Solutions

It’s time for another blog on more esoteric topics than movies, books, or music.   In this case, it’s a “meaningless corporate buzzword” (MCB), “solutions”.   I picked this one because it bothers me the most, but also because it’s the one most likely to be inflicted on the public at large and not just the poor drones at Initech.

Why do I dislike it?  Well, it’s deliberately vague.  “Solution”.  To what?   Presumably to problems.  What problems?  Most businesses can simply claim, “we sell a quality product or service at a reasonable price.”  What’s wrong with that?  Fairly straightforward and honest, right?  But the company barking “solutions” is claiming, we do better than that: we have “solutions”.   Huh?  Solutions to what?  Storage problems?  Staffing problems?  Business problems?  So vague, in fact, as to be meaningless. 

I don’t know who came up with this stupid expression, but I’ll venture a guess.  Either it was a New Age type who knew that New Agery doesn’t pay the mortgage, so he/she/it had to get a real job, but couldn’t simply accept bland, grey flannel, Don Draper corporate culture at face value.  No, this clown had to New Age the business so he/she/it would be nice and comfy, and New Age the crap out of everyone else too.

Or it may have been some consultant.  In “Dilbert”, Dogbert – the cynical little dog – explains that “consult” is a combination of “con” (as in, con artist) and “insult”.  The consultant in fact cheats the company out of $$$, as well as insulting them and their intelligence.  This Harold Hill type came into town – the Two Bobs, right? – and gave a slick spiel about “solutions”, after which the pointy haired bosses ate it up.  Now we’re stuck with it:  bosses, employees, and the general public.

Either way, it’s annoying.  Really annoying.  Remember George Carlin, the comedian?  I suppose he was somewhat liberal, somewhat anti-authoritarian.  But above all he was anti-bullshit.  Because the primary purpose of bullshit seems to be to lie, so that that someone can use, cheat, steal, rob, or exploit you.  So a company that deliberately uses a vague, meaningless term when interfacing with the general public is essentially saying that, as a matter of principle, its corporate philosophy is to be deliberately misleading.

Might I suggest that we boycott any company that uses “solutions” in its literature, advertising, and certainly its corporate name.  Boycott bullshit.