The GRATEFUL TOOL

My topic for today had been aesthetics, but it looks like the release of Fear Inoculum, the fifth and latest TOOL album, and my receipt thereof as normally scheduled for 8/30 (thank God!), has provided me with a compelling topic.   In particular, the behavior of TOOL fans in the days leading up to the release brought to mind another fan base, that of the Grateful Dead.

Both bands have a fairly rabid base of fans who often behave irrationally, sometimes to the point of fanaticism.   With Jerry Garcia’s passing in 1995 the fervor over the older band has subsided.  With the exception of bassist Phil Lesh, the oldest surviving member, who is apparently too old to tour these days, the remaining members Bobby Weir (guitar and vocals), Bill Kreutzmann (drums) and Mickey Hart (percussion) accompanied by John Mayer, continue to tour without releasing new material.   I’ve seen a few shows and the fan base appears to be 70% old enough to have seen the band back with Jerry Garcia in 1995 or earlier.   Myself, I managed to see the band in 1992 and 1995, catching the very tail end of the original era, then a few more times more recently after the band reunited after Garcia’s death to play again. 

TOOL don’t have cursed keyboardists (Ron “Pigpen” McKiernan, Keith Godchaux, or Brent Mydland) and only one personnel change, original bassist Paul D’Amour replaced by current bassist Justin Chancellor around the time of the second album, Aenima.   The remainder of the band is charismatic frontman Maynard James Keenan (aka “MJK”), guitarist Adam Jones, and drummer Danny Carey.  Albums #1, 3 and 4 are Undertow, Lateralus, and 10,000 Days, plus EPs Salival and Opiate, partially live.  As my meme notes, TOOL do not have a proper live album as such.  By way of comparison, Clutch, who have been around the same length of time as TOOL, have put out 12 studio albums between Transnational Speedway League (1993) and Book of Bad Decisions (2018). 

Both bands give a unique live experience.  The Dead play two full 90 minute sets with a 30 minute intermission, and its famous “Drums/Space” jam with Kreutzmann and Hart is in the second set.  Every set is completely different, and you might even hear covers.  The light show is nice but not as impressive as TOOL’s.

TOOL sets are 80% the same night by night with 2-3 slots changing up.  With only 4 albums to choose from, and a principled objection to playing covers, the repertoire is limited.  The Dead had 13 studio albums from 1967 (self-titled) to 1990 (Without a Net), some of them effectively live albums, and a fair amount of covers thrown in. 

Maynard affects weird stage costumes which are mostly wasted as he sings in back of the stage, next to Carey, in darkness.  The band are overshadowed by their elaborate Alex Grey imagery behind them, which melts sound and vision together into an organic whole.   Both bands are strongly associated with not merely cannabis but also Hofmann/Sandoz inspired psychedelics, but such substances are helpful but not necessary to enjoy the experience of the live spectacle or the music itself.

Musically I’d describe the Grateful Dead as country music made by hippies with an infinite supply of LSD.  Oddly, country music fans don’t seem to like the Dead and vice versa.  Thanks to lyricist Robert Hunter, the words are more along the lines of Blue Oyster Cult than Blake Shelton.  TOOL are more like Pink Floyd morphed into as heavy as they could possibly be – David Gilmour pumped with steroids.  But unlike many of their peers, TOOL have a singer, Maynard, who ACTUALLY SINGS.  Yes, Cookie Monster is not in this band. 

Sadly, the fans of each can, as noted above, be somewhat obtuse.  With TOOL currently touring and putting out new material – as glacial as that now seems to be, with 13 years separating 10k Days and Fear Inoculum – the TOOL crowd is far more front and center than the Dead fans are. 

Maynard vs. Jerry.   Garcia was really non-objectionable.  Both had side projects:   MJK has A Perfect Circle and Puscifer, both of which go in one ear and out the other.  Garcia had the Jerry Garcia Band, who I saw in 1991 before even seeing the Dead themselves.  Maynard can be somewhat arrogant at times.  He runs a vineyard, produces a wine – Caduceus, which I haven’t bothered to overpay for as I’m not a wine fanatic – and loves guns, which doesn’t bother me.  To hear TOOL fans talk, though, Jones, Chancellor and Carey are session musicians who guest on TOOL albums to help out Maynard.  

I’d say the #1 fault of Deadheads is only listening to the Dead.   I was at a Dark Star Orchestra (DSO – one of the top Dead tribute bands) show at the 9:30 Club in DC wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and got a dirty look.  At the very least, Dead fans should listen to Pink Floyd.  Beyond that I can’t say that Deadheads are annoying enough to draw too much negative attention to the band itself.  Actually, Garcia himself said in a Playboy interview that the band is apolitical by nature and Republicans can listen and come to the shows.   Can’t imagine Trump at a Dead & Company show.  Or at a TOOL show, for that matter. 

I’m a member of the TOOL Army, but only joined recently and only got into the band when 10,000 Days came out and the band voiced its support for King Crimson.  All four shows I saw were 10K Days tour shows.   The fans can be a little pretentious, to say the least, like latter day Beatles fans.  The biggest issue I have is the fans who didn’t wait for 8/30, didn’t order the expensive, fancy Fear Inoculum package, illegally downloaded the album and were bursting forth with their reviews of it.   Yes, those of us who waited felt a little superior – rightfully so.

Revision 9/1/19.  As of now I’ve been able to listen to Fear Inoculum in its entirety three times, though as yet not the video itself; prior to that I heard “Descending” at the Fairfax concert (5/24/17) and “Descending”, “Invincible” and “Chocolate Chip Trip” at the Hampton show (5/10/19).   My assessment?  Excellent quality, comparable in quality to the prior four albums.  Six major songs ranging from 10:05 to 15:44 in length: “Fear Inoculum”, “Pneuma”, “Invincible”, “Descending”, “Culling Voices”, and “7empest”.  It’s TOOL people.

The Facebook Reaction from the TOOL CULT appears to vary as follows:

1.   Best album ever, naming my next child “Fear”

2.   Good, but not better than [prior album] – instigating massive debate on relative merits of the 5 albums

3.   Good, but breaking up the Fibonacci spiral of quality improvement and year intervals of 1/3/5/5/13 from Opiate to the current album.   Sorry.

4.  Good, but not worth the 13 year wait.

5.   Good, but not worth $40 for that damn CD packaging

6.   Sounds too much like TOOL

7.   Sounds too much like A Perfect Circle

8.   Not enough Maynard

The rest of you are welcome to join the cult or slam us as idiots for worshipping these four mortals whose music is inexplicably given such reverence.   You know, like us who worship Neil, Tim, Dan and Jean-Paul in Clutch.   Sadly, much of the contempt thrown as us TOOL fanatics is coming from the Maryland cult, as if these two bands, of admittedly much different styles and certainly far different productivity and stage shows, are necessarily mutually exclusive.   I say we can worship both Maynard AND Neil.   AMEN, brothers.  

Futurama

Falling back on an easy topic, but it so happens that I just finished watching (the final) Season 8 of this show.     

Beginning.   This started in 1999.   It so happened that in October 1999, I started dating my ex-GF, Leila, right as the show was gathering steam.   Leila has two eyes and non-purple hair, but her own Brazilian charms.  Anyhow, Fox kept it until 2003.  In 2007 they released 4 direct to DVD films.  Seasons six, seven and eight were picked up and broadcast by Comedy Central.  I’d say throughout the entire series a remarkably high standard of quality was maintained.  

It centers on Fry, an underachieving delivery guy from 2000 who is accidentally frozen for 1000 years and wakes up in 3000 – and picks up where he left off, working at a planetary delivery company, Planet Express, in New New York.  Since everyone he knew from 2000 is dead, he has to bond with his co-workers, eventually developing an unlikely romance with Leela. 

Fry (Billy West).  The main character, shares most animated main male (?!?) characters’ idiocy (Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, etc.) without being endearing.   I never liked him that much.   However, I do love the “Fry [not sure if…]” and “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!” memes he inspired, and which I may well have posted in various ways on Facebook in the past. 

Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal).   Purple haired, one-eyed mutant with an impressive figure, voiced by Peg Bundy herself with just as much sass and arrogance as you might expect.  Don’t mess with her.  After believing herself an orphan, she finally discovered her parents, who live in the sewer (!).   Early on there was an episode featuring Ed O’Neill, best known as Al Bundy on “Married With Children”, as an alien with whom Leela hooks up. 

Bender Rodriguez (Jon DiMaggio).  The cynical, alcoholic robot.  Count on Bender to act in bad faith and epitomize any and all vices you can possibly imagine - including prostitution with robo-hookers.  Robots have an amusing and prominent role in the series, especially Calculon, the star of “All My Circuits” (Calculon: “I’ve been processing this for some time…”).  Or those “incompetent robot elders”….

Professor Farnsworth (Billy West).   Fry’s descendant – probably from his older brother.   The professor is predictably absent-minded.  Typically he can be counted on to invent whatever implausible but plot-required technology they need to get the episode going. 

Amy Wong (Lauren Tom).  The team’s other female, with an alluringly flat tummy and exposed belly button.   She doesn’t do much more than be cute, though.  Her parents fit the stereotype of Asian parents – they run a casino on the Moon. 

Hermes (Phil Lamarr, who I recall as the overstimulated UPS driver on "MadTV").  The team’s Jamaican accountant/bureaucrat.  His job seems to be to veto things which either cost too much or violate regulations, as prevalent in the 3000’s as they are now.   

Dr. Zoidberg (Billy West).  Actually somewhat of a lobster.  I’m sensing a heavy dose of Yiddishness injected into him, particularly his accent.  It’s like they wanted a Jewish character but didn’t want to actually make the character Jewish. 

Most of the adventures involve foreign planets or alien invasions.   Years ago, after digesting all 70+ episodes of “Star Trek: The Original Series” (ST/OS) I then watched all of the animated series shows from the early or mid-‘70s.  Of course, due to budget constraints all of live action Star Trek alien races - even on more recent series such as "Next Generation", "Deep Space Nine", "Voyager", etc. - have to be humanoid:  basically like humans with different hair or skin, but two arms, two legs, one head, etc.   With animation you’re freed from that constraint and can make any sort of alien you can imagine.  And the Futurama writers are certainly imaginative.   Of course they’ve got a fair amount of tributes and “in jokes”, the most recent I caught being the “Two Lane Blacktop” tribute episode and Bender’s encounter with Finn & Jake of Adventure Time, both from the final season which is obviously freshest in my mind. 

At this point I’ve seen all the episodes but the earliest ones - now 20 years old - are evaporating into the recesses of my memories.  Here’s a show where I’m seriously tempted to purchase the full set.  The movies I recall as being of equal quality.  Enjoy!

Santana

On Wednesday afternoon I made the snap, last minute decision to see Santana in concert at Jiffy Lube Live in Bristow, Virginia.  Despite having been aware of, and a fan of, this band since college (1886-1890) I had never gotten around to seeing them in concert. 

If you have finite time and money, do you exclusively attend concerts of bands you’ve already seen before, or do you seek out some new experiences?   For my part, 60% of the bands I saw in 2019 were ones I’d seen before, and 40% were new bands.   DesertFest NYC featured The Skull, Monolord, and Windhand – who I’d seen before – but also Elder, ASG, Danava and Weedeater, who I hadn’t.   As it was, Elder, the final headliner on Sunday night, was the band I was most interested in seeing.  This Boston, MA band wasn’t scheduled to tour anywhere close to DC, so I had to traipse all the way up to NJ/NY to see these shows.  Well worth it, as Elder were as satisfying as their studio albums would indicate. 

For that matter, have I ever NOT enjoyed a concert?  Does this happen often enough to dissuade me from seeing a band I’d never seen before?  It happened ONCE.   

The Mars Volta.   Those of us familiar with Pink Floyd’s Live at Pompeii movie know that the band interviews during the Dark Side of the Moon sessions, interrupting the prior jams of much earlier material at Pompeii, are oddly as entertaining as the musical performances themselves.   Gilmour’s denial of drug use on the part of the band is amusing, of course, but so is Roger’s bold but true assertion that “if people go to a show and they don’t like it, they don’t come again.”  That was the case with the only concert I really disliked and left early:  The Mars Volta, at the Ram’s Head Live in Baltimore, September 21, 2008.   Normally the band’s material is 1/3 nonstop aggression and 2/3 prog and psychedelic, an acceptable mix.  But live, the band seemed to be nonstop nonstop aggression, which I did not like.  (Even guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez admitted that no one wants to be punched in the face nonstop for 90 minutes).  Bye bye!

Here I went as a last minute decision to see a band I’d never seen before.   I got the cheapest lawn tickets they had and made no effort to reiterate my prior solicitations of companionship.    With the TV screens we could see much of what was going on stage anyway.   The grooves were infectious and the overall experience highly enjoyable.  

Che Guevara.   Before the right had Trump to idolize and ignore his numerous deficiencies, the Left had Che Guevara.   In Exposing The True Che Guevara:  And The Useful Idiots Who Idolize Him, Humberto Fontova, a Cuban immigrant who is clearly NOT a fan of his, described encountering Carlos Santana and giving him grief for wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt as so many people do, citing the man’s many atrocities under Castro’s regime.  Santana’s reaction – imagine this in Tommy Chong’s voice – “you’re getting hung up on the facts, man!”

Broken SG.   Nowadays it seems Santana plays exclusively Paul Reed Smith guitars.  But back in the day, he had a cherry red Gibson SG Special with dot inlays and P90 pickups, which he played at Woodstock.  For some reason – most likely the guitar wouldn’t stay in tune – he wanted a replacement, but wasn’t actually running the band (!), so it vetoed his demand.  So he smashed the guitar, destroying it, and then said, “THERE.  Now you have to buy me a new guitar.”

Jam Band.   If you listen to the Fillmore show from 1968, or the Woodstock performance, or the first album, it’s clear that early Santana is very similar to the Grateful Dead and the Allman Brothers – definitely a jam band.   In fact, Gregg Rolie and Neil Schon, better known from Journey, were in his band early on (Rolie from the beginning).   Not only that, if you listen to Journey’s first album, they’re more like a prog band and don’t sound much, if anything, like the band that gave us “Don’t Stop Believing” and “Open Arms” with later singer Steve Perry. 

This is why I needed to see him in concert.  I checked Setlist.fm and verified that live, he’s still playing his classic tunes.  Of the rest, fairly recent album Supernatural gets the most coverage, 6 songs, including “Smooth”.  The later tunes are shorter.   Live, he’s still giving some good jams. 

I’m ambivalent about otherwise talented guitarists who bury their decent guitar solos in music I really don’t care for:  Prince comes to mind, plus late model Don Felder.   His two songs on the Heavy Metal soundtrack, recorded exclusively for that album, are far superior (in my humble opinion) to any of his solo work since leaving the Eagles. 

With Santana there’s a ton of African rhythms, latin and jazz stuff which can tax my tolerance for jam band material.   But then I was hearing a strong Ray Manzarek influence with the keyboardist – and then Santana himself started off the distinctive and instantly recognizable solo intro for “Light My Fire”, followed by snippets of Stones material, and even a bit of “Day Tripper”, giving us some classic rock material amidst all the worldbeat stuff we might get from Mickey Hart.   Suffice to say he’s all over the place.  And for a guy born in 1947, he can still play guitar.  If he has any health issues I couldn’t see them from where I was in the audience. 

College Park (Origins).   Along with early Scorpions – Lonesome Crow and Fly to the Rainbow – Santana, in particular Viva Santana, was another learning experience of College Park.  Eventually that led me to Peter Green era Fleetwood Mac to seek out the original “Black Magic Woman”, and check out Live in Boston Vol 1, which also has “Green Manalishi” – better known from Judas Priest’s cover of it.  Of course, PG era FM are also a jam band – and Green was a big fan of the Dead.  “Oh Well” is probably the go-to jam song for his era of ‘Mac.

WTF?   As I expected, Santana made one “speech” exhorting the crowd to get crazy.  It was couched in metaphysical language guaranteed to confuse everyone.  I think he tries it out beforehand with the band members and roadies and if anyone can figure out what he’s trying to say, he scratches it out and starts over. 

Concessions.   By now I’ve seen enough shows that I’m not compelled to buy a t-shirt as a matter of principle.  My preference is for a shirt with tour dates on the back.   A blank back t-shirt doesn’t tell the world I purchased it at a concert.  Sadly, the best front design is not always the one with tour dates on the back, and the latter shirt may well have a dull or suboptimal design.  Sadly, that was the case here. Santana did have guitar-shaped magnet/bottle openers which were nice enough.   It won’t go any further than my fridge, which I don’t take around in public with me, but it will open bottles and stay on the fridge.  Just as well.

Parking Lot.   I had to leave early, before hearing “Smooth”, to avoid being trapped in the parking lot for eternity.  The venue, originally Nissan Pavilion, has been here since May 1997, but to date they still do not have a legitimate system to allow the parking lot to empty at the end of the show (though I did see an Uber/Lyft pickup location identified, which might actually work for people who live somewhere close to Bristow).  The only way to avoid idling with everyone else for an hour after the show is to leave before the encore.   With Alice in Chains a few weeks before, my problem was solved by Alice in Chains going on first and KORN being the final band, who I didn’t care to see, least of all to endure the parking issue. 

 

In any case, here is the Jiffy Lube Live set.  My favorites are “Evil Ways”, “Oye Como Va”, “Black Magic Woman”, and “Smooth” – though I didn’t get to hear that last tune.

https://www.setlist.fm/setlist/santana/2019/jiffy-lube-live-bristow-va-739ff601.html

Who Was Prince William?

On Wednesday morning I had a return date (status hearing at which trial date is set) in Prince William County General District Court in Manassas, Virginia.   Upon completing my actual legal business it finally occurred to me to ask, after having practiced in Northern Virginia in general and PWC itself in particular since 1994, “who was Prince William?”  And with the county itself dating back to 1731 (before even the American Revolution), it obviously cannot be named after Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, the older son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, born in 1982. 

Prince William County, Virginia.  Named after Prince William (1721-1765) (the Duke of Cumberland, buried in Westminster Abbey in London), third youngest son of King George II of England (predecessor to the more infamous King George III who reigned during our Revolution).   His own notoriety extended to the Jacobite Rebellion in England and some action in the Seven Years War – better known to us as the French & Indian War.  The Jacobite Rebellion (1745) was the last of a series of revolts which attempted to return the prior Stuart dynasty to the throne of England, Scotland, and Wales, which had been taken over by the House of Hanover, which lasted until Queen Victoria.  She was married to Prince Albert, of the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, and her son Edward VII took over in 1901.  He died in 1910, and George V took over.  In 1917, at war with Germany, they decided to change the name from Saxe-Coburg & Gotha to Windsor, so Edward VIII (1938), George VI (1938-1952, played by Colin Firth in "The King's Speech"), and Elizabeth II (1952 to present) are all monarchs of the House of Windsor, though tracing ancestry back to George I (1714-1727) who famously spoke more German than English.  Rumors of Queen Victoria having a German accent - though her own husband was German - are apparently not true.  However, her eldest grandchild was none other than Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany.  (See my blog post on the Hohenzollerns back on 1/6/17.)    
  

The major two areas in Prince William County are Manassas and Woodbridge, the county seat and courthouse being in the former.   Downtown Manassas is actually fairly small.  The courthouse has a cafeteria in the basement, the Juvenile & Domestic Relations Court (child support between unmarried parents, spousal support outside divorce, and domestic abuse cases) on the ground floor, General District Court (civil cases under $25,000, misdemeanors and traffic cases) on the first floor, and Circuit Court (civil cases over $25,000, felonies, divorces) on the second floor).  The courthouse is fairly new, but I could not ascertain when it was built.  It predates my own ascent to Virginia bar-dom in 1994, so I’m guessing sometime in the 1980s or early 1990s.  The Manassas battlefield, where the various Bull Run battles of the Civil War took place, is also here, as is Jiffy Lube Live, formerly Nissan Pavilion, a large concert venue, somewhat of a semi-outdoor pavilion similar to Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, Maryland.  I recognize PWC police handling security at the concerts. 

John & Lorena Bobbitt.  I’d consider these the PWC court’s most famous trials. This was the famous couple – the wife cut off her allegedly abusive husband’s “Little Brother” which was successfully re-attached.  Each was charged with crimes (A&B for her, rape for him) and each was actually acquitted. 

Fairfax (City) and County.  Named after Thomas Fairfax, 6^th Lord Fairfax of Cameron (1693-1781).  He actually lived in Virginia and developed those lands.  His estate at Greenway Court, Clarke County, Virginia (far west in the boondocks near West Virginia) seems to be nominal by now. 

Arlington County.  Named after Henry Bennet, the First Earl of Arlington (1618-1685).   English nobleman.  This is the Virginia county which, if you look at its dimensions, appears to be the lower southwest quadrant of the District of Columbia.   DC is split into four quadrants, divided north-south by Independence and Constitution Ave., and east-west by North and South Capital Streets, which are slightly off-center of the apex to the east by a few blocks.  “Southwest” is actually fairly small, because most of what we would think of as southwest is actually Arlington County, Virginia, ceded back to Virginia in 1846.  I lived there from 1990 (graduating from University of Maryland, College Park) until 2004 (moving to my current whereabouts, not far away in Fairfax County).   Note:  for those 14 years I was never called for jury duty in Arlington County.  Immediately upon moving to Fairfax County in October 2004 I received a jury duty summons, which I successfully evaded being a practicing attorney in Fairfax County.

Arlington County’s most famous building is the five-sided Pentagon.   Maybe you’ve heard of it.

Loudoun County.   Named after John Campbell, Fourth Earl of Loudoun (1705-1782).  A contemporary of Prince William, even served under him in the Jacobite Rebellion.  The county seat is Leesburg.  I’ve had numerous cases in the courthouse there. 

By the way.  In front of the courthouse is a Confederate statue.  We’ll see how long that lasts, but if you’re out to get rid of Confederate statues, Virginia in general and Richmond in particular will be a big task.  My own assessment is that the Confederates attempted to secede in April 1861 with the express intention, consistently maintained by all the major Confederates, of retaining their “peculiar institution” of slavery.  Any other issues of “states’ rights” are therefore irrelevancies added decades after the fact retroactively to justify a rebellion when slavery was long discredited and nowhere close to being a popular cause.  That being the case, we really have no legitimate reason to celebrate or treasure the rebellion.  Having said that, we might want to allow “these people” (as Robert E. Lee might put it) the prerogative to keep Richmond itself as the exclusive territory in which any such statues and memorials can remain out of sheer historical significance. 

Richmond (City).  The capital of Virginia and of the Confederacy (1861-65) is actually named after another city, Richmond, near London, England.  No biography here. 

Virginia (Commonwealth of).  So far was we can tell, it’s named after Queen Elizabeth I (Cate Blanchett), often referred to as the Virgin Queen. 

Now on to Maryland…

Prince George’s County.  The day after my status hearing in Manassas, I had a personal injury trial in PG County District Court, located in the county seat of Upper Marlboro, Maryland.  The county is the Maryland one bordering DC to the east.  Upper Marlboro is fairly small and is just a few blocks deep. I passed by Lower Marlboro, maybe 10-20 miles south, on my way back up from the Solomons Island area on a recent road trip. 

Named after Prince George of Denmark (1653-1708) (also Duke of Cumberland and also buried in Westminster Abbey in London).   His claim to fame was being the husband of Queen Anne of England – the sister of Mary, wife of William of Orange (as in “William & Mary University”).   Thus he was around the same time as Louis XIV of France. 

Montgomery County.  Named after Richard Montgomery (1738-1775, buried in NYC), a Revolutionary War general who died in the war.   County seat is Rockville, and it’s Maryland’s most prosperous county, bordering on DC to the west.  I lived in Montgomery Village from 1969 to 1979 – the first ten years of my life.

On a school trip as a kid we went to the District Court.  Years later I practiced there as an attorney, though a newer building has recently opened up.  I practice in the next door Circuit Court building quite often, in fact filing all my uncontested divorces there.    

Frederick (City and County).  Unclear exactly who the second largest city in Maryland (and its county) is named after, though Calvert (below) is one candidate.

 

Baltimore (City and County).   Name after Cecil Calvert, the Second Baron Baltimore (1605-1675).   He was effectively the governor of Maryland from 1632 to 1675, though unlike Lord Fairfax he stayed in England during this time.

The city itself is by far the largest city in Maryland.  The City and County are separate, with the county buildings, including the District and Circuit Court buildings, in Towson, which is just inside the Baltimore Beltway (695) off York Road.  The city court buildings can be seen now and then in “The Wire”, which not only takes place in Baltimore but is actually filmed there as well.

   

Then you’ve got Sir Lord Baltimore, a British rock band from the early 1970s.  Not sure if they ever actually toured Baltimore, Maryland.   

Maryland.  Named after Henrietta Maria of France (1625-1669), wife of King Charles I, a Stuart monarch executed in the English Civil War, and mother of King Charles II.   We pronounce the state’s name “Marilynd”, like Marilyn Monroe.  I attended the University of Maryland, College Park (main campus) from 1986 to 1990 and graduated with a B.S. in general business and a B.A. in government & politics, a double degree (156 credits) and not a double major.  With my mother’s recent move to Herndon, Virginia from Frederick, Maryland, that means no more relatives living in Maryland anymore. 

Hopefully that should satisfy our curiosity – to the extent anyone cared.  I did.  Did you?

I’ve Solved Everything (You’re Welcome)

I had various ideas which I was hoping to incorporate into some brilliant novel, but the plot itself evaded me.  So rather than let these ideas waste away without a PKD/RAH-influenced novel to enshrine them in, I’d just as soon blurt them out in a blog instead of reviewing another concert or movie. 

Warning:  I started out as a Republican and drifted towards the Libertarians, so keep that in mind.

Vices.   For some reason, many people have successfully convinced the federal and state governments that vices such as sex (prostitution), gambling, and drugs should be illegal, mainly because “we don’t like them”.   But they can’t stop us wanting these things, so we have to resort to illicit sources, e.g. organized crime, to satisfy many of these needs – with a few exceptions.   Since 2012, however, states like Colorado and Washington, among others growing by the year, have astutely recognized that, at least with regard to marijuana, these vices can not only be managed, but actually serve as an excellent source of income for the state government.

I say, take it  a step further, and legalize all drugs, prostitution, and gambling.   But give the government a monopoly on them, at Federal Pleasure Centers.   The feds can recruit Class A courtesans, Class B porn actresses, and Class C any woman or man willing to have sex for money and doesn’t have VD or some other hangup or problem, and set up brothels.   Essentially Uncle Sam becomes a pimp.  

These centers can also serve as casinos, raking in money from poker, blackjack, roulette, etc.  We already have a form of legalized gambling subsidizing state budgets, called the lottery.  It’s 100% voluntary and pays out a fraction of what it takes in; in 2016 state lotteries made a profit of $20 billion.  Expand the idea to more traditional forms of gambling.   

Finally, these centers can sell pure and authentic drugs, mass-produced at low cost, and consumed in facilities monitored with health care personnel and killer soundtracks or even club spaces to feature live entertainment.  That includes heroin, meth, LSD, psychedelic mushrooms, marijuana, etc. all rendered less dangerous by at least being pure and authentic, not cut with anything else.   Security are on board to take care of anyone who decides to get violent or cause problems.  The Acid Tests of the mid-60s brought back again under federal auspices.    So now it’s not just the lottery raising money voluntarily.

Proper Function of Government.   At the same time we’re raising money voluntarily, we can see about reducing the size of government.   Cut out corporate subsidies and reduce the military (GOP indulgences).  Nix this nonsense about social welfare (see below) and redistributing wealth (Democrat indulgences).   Once we cut the fat from the budget we have a fighting chance of being able to fund the truly legitimate functions of government by purely voluntary financing.

Roads.   This is a tricky business as roads aren’t about protecting individual rights, so could fall outside the traditional libertarian functions of government.  But the economists among us recognize them as public goods which incur free rider problems.  The way around this is to fund roads with gas taxes and tolls, the latter made simpler these days with EZPass, as we’re no longer chucking coins into baskets at toll plazas.   Can the roads be maintained solely with gas taxes and tolls?   I don’t know.   Get the CATO accountants to figure it out.  But it’s worth at least nominal consideration.

Homeless.   I thought about this and came up with what I think MAY be a solution.   There are three types of homeless people.   Class A are the disabled, either physically or mentally, who are legitimately incapable of being self-supporting in their lifetimes.   No amount of training or therapy will push them high enough to pay their own way.  They will need to be looked after until they’re no longer living.  

Class C are the able-bodied who lost their jobs and had no savings, but would be ready and willing to work if someone found a job they could handle – ideally with their existing skill set but retrained if necessary.  They have no principled objection to working and no physical or mental impediment to doing so.

Set up homeless communities – not shelters in the center of town – which are isolated and secure.   Their purpose is to look after Class A’s indefinitely.   They can be staffed by Class C’s.   “Out of sight, out of mind”?  If the homeless are truly being cared for indefinitely I’d say that’s a moot point, we’ve addressed the substantive issue of people who cannot support themselves being looked after and cared for, which is what matters.

 

Oh, and what I would call Class B – I don’t know how many there are.  They’re the slackers and “bums”, anyone who is technically Class C but insists on being supported like Class A’s, or solicits charity pretending to be homeless.  If the shelters can successfully accommodate the Class A’s and C’s as described, we’re no longer concerned about the Class B’s.  

These shelters will not be self-sufficient and will require some form of subsidy.   However, we’ve heard plenty of people claim to care about the homeless.   Leaving aside the Donald Trumps and other wealthy types intent on holding on to their money (as they have every right to do, as meanspirited as it may sound), nevertheless it seems there are also plenty of rich people who at least profess to care about the less fortunate.   I sense they realize they have more money than they can use in their own lifetimes and derive some substantial and genuine self-satisfaction and pride in sharing it and helping their less fortunate comrades.  Add up all the $$ it would take to successfully house all the Class A’s in our country, present the total amount to a clique of sincere wealthy philanthropists, and see if they can meet the bill pro rata.   For all we know it can be done without a single penny in taxes.   

I have no idea if these are actually practical or doable – that would a good job for a think tank to determine (e.g. CATO).   But the sum total is to provide a support structure for the truly hopeless, pay for roads without public funding, and harness our baser instincts in a safe and profitable manner to pay for the legitimate functions of government WITHOUT TAXES.   I’d say that’s worth looking into.