Riding the bomb

The classic ending of "Dr Strangelove" - even featuring James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader (das tut mir leid - es ist in deutsch!!). See for yourself.

Who Needs A Hummer When You Can Have A...

Time for some more lighthearted stuff I try to pass off as “humor”.


I suppose the original Jeep, and subsequent VW “Thing” – better known to WWII enthusiasts as the Kubelwagen – should have provided enough precedent for the civilian Hummer. But why stop there? We’re missing the golden opportunity to expand to civilian versions of all sorts of fun and exciting military hardware.

Each branch has its own catalog of cool stuff for everyone - and it’s as close as your local PX.


Army. Take out the massive 120 mm Rheinmetall main armament and its coaxial .50 cal and 7.62mm machine guns, but leave in the heavy duty depleted uranium armor, and you have the ultimate SUV: the civilian M1-Abrams main battle tank. Truly an all-terrain vehicle and impervious to car crashes – or at least, being the victim of one….Can’t be too safe! Of course, if you consider a politically incorrect gas hog like a Hummer a status symbol, you’ll love the Abrams. Its 1500 HP gas turbine engine gets a gallon per mile, consumes 10 gallons just to start up, and sucks 12 gallons per hour when idle. It will run on diesel, gasoline, jet fuel, or kerosene. The top speed is 45 mph on roads and 30 mph cross country. Forget olive drab or cammo, you can order it in any color you want – even pink! Even blast a Gulf War or OIF soundtrack from the killer mil-spec stereo system. “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor…” [Seriously, there is a firm which sells WWII Russian T-34/85s…if you can only find somewhere to actually drive it.] Come on down!


Navy. Civilian subs, PT boats, destroyers, cruisers, even battleships! How about a civilian aircraft carrier? Jimmy Buffett, eat your heart out! Fits 100 planes, with a slip at Pearl Harbor, San Diego, or Norfolk. Only $4.5 billion for the Nimitz class, and they’ll throw in the uranium for free – oops, “if you have to ask how much it is, you can’t afford it.” Optional: civilian F14s and F18s, and for the Vietnam war enthusiasts, civilian F4 Phantoms. We still have some Hellcats, Dauntlesses or even – Baa Baa Black Sheep! – a Corsair! But wait, that’s not all! The Japanese want in on this lucrative market, so Mitsubishi is reissuing its Zero in civilian format. Lightly armored, but very fast – with a GPS system a Kamikaze could only dream of! No reasonable offers refused!


Air Force. You want it, we got it! Your pick: F15…F16…or perhaps something more old school? A Sopwith Camel? Albatross (red, black, or purple – the Flying Circus edition)? Spad? Nieuport? Fokker Triplane? (Spandaus non-functional, of course) Or how about a WWII flavor: Mustang? Spitfire? Stuka? Folke-Wulf? Messerschmidt – and our special Blue Oyster Cult ME262 (complete with Junkers Jumo 004s). Have a family? Don’t worry, have we got something for you! Take the whole gang on trips in your B17, B24, or the Enola Gay B29. “It’s the BOMB!” For the Jane Fonda set, we can put you in a MiG-15, a MiG-21 (HO HO HO Chi Minh!) or a more modern MiG-29. And don’t miss our “Dr Strangelove” edition B-52 – sorry, strategic nuclear weapons NOT included. If you act now, we’ll throw in flying lessons at NO EXTRA CHARGE!


HUNTERS please take note: the fully armed military versions are still available (extra cost, of course). Experience the thrill of hunting in a bright orange tank! Shooting down cape buffalo in your F16! Fishing with the main armament on your very own destroyer! Duck hunting with an AA gun, or better yet, a surface-to-air missile! And of course, hunting mosquitos with a bazooka! It’s like shooting fish in a barrel – quite literally! The possibilities are endless!

State Of The Motherland w/ Bob Barr and Borat

Our beloved Libertarian candidate (at least, for 2008) had a charming cameo in the "Borat" movie, in which he samples Borat's unique cheese. Enjoy.

Injustice 2008

I’m watching the poll numbers – but ignoring the debates – and seeing Obama’s numbers rise and McCain’s fall.  No one seems to be paying any attention to Bob Barr except as a novelty item in the Style Section, not the A (News) section.  I see “Saturday Night Live” crucify McCain as some sort of senile idiot, while Obama is some man of pure reason and ethics.  Yet I see plenty of McCain stickers in my neighborhood, which should be solidly Obama territory.

My buddy Dave hit the nail square on the head.  The Republican Party is beholden to what he refers to as the Bush Crime Family (BCF).  In 1988, with Ronald Reagan’s second term ending, the field was wide open for GOP candidates.  Among them was Bob Dole, who had served in the trenches as senator from Kansas and was even Ford’s running mate in 1976.  But the powers that be in the GOP, the party machine, decided to give the nomination to George Herbert Walker Bush (Bush I).  Eight years later, in 1996, with Bush I no longer an appropriate candidate, they threw the bone to Dole and let him run against the immensely popular Bill Clinton – with predictable results.

And history repeated itself.  In 2000, the GOP had a very capable – and electable – candidate in John McCain.  Indeed, the Democrats were worried McCain would win the nomination, because they knew he would crush Gore.  There would have been no goatfuck in Florida, it wouldn’t have been close.  And who knows what McCain might have done on 9/11 and after?  Probably something much better than Bush II.

So now it’s 2008, and the GOP threw the bone to McCain, putting him up against the immensely popular Barack Obama, 8 years after his own popularity had peaked.  He is not the same man now as he was in 2000.  And I can see he is going to lose, big time.  He does not deserve this.  The GOP has used and abused McCain, and spit him out.

On a darker note, several other things are clear:

1.         The GOP has its own best interests at heart, not those of even its rank and file members, those of the soldiers, or those of the country at large.  Our soldiers are simply pawns in a chessboard to be used and thrown away.

2.         The GOP shamelessly exploits the sincere patriotism of all the Americans who support it out of a misguided belief that the party represents traditional American, capitalist values.  It doesn’t.  It represents the corporatist, even quasi-fascist values of corrupt big business, companies asking for subsidies and handouts and not expecting to compete fairly in the marketplace.

At this point, I need to make something “perfectly clear”.  The Democrats are NOT the answer.

1.         If the Republicans are slammed for appealing to “fear”, the Democrats appeal another base emotion: greed.  Vote for us, they claim, and we’ll take from everyone richer than you and give to you.

2.         Yet look at the facts: many of the same big corporations who donate to the GOP, also donate to the Democrats, covering their butts either way.  Maybe the GOP is in bed with Big Business, but so are the Democrats (it’s a very big bed).  Too many politicians on both sides owe too much influence to the same interests which plague the other.

3.         The Democrats claim to be looking out for the middle and lower classes, but do very little to assist these groups – it’s all just smoke & mirrors to attract votes.  When I hear yet another “populist” politician like Obama talk about sticking up for the little guy, I have to laugh.  Haven’t we heard this before??  Lies, lies, and more lies.  The Republicans have no monopoly on deceit.

 With Barack Obama we have at best another politician who will tell us what we want to hear; at worst we have a socialist who really does intend to take from the rich and give to the poor (and we saw how well Comrade Lenin did that).  The Democratic Party machine represents its own interests and those of a minority of its own special interest groups such as unions and teachers.  We won’t get any improvement in education, for example, despite the Democrats’ claims that THEY support education and that it’s “their” issue, because the Democrats insist on supporting a corrupt and ineffective public school system and oppose vouchers – and these same Democratic politicians send their OWN children to private schools!  Likewise, the Democrats continue the war on drugs, and they oppose 2^nd Amendment rights, among other unacceptable positions.  Why are our two choices fascism and socialism?  Why not capitalism? The system will not change so long as pro-capitalist Americans identify with the Republicans out of fear of the socialist Democrats, or the lower classes mistakenly vote Democrat due to some misguided belief that the Dems are looking out for their interests and not their own.  We need a third party.  Now.

This is why I support the Libertarian Party.  It is the closest we have to a Capitalist Party.  Yes, I know it “has no chance”.  Bob Barr is not an ideal candidate - he’s somewhat of an asshole, and wasn’t particularly popular even when he was in Congress.  And the geniuses running the party refuse to pick celebrity candidates – to the extent there are any who want to run on their ticket – out of some misguided fear of being labeled wacky and not taken seriously, so they pick complete nobodies and lack the resources to compete effectively against the major parties.  The party screwed up big time by shunning Jesse Ventura, who could have been the first Libertarian governor.  But I will support it anyway, and vote Libertarian across the board, in every election.  We have to fight, each time, every time, until we have a Libertarian congress and President.  Maybe not in my lifetime, but who knows.  

Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986)

Just a small sample of the extremely articulate and well-mannered crowd members at the Judas Priest concert in 1986 at the Cap Center in Maryland. Check out the Glen Burnie chick who proudly claims she'd jump Rob Halford's bones (but would he jump hers?). By all means, purchase the full 15 minute video, now on DVD!

Concert Venues - DC/Baltimore

The concert scene in the DC, Virginia, Maryland (Baltimore) area is actually pretty good, with a variety of venues to cover the range of bands and audiences. Now that I’m older and have to get up early for work, I have less patience for the venues up in Baltimore, especially since I’m either going alone, or the only one who knows how to get there; this means I can’t drink, and I really hate driving home drowsy when I’m falling asleep leaving the club, much less trying to drive an hour back to Virginia in such a state. But I still go to as many concerts as I can. The clubs are better as they are closer, cheaper, and you can always see the band up close. At Jaxx you might even be able to meet the band after.

MARYLAND

Side Bar Tavern [2 shows]. A very small dive (without even a backstage) on Lexington Street in the downtown financial district of Baltimore, a few blocks from the Baltimore City Circuit Court. If you saw “Die Hard 4”, you probably saw the block this club is located on. I saw Orange Goblin and Atomic Bitchwax here a few years ago, but haven’t noticed any major acts playing there recently.

Otto Bar [2 shows]. This is a small dive in the rundown north part of Baltimore, but right on Charles Street (so it’s easy to get to); it’s a bit bigger than the Side Bar. I saw Fu Manchu and Atomic Bitchwax here. As with the Side Bar, I haven’t noticed any major acts playing here recently.

Ram’s Head On Stage [2 shows]. In Annapolis, on a trendy little street, with “sit here and eat” reserved seating perfect for those of us older fans who hate standing all night – although it is pretty small. You can order dinner and a beer from the Fordham brewery located next door. Incidentally, Annapolis is only about 20 minutes east of the DC Beltway, so the drive is not nearly as bad as it is for the Ram’s Head Live.

Ram’s Head Live [5 shows]. This is in downtown Baltimore near the Power Plant and the newly redone party district; it’s fairly new and has only been around for a few years. Baltimore Ave., which leads up to it, is Baltimore’s red light district. The place is fairly large, with 3 levels and a small seating area. They also have a restaurant with plasma TV displays of the stage, so you can watch from there while you chow down a burger. This place gets nationally known acts such as Tesla, The Mars Volta, Ted Nugent, Queens of the Stone Age (Josh Homme was impressed with the club), etc. I agree - I just hate the drive.

Hammerjacks [2 shows]. This famous Baltimore club closed in 2006. Up to that point it was supposedly the premier rock club on the East Coast. At UMCP I’d see the stickers plastered everywhere. We saw two concerts there, but due to heavy construction in that neighborhood (around what is now M&T Bank Stadium, home of the Ravens, and Camden Yards, home of the Orioles) we could never get there the same way twice. It was pretty much like the Ram’s Head Live is now.

Recher Theater [1 show]. Up in Towson, immediately north of Baltimore, within its beltway, and moderately sized – one large common ballroom with no levels. I’ve only seen one concert there, Tesla in 2004. This is a nasty drive from the DC area, as you have to go up around Baltimore on its Beltway (695) for another half hour after leaving 95. Not a bad place, and downtown Towson is fine – pretty close to the Baltimore County Circuit Court building. Just a hateful ride.

Richie Coliseum [3 shows]. This is the University of Maryland’s 40’s era gymnasium before Cole Field House was built. Not only did we catch Megadeth here in 1985, but I also saw the Black Sabbath “Cross Purposes” show here in 1994 (Tony Martin on vocals) – and they played “Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath”, “Into the Void”, “The Wizard”, and the FULL “Symptom of the Universe”. Thanks to Ken for the heads up on that one. The place is very small and has concrete seat bleachers, very old fashioned. Most high school gym auditoriums are bigger than this (I know mine was).

Paragon. Closed. This was the club in College Park where we used to see Honor Among Thieves, now known as SR-71. We didn’t see any nationally known acts there, though every now and then such a band was rumored to play there. We’d typically party in the bar downstairs, the Cellar, fairly often.

Mike’s 8^th Ave [1 show]. This is up close to Baltimore-Washington Airport (BWI). This is another “ballroom” type venue, with a stage and a large standing room area with absolutely no seats. I saw Danzig here, with Type O Negative opening, and half the crowd was moshing. This was the first show where I just kind of rolled with the punches and ignored the moshing and didn’t let it annoy me.

Baltimore Arena/First Mariner Arena [5 shows]. Somewhat smaller (14,000 capacity) than the Cap Center (mentioned below) and reopened, located in downtown Baltimore – much older, though, put up in 1962 and still standing. If the band couldn’t sell out the Cap Center they would play here. I saw Iron Maiden here on the Somewhere in Time tour in 1987, and most recently saw a killer Tool show last summer. The Beatles and Led Zeppelin both played there (shows that I, unfortunately, missed).

Merriweather Post Pavilion [6 shows]. This is the Maryland equivalent of the Nissan Paviliion – a large, semi-covered amphitheater - but it’s been around much longer (1967), with a capacity of 16,500. My friend Ken’s parents saw Wishbone Ash play here on the Wishbone 4 tour in 1973. It’s right across 175 from Columbia Mall, so you can park in the mall parking lot and get out of there fairly quickly, and catch a reasonably priced dinner at the mall’s food court before the show. Ken still bitches that the parking is included in the ticket price, as we have NEVER used their parking lot – I don’t even know where it is. The surrounding (non stage) areas where the t-shirt concessions are, etc. are kind of rough, muddy, and foresty, very natural, unlike Nissan Pavilion where it’s all concrete and new.

Capital Centre [18 shows]. Best known as the Cap Center, though briefly renamed the USAir Arena. It closed in 1997, and was demolished in 2002. Its capacity was just under 19,000. It went up in 1973, so many of the 70s rock bands played there, including Deep Purple on the Burn tour. Its parking lot is featured in “Heavy Metal Parking Lot” (as mentioned in my Judas Priest blog). This place had the unique shape of a Pringles chip, a circular roof which scooped down dramatically in the middle. If you were going to see a heavy metal band, e.g. Ozzy Osbourne, Metallica, Iron Maiden, KISS, Rush, Judas Priest, AC/DC, etc. at the peak of the metal era, THIS is probably where you went to see them. Back when we lived in the US (before 1979) a friend of ours took us to see one of these IceCapades things for a birthday party, and we were up in the sky box – a real treat. One of our youth league coaches also brought us there to see the Capitals play the Rockies (NHL) in 1978.

DC

9:30 Club [4 shows at the old one, 5 at the new one]. Formerly at 930 F Street, thus the name, in downtown DC (very close to the FBI Building). At that location we saw Faith No More (“the Real Thing” tour in 1989) and even got Jim Martin and Mike Bordin to sign my CD insert; Type O Negative; and Hawkwind – both the real band and Nik Turner’s version. This location was small – probably the smallest, most claustrophobic club I’d ever been in. Eventually they moved to their current location at 9^th and V Street, a somewhat rougher part of town, but a much bigger place, with two levels. According to their own horn they toot, this place is the CBGB’s of DC and now of the East Coast now that the NY venue is gone. It certainly gets internationally known acts. I’ve seen QOTSA there three times, plus Ratdog, Dark Star Orchestra, Fu Manchu, and Monster Magnet. I have no idea if the Ramones have ever played there.

Bayou [4 shows]. Closed. This was under the Whitehurst Freeway on K Street, and was about the same size as the current 9:30 Club. It was within walking distance of my place in Rosslyn, and the site of the Motorhead show during the blizzard of 1996.

Black Cat [4 shows]. On 14^th Street, fairly easy to get to if you can remember exactly what block it’s on (just north of S Street). It actually has a large upstairs and a small “backstage”, which I learned after seeing Blue Cheer, Nebula and Fu Manchu upstairs and …Nebula again, “backstage”. They have Woodchuck on tap! Woohoo!

DC9/Capital Ballroom [1 show]. Off in a bad part of town, but fortunately it’s two blocks from the Metro so you’re fine. It’s fairly large inside (must have been a warehouse or something, especially given the moving company warehouses in the neighborhood) so it’s not so bad. I recall seeing Ozzy here on the tour for Ozzmosis, when he started that business of playing humorous videos on the screen before starting the show.

DAR Constitution Hall [2 shows]. This is right on Constitution Avenue and has a real 1920s feel to it. You can imagine the Republicans or Democrats having their conventions here back in the 1920s. And to juxtapose this, we saw Black Sabbath (Dehumanizer tour) and Jethro Tull (recent Aqualung live tour) here.

Bender Arena, American University [1 show]. This is like a large college basketball arena. I saw exactly one show here: Soundgarden, on the Superunknown tour in 1994. Even Chris Cornell made some weird remark about the name of the place.

Warner Theater [1 show]. Now it’s mostly for upscale comedy shows (Defending the Caveman, Bill Maher, etc.) but they used to show metal concerts – Twisted Sister (???) and Great White. This is one of these old turn of the century type theaters with big curtains on the stage and plush seats.

Verizon Center [1 show]. Formerly the MCI Center. Fairly new, it took over from the Cap Center as the home of the Capitals and Wizards. I’ve seen KISS here, but no one else. It seems pretty much like a new version of the Cap Center, as it was obviously intended. The one show I saw there, KISS on the Psycho Circus Tour, was from the luxury of MCI’s sky box. Pretty damn cool.

RFK Stadium [5 shows]. Former home of the Washington Redskins, now home of DC United. The Redskins now play at FedEx Field; while some shows are played there, I’ve only seen the Redskins play. RFK was the host to various shows I remember fondly, mainly the June 20, 1992 Grateful Dead show and the 1988 Van Halen Monsters of Rock show. With its huge parking lot encircling the stadium, it was perfect for the Dead scene. Unfortunately the acoustics sucked and the nearest reserved seating in the bleachers was still 100 feet away from the stage.

VIRGINIA

Birchmere [2 shows]. “Sit down and eat” but general admission. It’s in an old warehouse so it’s actually fairly spacious inside (capacity 500). Unfortunately the bands tend to be mostly acoustic and folk, with some Robin Trower and Frank Marino thrown in. Ram’s Head on Stage has a better line-up of bands with more balls, but not the more obnoxious modern stuff that plays the Ram’s Head Live.

The State Theater [5 shows]. In downtown Falls Church, easily the closest to me. It has a standing area in front of the stage, a balcony with seating, and a middle “sit here and eat” section, so it has all the bases covered. This place gets Blue Oyster Cult more often these days and lots of tribute bands (The Machine, Dark Star Orchestra, etc.).

Jaxx [22 shows]. In Springfield, Virginia (not the Springfield of the Simpsons), tucked away in the corner of a strip mall with Indian, Korean, etc. food stores and an Afghan restaurant. Formerly Zaxx and Boots. Jaxx attracts two types of bands: death metal bands with unreadable logos, and past-their-prime 80s metal acts. Blue Oyster Cult tend to play here quite often. The owner, Jay, comes by to talk to the fans, and this is the one venue where bands tend to actually stick around to sign autographs. More than any other club, this is the one I come to most often.

Wolf Trap [1 show]. An outdoor ampitheather like Nissan and Merriweather, but woodsy, artsy and pretentious, for the “wine/cheese/wicker basket picnic” type of crowd, and considerably smaller than either (7,000 capacity). If your band is playing at Wolf Trap you are decades too old to be cool anymore (except maybe Jethro Tull).

Patriot Center [3 shows]. At George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, the home of the GMU basketball team, but also site of some great shows: front row at the Yngwie Malmsteen-Triumph show on Halloween 1986, and an Iron Maiden show much later. It’s about the same size as the Baltimore Area.

Jiffy Lube Live formerly the Nissan Pavilion. [12 shows]. Very much like Merriweather Post Pavilion, but much newer, dating from 1995 and seating 25,000. Unfortunately it’s isolated in the woods between Manassas and Warrenton, so you can’t zip across to a mall for reasonably priced shit. Fortunately the hell-hole parking lot situation has FINALLY been solved – after 10 years!! – so you can get out in 30 minutes instead of an hour. Still not as convenient as Merriweather. The other problem is that tickets are very expensive, as are the t-shirts and all the concessions ($10 for a beer!). Unlike Wolf Trap, Nissan gets the metal acts like the Ozzfest and Masters of Metal tours.


I tend to buy my tickets will call. We rarely resort to eBay or scalpers except when we absolutely have to see the show and the good seats sold out fairly quickly. Club shows are better as they’re cheaper, you have a much better view, and sometimes you get to meet the band after the show.

Cam Ranh Bay: Base Exchange 1966

Obviously, this is one that I haven't been to, but I thought it was interesting anyway. Unfortunately the narration drops for long periods of time, as if they had more footage than useful things to say (military way of doing things: utilitarian and practical, if not particularly adept at presentation). Check out the co dep nguoi Viets (pretty Viet girls) working as cashiers.

Post Exchanges

Post Exchanges

. For those of you in the military, you’ll know what these are, the US military’s concession to shopping. They have name brand products at ultra low prices, and no sales tax. Thanks to our mother’s valiant service in the US Navy (LCDR-retired) we had access to the various PXes in the US and Europe growing up. Since I’m civilian now, and always have been, my access has been dramatically reduced since I turned 23 back in 1992 and could no longer go by myself. But certainly they form a substantial part of my youth, and I definitely look back upon them fondly.

History. The system was originally started in 1895, but only after it dropped the ball big time in WWI did anyone start to work on it. The term “PX” came from the Philippines (Fort McKinley) from 1910-20. In WWII the system took off. They further refined the system in Vietnam, a challenge due to the climate – but had to clear out everything in 1975 for obvious reasons; remarkably, the last PX closed on April 29, 1975 – the day before Saigon fell. The military expanded operations, added a catalog service, and eventually co-opted with fast food chains to put real restaurants into the PXes. Clearly the permanent bases overseas and at home have various facilities, but the challenge has been meeting the needs of troops closer to actual combat operations.

SHAPE. “Supreme Headquarters, Allied Powers Europe”, NATO’s HQ in Belgium after DeGaulle kicked it out of France in the late 60s. The PX itself was actually at Chievres, about 15 minutes away from SHAPE itself. In addition to the boring administrative buildings, the SHAPE base itself had the Officer’s Club, the bowling alley, the medical center (where I had my wisdom teeth taken out in June 1986), and the movie theater. It’s the closest US base to Paris, so we had special yellow permits to allow us access. Although we did go to Ramstein and Kaiserslautern, 4-5 hours away from Paris, in Germany, these were only 2-3 times, far less often than Belgium. Most often we’d go up for 2-3 days, although occasionally we’d go up for a single day.

Here was the deal: we would drive up from Paris to Belgium in the morning, leaving around 7-8 a.m. The base is very close in off the border – with a crazy tower. The total drive was about 3 hours. First stop: “The Four Seasons”, which doubled as the toy store and the lawn/garden center. My preference at this time was for model tanks and soldiers, either Monogram or Tamiya, usually German WWII. Second stop: Stars & Stripes (book store), for Archie comics, rock and gaming magazines, and other books (usually about war). Third stop: Burger Bar, for mozzarella pizza. We would also check out videos on the video jukebox (“Steel Monkey” by Jethro Tull, and “Learning to Fly” by Pink Floyd) or play video games in the small arcade. Fourth stop: PX, starting with the Sights & Sounds department (records, tapes, TVs, stereos, etc.), drifting off to shoes, clothing, and other boring stuff. This was the PX where we scored, among other things: our first VHS player, in 1980, and Sad Wings of Destiny and Sin After Sin, by Judas Priest, on vinyl, summer of 1984.
After a fun day of shopping, we’d head to the Raymond Hotel in Mons for mozzarella pizza and AFN TV. Note: this pizza was unique. I’ve never tasted anything like it anywhere else or since. Is there a recipe? Somehow I doubt the Army would get anyone interested in its catering – or a chain of fast food places serving military food (“the Mess Hall!”)
The next day: commissary, for several cartloads of American food – expertly crammed into the trunk, or suitcases on the car room, by our father - followed by another run to the PX to catch anything which came in on that day’s shipment. For some reason the truck DID seem to bring CD players, VCRs and lots of great stuff at the last moment.
On the way back we’d be smushed, three of us, in the back seat of a Chrysler-Simca or Peugeot 505, reading comic books, with a thankful rest stop in northeastern France with plenty of cassette tapes to check out.

Raymond Hotel. Mons has the historical distinction of being the place in Belgium where the British Expeditionary Force (BEF) first made contact with the Kaiser’s army in World War I. So this is one of these medieval Belgian towns like Bruges. The Raymond Hotel is a US run hotel usually stocked with Americans waiting for their shipments to come in before moving to Brussels. We used it as a base of operations to allow us multiple days at the SHAPE PX instead of driving 3 hours back and forth each day. It was right across the street from the train station. Sometimes we actually went out and explored Mons itself, even to the point of scoring plastic FN-FAL and Thompson toy guns which shot little plastic bullets, with a lethal muzzle velocity of…3 feet per second. The Hotel had AFN TV, a cafeteria with that above-mentioned unique AAFES pizza, and even an activity room in the basement with an Atari 2600. I recall watching the Prince Charles-Lady Diana wedding in July 1981 on TV down there. ZZZ.

Armed Forces Network (AFN) TV. Lots of American TV in English, even if they might have been a few seasons old. “Dallas”, “The Tonight Show” etc. with the schedule in that day’s Stars & Stripes. Instead of commercials, AFN showed various public service announcements (“don’t drink and drive on the Autobahn!”) and Army news. Although French TV showed American shows, they were always dubbed into French, which spoiled the fun. AFN TV gave us the real deal.

Garmisch. Honorable mention for our trip to Garmisch in January 1990. My brother Matt, my friend Phil, and I, staying at the General Patton Hotel. We enjoyed a few days skiing on the Zugspitze, thanks to the Armed Forces Recreation Service, or something like that. We even did a day tour of Munich, which included the Olympic Stadium (site of the ill-fated 1972 Olympics and current home of Bayern Munchen) and the town square, even a trip to the Hofbrauhaus. The bar at the hotel closed at midnight but served 75 cent beers and $1.5 mixed drinks (tequila sunrises).

Bethesda. This is probably the US facility we’re most familiar with – hell, I was born in the hospital there. I can remember when the PX was a bunch of old buildings linked together by small passageways, and a generic “snack bar” type of restaurant. Now it’s a large, modern department store with a McDonald’s. I scored my motorcycle jacket here during college, for half the price of a civilian store.

Walter Reed. This is not the hospital itself (on 16^th Street) but the PX over by Georgia Avenue. This was a close second to Bethesda, especially since Walter Reed has a commissary and Bethesda doesn’t. I remember getting gas here when I was at college – the gas was much cheaper on base. This one hasn’t changed much; I don’t recall any earlier, old-fashioned style before the current format which dates from the 70s.

Cameron Station. Now an upscale townhouse neighborhood off Duke Street near Pickett Street, down the road from Landmark Mall. This was a huge PX, where we picked up the Intellivision AD&D Treasure of Tarmin game on one of our home leaves.

Fort Myer. In Arlington, right outside DC. Not as large as Cameron Station. I recall the commissary was HUGE.

Henderson Hall. Right next to Fort Myer and the Arlington Cemetary. The Marine PX. I scored Master of Reality (Black Sabbath) on tape here in 1984, again back when this place was a set of old-fashioned buildings separated from each other. Now they have a multi-story modern place with a Burger King inside.

Officer’s Clubs. I always considered them dull, as our interaction herein was fancy dinners. I’ve never been a soldier, much less an officer, so I was always some civilian kid enduring them.

Opeth - Windowpane (Live at Shepherd's Bush Empire)

One of their best songs, remarkably soft but excellently written and performed. This is a good sample of how thrash metal (!) has evolved from "Hit the Lights" to the present day.

State of Thrash 2008

It’s late 2008 and Metallica has released Death Magnetic, their attempt to remain relevant in today’s world of thrash metal. What does it look like now?


Basics. Heavy metal, as a musical genre, has been around for awhile. Depending on your definitions, it could have begun as early as the late 60s with Cream, Jimi Hendrix, Iron Butterfly and Blue Cheer, but certainly the big three of Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, and Led Zeppelin, with their peaks in the early 70s, can claim to be the musical bedrock upon which later bands such as Iron Maiden and Judas Priest made their careers in the 80s. In the early 80s, thrash metal emerged at what could be considered the extreme edge of metal, the fastest, loudest, most obnoxious and least aural-friendly bands, the ones that Beavis & Butt-head would claim “scare chicks”.
Approaching the “hairy edge”, the challenge in this genre is to remain “music” of some sort recognizable as such to human ears and not drop off the precipice of mere white noise. As singers’ voices drifted from Rob Halford’s near opera quality skill, to James Hetfield’s growl, then to Tom Araya’s “singing”, the standard got lower and lower, until it reached the point where guttural growls, aka “Cookie Monster” vocals, became acceptable among many bands, despite the fact that we can no longer understand what’s being sung (lyric sheets, please!), and the “singing” sounds more like the grotesque garble of a person – man? woman? – whose lower jaw has been brutally smashed away or tongue ripped out. The same holds true for the music: as the tempo increased faster, the guitars got so fast that the band sounds less like “music” in any meaningful sense and more like a recording of a German WWII MG-42 being fired. Each of these descriptions tend to fit an extreme form of thrash, “death metal”, “grind core” or whatever, which I never liked and will not even address herein. When even the band’s logo is as indecipherable as its lyrics, surely you’ve reached a point of being noise for the sake of being noise. Leaving aside that branch of the thrash family, here is the more mainstream portion of the genre.


Top 4
Metallica. Formerly the top band, until the Napster bullshit and an atrocious sellout. They blended Black Sabbath and Diamond Head and managed to almost single-handedly establish and dominate the genre, progressively improving their sound over several albums: Kill ‘Em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, the Garage Days EP, …And Justice For All, and Metallica (aka the Black Album). They succeeded on their own terms, and eclipsed even Ozzy, Sabbath, AC/DC, and most other metal bands during the late 80s and early 90s, with the exception of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest. If anyone could take on grunge, it was Metallica. Even replacing Cliff Burton (RIP) with Jason Newsted had no impact, as …And Justice For All managed to achieve the impossible: attracting a vast group of new fans to the band without alienating the hardcore faithful. I got Ride The Lightning in January 1985 for my 16^th birthday, and we saw them that summer at the Donington Monsters of Rock festival.
Then suddenly we were hit with Load. WTF? Metal fans, including Metallica fans such as ourselves, are notoriously sensitive to a band’s inclination – even perceived – to “sell out”, and many argued that after …And Justice For All, the much shorter songs on Metallica (particularly “Nothing Else Matters” and “The Unforgiven”) were Exhibits A-L in the “Metallica sold out” case. To me, …And Justice For All was simply too self-indulgent, and Metallica was nothing more than a distillation of the true essence into a more concentrated format, not a dramatic or fundamental change in perspective. With Load we had, without a doubt, such a change, and not for the better. The songs have a clipped, staccato feel more in tune with grunge than with their previous work. It’s as if Metallica decided to co-opt grunge by joining it, forsaking pioneering their own type of music and simply trying to re-align themselves to what they perceived was a more commercially acceptable format. Re-Load was at least an honest title, as it gave us more of the same shit. St Anger was a definite improvement, but not a return to the earlier sound. This album sounds like the anger was directed at the fans. But hey: you cut your hair, you added guyliner & piercings (what were you thinking, Kirk??), dressed up as cowboys, etc. If the music didn’t scream sellout, the haircuts certainly did. “Queer Eye For Metallica”. And “Some Kind of Monster” didn’t help either. Mustaine accurately called it “Some Kind of Bullshit.”
So what do you we have with Death Magnetic? Too early to tell for me. Kirk grew his hair back, we have Trujillo on bass instead of Jason Newsted (who really looked like a major league asshole in “Some Kind of Monster” – where is Echobrain now, huh?), and we’ve even got the old logo back. None of the songs suck outright, and a few of them are pretty good: “The Day That Never Comes”, “Cyanide”, and the extended instrumental “Suicide & Redemption”. The weakest track, I find, is the last one: “My Apocalypse”, the last track and probably overly aggressive solely to prove a point and close out the album on such a note (like “Damage Inc” on Master of Puppets). I can’t say this album picks up where Metallica left off, but even after hearing it twice I still come away from it liking it more than St Anger. Maybe I’m tired of hating them and finally willing to give the material a fair listen.
The problem is, James, Kirk and Lars are all 25 years older than they were in 1983. They have wives (or girlfriends) and kids. Even if they wanted to replicate the first few albums, they’re no longer the angry, arrogant young guys we saw in “Cliff ‘Em All”, as “Some Kind of Monster” so graphically showed us. Can thrash metal only be effectively written and performed by drunk, horny, guys in their early 20s? Is there an age limit? I don’t hear anyone claiming that Ozzy or Lemmy are “too old”, and Tony and Geezer seem to get more distinguished, but no less credible musicians, as they age. The younger bands still bow, “we’re not worthy”, before them, so Metallica can redeem themselves from the shame of Load, Re-Load, and “Some Kind of Monster” and give us some decent thrash we can appreciate in perspective. Hell, those of us old enough to have seen Cliff Burton play with Metallica, aren’t exactly kids ourselves anymore.
Actually, after years of having to endure “cookie monster” vocals from various thrash bands (“Who’s gonna sing?” “I dunno, pick the guy who sings the worst”), I now appreciate James Hetfield’s voice. He clearly enunciates the lyrics but gives it just enough rasp and venom to give it the nasty edge it needs to work.


Megadeth. Dave Mustaine’s band. I’ll give him this: he never gave us anything close to Load or Re-Load. But no matter who the band members are, Megadeth always strikes me as second-rate Metallica. Mustaine takes Hetfield’s rasp and warps it into a perpetual, arrogant sneer. “Hey, I’m the asshole who sings.”


Anthrax. Not bad, just too clever. Even Scott Ian admits that this whole “NOT” thing obscured the band’s talent. I think they tried to take too much credit and attention for the “I’m The Man” and “Bring the Noize” deal of mixing rap and metal (no, I will NOT suck your dicks). Highlight? “I Am the Law”, the Judge Dredd song. Joey Belladonna was their best singer, clearly some good lungs. Anthrax’s image was, “we have no image”, but that, in itself, is an image if you try too hard to cram it down everyone’s throats. Enough.


Slayer. The official “serial killer concept album” band. I could never get into their earlier material, South of Heaven or Reign in Blood. Well, if you really hate Slayer, at least the longest you’ll have to endure any album is what, 20 minutes? To me, Seasons in the Abyss was their peak. I have to blame Tom Araya for starting this damn “cookie monster” vocal crap, although he is barely understandable. Now Kerry King has the “bald head, goatee, and arm covered in tattoos” deal. Whatever happened to “long hair, t-shirt” and just play a Strat or an Explorer? Everyone (except maybe Trouble) seems to have hired image consultants - not just Metallica.

We saw Megadeth, Slayer and Anthrax together in June 1991 on the Clash of the Titans show, with Alice in Chains opening, but the nature of the format meant that each “headliner” could only play a 45 minute set. Value or not? On the Black Album tour, Metallica was playing, without an opening act, for 3 hours. Do the math and think about it.


Second Tier
Corrosion of Conformity/Down. CoC started out as a hardcore punk band and switched formats, putting Pepper Keenan on vocals. Damn good shit. With Down, Keenan teamed up with Phil Anselmo (Pantera) for what turns out to be New Orleans style thrash, some slow, smokey shit like a ratmeat barbecue dosed with brown acid. Awesome.


Trouble. From Chicago. They take Black Sabbath, add some Beatles and psychedelic stuff to the mix, and come out with a damn good result. The twin guitarists Rick Wartell (KK Downing double – even down to the Flying V) and Bruce Franklin (Uli Roth double, though playing an SG Junior instead of a Strat) trade off solos and harmonies to make Dave Murray and Adrian Smith jealous. Eric Wagner was cool as the singer from ’85 until this summer, but now he’s replaced by Kory Clarke – maybe not the same quality voice, but he has the energy and attitude.


White Zombie/Rob Zombie. Aside from no J. Yuenger or Sean Yseult (I share Beavis’ reaction: “What’s the deal with all these chick bass players?), I can’t tell the difference between the two. The music is acceptable – even catchy sometimes (“Living Dead Girl”, “More Human Than Human”) - but the sound effects and imagery is really over the top. Zombie seems to want to channel Alice Cooper (Cooper’s take on Marilyn Manson: “He wears makeup and has a woman’s name. How original.”).


Pantera. I was never too impressed with them. They started out as a glam metal band from Texas, added Anselmo and turned to thrash, and melted down for reasons I never understood (or cared to learn). I have Far Beyond Driven but never felt compelled to collect any other albums. I hated Dimebag Darrell’s goatee and Anselmo’s voice, but at least in Down he’s learned how to sing.


Voivod. From Montreal. Well played and written thrash metal. They deserve the distinction of being one of the first thrash bands to tip their hats to Gilmour, Waters, Mason & Wright (RIP). They covered “Astronomy Domine” long before Atomic Bitchwax, and I have their terrific 3D album, The Outer Limits, with their cover of “The Nile Song”. They also have a credible claim at being one of the first artsy – if perhaps pretentious – thrash bands around, long before Opeth.


Tool. Are they thrash? Industrial? Progressive? The same with Mars Volta and Thrak-era King Crimson. These are bands who are so far out, they truly defy any meaningful labels aside from “metal” – just as King Crimson has always done. I suppose you truly qualify as “original” when no one can figure out what to call you, even if they don’t necessarily like you. By this point I’ve tuned out on Mars Volta; I wasn’t impressed with Bedlam in Goliath, their latest album, and live they stink. But I still love Tool, especially since 10,000 Days, their latest album, is their best, and unlike Mars Volta, they’re damn good in concert. In fact, I remember thinking as I started getting into Tool last year, that until they came around, Metallica were the heaviest band who could still be called “music” in some way. Tool have since stolen the mantle, and even comparing 10,000 Days with Death Magnetic, have yet to relinquish it back to its erstwhile owners. There’s something inherently metallic about the music, as if it were designed or engineered, and built, rather than written – some industrial science rather than art; Maynard Keenan’s side project, A Perfect Circle, seems to have an organic, fleshy feel to it compared to Tool. And live, the band disappears among the lights and magic, the screens behind them at the back of the stage, as if they were creating something far larger than themselves. A Tool live show is certainly an experience, in fact very similar to Pink Floyd – just 100 times heavier.


Exodus, Nuclear Assault, Flotsam & Jetsam, Suicidal Tendencies. I know of these bands but never paid attention to them. They’re more famous because of their former members than as bands themselves. Each of them has supplied a different member of Metallica: Kirk Hammett from Exodus, Jason Newsted from Flotsam & Jetsam, and most recently, Robert Trujillo from Suicidal Tendencies – replacing Newsted.


The Next Generation
Turisas. From Finland. I have their album The Varangian Way, a concept album about a band of Vikings who end up in Mikligard, aka Constantinople (Istanbul). Fairly well done (especially compared to Tyr)! Closest in sound to Opeth (see below). They covered Boney M’s single “Rasputin” and managed to make it work – both versions inspire a classic Cossack dance! However, they also play in full Viking regalia, which includes furs and war paint; and they have a violinist and an accordionist, so they have a huge novelty factor which may damage their credibility.
As with KISS, there is always a tendency to write off any band which overtly indulges in some obvious gimmick. AC/DC has Angus Young, Alice Cooper had his theatrics, and GWAR clearly have their elaborate stage show. More recently there’s Slipknot with their matching jumpsuits and different masks, Wayne Static’s bizarre hair & beard, Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, etc. – clearly there is no shortage of bands who may or may not be trying to crutch substandard talent and music by a bizarre innovation. Being enthralled by the smoke & mirrors may trick you into buying into a genius that doesn’t exist – or blind detractors from talent hidden underneath all that. To call KISS talentless strikes me as both easy and unfair; they’re not geniuses or artists, but they do have real talent. I put Turisas in the same category, especially since I was impressed by their music before I even watched the bonus DVD revealing their stage presence. But the DVD shows them playing during broad daylight at various festivals, well below the top of the bill, to an audience which mostly paid to see the headliners and had these Viking weirdos inflicted upon them. Those people may be less inclined to give Turisas a fair hearing. We’ll see. They’re supporting Dragonforce AND headlining other clubs this fall, giving two groups of audiences exposure to this “battle metal”.


Opeth. From Sweden – finally a band the country can be proud to claim their own aside from ABBA. I have Watershed (newest album), The Roundhouse Tapes (live) and Damnation. Although they have their share of “cookie monster” vocals, the singer often makes a mistake and sings normally. They also slow down periodically and end up sounding like Pink Floyd on steroids (very reminiscent of Voivod). Probably one of the most talented of the new crew of thrash bands, and that appears to be the well-deserved reputation they’re developing. Even the heavy parts have almost a classical feel to them, similar to Metallica’s instrumentals “The Call of Ktulu” and “Orion”, even if Opeth don’t sound anything like Metallica.
Damnation is remarkable – and a judgment call. Technically it’s not really even a thrash album, more like remarkably executed progressive rock. But the fact that this band can pull it off at all is a major factor in their credit. Watershed is a thrash album, and a damn good one. The live album shows that not only can they play, Mikael Akerfeldt, the singer/lead guitarist is fairly witty and irreverent, almost a thrash version of Ian Anderson. His humor is a welcome foil to the music, which is all too often serious. What you’re left with is a refreshingly well-rounded band which covers the bases, slamming you in the head at one point, yet caressing you at others, similar to 70s era King Crimson. The truly great bands know how to build upon their influences yet still expanding and developing a new, unique sound of their own. This is what separates Opeth from Dragonforce, as noted below.


Dragonforce. Giving Opeth some stiff competition for role of top new band. I’ll have to go with Opeth, though. While Opeth are doing something unique and original, charting new territory, Dragonforce are basically ripping off Kill ‘Em All – from 1983!! – and pretending to give us something brand new. Do they really think that Metallica have so alienated every metal fan out there, that NO ONE has heard the first 3 Metallica albums? Give me a break. The one thing they change is having a singer who sounds like Steve Perry of Journey instead of James Hetfield or Dave Mustaine. I have their most recent album, Ultra Beatdown, which probably should be called Ultra Beatoff. I could barely endure it.
In addition to the almost note-for-note ripoff of the early Metallica sound, the lyrics are inane. Check them out for yourself and you’ll see what I mean. The best you could say for them is that they complement the music, but Metallica and Megadeth, and thrash bands in general, tend to at least attempt to write lyrics which are listenable and appreciable in and of themselves, not merely window dressing for the music just so it won’t be just an album of instrumentals. Thrash metal has established a fairly high standard for politically and socially relevant lyrics – even if 70% of them are about nuclear war, or if you can’t understand half of them because the singer can’t sing for shit – so Dragonforce fall well below the minimum threshold. Which is a shame, because their singer actually CAN sing for shit. But even if they fixed the lyrics, they’re still ripping off “Motorbreath”. Been there, done that.


Clutch. Not bad. I have one album, but I’ll have to hear more of them. They throttle it down a gear, but only one gear. In a way, this sounds like the sound Metallica is trying for on Load and Re-Load, except that for Clutch it’s 
their own sound, instead of an established band trying to latch on to an existing genre. Too bad.


High On Fire. The one song I heard sounded like this obscure band no one has ever heard of: METALLICA. Is the rest any different?


Mudvayne, Slipknot, Static X, Disturbed, Powerman 5000. ZZZZZZZZ. Please, spare me this Ozzfest garbage – I’ve had to endure each of these bands open for Black Sabbath over the years and have never been impressed by any of them. More bands with gimmicks galore and at best average talent. Can they play their instruments competently at 100 mph? Sure. Can they sing? Rarely. Are they doing anything that hasn’t been done over and over again? Not really. What was really laughable is that often the singer would bark out something about “down with all those boy bands or Britney who all sound exactly the same” and then give us second rate thrash metal which all sounds exactly the same. The music is hardly original or remarkable and they probably wouldn’t have as much of an audience if they dropped whatever gimmick they’re using (see Turisas above).

So who wins, circa 2008? I can’t decide between Tool or Opeth. Trouble deserve a solid silver metal simply by virtue of sheer persistence. I’d like to believe Metallica have redeemed themselves, but the jury is still out on Death Magnetic, and I still don’t like it as much as 10,000 Days or Watershed.