The Room and Heaven's Gate

Earlier I specifically reviewed two movies known to be horrendously bad: “Gigli” and “Plan 9 From Outer Space”.  Now it’s time to revisit another pair, “The Room” and “Heaven’s Gate.”

The Room.  This has become a cult classic because of its perceived poor quality.  Unfortunately, it’s actually not bad enough to be “so bad it’s good”.  It’s really just a dull story.  

            Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is a long-haired, handsome, well-employed guy in San Francisco (the city gets extensive footage so we’re sure exactly where the film takes place – perhaps to pad the running length as the story doesn’t take that long – although it was actually filmed in L.A.)  A perfect catch, right?  His would-be-mother-in-law certainly thinks so.  But his fiancé, Lisa (Juliette Danielle) doesn’t agree:  Johnny is SO perfect, he’s boring.  So she throws herself at any local available males, and eventually finds one horny enough to accept her advances, who happens to be Johnny’s best friend Mark.  Mind you, she’s no particular beauty or catch herself, not all that pretty or sexy, pretty much just plain average in every way.  Normally a woman like her would count her blessings at catching a guy like Johnny.  Not this one.

Eventually Johnny finds out – of course.  And the results aren’t pretty, though not all that surprising, so there are no real plot twists or “damn, I never saw that coming,” more like “well, that escalated quickly.”  In fact, the finale is really the only excitement in the whole film.   That’s it.  No big name actors in this whole thing.   Moreover, many of scenes make no sense, many plot lines are adopted and quickly abandoned seemingly at random, with no connection to the main plot.  Perhaps it was Wiseau’s attempt at some sort of artistic realism, “truth is stranger than fiction”.  But we expect a movie to make sense, we have enough randomness and senselessness in our real lives.

            So what gives the film its notoriety?  The acting is pretty bad, but no worse than a porn movie or those Emmanuelle films.   The special effects are irrelevant, as it’s a drama/romance.  The sex scenes are as tastefully done as any soap opera, which more than anything else this film resembles.  Probably the worst thing about the film is that it’s just pretty boring.   About how you might describe “Gigli”, though that film at least had an A-list cast.

Heaven’s Gate.  This is the famously financially ruinous western from the early 80s.  Kris Kristofferson plays the main guy, Jim Averill, a lawman in otherwise lawless Johnson County, Wyoming.   My father told me this was “the worst film ever made.”  I should have known Michael Cimino, who did “The Deer Hunter”, was responsible, as both films are very long and boring and both feature Christopher Walken.

            After graduating from Harvard in 1870 with John Hurt, Averill finds himself in Wyoming.  The local cattle ranchers, “The Association”, led by Canton (Sam Waterston, in the only unsympathetic role I’ve ever seen him do) draw up a hit list of locals they want arrested and killed.  The targets are recent immigrants from Europe, many Jews, many Germans, etc. the “you’re not from around here” crowd.   They’re just missing Andrea Martin’s clueless Eastern European woman from SCTV, or the entire population of “Fiddler on the Roof’s” fictional Russian village of Anatevka.  

Champion (Walken) starts out as a hitman for the Association but soon switches sides when he realizes its targets are innocents – including his own would-be lover, the local madam Ella Watson (Isabelle Huppert).  Nominally Averill’s babe, she shows some serious skin, including full frontal nudity.   That and the visual scenery of big sky Wyoming (actually filmed in Montana – close enough) are among the modest redeeming values of this film.   Jeff Bridges is in here as the local roller rink proprietor, John Bridges (unknown if there any relation).  Minor roles by Geoffrey Lewis, Mickey Rourke, Richard Masur, and Brad Dourif (hard to recognize in a beard).  Not only a decent cast, but the acting is fairly decent as well.  Moreover, it does have a discernable plot, though the plot takes forever to work itself through.

            Of course, the hitmen and the immigrants finally bump ugly in a big climactic battle, which itself takes about 30 minutes – and even that isn’t the end of the film.   Cue Randall in “Star Wars vs. LOTR” bitching about the excessive length.  Remarkably, the 3.5 hour length was itself cut down from the 5 hours Cimino originally wanted.  I had to watch it in three installments: the first 30 minutes, the next 90 minutes, and the final 90 minutes.  Too bad the remaining 90 minutes of cut material wasn’t included as deleted scenes.  

To make matters even more confusing, as originally distributed to theaters in April 1981, the film was cut down to 149 minutes, though the 149 minute “cut” was never released in that format on VHS, laserdisc or DVD. Mind you, 149 minutes is still two and half hours.  All home versions are essentially the one I saw, the 219 minute version, so as of 2014 there is no way – and has been no way – to see the movie as originally theatrically released in 1981. 

Moreover, the story also takes considerable liberties with the historical facts: Watson wasn’t a prostitute, and she and Averill were killed two years before the events in question, among many other significant discrepancies.   Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story, eh?  But the #1 issue is simply the excessive length and glacial pace of the film.

Black Oak Arkansas

Inspired by a recent article in Classic Rock magazine – those guys should get kickbacks from bands! – I delved into this until-now neglected-by-me band.  As the name implies, they are from Black Oak, Arkansas – probably the only major band from that state.  According to singer Jim “Dandy” Mangrum, the band has finally sorted out its myriad issues and is back in business.  In fact, they have a new album out.

I purchased “the Original Album Series”, as I did with Argent, a collection of the first five albums in mini-sleeves and nothing in the way of liner notes:  Black Oak Arkansas (self-titled), Keep The Faith, If An Angel Came To See You, Would You Make Her Feel At Home, High on the Hog, and Street Party.   Of these, the first three are poorly produced and not overly impressive.  High is their most famous album, and the production takes a huge step up to mainstream 70’s rock, with Street Party following closely behind.

Their 70s live album, The Complete Raunch’N’Roll Live [“Complete” being a recent re-issue which restored the collection to two full shows] showcases their live talent, mainly Jim Dandy’s tendency to talk between songs and ramble on.  He’s not as entertaining in that regard as Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) or Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden), but somewhat more coherent than Ian Gillan (Deep Purple).  For some reason he’s into getting the audience into deep breathing exercises.

The new album is Back Thar N’ Over Yonder, which includes 5 new songs – of comparable quality to High, and 10 previously unreleased tracks.  They can join Blue Cheer as yet another band covering the Stones’ “Satisfaction.”

Finally I had to top this off with the live DVD, Live at the Royal Albert Hall, filmed in London at their peak in the 1970s.   Dandy slithers across the stage with lusto and gusto, and even pulls out his washboard prop (with practically no musical contribution therefrom) amidst a set that even includes a cover of the Beatles’ “Taxman”.  The overall impression is “Lynyrd Skynyrd fronted by David Lee Roth…hold on, is that Ozzy’s drummer?”

David Lee Roth.  When Gene Simmons tried to get Van Halen a record deal, he noted that one problem the band had was being confused with Black Oak Arkansas due to Roth’s resemblance to Jim Dandy.  Listening to  studio albums and a live album, I hear ZERO resemblance, vocally, between the two.   Jim Dandy has an exaggerated backwoods growl he uses for most every song – sorta like Billy Gibbons’ sing-talk at the beginning of “La Grange”.  It’s also reminiscent of Doug “The Greaseman” Tracht’s way of talking.  Like Geddy Lee and Burke Shelley, it’s a unique and distinctive vocal style that definitely has to be an acquired taste.  By comparison, both David Lee Roth and Ronnie Van Zant have far more accessible and mainstream vocal styles.

But visually?  This is where the DVD comes “to the rescue” indeed.  Long, straight, blonde hair?  Check.  Bared hairy chest?  Check.  Flashy bell bottoms?  Check.  Sorry, but style-wise, David Lee Roth owes Mr. Dandy some serious royalties, if a singer’s image could be copyrighted.   Then again, on “Dancin’ In the Streets”, which both bands covered, the difference in their vocal styles can be directly compared.  So long as we keep our eyes closed and ears open, listening but not seeing, Roth is in the clear. 

Notable songs.  “Lord Have Mercy On My Soul”, “Fever in My Mind”, “Jim Dandy” (obviously the inspiration for the Greaseman’s “Redneck” song), “Moonshine Sonata” (an excellent instrumental), and “Dixie” (yes, the theme song of the CSA).  Dandy’s style is half “I’m a hopeless, horny loser, always on the prowl for pussy” and half, “God, Jesus, please forgive me” overtly religious praying and/or sermonizing, e.g. “Everybody Wants To See Heaven, Nobody Wants to Die”. 

Miscellaneous.  Tommy Aldridge, the drummer for Ozzy between Lee Kerslake and Randy Castillo (Diary of a Madman era) was the drummer for BOA at their peak and shows up in the RAH DVD.   Also, “You’re Crazy”, from G’N’R’s Appetite For Destruction, shows that Axl Rose can do a de facto BOA tribute song.  As the most famous band from Arkansas in the 1970s, BOA was friends with the governor, Bill Clinton.  On the new album, Dandy even remarks that, “me and a President, we didn’t inhale.”  Finally, BOA was on the bill at the famous California Jam in 1974 which featured Black Sabbath (Tony sans mustache), Deep Purple (Mark III) (Blackmore kills the TV camera with his Strat), and ELP, the headliner.

Shanghai 1937

More war!  More battle! And more China!   In particular, Shanghai 1937: Stalingrad on the Yangtze, by Peter Harmsen.   First off, it’s a good book in terms of identifying the parties involved, describing their backgrounds, and succinctly telling us what happened in terms of battles, units, casualties, etc.  Bravo.   I can recommend the book to anyone. 

However, I do have to take major issue with the author’s comparison with the battle of Stalingrad.

First, here’s what happened in Shanghai. In July 1937, the Japanese military presence in China was up in Manchuria, the northeastern part they really wanted.  Plus they were worried that Stalin would come down into Manchuria: 30 years after the Russo-Japanese War, and these two countries were still at it.  Anyhow.  The Chinese Generalissimo (Supreme Political and Military Leader) Chiang Kai Shek got the great idea to throw his best German-trained divisions into a street fighting meat grinder to take out the Japanese in downtown Shanghai.  In other words, a war of attrition in a city area which would hopefully destroy the Japanese presence in China.   This sounds more like the Germans’ plans for Verdun in World War I.

            Unfortunately for CKS, things didn’t work out as he planned.  The street fighting ate up his elite divisions like snow in July.  Fighting from heavily fortified positions, the Japanese were able to defend their urban sectors fairly easily.  Plus they had more aircraft, AND the Chinese Air Force was afraid of any anti-aircraft, so as soon as the flak went off, the Chinese pilots turned away and dropped their bombs nowhere close to the Japanese.   For their part, the Japanese also had several heavy cruisers on the river which provided artillery support to the Japanese forces in the city. 

            To make matters worse, the Chinese troops wasted fighting in downtown Shanghai were CKS’s elite, German trained forces, complete with M35 helmets, Mauser rifles, AND German advisors; miraculously, none of the advisors were killed in the battle. 

Second, the Japanese pulled some troops from Taiwan, some from Manchuria, some from home, landed them northeast and south of Shanghai, out in the countryside, sent them off to link up with each other, and proceeded to encircle Shanghai anyway.  Aside from one unit holding one building for propaganda purposes – which eventually ran into the International Settlement – the rest of the Chinese forces caught inside Shanghai had to run west to avoid being caught in the city. 

So the whole thing A) wiped out CKS’s best forces in street battles and B) essentially gave the Japanese Shanghai.   The most that could be said is that the Japanese did suffer heavy casualties in some specific engagements, but not enough to make a big difference. 

Let’s compare that with Stalingrad.   The Germans invaded Russia in June 1941.  They hoped to take Moscow by December, but were thrown back by elite Siberian units.  A temporary setback, but the Germans weren’t out of the equation yet.  In 1942 they resumed the offensive again.  By August, they reached Stalingrad, which is in southeast European Russia (west of the Urals) on the Volga river.  They bombed and shelled the city, and conquered all but the last sliver of territory on the west bank of the Volga.  Because of this, the Russians were able to resupply their forces on the west bank…from the east bank, although the Stukas tried to stop them.

            By November, the situation had changed.  Outside Stalingrad, the Red Army attacked the German flanks – mainly unhappy Italians and Romanians with no heavy weapons – and succeeded at surrounding the city.  The German pocket of the Sixth Army, containing roughly 250,000 men, was a large oval with Stalingrad proper on its eastern edge; the rest was open space.   Hitler forbade the Sixth Army from trying to break out.  Relief armies which tried to break the Soviet ring were smashed aside, and threatened with encirclement themselves.   Goering claimed the Luftwaffe could supply the Sixth Army by air, but couldn’t come close to getting the job done. 

            Finally, in February 1943, von Paulus, the commander of the Sixth Army, had to surrender.   Game over for the Sixth Army.   Oddly, even THAT didn’t end the Germans’ chances of winning the Eastern Front war.  It was a final battle in August 1943, Kursk – the largest tank battle in history – which finally blunted the Germans and forced them on the defensive.   But even then, it took until May 1945 – almost two years later – for the Nazis to fall.  Even in January 1945, the Red Army was still only in Poland. 

            So, how was Shanghai like Stalingrad?   The Japanese were the invaders.   Chiang Kai Shek allowed his men to escape the Japanese encirclement – with what forces were left, except for one division kept in one building as a symbolic gesture of resistance.  Moreover, Shanghai had a huge international settlement: the eyes of the world, through Western and American journalists, could observe the battle taking place blocks away.  Nothing like that occurred in Stalingrad, deep within a totalitarian dictatorship.  Street fighting + encirclement does not make a strong comparison.  Each battle needs to be viewed and considered on its own merits.  

Baretta

Here I don’t mean the Italian gunmaker – Beretta – but the 1975-78 American TV show with Robert Blake in the title role.

The series is not available on Netflix – and only Season 1 (12 episodes) – is available on DVD anyway.  I had no choice but to purchase Season 1 to watch it.  I did so because the show claims to take place in Newark, New Jersey, at the time.

Tony Baretta (Robert Blake).  Police detective, he lives in a hotel with his cockatoo Fred.  He drives a blue fullsize Impala.  The yellow ’70 GTO Judge in the opening credits was a bad guy who tried to run him over – about as much screen time as in the credits.  Baretta’s deal is that he’s “honest”, sympathetic to the more sympathetic crooks, and loves to disguise himself and assume all sorts of clever roles.  Bravo!

Fred.  The bird.  Just flies around and does a few tricks.  Not nearly as evil as Nigel in "Rio", nor as helpful as Snowy (Tintin’s dog).

Billy (Tom Ewell).   Yes, the hapless book publisher from “The Seven Year Itch” looks after Tony instead of lusting after Marilyn Monroe.  He’s put on weight but he’s a good friend.   In addition to looking after Fred when Tony’s off on the job, he also handles various odd jobs.

Lt. Schiller (Dana Elcar).  Baretta’s tough-as-nails, take-no-bullshit superior.  Schiller gives Tony his assignments and gives him the usual grief and flak we expect from police bureaucrats, but deep down he knows Tony’s a good cop.

Rooster (Michael Roberts).   Not Huggy Bear, but a similar dark-skinned lowlife pimp type who provides Tony with lots of useful and relevant street information on who the bad guys are, where they can be found, who they’re hanging out with, and what they’re up to.  Slick and sympathetic, as you might expect.

The plots are fairly standard and predictable.  Stephen J. Cannell apparently wrote all these shows in the 70s.  No surprises.  It's more entertaining to see many later film stars (e.g. Margot Kidder) in minor TV roles, but that's the charm of any of these 70's TV shows.

N.J. or L.A.?  This is by far the most egregious shortcoming of this show, and why I wouldn’t watch Seasons 2-4 even if they were available on DVD.  I was hoping to see northern New Jersey.  It wasn’t long before I recognized the palm trees, eternal sunshine, background mountains, plus the road signs for L.A. locations and fact that all cars have California tags.  ???  Viewers with any familiarity with L.A. would obviously recognize it.  Viewers with any familiarity with northern New Jersey will likewise see it’s clearly NOT Newark.  Plus once you get up near Newark, the NYC skyline – which at that time would have included both the Empire State Building and the World Trade Center – is clearly visible in the distance to the northeast.  Nope: just mountains.  This is like filming in Arizona and calling it Canada.  [In one episode he claims to be from Nutley, New Jersey, which is in fact where Blake came from.]

Robert Blake (real name: Michael Gubitosi).  Long before “Baretta”, he was a child actor: as Mickey in the “Our Gang” series, a continuation of the Little Rascals.  His character was the stereotype Italian-American kid.  I can’t say I recall ever seeing him.  This series started well before the talkies (1922) and ended well after (1944), so the late 30s era with Spanky, Darla, Alfalfa and Buckwheat (“O-TAY!”) was just a phase, albeit the most well-known, before he was involved.  From 1944 to 1975 he acted in various roles, the most famous of which was “In Cold Blood” in 1967.

Then, long after “Baretta”, Blake was charged with killing his wife, Bonnie Lee Blakley, in 2001.  The criminal proceedings took several years, but the jury acquitted him in 2005.  However (as with the O.J. Simpson case) a subsequent civil case ended up with a judgment against him for $30 million.  

The Freikorps

More history, and yes, yet again it comes from one of my favorite sources, the Osprey books I invariably put on my Amazon.com wishlist for Christmas and thus receive as gifts.   But they’re all fascinating.  At least to me: in this case, The German Freikorps 1918-23, by Carlos Caballero Jurado, and well-illustrated yet again by Mr. Ramiro Bujeiro.

Anyhow.  After World War I (formerly known as The Great War before World War II came around) Germany wound up Kaiser-less and in danger of Bolshevik minions establishing a Red dictatorship.   With a surplus of demobilized soldiers with a surplus of free time and deficit of useful outlets therefor, naturally this pool of excess military capacity rapidly congealed into volunteer units called the Freikorps.  Interestingly, the German republic was socialist, but moderate socialists (the SPD) who weren’t keen on following Russia into a totalitarian dictatorship – mind you, this was in 1918-20, before the Russian Civil War was even resolved in Lenin’s favor.   I’m not a big fan of socialism, but the absence of gulags in Sweden and Denmark – and all other European countries which have had socialist governments over the past 60 years – indicates that some discernment should be made between North Korea and these countries.  ANYHOW.

The first unit was the Eiserne Brigade (Iron Brigade) in Kiel, a response to the Volksmarine, the Red militia composed of sailors and soldiers.  General Maercker formed the Freiwilliege Landesjägerkorps, which established the standard format for Freikorps units.  Most were named after the particular officer or general who raised them: the troops were loyal to particular leaders they had served under during the war.  Even Von Lettow-Vorbeck, of East Africa fame, had a Freikorps unit.   Because of the ad hoc nature of these units, they were very often mixed-arms (infantry-cavalry-artillery) so as to be self-sufficient and flexible.  They were volunteer units, so not all members were actually military – some civilians filled the ranks.  And although called up from certain areas, they may actually fight in another part of the country (e.g. Bavaria or Upper Silesia). 

Uniform.   The basic uniform of Freikorps units was the field grey German WWI uniform with puttees.  A few Freikorps units dressed in civilian clothes, and Freikorps Bayreuth wore French Adrian helmets painted field grey.   The units then indulged in specific insignia for each of them, but essentially look like late WWI German soldiers.   Some units painted swastikas on the front of the helmets, although they weren’t actually NSDAP units.  Skull and crossbones (not SS) and arrow were also painted on helmets.

January 1919.  Spartakist Rebellion in Berlin.   Karl Liebknecht and Rosa Luxemburg (Flora Hamburger/Blackford) killed in the process.   Freikorps win.

Early 1919.  Red rebellions in Kiel, Bremerhaven, Hamburg, Wilhelmshaven. As these were port cities, the most of the Reds were sailors: the Volksmarine.   Freikorps units put out these fires and restored control.  (“And there was much rejoicing.”)

Red Army of the Ruhr.   Initial red rebellions erupted in the highly industrialized Ruhr area in 1919, and were put down by the Freikorps at that time.  In 1920 they erupted again, with a so-called Red Army of the Ruhr, large and well-organized, at the front.   This was also put down by the Freikorps in 1920, until the French marched in to restore order.  Incidentally, the Allies occupied the Ruhr not just in 1923 – the most well-known operation – but also earlier in May 1920 (as noted here), and March 1921.

Kapp Putsch.  Actually led by General von Luttwitz of the Ehrhardt Brigade, and centered on Berlin.  This failed: the SPD called a general strike, and von Luttwitz failed to coordinate with any other units.  While many of the leaders and rank and file of the Freikorps could be described as reactionary, and somewhat contemptuous of the Weimar Republic which they defended, this sentiment failed to reach a critical mass prompting these units to actually overthrow the socialist government.  This right-wing revolt, and the Nazi Putsch in 1923, had nowhere close to mass support, even within the Freikorps movement.

Bavarian Uprising.  In April 1919 the Communists took over Munich and proclaimed a red republic.  The Freikorps responded, surrounded the city, and put down the revolt by early May. 

Plebiscites in Poland.   With Poland becoming a new, independent country after the war, its borders were not quite established; in particular, Upper Silesia.  Although the May 1920 plebiscite resulted in a victory for the Germans, the Poles rebelled, took over the entire area, and hoped that doing so would effectively nullify the plebiscite results.   The German government refused to do more than whine to the Allies about obeying the results.  Without official backing, on their own, the Freikorps units banded together, arrived from all parts of Germany, and fought back - and succeeded at defeating the Polish irregulars.  Eventually the Allies intervened and allowed the territory to remain German.

Baltics & Russian Civil War.   Many Freikorps units went up to the Baltics.   On one hand, the Reds were streaming west from Petrograd and attempting to spread the revolution, or least military control, as far west as they could.  The Germans sympathized with the White Russians, and even allied with one Russian leader, Prince Avalov-Bermondt.  On the other hand, the Germans also hoped to make the Baltic countries eastern sectors of Germany, while the Estonians, Latvians and Lithuanians preferred their freedom.  After some initial cooperation at fighting the Reds, the Freikorps fell out with the Baltic armies, and the latter eventually expelled the Germans.  Note: the Latvians were actually hardcore Reds and formed the elite backbone of the nascent Red Army.

November 1923 Munich Putsch.   Not necessarily a Freikorps action per se, although there was some overlapping between the Nazi party forces and local Freikorps elements.  Of course the Putsch failed and Hitler went to prison, writing Mein Kampf there with Rudolf Hess’ cooperation.   The failure of the Putsch convinced Hitler that power would have to be taken by convential means, i.e. appointed Chancellor on January 30, 1933.

End of the Freikorps.   By 1923 the socialist government was sufficiently stable and established that it no longer felt the need for the Freikorps.  The Army was solidly behind the government – which it would remain.  Many Freikorps members joined the Nazis.   Most notable was Ernst Roehm, head of the S.A., who never abandoned his quest for a mass popular army – until Hitler put an end to his ambitions on June 30, 1934.  But the units had served their purpose and the Army and Police were sufficient to keep order from then on.

Kick Asses

As promised, here is part two of the Red-Ass-Burgundy Trilogy.  These movies are based on graphic novels which I have NOT read, so my reviews solely concern the films themselves. 

Kick Ass.   I’d balked at this film for some time because I thought it was just about some clown dressed up in costume and a little girl dressed up in costume.   Which it is.  But it is so much more than that.  In fact, it kicks ass.

            Dave Lizewski (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is a nerdy, bullied teen at a high school in New York.  Fed up with being pushed around, he orders a superhero costume off the Internet and ventures off as Kick-Ass – though without any super powers or even the slightest fighting ability.  Sure enough, he’s the one whose ass is kicked.  After being beaten up by street thugs, he’s hit by a car, and the resulting surgery leaves him with so much metal inside he’s a de facto Wolverine, without the adamantium claws or regeneration – or offensive capabilities:  more like an improved ability to absorb the inevitable punishment he endures because he still can’t fight to save his life.

            Meanwhile, big time crime lord Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong) finds his operations and minions being hammered by a mysterious caped crusader his hapless minions describe as “Bat Man”, but who turns out to be Big Daddy, aka Damon MacCready (Nicolas Cage).  Damon went to prison for a few years, framed by D’Amico and now intent on revenge.  Like Batman, he lacks super powers, per se, and is simply well-versed in martial arts, gadgets, and firearms skills.  His home is like a private arsenal, though falls well short of Bruce Wayne’s elaborate Bat Cave.

Instead of “Robin”, Big Daddy has a daughter, Mindy (Chloe Grace Moretz), who is as martially inclined and skilled as he is: Hit Girl, despite being all of …11?  Hit Girl rescues Kick-Ass and a bond is formed. Oh, Dave also has a bunch of nerdy friends, he tries to keep his identity a secret – even from them – and has a GF, Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca) who likes him because she thinks he’s gay.  Wait for the other shoe to drop….

            Meanwhile, D’Amico’s son Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, aka “McLovin” from “Superbad”) wants to impress his father, so he takes the persona of Red Mist, to betray Kick Ass by gaining his trust and forming a team – with the goal to lure Kick-Ass into an ambush.   That’s the plan, at least.  But nothing goes according to anyone’s plan.

            From there, things start getting VERY violent.   There is blood, explosions, deaths, a painful firey death, with a definite body count – most of it caused by Hit Girl herself, after Big Daddy the most dangerous person in the film.  As you can imagine, there is a final confrontation between Frank, Kick-Ass, and Hit Girl.   Although you can sense where the film will eventually go, the route it takes is not obvious and is definitely entertaining, if extremely violent.

Kick Ass 2.  Naturally there is a sequel.   Mindy tries to retire as Hit Girl and be a normal teenager (i.e. fit in with the popular girls at school), leaving Kick Ass to find another companion: amateur crime fighting team Justice Forever, led by Captain Stars & Stripes (Jim Carrey – as unrecognizable as in “The Mask”), a reformed mob hitman turned right wing maniac.  The team also includes Night Bitch (Lindy Booth), Dr Gravity, and Battle Guy (Dave’s friend Marty), more would-be superheroes without super powers or even anything remotely resembling fighting skills, or competence with or possession of firearms.  Katie dumps Dave, believing that he’s cheating on her with Mindy – who is still only about 13.  Although Dave is pretty buff, he’s still barely learning how to defend himself and is well below Hit Girl’s standards, so in addition to the age difference, Mindy probably wouldn’t be interested in a guy she still has to constantly rescue from his own incompetence.

            Meanwhle, Chris D’Amico, determined to avenge his father, renames himself Motherf**ker, and gets his personal assistant Javier (John Leguizamo) to recruit a super villain team, of which the most notable is Mother Russia (Olga Kurkulina) – a supremely bad-ass bitch.  This team dispatches Capt Stars, but also kills several cops (Mother Russia on her own, no less!), enraging the city against all superheroes, which lands Dave’s father in jail when he comes forward claiming to be Kick-Ass to cover for Dave.  

Naturally there is yet another showdown between Kick-Ass & Hit Girl vs. Motherf**ker and his host of baddies.  Hell, there’s even a shark in here.   Did I mention Ser Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen) is here as Chris’ Uncle Ralph?  While the ultimate outcome is fairly easy to predict, HOW that outcome is reached is still far from obvious and well worth watching.   In other words, this film also kicks ass.  Still not safe for children, though.

The Boxer Rebellion

It’s history time again, folks, and this chapter comes from another of those fine Osprey Men-At-Arms publications (which I got for Christmas), The Boxer Rebellion (by Lynn E. Bodin, and illustrated by Chris Warner).  These books give a very concise description of the events at issue and some nice color illustrations of the parties involved – plus some maps and black & white photos.

Background.  In 1900, China was still run by a monarchy, in particular the “Dowager Empress” Tzu Hsi.   “Foreign devils” still prevailed and pretty much told them what they could and could not do.  This had been going on since the Opium Wars of the 1840s, and even the Japanese got in on the act – they even took Korea away from the Chinese in a brief war in 1894.  

High time someone did something about it, right?  Well, the Boxers weren’t happy, and they did: these civilian troublemakers, officially calling themselves the Righteous and Harmonious Fists.  Tzu Hsi herself wanted the foreigners gone, and allowed the Boxers to do the dirty work.   The Boxers preferred to use primitive, traditional, weapons and rejected modern technology as “foreign”.  They also believed in magic, and that their magic would make them bulletproof.   Moreover, they considered Chinese Christians as traitors and mercilessly attacked these converts.    

In June 1900 the Boxers besieged the foreign delegation at Beijing and another one at the Pei T’ang Cathedral.   The Legation itself had a mixed bag of soldiers and sailors: from Austria-Hungary, France, Germany, Great Britain, Italy, Japan, Russia, and the U.S.   The cathedral was defended by French and Italian sailors.

A relief expedition led by British Admiral Seymour started out from Taku, went to Tientsin, then up northwest to Beijing.  However, the Admiral assumed the railroads would be in full working order.  Wrong.   A few things the Boxers grasped were the Europeans’ reliance on the telegraphs (which they cut) and the railroads, which they also cut.   This left the hapless Admiral with no choice but to return back to the arsenal at Hsiku, just outside Tientsin, and wait to be relieved.  D’oh!

In the meantime, the Boxers besieged Tientsin, which also had a sizable foreign legation.  It also seems the Boxers were getting substantial assistance from regular Chinese troops (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more).  Yet again, d’oh!

Now the Allies finally decided to get their act together.   With some clever planning, they attacked the Chinese forts at Taku on the coast, the first step of a line of attacks leading up to Beijing.   By June 17, Taku was in Allied hands and secured.  Just in time, because Tientsin was barely holding out – though they were defended by some well-designed forts built by none other than future president Herbert Hoover. 

The Allies sent a substantial force northwest from Taku, and by June 23 had reached Tientsin and rescued Admiral Seymour.  Then they attacked Tientsin, and after a heavy battle managed to secure it by July 14.  They regrouped and planned the next phase:  moving northwest up to Beijing.  Battles at Pei Tsang (8/5), Yang Tsun (8/6), and Tsungchow (8/12), then Beijing itself, which fell fairly easily on August 14 thanks to a clever US bugler, Calvin Titus – and no thanks to the damn Russians, who refused to go along with plans in an ill-advised competition with the Japanese to grab all the glory to themselves.  

Although this lifted the siege of Beijing, the rebellion still stewed on for several months.   The Boxers’ last stronghold, at Pao Ting Fu, fell on October 20.  A peace treaty was finally signed in 1901.   The terms were even harsher against the Chinese than the prior treaties, but the Chinese were not in a position to bargain.  Nevertheless, although the Boxers were defeated militarily, the resentment and anger against the Allies – I’d say “Europeans” except that the US and Japanese were also among the groups involved – continued for decades thereafter and stoked the “gearwheel” Nationalist movement.

Who participated in this? 

Austria-Hungary contributed 400 sailors from various warships.  Aboard the armored cruiser SMS Kaiserin und Konigin Maria Theresa was a naval officer named Georg Von Trapp.  Sound familiar?
France sent troops from...Vietnam.  While most were French troops who had been stationed in Indochina, a few were actually Annamite (Vietnamese) colonial troops.
Germany sent several brigades, including some marines.  The Germans wore slouch hats we usually associate with Australians.
Italy sent sailors, Bersaglieri (elite riflemen), some Alpini, artillery, and engineers.  Both the Italians and Germans also sent volunteer units raised at home expressly for this operation.
Most of the troops from Great Britain were actually Indian.
Japan sent two divisions of infantry, the most of any country.
The Russians sent almost as many as the Japanese, mostly from their local districts. [In 1904, war broke out between the Russians and Japanese as these troops remained there long after the Boxers had been subdued.]
The US had Army and Marine units involved....and Herbert Hoover.

"55 Days in Peking."  This is a 1963 film with David Niven as the British commander of the Beijing group and Charlton Heston as the commander of the US Marines in the legation.  Modestly entertaining but a good depiction of the events in question.  Ava Gardner is also in here, mainly to look pretty and cause a scandal.