Blondes

I haven’t discussed women in some time.  I guess I’m overdue to address the topic once more.  In this case, it’s blondes.

My preference is for brunettes.  The darker the hair, the better, which is why I’ve dated Asians.  Come to think of it, “blonde” necessarily means “white”, because – hair coloring notwithstanding – few black or Asian women come equipped with blonde hair.  And I can’t say that blonde hair is such a huge benefit such that black or Asian women should feel compelled (except out of sheer boredom) to try being a blonde. 

Obviously I can’t comment on ALL blonde women, so I’ll keep my analysis brief.  The list is NOT exhaustive.

Kate Upton.  This woman is as noticeable for her….assets…as her hair color.  She could be any color and we’d still lose our tongues rolling to the ground, Tex Avery style.  But she still counts.

Scarlett Johansson.  Nowadays she’s more of a redhead as Black Widow, but still scrumptious anyway.  Check her out in “Vicky Christina Barcelona”, or – if you’re inclined to see her as a nude, slightly out of shape brunette, “Under The Skin”.

Emily Wickersham.  I was watching “NCIS” at the gym, and saw this girl “Bishop”, with the dark eyebrows and killer smile.  If she’s on the screen, I can’t take my eyes off her.  I haven’t seen her in anything else, though she has been busy. 

Marilyn Monroe.  The original.  In “The Seven Year Itch” she’s highly provocative, tempting poor Tom Ewell whose wife is away on vacation.  You can’t tell whether she means to tease him or just does so by nature. 

Helen Mirren.  Still a fox, but she was definitely HOT HOT HOT in “The Age of Consent”, a 1969 film with James Mason.  She plays a young Australian girl who swims around half naked and poses nude for Mason’s character, an artist. 

Amanda Seyfried.  I liked her in “Mama Mia” and look forward to seeing her in “Ted 2”.

Reese Witherspoon.  Pretty, but not hot.  She has her moments.

Pamela Anderson.  “NO TO MAKE HAND PARTY WITH PAMELA!”  No, she didn’t marry Borat.

Christina Applegate.  Or Alicia Silverstone?  I get them mixed up.

Jenny McCarthy.  Cousin of Melissa McCarthy.  JMcC doesn’t seem to do much except be hot.  I prefer her as a brunette, though.

Britney Spears.  Still desirable, though in a kind of white-trashy way. 

Sofia Vergara & Emma Stone.  Remarkably, both women are natural blondes, but almost never portray blondes on screen.  Vergara usually plays brunettes as – for some reason – us Americans can’t fathom a blonde Latina (they do exist).  Vergara is hotter now than she was when she was younger.  What makes her irresistible is this ability to laugh at herself (which Carrie Fisher has as well). 

            Stone found she got more work as a redhead, though she went natural in “Birdman”. 

Dumb blondes?  I haven’t known any blondes to be any dumber than brunettes or redheads, nor is there any reason why hair color would have any effect on intellect.  If so, could a woman improve her intelligence by changing her hair color?  Doubtful.

War of the Triple Alliance 1864-70

Time for another Obscure War!

I had mentioned this earlier in passing during my blog on the Chaco War (1932-35) between Bolivia and Paraguay.   It’s addressed not only in Stupid Wars: A Citizen’s Guide to Botched Putsches, Failed Coups, Inane Invasions, and Ridiculous Revolutions, by Ed Strosser and Michael Prince, but also a more recent Osprey Men-At-Arms publication, Armies of the War of the Triple Alliance: Paraguay, Brazil, Uruguay & Argentina, by Gabriele Esposito, illustrated by Giuseppe Rava. 

Lasting from 1864 to 1870, this was South America’s biggest and bloodiest war.  It destroyed Paraguay for generations, convinced the other powers to modernize their armies, and indirectly led to Brazil becoming a republic and Argentina finally coalescing into a stable country.

Paraguay.  Landlocked (like Bolivia), this little country wanted more.  Its dictator, Francisco Solano Lopez (upper left), not only had ambition on his own, but was stoked by his Irish mistress-whore, Eliza Lynch, to conquer South America. 

Brazil.  Led by Emperor Dom Pedro II, and with a very good general, Luis Alves de Lima e Silva, better known as the Duke of Caxias (upper right).  The Brazilians were caught off guard initially, but quickly rallied. 

Argentina.  At this time Argentina was fairly unstable, but a leader emerged.  I’d seen his name in Rio de Janeiro, Ave. Bartolomeu Mitre (Leblon & Gavea) and sure enough BM (lower left) did most of the leading of Argentina through this endeavor. 

Uruguay.  This country was divided between “Colorados” (modern, pro-democracy) and “Blancos” (more indigenous and reactionary) factions.  Paraguay supported the incumbent Blancos, while Brazil supported the rebel Colorados, led by Venancio Flores Barrio (lower right).  When the two factions had a meltdown in late 1864, Brazil invaded to support its favorites.  This led Lopez to attack Brazil and Argentina.

Start.  As noted, events in Uruguay encouraged Lopez to attack.  He invaded Mato Grosso in Brazil, which was sparsely populated and poorly defended, thus he was able to take “huge…tracts of land” plus cattle, ammunition, and weapons.  Having done so, most of the Paraguayans went home, leaving garrison forces to be wiped away (when the Brazilians got around to it…) by a Brazilian campaign in 1868. 

Lopez also invaded the Corrientes province of Argentina, that male-member shaped part of Argentina which separates Paraguay from Brazil’s most southern state, Rio Grande do Sul.  The Argentine army was not particularly well organized, and not anywhere near Corrientes, so Paraguay was able to quickly occupy this area and capture 2 of Argentina’s three warships. (D’oh!)

Lopez got an early jump, but he succeeded in pissing off the Brazilians, Argentines, and Uruguayans so much that they put aside their own differences – a big rivalry between Brazil and Argentina which persists to this day, although now playing out on the soccer field – and join together to take down Lopez. 

It was personal.

Remarkably, despite a Brazilian civil war several decades earlier in which Rio Grande do Sul tried to secede from Brazil, the gauchos of that district remained loyal to Dom Pedro II – and volunteered in good numbers.  

Navy.  Despite being landlocked, naval operations played a big role in this war.  With little or no railroads, roads, or infrastructure in much of this territory, river traffic became the easiest and quickest means of transportation.  The rivers in question, the Paraguay and Parana, were quite deep and wide here, which allowed full ocean-going vessels to navigate them.  On June 11, 1865, at the Battle of Riachuelo, the Brazilians decisively defeated the Paraguayan fleet.  From then on, the Brazilian fleet was able to navigate the Paraguay River.  The Paraguayans had fortified the banks with several strong forts, though, so it became a matter of successively dispatching each fort in turn. 

Remember the Maine, the US ship which blew up in Cuba in 1898?  That ship was built in response to a Brazilian dreadnaught, the Riachuelo, which scared the hell out of us.  Now you know how that ship was named.

Tuyuti.  This was a big battle in May 1866, down at the corner of Paraguay where the Parana and Paraguay rivers split off, in which the Paraguayans attacked a large force of Brazilians, Argentines and Uruguayans.  Despite their aggressiveness – and excellent cavalry – the Paraguayans were defeated at huge cost, and permanently on the defensive from that point on. 

Unfortunately for the Allies, they followed this up with a doomed attack on the Paraguayans up the Paraguay River at Curupayti in September 1866.  While knocked onto the defensive, the Paraguayans proved effective and skillful at defending themselves against a poorly planned Allied attack.  This loss set the Allies back enough to delay further offensives for a full year.

During this time, Duke de Caxias consolidated and reformed the Brazilian forces, while Lopez built up his huge fortress at Humaita, the “Paraguayan Sevastapol” (also on the Paraguay River), which protected the Paraguyan capital, Asuncion, from attack.  Taking a page from Grant’s successful campaign at Vicksburg (summer 1863), Caxias did an end run around the fortress and outflanked it.  Combined with Brazilian naval bombardment, the fort was overcome by July 1868, freeing the Brazilians to continue onward up the Paraguay River to Asuncion, which fell to the Brazilians on January 1, 1869. 

By this time, with the war pushed onto Paraguayan soil, the Uruguayans and Argentines dropped out of the war, leaving the Brazilians to press on – out of personal animosity of Dom Pedro II for Lopez.  Once Asuncion had fallen, Lopez ran off with the remnants of his army – by now mostly boys and old men - into Cerro Cora, in northeast Paraguay.  In March 1870 the Brazilians overran his camp.  Lopez was killed (“I die with my country” were his last words), and the Brazilians made Eliza Lynch – who had, remarkably, accompanied Lopez into internal exile – dig his grave.    

Uniforms.  At this point in history, the dark blue sack coat seems to be a popular choice of uniform.  Variations: the French uniform (up to 1914), the US Civil War sack coat, and the Prussian coat, which changed to field grey shortly before World War I.  This style also prevailed among the belligerents of this war, though with several variations:

Paraguay:  red sack coats, white pants, and a tricolor (red/white/blue) shako, with officers frequently wearing a blue kepi.  The Paraguayan cavalry was top notch and acted as elite shock troops.  They tended to have higher morale than the infantry and kept the Allies off-guard with counterattacks.  Lopez stood by his “the best defense is a good offense” and was consistently aggressive, though it didn’t always work (Tuyuti). 

Brazil.  This country actually took Portugal as a default and veered off from there.  They started with dark green, changed to dark blue, and by 1868 had switched to “duck”, a cream color, with a straw hat.  The cavalry, particularly units raised locally (Mato Grosso and Rio Grande do Sul) had a strong “gaucho” (South American cowboy) look to them which was distinctive but also practical.  The picture on the upper right, labelled “Exercito Brasileiro” (Brazilian Army) shows a very Union flavor to the contemporary Brazilian army.

            Moreover, a substantial part of Brazil’s military forces were volunteers from various states.  Like the US and CSA units, they frequently had specific and unique uniforms.  Because of Garibaldi’s involvement in the prior civil war in Rio Grande do Sul, many were “Garibaldi” type units and uniforms, particularly of Italian immigrants, with red shirts, red kepis, and green pants. 

Argentina.  More with the dark uniforms and kepis, closest to the US Civil War uniform, although copied mostly from the French dark blue uniforms of the time. 

Uruguay.  Mostly blue, then white, taking the French contemporary uniforms as a basis.  Two units, the Florida Battalion (Uruguay’s elite troops) and the Volunteers of Liberty, had distinctive uniforms.     

Zoauves.  Remember those US Civil War units inspired by French North African troops?  Well, the Brazilians (Zouaves de Bahia) and Argentines (Legion Militar) had them too.  In fact, slavery was still legal in Brazil at this time, and many slaves fought in the Brazilian militias in an effort to gain their freedom. 

Weapons.  The Brazilians managed to get hold of some Sharps repeaters for their cavalry, which helped the Brazilian gauchos fight back against their Paraguayan counterparts.  The British Pattern 1853 Enfield, a muzzle-loading rifle which got its start in the Crimean War and was featured in the US Civil War, was Brazil’s main infantry rifle.  The Argentines and Uruguayans also used this rifle, so it could be considered the standard Allied rifle as well.  The Paraguayans typically used older muskets and the blockades prevented them from importing any more modern weapons. 

Aftermath.  As noted above, the high casualties and major problems all belligerents suffered made the various countries reconsider their militaries after the war and import European advisors.  As with the Civil War, this was another bloody conflict in which most soldiers died of disease than actual combat wounds.

            Paraguay lost almost half its territory to Brazil and Argentina, though Brazil rejected Argentina’s suggestion to divide the entire country between them.  It also lost over half its population, and the majority of its male population, leading to a 4-1 ratio of women to men.  The war was expensive for Brazil and helped encourage them to abolish slavery, which they did in 1888.  Thanks to Lopez, the Argentines finally got their act together and stabilized their politics by 1880, resulting in a much stronger, prosperous country.  The war also solidified the Colorados’ control of Uruguay for the next 80 years.  So in other words, the war which Paraguay started and the Triple Alliance ended was good for everyone except Paraguay.  

Paris Nuggets

When I listen to early Iron Maiden, or Bon Scott era AC/DC, I remember one particular “nugget” of Paris, France: a record store on George V called Nuggets.   Somehow I doubt it’s there anymore, but I remember it fondly.   I bought AC/DC’s High Voltage (US/European version) from there, and I recall an Iron Maiden display in the entrance windows.  It wasn’t nearly as large as FNAC, nor as claustrophobic as other record stores in Paris.  The prices were reasonable, and they had lots of other stuff – as you might find in a FYE in the US these days.

While I’m on the topic of Paris, I might as well bring up other issues, though not the Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, the Champs Elysees, the Louvre or any other tourist locations.

Roscoe’s.   This was a dingy bar a few blocks off the Champs Elysees.  I have to admit I never went there when we were still going to the American School of Paris, but I certainly went there while back in Paris during college: the drinking age in Paris is something low like 14.  We could usually expect to run into a fair amount of ASP alumni there.   I exclusively drank Heineken there.

The Marine House.   Around the corner from Roscoe’s was the Marine House, on Boetie.  We went to a few parties there, and I worked in the building, the RAMC department, in summer 1989.  It has a small café on the ground floor, but for lunch we’d have to go to the cafeteria at the Embassy – not too far to walk – or simply eat something at McDonalds or Burger King on the Champs Elysees.   I had to laugh about bringing our friend John Ellis here after he graduated from Boston University – and ROTC.  Since the highest ranking Marine was the commanding sergeant, 2LT Ellis (newly minted) outranked the entire Marine detachment. 

Neuilly Compound.  The US Embassy had two apartment complexes on the west side of town.  This one, next to the Bois de Boulogne, on Rue de la Ferme (“Farm Street” – no farm there anymore) had two four story buildings and a playground.  We lived here from February 1979 to March 1984.

Boulogne Compound.   When my parents swung by this place, I was amazed:  I had no idea it existed.  The same types of buildings, except 3 three story buildings.  The Marines would host Fourth of July parties there during the summer, which was our main reason to go there.  We also trick-or-treated there for Halloween (in addition to doing so earlier at our home compound).

Clignancourt.   North central Paris, right inside the Peripherique (Paris’ Beltway) is this huge outdoor flea market.  My initial quest going there was trying to find – with zero success – a WWI German pickelhaube.  Instead we discovered it was a great place to score heavy metal t-shirts and patches.  They also sold back issues of porno mags and US letter jackets for the French teenagers to wear – for some reason, looking like a 50’s US teenager was in style for some time.

La Defense & Les Quatre Temps.   La Defense is a big network of skyscrapers west of Paris.   Nestled underneath, along with a huge RER and SNCF station, is a mall: Les Quatre Temps.  Not exactly identical to a US mall, but it was close enough.  A small record store, a big toy store, a Cafeteria Casino, and much more.

Puteaux.   This was an outdoor swimming pool within walking distance of the Neuilly compound.  It had a high diving board, and you could also rent large inner tubes.  After running off the high dive a few times, we’d relax in the inner tubes.

Courbevoie.  Up northwest of Paris, this had a small mall, a pool, and a bowling alley.  I recall getting firecrackers there once. 

Le Vesinet & Abbe Pierre.  The latter was a huge flea market with a river of broken toilets and pottery.  If you were looking for a used toilet or all kinds of stuff, you might find it here.  I can’t remember what my parents bought here, but it was nothing that interested me.   Out further, at Le Vesinet, was an English bookstore, Tridias.  I believed we went to a Casino supermarket in Le Peq.

Sunday Brunch.   Our Catholic family went to mass at St. Joseph’s, on Ave.  Hoche right off the Etoile.  After church, we’d go somewhere.  First was a McDonald’s near a Rex Theater, which had a video arcade next to it.  This McDonald’s was a first generation greasy spoon, with horrendous green fries, greasy tables, and flies.  The arcade was cleaner.   Second was brunch at the American Legion, a few blocks off the Champs Elysees.  My dad was like Rod Swanson, a big breakfast enthusiast.  But bacon, eggs, and orange juice were not my scene.  Third was breakfast at Burger King, right on the Champs, with a visit to the video arcade next door.  That one had Pacman, Space Invaders, Galaxian, and Rolling Thunder.  

Canada Rocks

Our friends upstairs, in the Great White North, haven’t been content to give their bigger, more arrogant neighbors to the south – or their cousins across the ocean - a monopoly on good music.  While a few bark out loudest, I’ll also review the B-list.  I can’t really comment on the rest, but they’re out there.

Rush.  Easily the biggest, at least in my humble opinion.  Bassist-singer Geddy Lee’s voice takes some getting used to, but it is distinctive and not unpleasant.  Unusually for most drummers (guys who “hit things with sticks”), Neil Peart actually writes lyrics, and even wrote a few books.  However, guitarist Alex Lifeson is adamant about replicating his solos note for note, so a Rush concert is basically hearing the studio versions faithfully reproduced. 

            Arising from Toronto in 1968, they quickly shed both drummer John Rutsey (RIP) and their initial Led Zeppelin influence in 1974 with Peart’s addition, to veer off into Ayn Rand prog territory, peaking that era with a prog-rock masterpiece, 2112.  Although that album is my favorite Fly By Night, Caress of Steel, A Farewell to Kings, Hemispheres and Permanent Waves are also top quality.  While Hemispheres (side 1) can be a bit tedious and pretentious, “Trees” and “Villa Strangiato” on side 2 make this album a must-have for Rush fans.

            After 1981’s Moving Pictures, though, the band settled into a skinny tie, techno-rock mediocrity of stellar musicianship and talent with zero passion; that album was not only my introduction to the band back in the early 80s, but also the last Rush album I listen to with any regularity.  Listening to anything from Signals to Clockwork Angels is like digesting a textbook for coursework, not music to be enjoyed.  I’ve seen them in concert a few times (the first tour being the Hold Your Fire tour) and they are much more interesting live than on record, even if they never jam or improvise.  2112 got a full treatment a few years back, but Fly By Night and Caress of Steel get scant attention.  Their 60s-retro-covers album, Feedback, was enjoyable, but then they weren’t doing their own material.

Triumph.  Starting in the late 70s and continuing through the 80s before disbanding – guitarist Rik Emmett still tours and plays Triumph material, albeit in small clubs – this band is more straight up rock and roll.  As Emmett himself said, “I’m a Les Paul-though-a-Marshall kind of guy”.  Drummer Gil Moore also sang; bassist Mike Levine just played the bass, well enough.  Thunder Seven is probably their top album, with Never Surrender a close second.  Stages is a good double live album with an impressive set.  I saw them in concert, front row seats at the Patriot Center on 10/31/86 with Yngwie (who?) Malmsteen opening.  Great show! 

Max Webster.  Led by singer-guitarist Kim Mitchell, this band could be the Canadian Blue Oyster Cult: blending commercial sound with offbeat lyrics and quirky sense of humor, but just enough heavy guitar to give it some balls.  They have 5 albums: Max Webster, High Class in Borrowed Shoes, Mutiny Up My Sleeve, Million Vacations, and Universal Juveniles, of which I have the first three.  I got the first one in Ottawa back in 1991, suffering an appropriate “Hangover” the day after overindulging in 7-8 Canadian (full-strength) Labatt Blues.  They used to open for Rush, and were good friends of theirs, but disbanded in the early 80s.  Kim Mitchell continues a modest music career and radio DJ work.

The rest:  I have some familiarity with the rest, even if they can’t qualify as being as important – in my mind – as the foregoing.

Anvil.   I’d call them a NWOBHM band, except they’re Canadian.  “Lips” Ludlow is their singer/guitarist.  Their sound is standard 80s metal, more on the Judas Priest side than hair metal side.  They have a recent documentary which is Spinal Tap-esque, which makes it even more tragic because it’s all true, not just Rob Reiner’s fanciful comedic rock story.

Black Mountain.  I consider them a stoner rock band, very similar to Crippled Black Phoenix (if you know who they are).  Good, but not everyone’s can of Molson.

Jeff Healey.   A blind slide guitarist – he did a good cover of “When a Blind Man Cries” by Deep Purple.  He’s also featured in the Patrick Swayze movie, “Roadhouse”.  He died back in 2008.

Frank Marino & Mahogany Rush.  Marino is one of those Robin Trower & Uli Jon Roth guys who jam extensively with a very strong Jimi Hendrix vibe.  His concerts – I’ve seen him twice – are 2+ hours of nonstop soloing, which is good if that’s what you’re into.  His studio material seems to be an effort to expand Hendrix’s catalog beyond the three albums he did in his lifetime. 

sHeavy.  I read a guy named Toby Manning refer to Mostly Autumn as “de facto Pink Floyd cover band, even if they deny it.”  You could consider sHeavy as a de facto Black Sabbath cover band, and I’d doubt they’d take much offense to that, much less deny it.  Their original material is indistinguishable from Ozzy era Black Sabbath, and vocalist Steve Hennessey does Ozzy’s voice spot on – so much so that some people hear sHeavy and honestly believe they’re hearing some long-lost Sabbath material.  They don’t seem to tour (!!!) and I saw a live video of them in concert, half of the band looking like they have day jobs and can’t tour.  Anyhow.  If the 8 original Black Sabbath albums with Ozzy are wearing thin, and you want to hear more, by all means indulge in sHeavy.  Electric Sleep being a good start.

Voivod.  From Montreal, Voivod are Canada’s top thrash band. I have their album The Outer Limits, which has an awesome 3D design with glasses. They are talented and smart prog-thrash, and even covered Pink Floyd twice: “Astronomy Domine” and “The Nile Song”. 

Neil Young.   I could never get into Neil Young; the only album I have is Harvest.  If you can’t break out of your blues-box rut, I suppose you’re in Neil Young territory.  He’s undeniably honest and down to earth, and rocks hard enough, but his stuff is material you cite to make yourself look smart.  Kinda like Rush.

Honorable (?) mentions.   Clearly there are more than these.  Helix is a band we got on vinyl (for free) and listened to once (the same stash that got us Defenders of the Faith and Y&T); they get a mention by Ricky of “Trailer Park Boys” as the band he prefers over Rush.  Anyone who’s ever heard “Born to Be Wild” knows who Steppenwolf is.  Loverboy was an AOR band from the 80s which I never paid much attention to while they were around.  Thor?  Gives me the impression of a guy who is actually more talented than his image would imply, but I never delved into his music.  Finally, we all know and dislike Nickelback and Avril Lavigne.   I suppose we can’t be too hard on Celine Dion, but she definitely isn’t “rock”. 

Great White North.  Anyone familiar with SCTV recalls Bob & Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas), the pair of egregiously Canadian guys spouting “hoser” and “eh” to mock the CBC’s bizarre requirement for “Canadian” programming, whatever that is.  “Monday Night Curling” and “Magnum: Prince Edward Island” were other brief comedic efforts in that direction by the SCTV gang.  But the point is valid: how do make “Canadian” music?  Remarkably, with all this Canadian music, none of it gives off any particularly Canadian flavor.  Rush sing about “Trees”, but we have trees and communists here in the US.  I suppose “Toronto Tontos” could be a Canadian reference.