Trains

This is blog #420 for me, but I already did the “legalize it” blog, so no “420” connection this time around.

The other week I drove my ’76 Firebird down to Stafford to have the floorpans replaced.   The shop had no means of chauffeuring me back up to Falls Church, so I had to take the train up to Union Station and the Metro out to Falls Church.   After some confusion on the platform – apparently VRE/Amtrak isn’t set up to allow you to simply buy a ticket and get on a train – I was able to sit back and leisurely watch the train choo-choo-choo its way past Quantico and up to DC.   Although the route is theoretically parallel to 95, which I’m very familiar with, the rail lines pass miles off from the highway and show a radically different picture than the 8 lane highway.

It reminded me how rarely I take the train.   It’s completely impractical for intercontinental travel (take the plane) or even long distances in the US (e.g. L.A. or Florida).   For the area it is useful, East Coast USA, driving is more practical and much cheaper. 

More of my train experiences are from living in Europe.   Two ski trips to Switzerland; one school trip to Italy; a family trip to Lourdes, France; a family trip to Normandy on June 6, 1984; and a much later ski trip to Garmisch, Germany.   The Garmisch and Normandy trip were day trips, whereas the others were overnight.  I’ve already explained how, even in a sleeper car with a “bunk” the clip-clop of the train prevents much real sleep.   I’ve never been in a sleeper car in the US.

US train travel has been: NYC In summer 1988, a quick trip to Philadelphia in 1992 to drop off legal documents to local counsel in a NJ case; and this most recent trip back up from Fredericksburg.  Thus a 4 hour voyage was the longest I’ve taken on a train in the US.   Like buses, trains have NO security, aside from the conductor who simply makes sure you have a ticket and aren't an overdressed hobo.  You just get on.   No metal detectors, no surly TSA goons, no erotic x-ray machines.   That much I can appreciate.

The train is the oldest form of cross-country travel we have in the US.  It predates the Wright Brothers, Model T’s, commercial aviation and buses.   Even if the cars are brand new with Wi-Fi and electrical outlets, the travel mode itself is nineteenth century.   No matter how new the cars are, they’re not as modern as a jumbo jet, nor as modern as buses, which give a 50s-70s vibe no matter what.   Face it: to Americans, trains are by their nature “old-fashioned.”   Even if you’re commuting to your dot.com job carrying your laptop, you may as well be Harold Hall going to River City, Iowa, in 1912 to scam the locals with a band uniform & equipment sale.

So here’s my advice for Amtrak.   RETRO the trains.   Give us the turn of the century look, on every train, going everywhere.   Commuter train?  Yep.  Sleeper car?  Give us the Pullman look.  Cross-country train – you mean they still have those? – fool us into thinking Butch Cassidy or the Lone Ranger will be making an appearance.   The kids can imagine it’s the Hogwarts Express.  Keep the Wi-Fi and the outlets, keep modern technology under the surface, but please, please, please, give us the retro deal inside.   Hell, you can keep the diesel locomotive and not the steam (Punk) engine, as we really can’t see them when we’re inside the train anyway. 

Bullet trains.  I haven’t been to Japan, so I can’t comment on those.   Nor have I been on the TGV, France’s equivalent.  They sound cool, but the expense of doing that in the US with no guarantee that anyone would ride it more than once, makes it unlikely that we’ll see that here in the US. 

Toy trains.  I suppose I should cover this topic.  My dad loved these, but he couldn’t pass that passion on to my brother or sister, or me.  For that matter, neither my nephew nor my nieces show any interest in this either.   And even if I see a well-built setup, with tunnels, stations, switches, water towers, etc., no matter what the scale, my impression is still nothing more than a bored, “that’s nice.”  

Anchormen

As promised, here is the final piece of the Red-Ass-Burgundy Trilogy.   I imagine if Red 3, Kick-Ass 3, and Anchorman 3 are released, I could combine them all into a single blog.   Anyhow.

Anchorman.   In sunny San Diego, California, the heretofore unchallenged dominance of the alpha male news anchor, Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) and his male colleagues Champ Kind (sports) (David Koechner), Brian Fontana (investigation) (Paul Rudd), and Brick Tamland (weather) (Steve Carrel) is rudely disturbed when a – gasp! – woman, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) joins the crew and quickly challenges Ron’s place by sheer…competence.   Fun and games ensue, including, but not limited to, a conflict with rival news team led by Vince Vaughn, the Spanish language channel (Ben Stiller), and even PBS (Tim Robbins).      

    Eventually Veronica slyly rigs Ron’s abrupt departure and subsequent descent into an abyss of self-pity, but the San Diego Zoo beckons and Ron is summoned back to do what he does best – or at least in a way no one else can.   And there was much rejoicing.  Seth Rogen is here as a PBS cameraman at the zoo scene.

Anchorman 2:  The Legend Continues.   At this time, Ron and Veronica have married, moved to NYC, and have a son, Judah.  They are both anchors at the big network.  Unfortunately, the network head, Mack Tannen (Harrison Ford, in a comedy???) promotes Veronica and fires Ron.  Of course, Ron’s ego can’t handle that, so he leaves the scene for SeaWorld in San Diego – but not for long.  An eccentric Australian media mogul, Kench Allenby (Josh Lawson) taps him to start up a 24 hour news network, so Ron gathers up the former team and brings them to NYC.  By this time Veronica has remarried a stuffy, pompous psychiatrist, Gary (Greg Kinnear).   Did I mention that Ron’s superior is not only a woman, but a black woman (Megan Good)?  Or that he’s not the top anchor, but a poor relation to Rick Lime (James Marsden)?  Or that Brick gets a love interest, Chani (Kristen Wiig), who is just as charmingly stupid as he is? 

   Of course, problems occur again, along with fun and games as well, and it's a different and more wacked out array of fun and games.   Ron loses his eyesight and retreats to a lighthouse.  Yes, for real.  He regains his sight and returns to Manhattan.   Yes, for real.  And we get a final confrontation in the city between multiple news teams – including the BBC (led by Sascha Baron Cohen) and the History Channel.   Just when you think it can’t go any more over the top, it does.   

   The humor is sometimes lowbrow, but nominally so, because Ferrell and his buddies pull it off with such remarkably clever wit that you can’t help but laugh.  In fact, you’ll laugh so hard you’ll forget to be ashamed of any of it.   Enjoy it.  And let’s hope they do make a third movie, because God knows how they’ll top this one.

The Czech Legion

History time again, and yes, WWI is part of the story...again.  And yet again the source of my story is another Osprey Men-At-Arms book, The Czech Legion, written by David Bullock and illustrated by Ramon Bujeiro. 

This also ties into my earlier blog about Austria-Hungary.  The countries we now know of as the Czech Republic and Slovakia, and which from 1919 to recently were bound together as Czechoslovakia (not to be confused with Wisconsin), were during World War I the northern parts of Austria-Hungary.   Bellicose males of military age and inclination and Czech and Slovak ethnic origin who found themselves NOT drafted into the Austro-Hungarian army, realized that a victory of the Central Powers would mean continued subjugation of their lands by Austria-Hungary, whereas an Allied victory would likely mean independence at last.   So with the war in full swing, many volunteered for Allied armies.

In France, the Czech Legion wore French horizon blue uniforms with some Czech/Slovak insignia on their Adrian helmets.  They fought on the Western Front against the Germans, although not in sufficient numbers to cause any strategic impact on that part of the war.

In Italy, the Czech Legion wore the greenish-grey Italian uniforms – also with Adrian helmets - and fought in the Italian Army against the Austrians, way up in the mountains.  Since many Czechs and Slovaks were conscripts in the Austrian army, the Legion hoped to induce desertions from active units as well as recruitment from Austrian POWs.  However, here again the numbers were too small to make any strategic impact on the war in this sector.  In fact, this war was mostly a deadly stalemate until Rommel showed up and won it practically single-handedly – earning his Pour Le Merite (Blue Max) – even if Germany would later lose the war.

In Russia, the Czechs persuaded the Tsar (aka the Czar) to allow them form a larger unit, the Druzhina.  These troops wore Russian uniforms and – you guessed it – Adrian helmets.  Also fighting against Austrians, this unit likewise had the goal of inducing defections from their army.   Unfortunately for the Legion at this point, the Bolshevik Revolution took Russia out of the war and handed Germany a huge victory on the Eastern Front.  Yet again Germany decisively won the war in this theater but still lost the war.

However, the Czech Legion in Russia was not quite done yet.   Before WWI had even ended (November 1918), the Russian Civil War began (January 1918).  The Allies hoped to get the Czechs over to Western Europe now that the Germans were able to swing their whole army westwards to knock out the Allies before the Americans showed up.  The problem was that the Czechs were stranded in the middle of Russia with no way to get west. 

The next bright idea was to have them travel all the way EAST – to Vladivostok – and put them on ships headed back for western Europe.  In fact, the Legion was so large (80,000+ troops), and middle Russia so large and vacant, that the Legion did indeed take large stretches of Russia and its railways, and a few armored trains which they painted colorfully.  The US forces sent to Vladivostok under General Graves – not to be confused with the North Russia expedition – were sent there partly to assist the Czechs, but Graves noted that there weren’t even any ships available at Vladivostok even if the Legion were somehow able to get there, which contributed to his “so what are we doing here?” befuddlement.   Moreover, in November 1918 the war ended, and with that the need for the Czechs to assist in the Western Front battles. 

Politically, the Czechs had no “dog in the fight” in the battle between the Reds and Whites, neither officially nor as a practical matter, thus amidst a bloody civil war there was a huge neutral army trapped inside with no compelling reason to support one side or the other.  Thus the unit made deals with the Whites or the Bolsheviks as the local conditions dictated.  Ultimately the Bolsheviks allowed them passage to Vladivostok and they finally left, returning by sea and forming the nucleus of Czechoslovakia’s army, though not before assisting the Hungarians in putting down their Red uprising.   And there was much rejoicing….   

The Time of the Hawklords

Music and science fiction meet in this semi-fun 70s novel by Michael Moorcock and Michael Butterworth.  Moorcock seems to disavow his role writing this book – perhaps out of embarrassment – but if it was Butterworth’s writing, he did an excellent job of copying Moorcock’s style.

The “classic” lineup of Hawkwind from the mid-70s is here, albeit with slightly alternate identities: Baron Brock (Dave Brock), Thunder Rider (Nik Turner), Count Motorhead (Lemmy, generally referred to as Lemmy anyway), Lord Rudolph the Black (Paul Rudolph), The Hound Master (Sandor Clegane….er… Simon King, drummer), The Sonic Prince (Simon House, keyboardist), Earth Mother (Stacia, though generally simply referred to as Stacia), Astral Al (Alan Powell), Liquid Len (Jonathan Smeeton), Captain Calvert (Bob Calvert), The Acid Sorceror (Moorcock), and Actonium Doug (Doug Smith).  Remarkably, they all have fairly equal roles, though Calvert is a late arrival to the story.  All are portrayed fairly sympathetically.   Sorry to disappoint, but Stacia does not have sex with anyone.

A mysterious death ray is weakening and killing the remaining population of London and the rest of the planet, which appears to be in a state of post-capitalist decay, though no signs of nuclear holocaust, more like simply the inevitable cumulative effect of decades of wanton abuse of the planet by the usual neglect by the thoughtless modern society.  Hawkwind’s music, when played live, has the effect of countering the ray’s effects, but only temporarily, and the band can’t play continuously – even with the usual expected array of chemical assistance.  

The “straights” and establishment authority figures are immune to the death ray and adversely affected by Hawkwind’s music – so much so that the band develops “music guns” to protect themselves.  The forces of evil, such as they are, are led by Mephis; uncertain as to whether he’s simply the most powerful “straight” or an actual devil or demon.  Moreover, it turns out that the band members are in fact reincarnations of previous champions from ancient times – does this sound familiar, Elric readers? – with special powers, i.e. Hawklords, even Stacia herself.   For his part, Mephis does seem to have similar powers, so maybe he was a “devil.”  Anyhow.

Ultimately the story winds down to a climactic battle between the Hawklords and their lesser allies vs. Mephis and his legions of soldiers and straights.  It’s 60% “classic Moorcock” and 40% Hawkwind, so I’d say the mix is fairly well done.  However, I can’t say the story is compelling enough to appeal to anyone who isn’t a Hawkwind fan.  On the other hand, if you’re a Hawkwind fan AND a fan of Moorcock, I can’t see any compelling reason NOT to read this story.  It’s not very long, it’s fairly easy to read, and as moderately enjoyable as any of Moorcock’s other fiction.