Canada Rocks

Our friends upstairs, in the Great White North, haven’t been content to give their bigger, more arrogant neighbors to the south – or their cousins across the ocean - a monopoly on good music.  While a few bark out loudest, I’ll also review the B-list.  I can’t really comment on the rest, but they’re out there.

Rush.  Easily the biggest, at least in my humble opinion.  Bassist-singer Geddy Lee’s voice takes some getting used to, but it is distinctive and not unpleasant.  Unusually for most drummers (guys who “hit things with sticks”), Neil Peart actually writes lyrics, and even wrote a few books.  However, guitarist Alex Lifeson is adamant about replicating his solos note for note, so a Rush concert is basically hearing the studio versions faithfully reproduced. 

            Arising from Toronto in 1968, they quickly shed both drummer John Rutsey (RIP) and their initial Led Zeppelin influence in 1974 with Peart’s addition, to veer off into Ayn Rand prog territory, peaking that era with a prog-rock masterpiece, 2112.  Although that album is my favorite Fly By Night, Caress of Steel, A Farewell to Kings, Hemispheres and Permanent Waves are also top quality.  While Hemispheres (side 1) can be a bit tedious and pretentious, “Trees” and “Villa Strangiato” on side 2 make this album a must-have for Rush fans.

            After 1981’s Moving Pictures, though, the band settled into a skinny tie, techno-rock mediocrity of stellar musicianship and talent with zero passion; that album was not only my introduction to the band back in the early 80s, but also the last Rush album I listen to with any regularity.  Listening to anything from Signals to Clockwork Angels is like digesting a textbook for coursework, not music to be enjoyed.  I’ve seen them in concert a few times (the first tour being the Hold Your Fire tour) and they are much more interesting live than on record, even if they never jam or improvise.  2112 got a full treatment a few years back, but Fly By Night and Caress of Steel get scant attention.  Their 60s-retro-covers album, Feedback, was enjoyable, but then they weren’t doing their own material.

Triumph.  Starting in the late 70s and continuing through the 80s before disbanding – guitarist Rik Emmett still tours and plays Triumph material, albeit in small clubs – this band is more straight up rock and roll.  As Emmett himself said, “I’m a Les Paul-though-a-Marshall kind of guy”.  Drummer Gil Moore also sang; bassist Mike Levine just played the bass, well enough.  Thunder Seven is probably their top album, with Never Surrender a close second.  Stages is a good double live album with an impressive set.  I saw them in concert, front row seats at the Patriot Center on 10/31/86 with Yngwie (who?) Malmsteen opening.  Great show! 

Max Webster.  Led by singer-guitarist Kim Mitchell, this band could be the Canadian Blue Oyster Cult: blending commercial sound with offbeat lyrics and quirky sense of humor, but just enough heavy guitar to give it some balls.  They have 5 albums: Max Webster, High Class in Borrowed Shoes, Mutiny Up My Sleeve, Million Vacations, and Universal Juveniles, of which I have the first three.  I got the first one in Ottawa back in 1991, suffering an appropriate “Hangover” the day after overindulging in 7-8 Canadian (full-strength) Labatt Blues.  They used to open for Rush, and were good friends of theirs, but disbanded in the early 80s.  Kim Mitchell continues a modest music career and radio DJ work.

The rest:  I have some familiarity with the rest, even if they can’t qualify as being as important – in my mind – as the foregoing.

Anvil.   I’d call them a NWOBHM band, except they’re Canadian.  “Lips” Ludlow is their singer/guitarist.  Their sound is standard 80s metal, more on the Judas Priest side than hair metal side.  They have a recent documentary which is Spinal Tap-esque, which makes it even more tragic because it’s all true, not just Rob Reiner’s fanciful comedic rock story.

Black Mountain.  I consider them a stoner rock band, very similar to Crippled Black Phoenix (if you know who they are).  Good, but not everyone’s can of Molson.

Jeff Healey.   A blind slide guitarist – he did a good cover of “When a Blind Man Cries” by Deep Purple.  He’s also featured in the Patrick Swayze movie, “Roadhouse”.  He died back in 2008.

Frank Marino & Mahogany Rush.  Marino is one of those Robin Trower & Uli Jon Roth guys who jam extensively with a very strong Jimi Hendrix vibe.  His concerts – I’ve seen him twice – are 2+ hours of nonstop soloing, which is good if that’s what you’re into.  His studio material seems to be an effort to expand Hendrix’s catalog beyond the three albums he did in his lifetime. 

sHeavy.  I read a guy named Toby Manning refer to Mostly Autumn as “de facto Pink Floyd cover band, even if they deny it.”  You could consider sHeavy as a de facto Black Sabbath cover band, and I’d doubt they’d take much offense to that, much less deny it.  Their original material is indistinguishable from Ozzy era Black Sabbath, and vocalist Steve Hennessey does Ozzy’s voice spot on – so much so that some people hear sHeavy and honestly believe they’re hearing some long-lost Sabbath material.  They don’t seem to tour (!!!) and I saw a live video of them in concert, half of the band looking like they have day jobs and can’t tour.  Anyhow.  If the 8 original Black Sabbath albums with Ozzy are wearing thin, and you want to hear more, by all means indulge in sHeavy.  Electric Sleep being a good start.

Voivod.  From Montreal, Voivod are Canada’s top thrash band. I have their album The Outer Limits, which has an awesome 3D design with glasses. They are talented and smart prog-thrash, and even covered Pink Floyd twice: “Astronomy Domine” and “The Nile Song”. 

Neil Young.   I could never get into Neil Young; the only album I have is Harvest.  If you can’t break out of your blues-box rut, I suppose you’re in Neil Young territory.  He’s undeniably honest and down to earth, and rocks hard enough, but his stuff is material you cite to make yourself look smart.  Kinda like Rush.

Honorable (?) mentions.   Clearly there are more than these.  Helix is a band we got on vinyl (for free) and listened to once (the same stash that got us Defenders of the Faith and Y&T); they get a mention by Ricky of “Trailer Park Boys” as the band he prefers over Rush.  Anyone who’s ever heard “Born to Be Wild” knows who Steppenwolf is.  Loverboy was an AOR band from the 80s which I never paid much attention to while they were around.  Thor?  Gives me the impression of a guy who is actually more talented than his image would imply, but I never delved into his music.  Finally, we all know and dislike Nickelback and Avril Lavigne.   I suppose we can’t be too hard on Celine Dion, but she definitely isn’t “rock”. 

Great White North.  Anyone familiar with SCTV recalls Bob & Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas), the pair of egregiously Canadian guys spouting “hoser” and “eh” to mock the CBC’s bizarre requirement for “Canadian” programming, whatever that is.  “Monday Night Curling” and “Magnum: Prince Edward Island” were other brief comedic efforts in that direction by the SCTV gang.  But the point is valid: how do make “Canadian” music?  Remarkably, with all this Canadian music, none of it gives off any particularly Canadian flavor.  Rush sing about “Trees”, but we have trees and communists here in the US.  I suppose “Toronto Tontos” could be a Canadian reference.  

Black Cherry

Gibson Les Paul.   Last January (2014) I finally got a Les Paul: in particular, a Gibson Les Paul Studio Pro, in Black Cherry Pearl.  It’s an interesting color.  Most of the time – including its pictures on Gibson’s website – it just looks black.  Depending on how the light strikes it, it’s usually black.  But bright, direct light shows a deep, dark metallic red color.  It has a rosewood fretboard with trapezoid inlays.  The headstock has a Gibson decal with the Les Paul script:  not the diamond inlay of the Custom, nor the idiotic “Les Paul 100” handwritten script the 2015 models have been blemished with.

            My immediate reaction was to replace the bridge humbucker with a 500T pickup.  For some reason I can’t fathom, Gibson no longer sells any guitar with this pickup.  They used to put it in Les Paul Classics, Explorers and Flying V’s.  No more.  It’s a good thing they still sell it, period: it’s their hottest pickup, and dropped in this LP and blazing through a tube Marshall, the sound is incredible.  It’s hotter than the EMG81s in my Explorer. 

            One thing I do find odd, though.  I haven’t been to L.A. and its Sunset Strip guitar stores since 2010, but I have visited the flagship Sam Ash and Guitar Center stores in Manhattan, which are much larger than the rest.  Moreover, they have the same “Platinum Collection” boutique section of rare and valuable used guitars which us amateur guitarists can’t afford.  But I’ve never seen a Black Cherry Les Paul like mine in any store: I had to special order it from Gibson.  Nor have I seen the Manhattan Midnight Sunburst Les Paul Traditional, which would have been my second choice (though I have seen them sold online).  Neither paint color is on the palette since 2014. 

Black Cherry Soda.  About the same time I got this guitar, I also fell in love with black cherry soda.  So far the best I’ve tasted is Canada Dry’s Black Cherry Wishniak, which is difficult to find.  Shoppers Food Warehouse carries it, but not consistently, in the two liter bottle shown above.  Rutters, a Pennsylvania version of WaWa, seems to stock it in 20 oz bottles.  

Black Cherry Beer.  A good “beer” is Mike’s Hard BlacK Cherry Lemonade.  Mind you, while this is technically a flavored beer, it tastes like black cherry soda with a kick.  If you’re in the mood for something that tastes like beer, look elsewhere.  If you’re looking for a great tasting black cherry alcoholic beverage, it’s hard to beat this one.

The Original Iron Maiden and Skid Row

Few may realize this, but Rise Above Records does:  before Steve Harris formed Iron Maiden in 1975, there was another band by the same name, right outside London.  This band, however, didn’t even manage to release an album before disbanding into almost complete oblivion in 1970.  The demigods at RAR managed to cobble together an album’s worth of unreleased material into Maiden Voyage. 

What does it sound like?  Well, nothing like the Iron Maiden we know and love, not even in 1980 format, as a New Wave of British Heavy Metal (NWOBHM) band.  This incarnation – Steve Drewett (vocals), Trevor Thorns (guitar), Barry Skeels (bass) and Paul Reynolds (drums) – sounds more like what I’d call third tier 70s jam rock – Bloodrock, Dust, Atomic Rooster, Bang, and Sir Lord Baltimore.  There’s a fair amount of extended solos.  It’s classic obscure 70s rock at its…optimal.  Earlier versions of the band opened for Jethro Tull, Fleetwood Mac (Peter Green era), King Crimson, and the Edgar Broughton Band. 

What happened?  They did record enough for an album, which was going to be called Maiden Voyage, but the record company, Gemini, went out of business before it could be finished and released.  With that, the band “disbanded, intermarried, and moved into condominiums.”  No, they just got day jobs and forgot all about it.

Somewhat less obscure – because they actually did manage to put out two albums, Skid and 34 Hours – are Gary Moore’s Skid Row, from the late 60s and early 70s Ireland.  Gary Moore we know as a solo artist and as a guitarist for Thin Lizzy, though he’s only on one studio album, Black Rose; singer/bassist Brendan “Brush” Shiels and drummer Noel Bridgeman complete the power trio.  A third album was recorded but never released, and then re-recorded with another guitarist, Paul Chapman – who later joined UFO.  Eric Bell of Thin Lizzy also joined briefly, between Moore and Chapman.  After Moore’s departure in 1971, Shiels reformed the band several times, but never quite kept it going. 

Moore and Sheils appear to disagree about what happened with the 80’s hair metal band.  Sebastian Bach claims they paid Moore $35,000 to acquire the name, but Shiels insists he never saw that money – possibly Moore simply pocketed the money without telling Shiels about it.  By that point Moore was an established solo artist, whereas Shiels was still trying to keep it going without much success.  Certainly, even the Gary Moore incarnation, despite two albums and support tours, never came close to the New Jersey band’s success. 

This Skid Row, of course, sounds nothing like the Sebastian Bach-led hair metal band of the late 80’s.   Like (the original) Iron Maiden, it’s lots of extended soloing from Gary Moore and howling vocals from Shiels.  In fact, Phil Lynott was in the band at early stages, before they started officially recording; some 1968 Skid Row demo tapes have Lynott’s vocals, which would be his earliest recordings.  Like (the original) Iron Maiden, this Skid Row opened for Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac in 1970 – so there’s even common ground.  And go figure, Moore passed away but Peter Green is still alive.   

Starsky & Hutch

TV Series.  This originally ran from April 1975 (Season 1) to May 1979 (Season 4), on the ABC Network.  By season 4 the series had “jumped the shark” and run out of steam and ratings.  I’m old enough to remember seeing it on TV when it originally aired, but only vaguely, and as a late night cop drama most of the plots would have – and did – go over my head.  As a <10 year old kid in the US, my impression would have been – and was – “two cool cops driving a cool car”. 

Disclosure: I just finished watching Season 1; I’m not sure if I’ll watch the remaining 3 seasons, although they are out on DVD.   My observations are based on Season 1.   Unlike “Baretta”, however, not only is “S&H” filmed in L.A., it’s actually set in L.A. as well, which at least is honest. 

David Starsky (Paul Michael Glaser).   The guy with dark hair, Fonz-style leather jacket, and Adidas sneakers.  If Starsky sounds like he’s from New York, it’s because he is from New York (although Glaser himself is not).  He’s pretty cool.

Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson (David Soul).  The blonde guy who often wears letter jackets, minus a letter or school name.  Supposedly relocated from Minnesota – so neither cop is an L.A. native.  He’s also pretty cool.  In fact, they’re both cool. 

The two have a warm, friendly comraderie and an easy coolness.  In fact, they’re much more hip and cool than Webb and Friday (“Dragnet”), who were plainclothes police detectives, or Reed and Malloy (“Adam 12”), who were uniformed patrolmen.  They don’t set off my GAYDAR, however, others’ observations to that effect notwithstanding.  The real-life cop they remind me of is Serpico:  non-corrupt, conscientious, but able to see the forest for the trees and not stick in the mud authoritarian types like Webb & Friday or Reed & Malloy.  I didn’t see them smoke pot or drink heavily, but their home lifestyles were fairly laid back.  I would argue that Riggs & Murtaugh (Gibson & Glover in “Lethal Weapon”) took their template from this duo.   So in a real sense, “Starsky & Hutch” set the standard for the modern American cop buddy team. 

Ford Gran Torino.   This was Starsky’s car (Hutch drove a full-size Galaxy which had seen better days): a mid-70s Ford Gran Torino coupe, bright red with a white Nike stripe and aftermarket wheels.  The engine isn’t mentioned (at least not in Season 1), which means it could be anything from a 302 to a 460; in actual fact, the Season 1 car had a 400, while the subsequent season cars had 460s. It doesn’t have a rough idle, but the exhaust bark is noticeable - overdubbed, as the car itself wasn't modified.  The car is as much a star of the show as the characters:  plenty of chases, high speed driving, drifting, etc.  Although I’m not a Ford guy, I can appreciate the coolness factor here.

            According to Wikipedia, Glaser never liked the car, for several reasons.  First, it was big and ugly; second, it was gaudy and ostentatious: why would undercover cops drive such a distinctive and noticeable vehicle?  Third: he never liked Fords.  To this day he still hates the car but accepts its role in the show’s popularity and charm.  Glaser called the car a “striped tomato” – not as a compliment - and on the show Hutch referred to it as such. Contrast this with Burt Reynolds, who kept the Bandit T/A and drove it as a personal car after the movies were over. 

Guns.  Starsky carried a Colt 1911 .45 automatic, while Hutch preferred a .357 Magnum revolver:  Riggs (Beretta 92) and Murtaugh (revolver) again!

Chief Doby (Bernie Hamilton).  Their gruff, overweight, colored police chief who tolerates them even if he chews them out consistently.  They frequently kid him about his weight and his ineffective dieting.

Huggy Bear (Antonio Fargas).  The local sleezy bar owner (NOT a drug kingpin) who invariably seems to provide the duo with relevant information on the criminal activities they’re investigating.  Sometimes he has a “scheme” going which is quasi-illegal, but mostly his role is to be JUST sleazy enough to be a useful and plausible informant without being an outright criminal.  Moreover, he remains likeable – so we don’t think of Starsky and Hutch as corrupt. 

Guest stars.  Here’s another benefit of watching 70’s TV shows:  seeing actors who made it big later.  In Season 1, at least, we get: Suzanne Sommers (Savage Sunday, Episode 1), Robert Loggia & Geoffrey Lewis (The Fix, Episode 5), Marc Alaimo (The Bait, Episode 9), Gordon Jump (The Deadly Impostor, Episode 13), Norman Fell (The Shootout, Episode 14), Kristy McNichol and John Ritter [that makes Three’s Company) (Hostages, Episode 15), Steve Kanaly (from Dallas) and Jason Bernard (the judge in “Liar, Liar”) (Silence, Episode 18); and Jan Smithers (Running, Episode 20).

Movie (2004).   I had seen this when it came out in the theaters, with only my sketchy childhood memories to act as a baseline.  I saw this again after seeing Season 1.  Bottom line? A major stinker.  The original show was a drama with some light comedy – usually at the end of the episode when the bad guy was locked up or dead, so the pair could relax.  This was an outright comedy.  Ben Stiller played Starsky as an incompetent law & order dweeb, while Owen Wilson made Hutch into the same laid back surfer dude he makes ALL his characters, regardless of the role or movie.  Glaser and Soul had a definite onscreen chemistry, and their characters weren’t dramatically polar opposites.  I don’t have a general issue with Snoop Dogg, and I can see why he was cast as Huggy Bear, but he turned the character into a local druglord with armed bodyguards, which was well beyond merely being the useful informant his character is supposed to be. 

            About the only actor who played his character straight was Fred Williamson (aka Shaft) as Chief Doby.  I can’t fault Vince Vaughn or Jason Bateman as the villains: they did their jobs appropriately.  The Gran Torino gets a good amount of airtime and action.  Will Ferrell injects his inimitable weirdness and almost salvages this.  But by the end I was ecstatic to see Glaser and Soul in a brief cameo.   

Colour Haze

I subscribe to Classic Rock magazine, and sometimes buy the PROG version of the same.  Each issue comes with a free CD sampler of music.  Unfortunately, most of the music turns out to be “Best new bands” that invariably sound almost exactly like established bands.  In other words, the new bands haven’t yet outgrown their influences.  So listening to the sampler becomes a tedious affair of “which band are they ripping off”?  The Classic Rock team loves giving us incessant clones of Guns N’Roses and the Rolling Stones, while PROG gives us more Yes copycats.  With regard to prog it’s even more egregious:  how are you “prog” if you’re simply copying Pink Floyd, Yes, King Crimson, etc. without adding anything new of your own?  They’re practically de facto tribute bands.  Anyhow.

In this case, the band Colour Haze from Munich, Germany, I had the opposite problem.  They have enough of a unique sound that trying to figure out who they sound like was a real challenge. 

The label “stoner rock” definitely applies, and some may consider them Germany’s premier stoner rock band.  They have 11 studio albums from 1995 (Chopping Machine) to 2014 (To The Highest Gods We Know), and a live album from 2009 (Burg Herzberg Festival).  The current lineup is Stefan Koglek (guitar, vocals), Philipp Rasthofer (bass), and Manfred Merwald (drums). 

I do hear Orange Goblin, Grateful Dead, and Blue Cheer – but by that I mean Blue Cheer (self-titled fourth album) and The Original Human Being.  Often there’s a fairly clean guitar tone, but unlike Jerry Garcia, Koglek knows what distortion is, and although they jam heavily, there are plenty of modest-length songs, so I’ve yet to get bored by them.  Much of their music has an airy, drone-like quality, though not as slow, sludgy or doomy as Sleep or Electric Wizard.  They seem to like single-word song titles.  On ALL, which at this point is my favorite (although I still don’t have all their albums), the song titles almost seem to form a sentence.  It’s reached the point where I prefer them to Kyuss, a band the stoner rock crowd seems to consider the best. 

For now they only seem to tour Europe – the same deal as Hawkwind and the other German psychedelic bands.  If they come to the US I’ll happily go.  In the meantime, I have five albums left to acquire and digest before they find their way here.  

The Prisoner

“We want INFORMATION….INFORMATION....INFORMATION”

#6: “Who are you?”

#2: “The new #2.”

#6: “Who is #1?”

#2: “You are #6.”

#6: “I am not a number!  I am a FREE MAN!”

#2: {Laughs maniacally…]

Intro to “The Prisoner”, from Number of the Beast, by Iron Maiden

I finally watched all 17 episodes of this 1967 British TV show, featuring the late Patrick McGoohan in the title role.   As was so often the case – e.g. 79 episodes of Star Trek: the Original Series – I had scarce patience for such cerebral fare in the past.  I had heard the Iron Maiden song dozens of times, and even seen a few episodes of the show, including the quasi-comedic “The Girl Who Was Death”, which my friend Dave had shown me ages ago.

Premise.  A highly placed intelligence officer, known to us only as #6, abruptly decides to resign from an un-named intelligence agency.  Since it’s based in London, we can assume it’s MI6.  As he packs up his things in his London apartment, gas surrounds him, he’s abducted, and the next thing he knows he’s in a mysterious little village (where?), identified as #6.  All the other villagers are either fellow former spies (of whom he recognizes very few) or agents of the Agency posing as fellow prisoners to gain his confidence and eke out his secrets.  Everyone, even the top guy (#2 - who is #1?), simply has a number and no one is ever referred to by name.

In particular, the #1 secret the Agency tries to elicit from him – and which he consistently refuses to reveal – is simply his reasons for resigning.  Every episode a different #2 – the administrator of the village – attempts (unsuccessfully) to get him to reveal the secret.  Naturally each attempt fails and the #2 is replaced by another one, who tries something different (those damn invincible Gauls!).  It’s not even clear that the Village is necessarily in England or run by MI6.  In one episode it’s suggested the village may be on the Baltic Sea coast of Poland.  And #1’s identity is not revealed until “Fall Out”, the final episode, which likewise gives us some clue where the village is. 

Incidentally, the Village does in fact exist and survives to this day: Portmeirion Village, in North Wales.   If a 17 episode TV series from the 1960s is sufficient motivation, by all means visit.  Put that and Cross Plains, Texas, on your bucket list.   

For his part, in addition to refusing to reveal his reason for resigning, #6 makes constant efforts to escape.  However, the village is protected by mysterious white bouncing balloons.  Naturally he’s consistently unsuccessful but like Cool Hand Luke, never gives up.  As he says more than once: "I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, de-briefed, or numbered. My life is my own."

Although he’s given a nice little house to live in, and the village is pleasant enough (if a bit quaint and boring) he’s under constant video surveillance.  Moreover, the men in lab coats frequently dose him with drugs and experiment on him – and of course, none of these work either.  Sometimes it seems like the Agency is using the village and the prisoners as small-scale guinea pigs for mind control experiments intended for mass deployment should they prove useful in the village.  But the village population has almost complete turnover, with #6 being about the only permanent resident. 

What is most remarkable about the show is its consistent anti-totalitarian theme.  Of course it’s easy to criticize Stalinist Russia or Nazi Germany, but here we’re talking about efforts by a “free democracy” to subjugate its citizens, naturally as subtly and unobtrusively as possible.   Even though #6’s quarters are nice and comfy, and the village takes care of him, he still resents being a prisoner in a gilded cage.  And he refuses to cooperate; his defiance is unrelenting and strident.  Ultimately you’ll see how that works for him, if you have the patience to watch all 17 episodes.  The final episode, “Fall Out”, in fact wraps up the series.

Formats.  As noted above, we were exposed via the Iron Maiden song.  When the band solicited then-living Patrick McGoohan’s permission, the actor was happy to consent.  Frank Herbert, the author of Dune, was considerably less cooperative and refused (so they called their Dune-inspired song “To Tame a Land”). 

What I saw was an A&E Collection in Blu-Ray from Netflix.  It cleans up very nicely in Blu-Ray, but unfortunately the set is $200.00 on eBay.  Oh well.  

Finally, they remade the show in 2009; that one has 6 episodes and features Jesus Caviezel as #6 and Ian McGandalf as #2.  "The Village" is out in the desert, not the UK seaside.  #6 now has love interests: Ruth Wilson (the Lone Ranger's sister-in-law) and Hayley Atwell (the hottie from "Captain America" and "Agent Carter"). #2 never changes (unlike the original).  It's just as cerebral - which means often a confusing mindf**k.  However, 40% consists of confusing flashbacks to #6's prior life in NYC, and the events leading up to his resignation, which are supposed to give some hint as to why he's in the Village.  I found it a worthy effort by people who know, love, and understand the 60s show, but ultimately unlikely to surpass the original.  

Clearly in this age of the Patriot Act, NSA spying, Edward Snowden, et al, surely a series such as this one is more relevant than ever.  Enjoy. 

John Carter and the Lone Ranger

Recently I watched the more recent “Lone Ranger” film with Johnny Depp as Tonto and Armie Hammer as the title character.   It’s another CGI orgy with Depp essentially turning Jack Sparrow into an American Indian.  Enjoyable…to an extent.

Ages back I caught “John Carter” in the movie theater and then watched it on Blu-Ray.  Like “Lone Ranger” it was heavy on CGI, but had a fairly decent story and no awkward Depps lightening the mood.  Taylor Kitsch played the title character, Lynn Collins played his love interest Dejah Thoris [they played together in an earlier X-Men film], and Mark Strong – who always seems like Steve Carell’s bad-ass evil older brother – as the quasi villain. 

Both were financial failures as movies.  “John Carter” (2012) totaled out at $350 million production and marketing, yet only grossed $284 million worldwide.  “Lone Ranger” (2013) combined production and marketing was $375 million yet only grossed $260 million worldwide. 

Another big similarity is both had archaic source material.  “John Carter” was based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter trilogy from 1913.  ERB, not to be confused with Naked Lunch writer William S. Burroughs, is much more famous for Tarzan, which remains a popular franchise.  His John Carter character is mainly known among sci-fi fans, as Carter is arguably the template for Conan and all other swords & sorcery heroes we’ve had since.  Robert Heinlein was a huge fan of ERB and even wrote a book, Number of the Beast, in tribute to ERB.  James Cameron also cites John Carter as an influence for his big film Avatar.  But since 1913, there had been only one film adaptation, in 2009, which was not great:  it was direct-to-DVD and pretty much tanked.  In any case, I reviewed both the source material and the 2009 film in my prior blog, dated 4/30/10.

The Lone Ranger was significantly more successful prior to the 2013 film.  The 1933-54 radio show was very popular, followed by the similarly popular 1949-57 TV show.  Although many actors have portrayed the Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore is most popularly associated with the role.  The theme song, better known as the William Tell Overture, is well known, as is the Ranger’s famous catchphrase, “Hi Ho Silver” (which even figures in some Frank Zappa shows). 

Ok.  But look at the films:  110 octane CGI orgies of 1080p eye candy.   In Dejah Thoris’ case, serious eye candy.  Most of the people know who of John Carter or the Lone Ranger are old folks who don’t care much for that type of film.  You won’t get that demographic into the theaters to see these films, or even to watch them on DVD at home.  “Matlock is on!’ 

Clearly Granpa wasn’t the desired demographic.  What about his XBOX/PS4 playing grandkid?  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  He’s the one you thought would shell out $15 at the megaplex to see them in 3D IMAX.  But with no familiarity with the source material – and no reason to care – he stayed at home playing XBOX or PS4.  So the movies tanked.

The studios must have thought:  hey, this is easy.  We have ready-made stories here!  John Carter and Lone Ranger were written ages ago.  We just need to tweak a screenplay a little and we’re home free!  No original thinking necessary!  It’s like printing money!  WRONG. 

The sad part is, neither film actually sucks.  Of the two, “Lone Ranger” is less reverential.   We get Reid’s backstory – a naïve prosecutor who doesn’t believe in guns – but the film is told from Tonto’s point of view, and Depp can’t resist giving him, as noted above, the full Jack Sparrow treatment.  “Carter” was more straightforward.  It’s vast, epic, and again, did I mention Dejah Thoris?  Yeah.  For my sci-fi readers out there, by all means check out the original source material.