Catholic Churches

As you may be aware, I’ve been zipping around to different churches, all Catholic.   In Falls Church, Virginia, the main two I go to are St Thomas More, which is the cathedral for the diocese of Arlington, and St. Anthony of Padua, which is a bit closer, just down Route 7 in a muito amigo zone.  In Fort Lee, NJ, it’s Madonna.  New Jersey’s diocese is based in Newark, so I’ll have to check out the cathedral there, and while I’ve been to St. Patrick’s in Manhattan, I’ve never been there for mass.

Of course the big daddy is St. Peter’s in Rome.   That’s a bit too far to go just for Sunday mass.  When I did visit Rome in 1981 on a school trip, we visited St. Peter’s, but did not actually attend mass there, nor did we meet Pope John Paul II.   The church bells for St. Peter’s are timed and sound exactly like the intro to “Hell’s Bells.”  AC/DC went to the source! 

The closest thing around here is the Shrine over by Catholic University, which is very fancy and even a bit Byzantine in architecture.  It also has a cafeteria and gift shop.  I should try to get over there more often.

Format.   Cross.   You would think ALL churches have this format, but it seems only the oldest and biggest even bother.   This is my favorite.  It’s super churchy, you know what I mean?  Jesus is IN THE HOUSE.

T.   This could also be considered a “headless cross”.  That is, a headless cross is really just a T.   Imagine that Black Sabbath album considerably simplified:  T, with Tony Martin.  Title track: “at the T….!”   Doesn’t work as well.  Anyhow.   A close relative of the cross.  Not too bad.

Box.  Ok, now we’re getting more like a club with seating.  Either you’re a small one room church from the 1700 or 1800s, or you just gave up. 

Amphitheater.   Sort of like a big clamshell.  St. Anthony of Padua has this one, as does St. Timothy in Centreville.  This strikes me as the least traditional format, and more like a regular, secular venue for music and events.  They copied Merriweather Post Pavilion.

Pews.   The older churches have plain wooden benches.  The newer ones have padded cushions.   That makes it easier to nap during the homily.

Wine?  I’m baffled that this isn’t standard.  I take the wine, every time it’s offered.  Just a sip.  Is it my imagination, or is the proportion of the congregation opting for the wine mostly female?  Looks that way to me.  

 

Homily.  I wish I had my Dad’s former homilies from the late 50s and early 60s.  I’m sure he wasn’t nearly as dull as 90% of the priests operating on Sunday.   I realize that when you’re dealing with a narrow range of subject matter – God, Jesus, sin, etc. – and a limited source of inspiration – the same Gospels we’ve been hearing for the last 2000 years - I suppose not every priest can be as riveting or exciting as Joel Osteen.   But so many fall so short.  I use this time to contemplate my own situation and ascertain what I should be thankful for, and what I should pray for.   How to improve, etc.  That is, if I’m awake.

There was ONE notable exception.  At St. Thomas More, the priest responsible for paying the bills might give the sermon.  Then you knew the topic:  COUGH UP, people.  “This A/C isn’t cheap!  It didn’t come from Jesus!  Open your wallets, people!  And we need a new roof.  The second envelope is for that.”

Peace Be With You.  This is late in the mass, leading up to communion.  Everyone shakes hands and tells each other “peace be with you”, a gracious benediction to the fellow strangers, all presumably fellow Catholics, attending mass with you.  To their credit, most people, even small children, are eager and happy to do so.  The challenge is figuring out how to coordinate 360 degrees with various people, even crossing arms.  It’s a mess, but we get it done.

However, a remarkable segment remain shy and reticent.  Tax collectors!  Sinners in our midst!  Maybe even lepers!  I had one woman pissed because I dropped the kneeler on her foot when prayer & kneeling time came around.  She didn’t forget that.  No “peace be with you” from her.  She couldn’t wait for mass to end to be vengeful and unforgiving.    

Guess the Accent.   Maybe I’m in the wrong churches, but I’m not hearing any Irish, Italian, or even Polish priests.   There’s a basic group of generic American priests, and then there’s the ethnic priest with a weird accent.   Philippines?  Senegal?  Vietnam?  Nicaragua?  Mexico?   A priest from some country that used to be a colony of a European country that’s mainly Catholic.   That means France, Spain, Portugal (overseas colonies of Poland?  Huh?).   A history lesson when you attend mass. 

Sometimes I’ve actually opted out of English mass.  Due to scheduling, I went to a Spanish mass, at St. Anthony of Padua, which was PACKED.  And the priest’s sermon was much better at keeping the congregation awake than the English speaking priest.  No one was dozing off, they were all glued.  Spanish is close enough to Portuguese that I could pick it up if I was sufficiently motivated.  Apparently not.  Also, out of idle curiosity, I went to the Vietnamese church nearby.  Of course the whole thing was in Vietnamese (what’s his accent? Saigon? Hue? Hanoi?).   But I knew when to say the Our Father, which I said in English.  The homily was scarcely less intelligible. 

Years ago we attended a Latin mass over by Paterson, NJ.  You would think that’s simple enough because the Latin parts are the standard parts.  But this had a different format which had me lost completely.  If my Dad were around he could explain whether the format changed when they switched to vernacular (a change I knew he didn’t agree with, but of course he wasn’t the Pope).  Anyhow.