Richmond.  Route 81 follows the mountains along the western border of Virginia, parallel to the border with West Virginia.  It ends in Bristol, which straddles the state line with Tennessee.  For Memorial Day weekend in 1993 my friends Phil and John road-tripped with me to Memphis, TN, where my brother was living at the time.  However, on both ends of the journey, the ride along 81 was at night.  In July 1993 John and I were in Roanoke for the Virginia Bar Exam; in July 2001 I went to Harrisonburg for a court case which I soon thereafter transferred to another attorney.  And in December 2008 I went to Massanutten for skiing.   Driving on 81 on a sunny day is actually pretty nice – when you can see and the weather is nice.  In some ways it reminds me of Germany, and also Brazil – the countryside outside of Rio de Janeiro on the way to Buzios.  But aside from James Madison University (+ Washington & Lee and Virginia Tech) and the Virginia Bar’s mandatory one-location summer bar exam exile in Roanoke, there really isn’t much of major value in this part of Virginia – certainly nothing to compel me to go there on a regular basis.

 Charlottesville.  Home of the University of Virginia.  I’ve been to Charlottesville twice – once to scope out UVa in the summer of 1984, and once to handle a child custody matter far more recently (going nowhere close to UVa itself).  Basically you drive down Route 29 from Northern Virginia for about 1.5 hours.

 Warrenton & Winchester.  Small cities nestled in the mountains, more like due northwest of DC.  Winchester has LOTS of those old early 20^th century houses which are run down, similar to northern New Jersey. 

 Founding Fathers.  George Washington (home: Mount Vernon, up near DC), Thomas Jefferson (home: Monticello, at UVa), George Mason (home: Gunston Hall), James Madison, are all from Virginia. 

 Civil War.  As I’ve mentioned dozens of times, Virginia’s biggest significance is its role in the Civil War.  Several major battles: Bull Run, Wilderness, Spotsylvania, Petersburg, and the surrender at Appomatox.  The capital, Richmond.  Robert E. Lee, commander of the Confederate Army, and the 2^nd most important Confederate general, Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson.  The Army of Northern Virginia.  And the funny thing is, I still haven’t been to a single battlefield or museum in Virginia.  It’s like living in Paris and not going to the Louvre until relatives come in from out of town, and same with DC.  I’ll get around to it... eventually. 

Weddings

“This is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  Let’s not bicker about who killed who.”

                                                Michael Palin, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”

 By now I’ve been to several of these, none of them (yet) my own. [Updated 10/25/21]

 The first one was back in 1978 or so, in upstate New York (Glens Falls) for my cousin Colleen.  The wedding was at her sister’s house, and the whole procedure was fairly quick and simple, nothing long, drawn out or elaborate, simply an exchange of vows in a legally binding ceremony in quiet, modest surroundings.  Then we all went over to the banquet lodge on the main road leading up to Lake George, across from Six Flags Great Escapes (though at that time it was Storytown USA), for the reception.  Since I was under 10 years old, I can’t remember much more than the grown-ups drinking and dancing; I was mostly bored.  Some things never change.

 Wedding #2.      My law school colleague Jim, for his first wedding, on May 20, 1995.  Jim married his first wife, Elizabeth, in Princeton, NJ (amidst the college town).  The ceremony itself was brief, inside a gothic-style Protestant church.  Then we walked down the street (nice, sunny day) to the banquet hall.  I must have stayed at the reception for at most an hour; I had to drive, so I didn’t drink anything.  I had been visiting my college buddy Ken.  He and (college buddy) Dave were at a mall meeting the Misfits and Glenn Danzig while I was at the wedding.  This is probably my quickest wedding/reception combo of all of them.

 Wedding #3.      Literally one week after Jim’s wedding, was my sister Sarah’s on May 27, 1995, at the Navy Chapel in Nebraska Ave. in DC (very close to American University).   She married her first husband Kyle.  She had the full wedding mass, so we were excused from church the next day (Sunday).  The perfect wedding!  Even the weather was clear.  I was a groomsman, so I had to wear a tux, which is not appreciably more uncomfortable than a suit and tie.  We had the reception at my parents’ house, in the back yard.  We had spent all spring breaking up the broken pool, filling it in with dirt, and laying sod over it, so it was all ready to for the reception.   There was a DJ, who played music everyone could enjoy at first, then when all the old people had gone and only young, drunk people were left, they put on the more rocking music we could dance to.  Since I could crash at the house, I got hammered, and was not feeling good the next day, however I would say that I did enjoy both the wedding and the reception and was not particularly bored at either.

 Wedding #4.      Approximately one year later (July 5, 1996), my high school friend Jean (John) married his wife Ina (German) in her hometown of Eichenbuhl, Germany, a part of northwest Bavaria close to Frankfurt.  They actually had a civil ceremony in Arizona (his last US army post before being shipped to Germany for his current post) and simply had the religious/social wedding after the fact.  The wedding took place in the Catholic church in Eichenbuhl.  The town was so small that everyone could walk to the church from the house.  Then a caravan of cars took us to a banquet hall in another town for the reception, which was all in German, so I was lost.  I didn’t drink that much.  The next day most of the other guests were hung over and miserable, but laughing about “mein hund is tod!” (my dog is dead!).  In addition to the bride’s family who were close by in Germany, Jean’s mother came in from Paris, his father, stepmother and stepsister came in from Ohio, and a few Army buddies of his and college buddies also showed up.  Jean had to repeat everything in English, French and German, fortunately being fairly fluent in all three languages.  I remember being very attracted to Ina’s sister Isabel – I even have a photo of her blowing me a kiss.  Awww.

            As a matter of fact, my high school, the American School of Paris, had its 40^th reunion in Paris in June.  I could afford to go the reunion or his wedding, but not both, as they were too far apart from each other.  I decided it was better to go to Jean’s wedding.  I got along fine with Ina (who I had met before when Jean came to the DC area to visit in April 1995), her family – especially her brother Maik, who was very cool – and most everyone else at the wedding.  On the last day, after most everyone else had gone home, Jean took myself and his relatives from the US on a tour of Wertheim, which was close by.  Overall it was a completely positive experience.

 Wedding #5.      My brother Matt was married on October 30, 1998, in Chantilly, Virginia.  The wedding was at St. Timothy’s, which is actually Matt’s normal parish.  Like my sister, he had the full wedding mass.  The reception was at a Knights of Columbus Hall in Sterling.  I was the Best Man, so I gave a speech/toast at the wedding and successfully handed Matt the ring for Danielle without losing it.  The reception was fairly brief but equally enjoyable – it did not drag on.  I had to drive one of the cars back so I couldn't drink.  This was another successful (joyous) and not boring occasion.

 Wedding #6.  My best friend Phil’s sister Kathy was married (I don’t recall the date, but it was before Phil).  She and her husband have some fixation on Celtic mythology, as all their children have strange names no one can pronounce and no one had ever heard of before.  They also insisted on getting married on April 28, which that year was on a Wednesday.  The wedding and reception were at the Laurel Brigade Inn, in downtown Leesburg, Virginia.  The wedding itself took place in the gazebo out back, the total effect being “The Shire/Middle Earth”.  Aside from the date and the surroundings, however, the wedding and reception were fairly traditional.  Having driven, I would not have drunk, but in any case my memory of this is sketchy at best – not “please shoot me” boring or fantastically fun.

 Wedding #7.      My best friend Phil was married almost exactly after my brother, on or about November 1, 1999, in Reston, VA.  Phil & Julie had their wedding & reception at the same location, a country club in Reston, which made the logistics much simpler.  The ceremony was performed by a female non-denominational minister who dragged it on 3x as long as most Catholic ceremonies.  I was the Best Man again, so I gave another speech.   I wore a tux, as did Phil and my brother, whereas two of Phil’s Scottish buddies wore their kilts.  I had to drive, so I couldn’t drink.  In this case the reception dragged on and on, and I was in that terrible position of not having anyone I brought to the wedding who I could dance with, nor anyone else of any interest either; however, they had did a live swing band.  Phil & Julie ended the affair with a “cop & robber” routine.

             Incidentally, they talk about weddings being great places to hook up, but my experience has been that 99% of the women at the weddings are (1) already married, (2) older aunts and grandmothers, (3) underage girls, or (4) the bride’s pissy sisters or friends who all hate me.  And the bouquet always seems to be caught by the youngest girl present.

 Wedding #8.      My secretary Nhu, who was married in November 2006 at the Lucky 3 Chinese restaurant in Falls Church.  Yet again, I was alone: the woman I was dating at the time, a Filipino woman due to move to Chicago permanently the following January, ominously refused to go with me, and sure enough dumped me a few weeks later.  This was the traditional Vietnamese wedding, at a large restaurant with 20 tables, 19 of which feature Vietnamese people and 1 for all the “nguoi my” (Americans) who sit around puzzled as 99% of the proceedings are in Vietnamese.  The bride and groom are, of course, the center of attention and have 3 different costumes they wear, very traditional.  Everyone is happy, lots of booze goes around, and Viets have as much fun at these things as anyone else.

 Wedding #9.      My former secretary Jenny, who was married in March 2008 at the same Lucky 3 restaurant in Falls Church.  This was virtually indistinguishable, except that Jenny had her actual wedding at her husband’s house with a Fairfax County Justice of the Peace performing the ceremony (the only other Nguoi My at the wedding).  The reception was the same elaborate affair of MC, various comedy/musical numbers, and 3 wardrobe changes for the bride and groom.  I did notice more Americans at this wedding and the MC often spoke in English, which reduced the boredom factor somewhat.  I still don’t speak Vietnamese and zone out when they “talk amongst themselves”.  

  

 Wedding #10.      My friend Jim’s second wedding, on August 1, 2010.  Jim and his second wife Natalya had their wedding at the Russian Orthodox Church in DC, at Seventeenth and Spepherd.  The ceremony was very long, part of which involved holding heavy crowns above each of their heads with our right hands.  It got so tiresome that we took turns doing so.  The church was very ornate and sophisticated, lots of icons and Cyrllic lettering, and the priest spoke in Russian, which I don’t understand more of than “da”, “nyet”, and “tovarich”, none of which are necessary in a religious ceremony.  Then we went to Maggiano’s Little Italy restaurant in DC, on Wisconsin Ave. across the street from Mazza Gallerie.  This was a more cozy affair, 3 tables, mostly Jim’s family (I imagine the bride’s family are in Russia).  This was the ONE wedding where I actually brought someone, Loni, we had been dating for awhile.  That made the whole experience a little less tiresome.

Wedding #11. [Here's the update.]  My most recent secretary, Jane, was married on Saturday, October 23 - I skipped the wedding - and had her reception on Sunday, which I attended.  Comrade Campbell, my retired colleague, was there, as was our former office manager Nancy, and another former secretary Tuan (female) with her BF.  Not too bad, but again I had no one to bring and had to drive, so I couldn't drink.  I left shortly after Campbell left, being neither entertained nor an essential part of the event.  

 Tradition.  Leaving aside the Vietnamese weddings, which follow their own traditions (fairly faithfully, so far as I can tell), most American weddings take tradition as a default and veer off from it on minor points to various degrees.  The most obvious “traditions” are: (1) bride and groom (though taking some flak in recent years); (2) bridal shower & bachelor party (these vary in raunchiness), (3) fancy tux & elaborate wedding gown for the bride & groom + tuxes (and/or kilts) for the groomsmen and horrible dresses for the bridesmaids; (4) a big, multi-layer cake, served first by the bride and groom to each other with maximum mess (why not just throw cream pies at each other and shoot seltzer water?), (5) flower girl and ring bearer, a very young girl and boy, respectively, sometimes the wedding couple’s children by prior marriages or until-now-illegitimate spawn, (6) the throwing of the bouquet to the female least likely to wed anytime soon, (7) a wedding photographer, to memorialize this in an album only the bride will ever look at again (my sister actually FORGOT her wedding album at our house when my parents moved),  (8) dancing & music at (9) a lavish reception, with (10) the bride & groom making some dramatic exit from the festivities amidst rice and some sort of vehicle festooned with “JUST MARRIED”.

 Ultimately, however, a wedding is between the bride and groom, and the traditions are simply starting points to be changed or discarded altogether as the parties (i.e. the bride and her mother) decide.  Usually the groom doesn’t care one way or another, the bride’s father winces at the vast expenses, and the bride takes full command of the affair, no matter how elaborate and difficult the overall undertaking may be, with some  help or debate from other female relatives, all of whom have strong opinions about every minor detail – and the men are all just as militantly disinterested; the groom is focused on the wedding night and the groomsmen on scoring with female wedding party members or guests, or just plain getting hammered if no poontang appears forthcoming (the bride’s father might hit the booze, as it’s already paid for anyway).  Somehow, it all comes together at the last moment and does not devolve into a cruel train wreck.  At least, that’s been MY experience.

  Bridezilla.  Despite what Hollywood would have us believe, I’ve never experienced a particularly onerous bride, although I’ve never been the groom.  Even as Best Man my duties were (A) bachelor party, and (B) handing the ring to the groom (“one ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them”).   My sister’s wedding was probably the one in which I was most involved, but my parents were very good at handling much of the details of that.  Many movies take the tack, like the first “Sex and the City” film, that it should be about the COUPLE and not merely the BRIDE; I know if I see a runaway groom at the beginning of a film involving a huge wedding, by the end of the film the bride and groom will be exchanging vows alone in front of a court clerk and just as happy – the groom that he escaped the bullshit of that damn wedding, the bride that “he didn’t get away”. 

 Nor have I seen any (1) objections raised, (2) runaway brides – or grooms, (3) deaths, (4) scandals (e.g. groom accusing bride of sleeping with the Best Man, which would have been me on two occasions, and in those cases hooking up with the bride was never a remote possibility), or any other special or memorable drama or excitement.  To the contrary, I find weddings and the receptions to be mostly dull.  I was never a big drinker, and in most cases I had to drive anyway.  As entertaining as the bride and groom attempt to make the reception for the guests, as nice and unselfish as they may be (and, most often, are) ultimately the whole thing is still about them.  Moreover, I saw the most idyllic wedding, my sister’s first wedding, ultimately result in divorce years later.  Yet my parents, who were married in San Francisco in a small civil wedding (the image I have in my head is of Paul McCartney’s wedding to Linda Eastman McCartney) – about as modest as you can get and still be legally married – remained married continuously and without interruption until my father’s death in December 2004, which also applies to the Paul-Linda marriage (!).  My brother's wedding was also fairly modest and he's still married to his wife.  I'm not seeing any positive correlation between the size and complexity of the wedding and reception, and the strength of the ensuing marriage.  If anything, a slight negative correlation.

Bachelor Parties.  I was best man at two weddings, and took care of the bachelor parties.  Apparently I'm not at liberty to discuss them, even decades later, but suffice to say that everyone involved was satisfied.  

   

 As a matter of fact, as a divorce lawyer I saw something pretty amusing – at least, amusing to me.  Until recently, the clerk’s office in Fairfax was set up so that attorneys coming down from courtrooms upstairs, with fresh divorce decrees in hand coming down to get copies made, came up to a clerk’s counter to do so which was 15 feet away from the clerk who performed marriage ceremonies.  A client could, if he or she was so inclined and had their subsequent spouse present and handy, literally walk 15 feet and remarry immediately.  Hardly surprisingly, none of them showed any interest in doing so.