Gigli v. Plan 9

Another X v. Y comparison, this time regarding two supposedly horrible films, each notorious for being total turkeys. Which is worse?

 Gigli. Jennifer Lopez plays a lesbian "hitwoman" and Ben Affleck is the oversexed "hitman", both assigned to watch over a mentally challenged younger brother of a Federal prosecutor, really as a hostage to force the US attorney to drop charges against a crook – who is played by...Al Pacino! Throw this one into the "Love at First Hate" category, which we could see a mile away. While Affleck’s character gives us is "you’re the cow, I’m the bull"-shit, Lopez’ gives her own variety of Zen Buddhist lesbian ideology – each being somewhat entertaining on their own terms even if you can’t really take them seriously. Ultimately they figure they can’t knock off the kid, who has grown on them (especially his endearing devotion to "the Baywatch").

 Redeeming factors? Pacino, who basically reprises his Satan character from "The Devil’s Advocate"; Christopher Walken, with a brief part as a local cop (similar to his "Pulp Fiction" role); and Lopez, who is so hot in this film it cancels out her complete nonsense. She reminded me of an Asian chick I used to date, but truth be told, Lopez is 10x hotter than her, particularly in this film. Perhaps the ladies aren’t going to consider that much of a offset, unless they feel the same way about Ben Affleck. He does get to show off some beefcake, if that’s your scene.

However, overall I don’t think the movie is "shit" or "bad", it’s nothing worse than merely mediocre. I’m puzzled why it has such a terrible reputation.

 Plan 9 From Outer Space. The classic Ed Wood sci-fi/horror low budget masterpiece from 1958. Hmm. Aliens from another planet come down in a flying saucer and bring the dead to life! We’ve combined sci-fi and horror in the same movie! Vampira lurks around with an improbably slim waist, huge hands awkwardly probing in front of her, neither scary nor attractive (not much competition to Elvira or Morticia); the vampire guy simply holds his cape in front of his face (hiding the fact that he's a vampire??), and walks at what looks like a snail’s pace (can’t anyone outrun him??); and the zombie police chief simply scowls - "ooh, scary, spooky!" as Count Floyd, the Canadian vampire from SCTV might say.

 It turns out the aliens – who look like humans in Flash Gordon gear - are disturbed that humans have developed the atom bomb, and it’s only a matter of time before these stupid, puny humans ("all humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!!!") learn to explode solar atoms, which will create a chain reaction to destroy the sun itself and then the whole universe. Uhh, yeah (in Bill Lumbergh voice). The heroes are a Pentagon officer, the local police detective, and a commercial airline pilot (Will Ferrell for a remake?). They manage to smash up some of the aliens’ machines (which look like vacuum tube computers – space travel with vacuum tube technology, something we expect from the Russians!) and set the flying saucer on fire. Boom! That’s it for the threat. So much for superior alien technology.

 Is this really such a bad film? I suppose I’m the wrong person to judge, as I generally don't like horror films. To me 99% are crap, with only a few such as "The Thing" (Carpenter version) and "The Sixth Sense" being awesome enough to trascend the genre and merit serious consideration as real movies. It certainly wasn’t unwatchable or damnably laughable. I thought it was entertaining, which is what movies are all about, right?

Neither is "worse" because neither was really "bad" after all. What’s the big deal?

 I’ve never felt a movie was so bad that I actually left the movie theater before it was over. The closest to this was "The Thin Red Line", the atrocious WWII movie with Jim Caviezel. It came out at the same time as "Saving Private Ryan" but wasn’t anywhere close to as good. The action sequences weren’t bad at all. What was frustrating was that the film was so damn long. Just when you thought it was over, they’d go back to some stupid sequence of naked kids swimming on some idyllic tropical beach, like this was some deep-ass philosophical bullshit countering the blood and mayhem with which it was alternating. No, it was just plain annoying. I was tempted to leave early, but decided to stick through it.

 A movie I actually returned without finishing was "The Valley", the movie for which Pink Floyd’s album Obscured By Clouds was the soundtrack. Plot? Incredibly stupid. A bunch of idiotic hippies have some stupid gay feather, and they’re looking for more of these feathers, on an island which has a portion which – like Skull Island in "King Kong" – is perpetually covered by clouds and thus only attainable on foot. I got fed up about halfway through, so maybe they did meet a huge ape or some dinosaurs (though I doubt it). No sign of Jessica Lange or anyone as hot as her. I’m as big a Pink Floyd fan as anyone else, and I do love Obscured By Clouds (particularly "Free Four") but this movie was too much to endure. "More" is a far better film – a better plot, even if it does end somewhat abruptly. LSD & heroin on Ibiza? Pot in Paris? And a good soundtrack? This film IS worth checking out.