If I Were King...

…I would proclaim the following:

 1.  Henceforth, the soda and its parent company formerly known as Dr. Pepper, shall be known as Sgt. Pepper.  Various songs from that album and elements thereof shall be made part of any commercial or promotion associated therewith, and no royalties to be paid to Michael Jackson – they all go to Yoko Ono, Ringo Starr, the Harrison estate, and (Sir) Paul McCartney.

 2.  Supermarket checkout lines, express lanes.  If you exceed the limit, your excess purchases will be charged double, starting with the most expensive item and working back to the limit.  You have been warned.  This transaction is NOT voidable by the cashier or manager.  And 20 units of the same item counts as 20 units, not 1.  Learn to count, people!

 3.  Capital punishment for ANYONE on “The Price is Right” who bids ONE dollar more than the last person.  Drew Carey himself will “come on down” with a gun and shoot you on the spot.  Spaying or neutering the offender might be the more appropriate penalty, but this one dollar bullshit just shows the contestant has already lost his/her testicles or ovaries.

 4.  School names.  Enough with this boring idiocy of naming schools after repetitively dull historical figures or equally dull local community figures no one really knows about or cares about – except for the corrupt assholes who picked the names, clearly hoping that one day THEY will have schools named after themselves.  It’s time we picked some names which reflect individuals who truly had a major impact on our society in different ways.  Yes, it’s time for….Albert Hoffman High School; Timothy Leary High School; James Hendrix High School; James Morrison High School; Stevie Ray Vaughn High School; Leo Fender High School; etc.  Or we can pick politically incorrect historical figures, such as Attilla the Hun, Nathan Bedford Forrest, Benedict Arnold.  You get the point.  I don’t think they name schools in England after people, preferring localities, so we’ll take some English and use them – Lennon, McCartney, Jagger, Richards, Gilmour, Waters, etc. 

 5.  If you are Adam Lambert, or have his hairstyle, you will be immediately accosted and have your head shaved like the collaborating women in WWII.  And this “bald & goatee” thing is OVER!  Enough!  Hear me Andy Powell and Rob Halford?   Unless you can trace ancestry to a Germanic tribe fighting the Romans, give it a rest. 

 In a related topic, If had more money than I knew what to do with (but wasn’t necessarily king), I would:

 1.         Turn the Turtledove Timeline series (How Few Remains, Great War, American Empire, and Settling Account) into movies, with big name stars, without any concern for turning a profit.  Morgan Freeman as Scipio?  Sure.  Nicole Kidman as Anne Colleton?  Why not?  Tom Berenger as Roger Kimball?  You bet.  Denzel Washington as Cincinnatus?  Good idea.  Maybe even Ed Harris as Irving Morrell, and Robin Williams as Theodore Roosevelt (see the Night at the Museum films).  I’m thinking of Edward Norton as Jake Featherston. 

Minimal changes on the screenplay – even if that means “nigger” is spit out liberally in every movie.  Chill out people, and watch it to the very end.  You’ll love it.

 2.         Buy up every clapped out, rusted 3^rd Gen. Firebird or Camaro and renovate them with V8s, etc.  I’d buy so many I could set up a factory to do this, and buy up crate 350s in bulk with a volume discount.  Then I’d sell them for modest amounts, with no regard to profit. 

 3.         I’d buy up a small town, and collect all the homeless people from across the country.  I’d have social workers figure out which are the (A) crazy but harmless people turned out of asylums because they’re no threat to society, but who still can’t support themselves, the (B) normal people who simply became homeless due to rotten luck, but who could be self-sufficient if someone believed in them and found a decent job for them, (C) drug addicts, and (D) truly criminally insane.  My understanding is that shelters don’t work because predators abuse the homeless therein, such that they’re actually safer on the streets.  Apparently these shelters have poor security.  Hopefully, by relocating the homeless to a remote area, this problem can be eliminated.  At the very least, they will have someplace safe to stay, a roof over their head, food, health care, etc.  I’d try to set it up like a real town, not a mental institution.  No, it’s NOT “The Island.”