Weddings

“This is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  Let’s not bicker about who killed who.”

                                                Michael Palin, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”

 By now I’ve been to several of these, none of them (yet) my own. [Updated 10/25/21]

 The first one was back in 1978 or so, in upstate New York (Glens Falls) for my cousin Colleen.  The wedding was at her sister’s house, and the whole procedure was fairly quick and simple, nothing long, drawn out or elaborate, simply an exchange of vows in a legally binding ceremony in quiet, modest surroundings.  Then we all went over to the banquet lodge on the main road leading up to Lake George, across from Six Flags Great Escapes (though at that time it was Storytown USA), for the reception.  Since I was under 10 years old, I can’t remember much more than the grown-ups drinking and dancing; I was mostly bored.  Some things never change.

 Wedding #2.      My law school colleague Jim, for his first wedding, on May 20, 1995.  Jim married his first wife, Elizabeth, in Princeton, NJ (amidst the college town).  The ceremony itself was brief, inside a gothic-style Protestant church.  Then we walked down the street (nice, sunny day) to the banquet hall.  I must have stayed at the reception for at most an hour; I had to drive, so I didn’t drink anything.  I had been visiting my college buddy Ken.  He and (college buddy) Dave were at a mall meeting the Misfits and Glenn Danzig while I was at the wedding.  This is probably my quickest wedding/reception combo of all of them.

 Wedding #3.      Literally one week after Jim’s wedding, was my sister Sarah’s on May 27, 1995, at the Navy Chapel in Nebraska Ave. in DC (very close to American University).   She married her first husband Kyle.  She had the full wedding mass, so we were excused from church the next day (Sunday).  The perfect wedding!  Even the weather was clear.  I was a groomsman, so I had to wear a tux, which is not appreciably more uncomfortable than a suit and tie.  We had the reception at my parents’ house, in the back yard.  We had spent all spring breaking up the broken pool, filling it in with dirt, and laying sod over it, so it was all ready to for the reception.   There was a DJ, who played music everyone could enjoy at first, then when all the old people had gone and only young, drunk people were left, they put on the more rocking music we could dance to.  Since I could crash at the house, I got hammered, and was not feeling good the next day, however I would say that I did enjoy both the wedding and the reception and was not particularly bored at either.

 Wedding #4.      Approximately one year later (July 5, 1996), my high school friend Jean (John) married his wife Ina (German) in her hometown of Eichenbuhl, Germany, a part of northwest Bavaria close to Frankfurt.  They actually had a civil ceremony in Arizona (his last US army post before being shipped to Germany for his current post) and simply had the religious/social wedding after the fact.  The wedding took place in the Catholic church in Eichenbuhl.  The town was so small that everyone could walk to the church from the house.  Then a caravan of cars took us to a banquet hall in another town for the reception, which was all in German, so I was lost.  I didn’t drink that much.  The next day most of the other guests were hung over and miserable, but laughing about “mein hund is tod!” (my dog is dead!).  In addition to the bride’s family who were close by in Germany, Jean’s mother came in from Paris, his father, stepmother and stepsister came in from Ohio, and a few Army buddies of his and college buddies also showed up.  Jean had to repeat everything in English, French and German, fortunately being fairly fluent in all three languages.  I remember being very attracted to Ina’s sister Isabel – I even have a photo of her blowing me a kiss.  Awww.

            As a matter of fact, my high school, the American School of Paris, had its 40^th reunion in Paris in June.  I could afford to go the reunion or his wedding, but not both, as they were too far apart from each other.  I decided it was better to go to Jean’s wedding.  I got along fine with Ina (who I had met before when Jean came to the DC area to visit in April 1995), her family – especially her brother Maik, who was very cool – and most everyone else at the wedding.  On the last day, after most everyone else had gone home, Jean took myself and his relatives from the US on a tour of Wertheim, which was close by.  Overall it was a completely positive experience.

 Wedding #5.      My brother Matt was married on October 30, 1998, in Chantilly, Virginia.  The wedding was at St. Timothy’s, which is actually Matt’s normal parish.  Like my sister, he had the full wedding mass.  The reception was at a Knights of Columbus Hall in Sterling.  I was the Best Man, so I gave a speech/toast at the wedding and successfully handed Matt the ring for Danielle without losing it.  The reception was fairly brief but equally enjoyable – it did not drag on.  I had to drive one of the cars back so I couldn't drink.  This was another successful (joyous) and not boring occasion.

 Wedding #6.  My best friend Phil’s sister Kathy was married (I don’t recall the date, but it was before Phil).  She and her husband have some fixation on Celtic mythology, as all their children have strange names no one can pronounce and no one had ever heard of before.  They also insisted on getting married on April 28, which that year was on a Wednesday.  The wedding and reception were at the Laurel Brigade Inn, in downtown Leesburg, Virginia.  The wedding itself took place in the gazebo out back, the total effect being “The Shire/Middle Earth”.  Aside from the date and the surroundings, however, the wedding and reception were fairly traditional.  Having driven, I would not have drunk, but in any case my memory of this is sketchy at best – not “please shoot me” boring or fantastically fun.

 Wedding #7.      My best friend Phil was married almost exactly after my brother, on or about November 1, 1999, in Reston, VA.  Phil & Julie had their wedding & reception at the same location, a country club in Reston, which made the logistics much simpler.  The ceremony was performed by a female non-denominational minister who dragged it on 3x as long as most Catholic ceremonies.  I was the Best Man again, so I gave another speech.   I wore a tux, as did Phil and my brother, whereas two of Phil’s Scottish buddies wore their kilts.  I had to drive, so I couldn’t drink.  In this case the reception dragged on and on, and I was in that terrible position of not having anyone I brought to the wedding who I could dance with, nor anyone else of any interest either; however, they had did a live swing band.  Phil & Julie ended the affair with a “cop & robber” routine.

             Incidentally, they talk about weddings being great places to hook up, but my experience has been that 99% of the women at the weddings are (1) already married, (2) older aunts and grandmothers, (3) underage girls, or (4) the bride’s pissy sisters or friends who all hate me.  And the bouquet always seems to be caught by the youngest girl present.

 Wedding #8.      My secretary Nhu, who was married in November 2006 at the Lucky 3 Chinese restaurant in Falls Church.  Yet again, I was alone: the woman I was dating at the time, a Filipino woman due to move to Chicago permanently the following January, ominously refused to go with me, and sure enough dumped me a few weeks later.  This was the traditional Vietnamese wedding, at a large restaurant with 20 tables, 19 of which feature Vietnamese people and 1 for all the “nguoi my” (Americans) who sit around puzzled as 99% of the proceedings are in Vietnamese.  The bride and groom are, of course, the center of attention and have 3 different costumes they wear, very traditional.  Everyone is happy, lots of booze goes around, and Viets have as much fun at these things as anyone else.

 Wedding #9.      My former secretary Jenny, who was married in March 2008 at the same Lucky 3 restaurant in Falls Church.  This was virtually indistinguishable, except that Jenny had her actual wedding at her husband’s house with a Fairfax County Justice of the Peace performing the ceremony (the only other Nguoi My at the wedding).  The reception was the same elaborate affair of MC, various comedy/musical numbers, and 3 wardrobe changes for the bride and groom.  I did notice more Americans at this wedding and the MC often spoke in English, which reduced the boredom factor somewhat.  I still don’t speak Vietnamese and zone out when they “talk amongst themselves”.  

  

 Wedding #10.      My friend Jim’s second wedding, on August 1, 2010.  Jim and his second wife Natalya had their wedding at the Russian Orthodox Church in DC, at Seventeenth and Spepherd.  The ceremony was very long, part of which involved holding heavy crowns above each of their heads with our right hands.  It got so tiresome that we took turns doing so.  The church was very ornate and sophisticated, lots of icons and Cyrllic lettering, and the priest spoke in Russian, which I don’t understand more of than “da”, “nyet”, and “tovarich”, none of which are necessary in a religious ceremony.  Then we went to Maggiano’s Little Italy restaurant in DC, on Wisconsin Ave. across the street from Mazza Gallerie.  This was a more cozy affair, 3 tables, mostly Jim’s family (I imagine the bride’s family are in Russia).  This was the ONE wedding where I actually brought someone, Loni, we had been dating for awhile.  That made the whole experience a little less tiresome.

Wedding #11. [Here's the update.]  My most recent secretary, Jane, was married on Saturday, October 23 - I skipped the wedding - and had her reception on Sunday, which I attended.  Comrade Campbell, my retired colleague, was there, as was our former office manager Nancy, and another former secretary Tuan (female) with her BF.  Not too bad, but again I had no one to bring and had to drive, so I couldn't drink.  I left shortly after Campbell left, being neither entertained nor an essential part of the event.  

 Tradition.  Leaving aside the Vietnamese weddings, which follow their own traditions (fairly faithfully, so far as I can tell), most American weddings take tradition as a default and veer off from it on minor points to various degrees.  The most obvious “traditions” are: (1) bride and groom (though taking some flak in recent years); (2) bridal shower & bachelor party (these vary in raunchiness), (3) fancy tux & elaborate wedding gown for the bride & groom + tuxes (and/or kilts) for the groomsmen and horrible dresses for the bridesmaids; (4) a big, multi-layer cake, served first by the bride and groom to each other with maximum mess (why not just throw cream pies at each other and shoot seltzer water?), (5) flower girl and ring bearer, a very young girl and boy, respectively, sometimes the wedding couple’s children by prior marriages or until-now-illegitimate spawn, (6) the throwing of the bouquet to the female least likely to wed anytime soon, (7) a wedding photographer, to memorialize this in an album only the bride will ever look at again (my sister actually FORGOT her wedding album at our house when my parents moved),  (8) dancing & music at (9) a lavish reception, with (10) the bride & groom making some dramatic exit from the festivities amidst rice and some sort of vehicle festooned with “JUST MARRIED”.

 Ultimately, however, a wedding is between the bride and groom, and the traditions are simply starting points to be changed or discarded altogether as the parties (i.e. the bride and her mother) decide.  Usually the groom doesn’t care one way or another, the bride’s father winces at the vast expenses, and the bride takes full command of the affair, no matter how elaborate and difficult the overall undertaking may be, with some  help or debate from other female relatives, all of whom have strong opinions about every minor detail – and the men are all just as militantly disinterested; the groom is focused on the wedding night and the groomsmen on scoring with female wedding party members or guests, or just plain getting hammered if no poontang appears forthcoming (the bride’s father might hit the booze, as it’s already paid for anyway).  Somehow, it all comes together at the last moment and does not devolve into a cruel train wreck.  At least, that’s been MY experience.

  Bridezilla.  Despite what Hollywood would have us believe, I’ve never experienced a particularly onerous bride, although I’ve never been the groom.  Even as Best Man my duties were (A) bachelor party, and (B) handing the ring to the groom (“one ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them”).   My sister’s wedding was probably the one in which I was most involved, but my parents were very good at handling much of the details of that.  Many movies take the tack, like the first “Sex and the City” film, that it should be about the COUPLE and not merely the BRIDE; I know if I see a runaway groom at the beginning of a film involving a huge wedding, by the end of the film the bride and groom will be exchanging vows alone in front of a court clerk and just as happy – the groom that he escaped the bullshit of that damn wedding, the bride that “he didn’t get away”. 

 Nor have I seen any (1) objections raised, (2) runaway brides – or grooms, (3) deaths, (4) scandals (e.g. groom accusing bride of sleeping with the Best Man, which would have been me on two occasions, and in those cases hooking up with the bride was never a remote possibility), or any other special or memorable drama or excitement.  To the contrary, I find weddings and the receptions to be mostly dull.  I was never a big drinker, and in most cases I had to drive anyway.  As entertaining as the bride and groom attempt to make the reception for the guests, as nice and unselfish as they may be (and, most often, are) ultimately the whole thing is still about them.  Moreover, I saw the most idyllic wedding, my sister’s first wedding, ultimately result in divorce years later.  Yet my parents, who were married in San Francisco in a small civil wedding (the image I have in my head is of Paul McCartney’s wedding to Linda Eastman McCartney) – about as modest as you can get and still be legally married – remained married continuously and without interruption until my father’s death in December 2004, which also applies to the Paul-Linda marriage (!).  My brother's wedding was also fairly modest and he's still married to his wife.  I'm not seeing any positive correlation between the size and complexity of the wedding and reception, and the strength of the ensuing marriage.  If anything, a slight negative correlation.

Bachelor Parties.  I was best man at two weddings, and took care of the bachelor parties.  Apparently I'm not at liberty to discuss them, even decades later, but suffice to say that everyone involved was satisfied.  

   

 As a matter of fact, as a divorce lawyer I saw something pretty amusing – at least, amusing to me.  Until recently, the clerk’s office in Fairfax was set up so that attorneys coming down from courtrooms upstairs, with fresh divorce decrees in hand coming down to get copies made, came up to a clerk’s counter to do so which was 15 feet away from the clerk who performed marriage ceremonies.  A client could, if he or she was so inclined and had their subsequent spouse present and handy, literally walk 15 feet and remarry immediately.  Hardly surprisingly, none of them showed any interest in doing so.