Beautiful Women

Earlier I wrote a generic blog about women, without identifying any one in particular.  This time I’m naming names.  Some are actresses, some musicians, some both, or neither.  Forgive the omissions.  And the impressions are 100% subjective.  One more thing:  seeing how much I’ve heard of “Team Edward” vs. “Team Jacob”, not to mention various “Hottest Man Alive” magazine issues, I don’t want to hear any nonsense from women bitching about my judgment of hotness, i.e. passing judgment on physical beauty, or lack thereof, in women. 

 Danica Patrick.  I find her stunning, even if she’s not the best race car driver.  Not only her looks, which are obvious, but the intelligent way in which she speaks.  Now that she’s in the Nationwide Series (2^nd tier NASCAR) the attention to that series has skyrocketed, though of the “Danica Patrick and thirty-something other guys racing” nature.  But also check out Milka Duno.

 Sofia Vergara.   Hard to top her.  Natural E cup, stunning figure, delicious accent and incredible sense of humor.  Can we clone her?

 Madonna.  I was never that attracted to her, physically, nor impressed with her music.  Those bits with Wayne & Garth were a bit embarrassing.  She does know how to tastefully promote herself, and her videos show some intelligence and creativity.

 Kylie Minogue/Mariah Carey.  Both of them seem like arrogant divas to me.  KM is, by my standards, atrociously emaciated.  She looks like the kind of woman to bleed a man’s wallet dry for the sake of spending as much – or as little – as he has, no matter how much of her own money she may have.  Mariah Carey has more of the body I like, voluptuous with large boobs, but she also strikes me as ruthless; she married a record exec because it would help her career.

 Gwen Stefani.  Her top quality is her flat tummy.  Beyond that, I don’t find her very special.  Same with Katy Perry.

 Pink.  I liked her attitude, very spunky.

 Lady Gaga.  I think she has a killer body and a sexy attitude, even if she does act…”gaga” some of the time.

 Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  Yes, I’m aware that they were little girls on “Full House”, but now they’re adult women, old enough to have children even by modern standards (not medieval “14 is old enough, we’re all going to die by 30” standards).  Is it pedophilia to call them attractive now?

 Hillary Duff.  Same deal with her.  In fact, in many videos she looks like she’s in her 30s, deliberately so.  She was extremely delicious in “War, Inc.” – beating the otherwise babacious Marisa Tomei. 

 Vanessa Hudgens.  Another stunning young one.  Perhaps threesome material with Mila Kunis (see below).

 Britney Spears.  I still find her attractive, and very cute, no matter how white trashy she looks or behaves. 

 Christina Aguilera.  A notch down from Britney, but still cute.

 Shakira.  One of the hotter women – and she doesn’t give off this “diva” attitude.  That makes her even more desirable. 

 Beyonce.  To me she’s the black version of Shakira – as they were almost identical in the “Beautiful Liar” video they did together.  Schwing!

 Fergie.  The token hot chick from the Black Eyed Peas.  Hot hot hot!

 Nicole Scherzinger.  Don’t you wish your GF was hot like her?  The main brunette in the Pussycat Dolls is definitely hot.

 Amy Winehouse.  At normal weight and properly adjusted, she’s damn pretty.  But strung out and emaciated, just plain f**ked up, no thanks.  She strikes me as a decadent Jewess who could seduce a blond-haired, blue-eyed SS officer (damn you, fraulein!).

 Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton.  Two women whose sole claim to fame seems to be celebrities.  To me, Kim Kardashian is the hottest woman on the planet right now, though Jessica Biel gives her some stiff competition.  To her credit, Paris Hilton doesn’t take herself too seriously.  According to the tabloids, Kardashian and Reggie Bush are OVER, and she’s now dating Christiano Ronaldo, the soccer player formerly with Manchester United and now with Real Madrid (I have a few of his jerseys).  Lucky guy, if the rumors are true.

 Lindsay Lohan.  Here’s one I really go for – pretty AND hot.  Too bad she doesn’t seem to have her act together.

 Ashlee Simpson & JoJo.  Both them appear to be “Daddy, give me a record deal!” spoiled girls.  Modestly attractive with zero talent.  JoJo seems to be a Lindsay Lohan-wanna be.

 Jessica Alba. I find her to be a colossal tease.  She flaunts her body – “Sin City”, “The Fantastic Four”, and “Dark Angel”, among many other such films – yet won’t do nude scenes.  Her “nude” scenes in “The Sleeping Dictionary” (an excellent chick flick, by the way) were done by body doubles.

 Heather Locklear.  I never thought she was hot.  Pretty? Yes.  Hot?  No.

 Amanda Peet.  Actually very attractive.  I remember some celebrity was on Howard Stern way back, plugging his new movie which featured this actress.  Stern warned, “uh oh, your film is going to tank.  I don’t know why, she’s a good actress, but for some reason her movies always tank.”  She was in “2012”, but for some reason I didn’t recognize her.

 Charlize Theron.  I think she’s pretty, but not hot (no, “The Cider House Rules” did not change my mind about this).  But I can’t complain about her personality.

 Scarlett Johannsen.  I really like her roles, especially “Vicky Christina Barcelona”.  She’s the rare blonde who gets my attention.  Nicole Kidman is nice too – best in “To Die For”.

 Keira Knightly is definitely stunning, most so in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy.

 Rose McGowan is also hot, but I haven’t seen her around lately.

 Lucy Liu.  Along with Bai Ling, keeping a high standard for Asian women in the public eye in the US.  I really liked her in “Lucky Number Slevin”.

 Cameron Diaz is cute, but I don’t find her hot.  Same deal with Sandra Bullock.

 Demi Moore.  She’s always been cute, but now she’s hotter than ever, ever since her boob job and makeover around “Strip Tease”.   

 Rosario Dawson.  Very hot!  She gets it done. “Sin City” is great because it has both her and Jessica Alba in provocative roles.

 Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek.  Two nice Latinas – PC is from Madrid, Hayek is from Mexico.  Hayek definitely has what I consider the much hotter body, but PC is also attractive, and was very nice in “Vicky Christina Barcelona”.  Hayek’s top moment was (I know, groaning) “Dusk Till Dawn”.

 Gisele Bundchen.  Tom Brady’s supermodel girlfriend from Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil, the far southwest where German ancestry is fairly prevalent.  Although she’s Brazilian, I’m not that attracted to her – tall and skinny doesn’t do it for me.  Among the Brasileiras, here are a few who jump out at me as being the most attractive: Ana Paula Arosia (mainly does makeup ads and novellas in Brazil), Giovanna Antonelli (who Jenna Fischer, see below, resembles), Adriana Lima (Victoria’s Secret model) and Luma de Oliveira. 

 Mila Kunis.  Best known as “Jackie” from “That 70s Show”.  She’s done some good work since then, mostly “Extract” (highly underrated Mike Judge film which came out recently) and “Date Night” with James Franco.  And she can play a nice girl, e.g. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. 

 Valerie Bertinelli.  I always thought she was very cute, both on “One Day At A Time” (way back when) and as Eddie Van Halen’s wife, and even now. 

 Sharon Stone.  Along with Glenn Close, another woman whose beauty and attraction (fatal or otherwise) completely escape me.  Actually, I should distinguish them.  Stone and Kim Basinger are women who OTHER men consider hot, but I don’t, but their attraction does not baffle me.  In Close’s case I fail to see what ANY man sees in her.  She looks like a man.  Period.  Helen Hunt is another “huh?”. 

 Farrah Fawcett.  I was never into her.  I preferred brunettes, which mean Jacklyn Smith and Kate Jackson.

 Catherine Zeta-Jones.  GRRRR.  Aside from fame, money, and all that other stuff, what does Michael Douglas have that I don’t?

 Denise Richards.  Charlie, what were you thinking??? 

 Tawny Kitaen.  She was super hot in the Whitesnake videos, but somewhere along the line she went nuts.  What happened?

Sarah Silverman.  I think she’s VERY pretty.  However, her standup routine – shock the hell out of everyone with saucy language – has gotten old. 

 Alicia Silverstone & Liv Tyler.  The Aerosmith pair.  Liv Tyler remains a hot babe, even as Arwen in “Lord of the Rings”.   Silverstone is cute too, even if she has put on a few pounds recently.  But she was still nice in “Blast From the Past”.

 Carrie Fisher vs. Natalie Portman.  Sorry, I’ll take Leia over Padme (« panda bear, or whatever her name was ! ») any day.  What I really loved about Fisher was her WTF attitude, even in “When Harry Met Sally” when she wasn’t the bikini sexpot we drooled over in “Return of the Jedi”. 

 Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner.  Lopez is hot.  Aniston has a « girl next door » quality to her.  Garner has the same, but she adds the ability to be hot when she wants to (Electra & Alias).  Jenna Fischer (“Pam” from “The Office” is a hottie hidden in modest roles – “Blades of Glory” gives her a chance to show off.

 Pam Dawber is an odd one: TOO pretty and wholesome.  I can’t fantasize about her, I put her up on a pedestal as a Vestal Virgin.  Almost the same deal with Reese Witherspoon, Katie Holmes, and Maggie Gyllenhal.

 Julia Roberts.  Pretty woman?  Yes.  But she doesn’t set me on fire.  Especially when you put her up against Zeta-Jones (what was that movie??).  But she still beat Portman (“Closer”).

 Eva Longoria.  Easily the most delicious of the “Desperate Housewives” group, with Dana Delaney a close #2.  Of the “Sex & The City” four, I find Kim Cattrall the nicest.  She was also cute in “Mannequin” and the Police Academy films.

 Angelina Jolie.  She doesn’t make my tongue fall to the floor, Tex Avery style, but if she is anything like her computerized portrayal in “Beowulf”, I’d say she’s still 10x hotter than Aniston.  Jenny McCarthy is in her league, though I’m sure not everyone will agree.  Anna Nicole Smith got a bit too big for even my Rubenesque standards.  Pamela Anderson I think is very hot, no matter what her boob size.  Loni Anderson, though, I was never too impressed with, though she always struck me as a nice enough person.  I suppose it’s my anti-blonde bias, but I preferred the brunette on WKRP, Jan Smithers.

 Megan Fox.  Definitely a babe.  Jennifer Connolly is a more sedate, sexed down variant.  I have a particular weakness for black haired women with blue eyes – it’s a stunning combination.  Fran Drescher I like, even if her accent is a bit off.

 Among the older actresses, I like Julie Andrews, Sophia Lauren, Gina Lollogibrida, Lauren Bacall, Vivien Leigh (especially in “Gone With the Wind”), Raquel Welch (thanks, Starbrander!), Susan St. James (very cute in “Diamonds Are Forever” – Sean Young reminds me of her), Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepherd, Jayne Mansfield, Victoria Principal (Pam Ewing from “Dallas”) and Lynda Carter (best known as “Wonder Woman” from the 70s TV series).  I don’t find Ava Gardner all that attractive, or most of the 40s pinups, Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Betty Grable, Greta Garbo, etc.  I don’t know why, but Marilyn Monroe doesn’t do anything for me.

 For some reason, female politicians seem to be very intelligent but none too beautiful.  Golda Meir, Indira Ghandi, Margaret Thatcher (though I like her style), Bhutto (RIP), Angela Merkel.  I’m not a big fan of Sarah Palin (Alec Baldwin: “You’re way hotter in person!”) or Tina Fey, for that matter.