Bridgerton Squid Game

 

Time to avoid anything Christmas-related (the timing hereof to the contrary notwithstanding) and instead review two one-season Netflix series, “Bridgerton” and “Squid Game”.

Bridgerton.  A few months ago I tuned into “Saturday Night Live” and the guest host was Rege-Jean Page, a handsome black guy.  No clue who he was.  Later I ascertained that the Netflix has a show called “Bridgerton”, set in an alternate 1813 London where Queen Charlotte – obviously of German descent – somehow became black, and likewise the most eligible bachelor, some sharp guy with an anarchronistic perpetual five o’clock shadow courtesy of modern electric razors, is likewise of African descent.  To make matters worse, almost all the white males on the show are of extremely poor ethics.   If you’re amused or offended by this recent business of turning white characters (fictional or historical) black en masse (e.g. “Foundation”) fair warning there’s more here as well.  Naturally the villains remain white. 

Daphne Bridgerton (Phoebe Dinosaur) has just turned 15 or 16 or whatever and is now being pimped out by her family to whichever ugly, repulsive noble from a prestigious family wants to claim her as his own.  Aghast at the frontrunners, she befriends Simon Bassett, the Duke of Hastings (the aforementioned Page), who himself is trying to avoid being set up.  His “deal” is that his father was a major league asshole who mistreated him so badly, that on his father’s deathbed he swore a vow never to have children and continue his father’s bloodline.  So the two of them pretend to hook up with each other to satisfy their respective families’ crusade to marry them off.

Naturally this is originally intended purely for show and naturally – can we see it coming from the next galaxy – they wind up falling in love with each other.  Sorry to spoil it for anyone of you.  Oh, and there’s a gossip columnist, Lady Whistledown, who scoops the dirt on everyone.  Her name is an alias, causing rampant speculation as to her identity, and even the Queen herself wants to know who she is.  Plus there’s a babe who got knocked up by a British officer – down in Spain fighting Napoleon – who her family wants to marry off before her pregnancy become obvious.  And her hypothetical husband (and his entire family) is supposed to be too clueless to do the math when their first child pops out less than nine months after the wedding.

There’s some sex, as tastefully simulated as you might imagine on a show on Netflix and not Pornhub. 

Modestly enjoyable.  Season 2 is on the way for those of you who enjoyed it more than I did.

Squid Game.  South Korean miniseries about a bizarre game show on a remote island.  They manage to kidnap 456 players to participate in this thing.  It’s a series of games, some blatantly childrens’ games (e.g. red light green light) where the winners survive to the next round, and the losers wind up in gift-box designed coffins and into the crematoria.  As the games progress and the players become fewer, the pot grows larger.  Players are permitted to opt out at any point, however they will forfeit any winnings if they do so.  The staff members all wear pink jumpsuits and black masks, there’s a Front Man with a different mask – ostensibly the Manager but somehow not the person ultimately behind the whole thing. 

What’s really interesting is that after the first round, everyone is sent home.  Then they’re given invitations to return – 100% voluntary.  And sure enough, all of them do.  Each of them has some compelling reason to decide to continue, mostly because they screwed up somehow and ended up billions of noodles (whatever South Korean currency is) in debt, and might otherwise simply kill themselves in despair absent the chance of fixing everything in these lethal games.  Nominally they go by numbers, but as they get to know each other, they learn each other’s names.  Frequently the games require the players to choose teams, but they have to do so before they learn what the game is. 

A cabal of elite douchebags are also behind the scenes betting on the games, and a Seoul cop manages to infiltrate the complex, which is plausible given that all of the staff members wear the black masks. 

Some of the more colorful characters: a gangster with tattoos; a cynical older woman who briefly hooks up with him; a cute chick from North Korea trying to smuggle her family to South Korea or China; an elite business school grad who somehow managed to lose billions in noodles through incompetent trades; a Pakistani guy; and an old man no one can figure out why he’s there.  The show does a good job of making us empathize with desperate game show contestants.  You don’t need to be Korean (north or south) to relate to this whole shebang.

Warning, though: as you might imagine on a show where half the contestants die in every round, it’s fairly violent.

The War of 1812

Recently I’ve had occasion to visit some sites relevant to this otherwise obscure war.   I’d been to Baltimore countless times but never actually stopped by Fort McHenry…although I have driven through the tunnel a few times, less often than the Baltimore Harbor Tunnel which runs parallel to it and shares the same function of allowing traffic on I-95 to bypass Baltimore.

By 1812, James Madison was the US President (#4).   Napoleon was Emperor of France and dominating Europe.  England was at war with France, and the US was trying to remain neutral.  By this time we’d added Vermont and Kentucky as states, so we were up to 15.   Amidst the European war, the Brits were preventing us from trading with the French, AND forcibly drafting US seamen into the Royal Navy.  So we declared war on England that summer.

Our own army and navy were microscopic, our Air Force grounded because aircraft didn’t yet exist.  Fortunately for us, Napoleon was keeping the Brits busy for the most part, until 1814.  We tried invading Canada, but that didn’t go very well.  For their part, the Brits managed to attack Alexandria, Washington, and Baltimore.

The British fleet coming up the Potomac towards Washington was supposed to be stopped by Fort Washington, but its commander, Dyson, decided discretion was the better part of valor and abandoned the fort without a fight (though they did blow it up), leaving Alexandria to be looted by the British.   East of Washington, our brave and mighty Capital defense force (mostly militia) was routed at Bladensburg, in Maryland, leaving the Brits free to occupy Washington, looting it, burning the White House and Capitol Building, and generally being rude and unpleasant.  (“Be seeing you…”)

Fortunately for the people of Baltimore, Armistead had better luck with Fort McHenry.   The British bombardment fleet had to remain out of range of the fort’s guns, which compromised its accuracy to the point of making it almost useless for the September 13 shelling – during the rain, no less.  So the morning of September 14, 1814, Francis Scott Key, watching from a British warship with the main invasion fleet further south, could observe the 15 state US flag (actually, a deliberately huge one) still flying over the fort, meaning the battle was won and Baltimore would have to wait for a Civil War riot in 1861 for the true unpleasantness to occur.  

Meanwhile, he wrote a famous song about it – which remains the most substantial legacy of this war in 2019.  “The Star Spangled Banner” only became our national anthem in 1931, though, with other songs such as “Hail, Columbia”, “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee” (same melody as “God Save The Queen”), and my favorite, “America the Beautiful” acting as de facto anthems until 1931.  If I were Supreme Leader, I’d make “America the Beautiful” our anthem, BUT grandfather in Baltimore for the “Star Spangled Banner” to be played at Orioles and Ravens games. 

We signed a peace treaty at Ghent in December 1814, but word didn’t get around to Andrew Jackson down at New Orleans fast enough, so we had a nice victory down there to cap off everything.  The treaty mostly brought everyone back to the status quo ante bellum (everyone just goes back to where we were before the war), though England backed off any claims west of our colonies and we left Canada alone. 

Strictly speaking, the war was a draw.  We beat the Brits in New Orleans, lost up in Canada, and the British managed to burn Washington, with our troops going nowhere near London.   But for taking on the battle-hardened British military, which had just defeated Napoleon, and coming this close, induces many on our side to declare it a de facto US victory, like a college football team playing the New England Patriots to a tie.  Given that we didn't come close to sacking and burning London, I'm not so sure I agree with considering this war a draw, except perhaps with regard to the peace terms as noted above.

    

“Those are regulars, by God!”  In the US Embassy in Paris there was a print showing US troops at the Battle of Chippewa, up in Canada, in 1814.  The British commander, Riall, believed he was up against militia (most of the blue uniforms went to units elsewhere, leaving grey material, usually associated with militia, for these regulars to wear), but when US forces held steady under fire and continued to attack in good order, he realized they were trained regulars, and uttered this expression.   The US commander was Winfield Scott, who later served in the US Civil War. 

Uniforms.   By 1812 we’d gone from tricorner hats to the truly awful and ugly shakos which prevailed in the Napoleonic wars.  Seriously, who was responsible for “military fashion” back then? (“Serge!” “Axel!”)  We were supposed to be wearing dark blue, but some troops only got grey.  The shakos were decorative but not expected to protect anyone – it wasn’t until WWI that steel helmets came around, though even in WWII some units still wore cloth hats (e.g. German Afrika Korps and mountain troops, and a US rescue mission on a Japanese POW camp in the Philippines).  

 I managed to get the Osprey Men-At-Arms book on the US Army in the War of 1812, which came in after I had originally written this.  In addition to this business of ugly hats, the uniforms are also remarkably fancy, with lace, stripes, facings, etc. which, when you think about it, are strange on what is a combat uniform.  However, back then tactics mandated attacks in formation, essentially a parade with live ammunition.  Even in the Civil War, Union forces - and both sides in the Franco-Prussian War - were wearing dark blue coats.  It wasn't until WWI that armies finally got the idea to clothe their troops in earth-colored uniforms.   Certainly the 1812-15 US Army was light years away from that - as were their redcoated British adversaries.

Military technology was pretty much the same as the Revolutionary War: muzzle loading muskets (smoothbore) or rifles (rifled barrels giving three times the range of muskets), breechloading not coming around for decades later.   Warships were decades away from steam or armor.  Nothing cool like poison gas or tanks, much less nuclear weapons. 

Bottom line:  Star Spangled Banner + no major victories + Washington BURN! + those damn shakos = War of 1812.      

Trouble in Paris

Yet again, the Islamobastards are causing trouble in Paris.   I’ll use this as a catch-all for these issues, though I can’t claim to be an expert on French politics.  My colleague, teaching history down in Boone, North Carolina, deserves that distinction. 

Charlie Hebdo.   From growing up in Paris I seem to recall several of these highly provocative political publications staring at me from the newsstands.  They had poorly drawn cartoons which poked fun at all sorts of targets.  I ignored them, mainly because the cartoons were so crude I couldn’t even be bothered to ascertain their message to even be offended by them.

            The Mohammed depictions I saw seemed to be less targeting Mohammed himself than his followers here on Earth among the living – and killing – mortals.  I’ve noticed in the US that while many offensive depictions are made of Jesus (e.g. Jesus having sex with himself, aka Jesus f**n Christ) others are more targeted at the Modern Day Pharisees who invoke Jesus’ name for all sorts of moronics of which Jesus Himself would never have approved.   A Brazilian cartoon shows Jesus complaining, “I NEVER told you to crucify homosexuals!” and an angry crowd ignores His disclaimer, accusing Him of being a “maconheiro” (doper).

            I’m aware that Muslims consider even depicting Mohammed – no matter what the intent or context – as per se blasphemy.  Of course, that doesn’t give them the right to kill the offender.  As Bill Maher might point out, when Jesus or the Church are unfavorably described or depicted, we don’t see the Pope’s Swiss Guard show up (“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”), halberds blazing, getting medieval on asses, at the scene of the crime.  

            “They had it coming.”  Did they?  If you piss someone off, they’re entitled to kill you?  Survey says…”[X]!”

Action Directe.   Back when I lived in Paris (1979-1990) the terrorists we were concerned about were these home-grown Marxists, Action Directe.  They threatened my high school, the American School of Paris, even to the point where I had to take some IB exams elsewhere; this was in 1986.  Shortly afterwards, the authorities arrested and imprisoned the leaders of the group and it fell apart, which is why we haven’t heard of these clowns since 1987.

Front National.  They’re still around, and thanks to these recent events may pick up more political steam in the next elections.  They’re France’s most prominent and strident far-right party, with the symbol of a tricolor (red/white/blue) flame.  The current leader is Marine Le Pen, the daughter of founder Jean Marie Le Pen.  It seems Marine is more telegenic, media-savvy, and David Duke-y than her father.   In recent years the FN has edged out the PS to become the second most powerful party in France, and although they haven’t yet translated this into absolute numbers of Assembly seats or a Presidency, the FN candidate made it to the run-off in one of the more recent presidential elections. 

Fifth Republic.   Some people complained, “why didn’t the French government censor Charlie Hebdo and prevent his from happening?”  I don’t know… something like freedom of the press?  France is not an Islamic theocracy – yet.  France is a republic, and they’re on their FIFTH version (RF 5.0).  Let’s review the prior versions.

1)   Up to 1792.   Monarchy, ending in Louis XVI.  We all know how he died.

2)   1792-1804.  First Republic.  The French Revolution ushered in RF 1.0.  This included the Reign of Terror under Danton and Robespierre, the Thermidor Reaction, and a bewildering pair of provisional democracies called the Directory and Consulate.  Oh, and RF 1.0 had its hands full fighting full-fledged wars on its eastern frontiers against European monarchies intent on restoring the Bourbons to power.  The last ruler of RF 1.0 was a guy named Napoleon Bonaparte.

3)  1804-1814.  The First Empire (EF 1.0).  Napoleon I crowned himself Emperor and kicked butt across Europe for some time before finally losing at Waterloo and banished to St Helena.

4)  Louis XVIII (1814-1824). The Bourbons returned.

5)  Charles X (1824-1830).  Another King.

6)  Louis Phillippe (1830-1848).  The last King.  In 1848 Europe erupted in revolutions.  This was the time the Communist Manifesto was first published.

7) 1848-1852.  Second Republic (RF 2.0).   Louis Napoleon, aka Napoleon III, won the election in December after the Revolution deposed Louis Phillippe.  Wondering what happened to Napoleon II?  He was Napoleon Bonaparte’s son, who died in exile in Austria without taking power.  LN/N3 was Napoleon’s older brother’s son, i.e. his nephew, and technically the next in line.  LN/N3 spent most of his life before this in Switzerland and London, de facto exile.

8) 1852-1870.  Second Empire (EF 2.0).  LN/N3 took over as Emperor like his famous uncle.  Nowadays he’s remembered for unsuccessful romps in Mexico and Italy, plus beginning French colonization of Indochina.  I say he should be remembered for remodeling Paris into the form we see today – thanks to his good friend Baron Haussman. 

   The Second Empire ended with the Franco-Prussian War (July 1870-January 1871), followed briefly by the Paris Commune (March-May 1871).

9) 1871-1940.  Third Republic (RF 3.0). This emerged after the Paris Commune and survived World War I.  It came down when the Nazis invaded France in May 1940 and set up the Vichy Republic.

10) 1946-1958.  Fourth Republic (RF 4.0).  After World War II until 1959, when they changed the constitution and form of government – without a revolution!  It took the crisis in Algeria to show that RF 4.0 wasn’t good enough.   Charles De Gaulle was the last prime minister of RF 4.0 and the first president of RF 5.0, until his resignation in 1969.

11)  1959-present.  Fifth Republic (RF 5.0).  That’s what we have today.  The biggest difference between RF 4.0 and 5.0 is that the new version is led by a President, yet they still have a prime minister, he’s just not the top guy anymore.  As you might expect, as a republic this country has free elections, freedom of religion, and freedom of the press.  So Charlie Hebdo has a right to publish anything it wants without fear of violent retaliation by Islamobastards. 

French Military.  As I said, a catch-all.  I’ve read some recent articles written by US soldiers in Afghanistan.  They were consistently highly favorable about French soldiers serving there.  The general idea is, “we’ve all heard the jokes about French surrendering, but these soldiers – and they’re not even Foreign Legion, they’re regulars – are all highly motivated and competent.”  Let’s look at the big picture

1.  Napoleon I.  France conquers Europe until everyone gangs up on Napoleon.  Not a bad track record.

2.  Napoleon III.  France suffers defeat in the Franco-Prussian War.  The Prussians outmaneuvered the French, helped immensely by their Krupp guns.  At a tactical level, the French Chassepot rifle was superior to the Prussian “needle gun”.

3.  WWI.  The French fought hard and bravely.  The leaders were a bit stupid, sometimes, but Petain was no slouch.

4.  WWII.  Here’s the doozy.  Hitler completely outflanked the French with his cut through the Ardennes.  Also, the French military was heavily demoralized in the interwar years, as the country itself was polarized into far-right and left-wing factions who couldn’t agree on anything.  Thus the French were completely unprepared for WWII.

5.  Dien Bien Phu.  The French screwed this up big time, mainly because they completely underestimated the Viet Minh’s abilities.  The Germans in the FFL complained that the training they received was in Africa and had no relevance to jungle fighting.  Mind you, the French also lost to the guerillas in Haiti back in the early 1800s, marking twice that its conventional forces have been defeated by a guerilla army. 

            French forces in Afghanistan are up against the Taliban.  Since the Islamobastards have a long track record of causing trouble back in France, you can expect French soldiers to be very motivated to sticking it to the Taliban on its own turf.  

Henri Christophe

With Haiti in the news these days, I thought it might be appropriate to take a chapter from Richard Halliburton’s intriguing book,

Seven League Boots, and comment on the incredible Haitian dictator, Henri Christophe.  Halliburton himself was drawing heavily upon another book, W.W Harvey’s Sketches of Hayti from the Explusion of the French to the Death of Christophe.  

 In 1802, France’s prized possession, Haiti, rose in a slave rebellion.  Napoleon sent his crack armies to put down the rebellion, but they were defeated by disease, the locals, and a hostile British fleet.  After Jean Jacques Dessalines became emperor and was soon assassinated, the former slave and dishwasher, Henri Christophe, rose to power.

 Dictators.  “Absolute power, corrupts absolutely.”  The problem with concentrating supreme executive authority in one ruler is that he has no checks on his authority and faces constant threats to his legitimacy.  The ruler, faced with enemies real and imagined, has to ask himself not “am I paranoid”, but “am I paranoid enough?”  Any sign of compassion or mercy is a sign of weakness and an invitation to rebellion, either by his inner circle or by the people at large.  This dooms the rule of any would-be “enlightened despot”, as so imaginatively described in the Star Trek (Original Series) episode “Patterns of Force”, in which a well-meaning Earthman tried to set up a Nazi dictatorship without a Holocaust or Gestapo.  If erring on the side of weakness could be fatal, this turns the dictator to the other extreme, ruthlessness, which provokes hatred and opposition, which in turn requires even more oppression to subdue – a vicious cycle. Oderint dum metuant, (let them hate me, so long as they fear me) was the famous quote of the Roman dictator Caligula.  The Bolsheviks understood this, which is why they terrorized the peasants and workers with Cheka; and later on, in the late 80s, the East German and eventually the Soviet dictatorships unraveled exponentially as various reforms snowballed.  And it was the same in the early 19^th century.  Henri Christophe understood this perfectly.

 It didn’t help that he was a man with grandiose designs, ambitions, and ego, with no inclination to be gentle, merciful or compassionate even to his own people, much less his former masters.  He ruled with an iron hand, shooting anyone accused of loafing.  He built a lavish chateau, finer than any in Europe, which he named Sans Souci.  He assembled a court, and hired American ladies to teach his daughters social graces.  He encouraged the population to procreate to increase the labor force.  Whatever form of exploitation and excess a megalomaniac ruler can use, Christophe was determined to take full advantage of the trappings of power.

 Finally, Christophe built a huge fortress which he designed – and expected – to be an impregnable redoubt against which all opposing forces, domestic or foreign, would smash themselves ineffectually.  He ruthlessly drove his people, armies of workers, to produce this gargantuan fortress, which took years to complete.  It was right out of the Bible and Ramses II’ pyramid work projects, slaves driven to death for his egotistical monument.

 In 1820, however, he suffered a stroke after witnessing the ghost of a priest he had murdered.  When his people learned of his paralysis, they rose in rebellion, no longer restrained by an army which no longer obeyed his orders.  An angry mob surrounded his chateau, and faced with the will of the people, fearful of being torn apart alive by the vicious mob, Henri Christophe took his own life with a silver-mounted pistol, shooting himself through the heart.  His wife Marie-Louise dunked his corpse into a vat of liquid lime to prevent it from being desecrated by the angry mob.  And Haiti yet again descended into anarchy…