Time for some more lighthearted stuff I try to pass off as “humor”.
I suppose the original Jeep, and subsequent VW “Thing” – better known to WWII enthusiasts as the Kubelwagen – should have provided enough precedent for the civilian Hummer. But why stop there? We’re missing the golden opportunity to expand to civilian versions of all sorts of fun and exciting military hardware.
Each branch has its own catalog of cool stuff for everyone - and it’s as close as your local PX.
Army. Take out the massive 120 mm Rheinmetall main armament and its coaxial .50 cal and 7.62mm machine guns, but leave in the heavy duty depleted uranium armor, and you have the ultimate SUV: the civilian M1-Abrams main battle tank. Truly an all-terrain vehicle and impervious to car crashes – or at least, being the victim of one….Can’t be too safe! Of course, if you consider a politically incorrect gas hog like a Hummer a status symbol, you’ll love the Abrams. Its 1500 HP gas turbine engine gets a gallon per mile, consumes 10 gallons just to start up, and sucks 12 gallons per hour when idle. It will run on diesel, gasoline, jet fuel, or kerosene. The top speed is 45 mph on roads and 30 mph cross country. Forget olive drab or cammo, you can order it in any color you want – even pink! Even blast a Gulf War or OIF soundtrack from the killer mil-spec stereo system. “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor…” [Seriously, there is a firm which sells WWII Russian T-34/85s…if you can only find somewhere to actually drive it.] Come on down!
Navy. Civilian subs, PT boats, destroyers, cruisers, even battleships! How about a civilian aircraft carrier? Jimmy Buffett, eat your heart out! Fits 100 planes, with a slip at Pearl Harbor, San Diego, or Norfolk. Only $4.5 billion for the Nimitz class, and they’ll throw in the uranium for free – oops, “if you have to ask how much it is, you can’t afford it.” Optional: civilian F14s and F18s, and for the Vietnam war enthusiasts, civilian F4 Phantoms. We still have some Hellcats, Dauntlesses or even – Baa Baa Black Sheep! – a Corsair! But wait, that’s not all! The Japanese want in on this lucrative market, so Mitsubishi is reissuing its Zero in civilian format. Lightly armored, but very fast – with a GPS system a Kamikaze could only dream of! No reasonable offers refused!
Air Force. You want it, we got it! Your pick: F15…F16…or perhaps something more old school? A Sopwith Camel? Albatross (red, black, or purple – the Flying Circus edition)? Spad? Nieuport? Fokker Triplane? (Spandaus non-functional, of course) Or how about a WWII flavor: Mustang? Spitfire? Stuka? Folke-Wulf? Messerschmidt – and our special Blue Oyster Cult ME262 (complete with Junkers Jumo 004s). Have a family? Don’t worry, have we got something for you! Take the whole gang on trips in your B17, B24, or the Enola Gay B29. “It’s the BOMB!” For the Jane Fonda set, we can put you in a MiG-15, a MiG-21 (HO HO HO Chi Minh!) or a more modern MiG-29. And don’t miss our “Dr Strangelove” edition B-52 – sorry, strategic nuclear weapons NOT included. If you act now, we’ll throw in flying lessons at NO EXTRA CHARGE!
HUNTERS please take note: the fully armed military versions are still available (extra cost, of course). Experience the thrill of hunting in a bright orange tank! Shooting down cape buffalo in your F16! Fishing with the main armament on your very own destroyer! Duck hunting with an AA gun, or better yet, a surface-to-air missile! And of course, hunting mosquitos with a bazooka! It’s like shooting fish in a barrel – quite literally! The possibilities are endless!
... *blows a bubble with Bazooka*
ReplyDeleteNever mind hunters. Think what this would do for road rage!
ReplyDeleteHey! This is great! I'll take the one of the battle tanks -- that oughtta get me to and from work during a snowy, icy Canadian winter. And if any fellow driver flips me the bird for not going the speed limit, I'll have my gun ready. Bring it! *thinks about the logistics of a cold metal armoured tank in January* Um, what kind of heater does it have? Stereo?
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