Assholes 2020

I posted on Facebook about the Trump supporter, and my last blog was about bad cops.   It's time to step back and look at the bigger picture: ASSHOLES.  I'd actually covered this topic back in 2011, but at that time my focus was on Upton Sinclair's The Jungle.  This time around Donald Trump and the coronavirus are a bit more important.

This Trump supporter will be voting for Trump not despite the fact that he's an asshole, but because he's an asshole.   "Get things done?"   No.    

The men & women in the health profession risking their lives ever day.   Assholes?  No.

The scientists, the Einsteins and Teslas, making the world a better place for us.  Assholes?  No.

The Founding Fathers, who established a democracy, a Constitution, a Bill of Rights, including George Washington, who declined lifetime dictatorship and stepped aside after two terms.  Assholes?  No.

The philosophers, the thinkers, the idealists, were they assholes?  No.

How about Hitler, Stalin, Putin, Mao, etc. all those dictators?  Yes, they were all assholes.   Assholes who never took responsibility for anything, who shifted blame to everyone else and took credit for everything.  Sounds like anyone we know?

The assholes don't "get things done".  They screw things up for everyone else.   We're supposed to meekly take their word for it, to not assert ourselves, to let them do as they please.   Because THEY NEED US, but WE DON'T NEED THEM.   And they're terrified we'll realize this.  So they have to bluff and bullshit their way.  It's our job to call their bluff and tell them to fuck off.  

The US is leading the coronavirus epidemic.  We have something like 5% of the world's population but 25% of its cases.   Why?  Because ASSHOLES won't wear masks - as a matter of principle.   Because the masks don't protect us from them, they protect them from us, the ASSHOLES consider it a waste of time.  Helping anyone else is for chumps.   With anyone else in the Oval Office, they might actually have the shame to comply purely out of social pressure.   But this time around, they finally have THEIR GUY running things.   And THEIR GUY won't do jack shit to help his own country.   His position varies from "it's a HOAX to make me look bad" to "not my problem."   ???  So the President himself, our so-called leader, is encouraging his entire country to behave like assholes.   And too many of us are.   And we're paying the price.   Whether the death rate is 1% or 5%, that's 1-5 out of 100 dying because some jackoff won't wear a mask.   

Those of us who aren't assholes, aren't perfect.  We make mistakes, and not all of those mistakes are honest.   So we apologize, sincerely, take responsibility, and make amends.   And try not to do it again.  Hopefully, we'll succeed.  One thing we don't do, is behave this way consistently as a matter of principle.  That's what separates us from the ASSHOLES.   

Cartman.  The South Park character.  Can consistently be counted on to mistreat everyone and act like an asshole.  I love that meme, “who said it, Cartman or Trump?” because Trump basically acts like a grown up version of Cartman. 

UMCP Dorm Experience.  I went to the University Of Maryland, College Park, for undergraduate college, and since my parents were overseas in Paris all four years, I was on campus for that entire time.  For sophomore year and fall semester of junior year, I was in Talbot Hall.  My FS/JY roommate, ES (initials to hide identities) wanted me out so his buddy from the suite next door, DH, could come in and replace me.  At first I believed ES was the only one in the six person (three double) suite who felt that way, until I spoke with CR, who was in the end suite with BD, a friend of my buddy DB.  The middle suite had WI and CA, both from Hagerstown, MD, with whom I got along fine – or so I thought.  CR, with whom I also didn’t seem to have any overt problems, told me that himself, WI and CA all wanted me out:  BD was the exception, remaining neutral.  And CR said, we want DH in “because he’s an asshole and you aren’t.”   ???? Go figure.  Well, I moved out, and for senior year I was in a huge single in a suite with 5 other guys I got along with.  If they had a problem with me it was moot, I was out soon enough anyway.

Han Solo.  In ”The Empire Strikes Back” he realizes that Princess Leia fell in love with him, not despite the fact that he was “a scoundrel”, but BECAUSE he was “a scoundrel”.  However, he wasn’t nearly an asshole.  In the prior movie, even after admonishing Princess Leia that he expected to be paid and wasn’t in it for her rebellion, he still came back and saved Luke in his attack on the Death Star – instead of simply leaving and paying off Jabba The Hutt.  As rogueish as he was, Han was no asshole.

Ayn Rand.   Some accused her of advocating being a selfish asshole as a matter of principle, but she added an important element which assholes lack:  consistency.  First off, I’ve yet to meet anyone, asshole or otherwise, who explicitly declared that they live by her principles.   Second, her main two fictional heroes, Howard Roark (The Fountainhead) and Henry Rearden (Atlas Shrugged) are not assholes.  They forge their own destinies by their own ambition and talent, but not at anyone else’s expense.  They lack the ruthless exploitation of others which epitomizes the Asshole.

Ayn Rand herself was notoriously unlikeable and cheated on her husband, Frank O’Connor, with Nathaniel Branden, then used her own philosophy to justify her behavior.  I recall a scene in “Dirty Dancing” when a character misbehaves and throws a copy of The Fountainhead as if so say, “Ayn Rand told me this conduct is acceptable.”   My own experience is that I’ve yet to meet anyone who specifically claimed to live their life by her ideals; most said something to the effect that they tried reading her books but found them too boring to finish.  I certainly championed her views in college but never believed she advocated doing whatever you damn well please and screw everyone else, though that seems to be the way she actually behaved, and how many people, who weren’t actually familiar with her philosophy, perceived it to be.  Rational self-interest, including consistency (“do unto others as you would have done unto you”) doesn’t rise to the level of justifying being an asshole. 

Jerry.  My former boss is aggressive and forceful as an attorney, which explains his success.  But what I realized when considering him is that he didn’t screw over anyone to get to where he is.  He is about as assertive and dominant as you can be without being an asshole.   As well as many other successful people in our society who don’t behave like Trump does – arguably far more successful than him, when you closely examine his business failures in more detail with a more critical eye – it’s clear that “asshole who gets things done” is far more rare than Trump and his followers would like us to believe.  More like it being a false claim used to justify their behavior to those calculated to take their word for it.  Well, I won’t.  And if the polls are any indication, neither are a whole lot of other people. 

So this November, vote for the non-asshole, be it Joe Biden or Jo Jorgensen.   If your state or federal legislator is an asshole, vote them out of office - all the way down to county reps, mayors, and soil & water conservation whatchamacallits.   Vote a straight NON-asshole ticket.   And get rid of these jerks, the sooner the better.

Jerry

After that prior blog about “Better Call Saul” (season 2 starts on 2/15!  Don’t miss it!) I thought it was about time to address a real life attorney, who I’ll call Jerry, for whom I had the pleasure of working from 1992 to 1998, immediately out of law school.  

“Vexation”.   Iron Butterfly, one of these late 60s-early 70s bands, had little nice to say about fellow travelers Blue Cheer, stating that they consider BC “more vexation than inspiration”.  I might say that about Jerry, because he was TOO brilliant.  Either you have his natural talent or you don’t:  no amount of hard work and study will ever come close to him; you have to work and prepare and train just to be competent.  Forget about reaching his level in your lifetime.  Anyhow.

In the beginning.   Jerry is from Philadelphia, went to UPenn for undergrad, USC for law school, and immediately passed the California bar and joined a megafirm in L.A.  Starting salary was $80,000 (back in 1990) for an 80 hour week, which was essentially two 40 hour $40k jobs stacked on top of each other, working for ruthless attorneys who would fire you for any reason.  An excellent recipe for a heart attack at age 25. 

So he moved east and worked for the NRA (back when their headquarters was in DC) until that job was reorganized out of existence and he was abruptly laid off.  A friend of his suggested he set up his own firm, and he did so: working out of his rented house on Route 50 in Arlington, with his dog on his lap. 

This is where I come in.  In fall 1992 I was on my third (and final) year of law school, but not too happy.  I managed zero summer associate positions and was putting books back on the shelf at the law school library for $5.50/hr, 10 hours per week.   Jerry used the same library for research (back in the days before everything was easily accessible on the Internet, which we didn’t have back then) and told the librarian he needed a replacement for his prior law clerk, who had left to join a major firm.  I got the job, working 20 hours a week at $10/hour for a real attorney, with real clients and real cases.   I could finally purchase a new car (1992 Pontiac Firebird) and my life was much better.

We moved from his house, to an office inside a moving company (January 1993) (pretty much the same as Jimmy McGill tucked away inside a nail salon), to the accountants’ suite next door (sometime later in 1993), and then into a suite in Falls Church in March 1995.  During this time I passed the Maryland and Virginia bars and became an associate instead of a law clerk.   However, by 1998 Jerry managed to snag a job at a top local firm which did nothing but contested divorces, and closed up his own practice, putting me out of a job.  I bounced around from firm to firm from 1998-2002 until finally winding up where I am now, with a solo practice in Falls Church.

Back to Jerry.  Certain major cases are worth nothing on his part.

Jury Trial.   Back in 1993 he took a big case:  a drug dealer had been beaten by two Montgomery County narc officers and a Greenbelt police officer.  He sued them all in the US District Court for the District of Maryland, in Baltimore.  Jerry got onto the case pro hac vice (out-of-state attorney allowed to handle specific case under narrow circumstances) so we did it.  This was a three day jury trial, and the defendant – by this time, only the Greenbelt cop – was represented by the senior partner at defense firm, some 60 year old veteran.  Talk about David vs. Goliath.  In addition to being a dope dealer, our client was too stupid to even be sympathetic, so we lost.  The genius of this is that Jerry got just as much experience doing this loser case he was probably going to lose anyway as he would have from a better case which might have been winnable.  Never, in a million years, would I have done that.  Amazing.

Custody Battle.  I’ll bookend this with the 1998 case which got Jerry hired by the firm.  Yet again, he was up against a big firm, all by himself, though the firm sent an associate instead of their top lawyer, mainly because it looked like a slam dunk for them.  Our client, who I’ll call Mrs Angry, had lost custody of her two kids to her sleazy ex-husband, Mr. Angry.  She was petulant, abrasive, and never in a good mood.  However, she had good reason to be upset given the circumstances.  She was fighting to regain custody, but the ex-husband’s expert witness, a behavioral psychologist ("Dr Expert") wrote a scathing report which crucified Mrs Angry and made her look psychotic.  She had no expert of her own. 

With help from his mother, who was a psychiatrist back up in Philadelphia, Jerry crafted a stunning cross examination of Dr. Expert, in which, item by item, he retracted his negative assessments and Mrs. Angry was rehabilitated and vindicated.  Result?  Victory plucked from the jaws of defeat, such a stunning victory that the divorce lawyers in Fairfax County were all talking about it – and so Jerry got a much better job.

Expert Trial.  As I said earlier, much of Jerry’s success is not emulatable, as it comes from an immense reserve of natural talent which cannot be taught:  either you have it or you don’t.  However, I did try to learn from him as much as I could, and one more recent case, in Maryland, is an example of this.

I represented a restaurant owner sued by a general contractor who was supposed to build up a Japanese steakhouse.  The contract fell through because a Chinese restaurant in the same complex successfully enjoined the opening thanks to a restrictive covenant in its lease with the complex’ landlord.  The overall contract was for $250,000, the contractor claimed he was entitled to 75% of that, minus amounts paid already.  The contractor had an expert willing to back up his claims, whereas my guy was too cheap to hire his own.  However, I did persuade him to pay for an expert to help me prepare for trial. 

Our own expert reviewed his opponent’s “qualifications” and his report, and explained why both were 100% bogus.  When it came to trial – a bench trial in Annapolis – I shredded their expert on cross examination.  Finally the judge ruled in our favor, citing that he had zero faith in the plaintiff’s expert’s testimony. 

Fun & Guns.  Working with Jerry wasn’t always court and business.  He loved guns, and infected me with his passion.  One day we took off to Alexandria to visit Old Town Armory, his favorite gun store.  I asked him if we had any business at the courts in Alexandria, and he quickly answered, “NOPE!”  Range time was part of the job, though we did represent quite a few clients petitioning for concealed weapon permits before Virginia switched to a “shall issue” law, which meant I’d drive down to Richmond to drop off appeal documents at the Court of Appeals, then jump back in the car and drive back. 

We also had nonverbal codes for certain clients.  We’d get another call, Jerry would be on the phone with another client, and he’d mouth “WHO IS IT?”  My response?  Seductive hand on the hip = his wife.  Sad guy looking through prison bars = same poor guy in prison who called collect nonstop.  Petulant fit = Mrs Angry. 

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Nowadays Jerry runs his own firm, located in Fairfax County, which does nothing but contested divorces.  Anyone needing a top notch divorce attorney in northern Virginia would be well advised to hire him – if your spouse hasn’t already done so.  I’m glad to have worked for him for those 5 years, which gave me the starting experience I needed, at least in traffic, criminal, and divorce matters.  Thanks, Jerry.