Cold Gin Time Again

Here’s a tribute to alcohol – in various formats.

Beer.  Probably my favorite.  As with most alcoholic beverages it’s an acquired taste.  I was a slow starter, and pretty much made up for being dry in high school by being tanked in college.  “Tanked”, though, is relative.  Compared to others at University of Maryland, I was probably average.  I was “tanked” relative to my virtually nil drinking in high school.  The drinking was never heavy and tapered off after college, and never came close to alcoholism.  I was never a heavy drinker.

Heineken.  This has a special spot for me, for several reasons:

            A.         Back when we returned to Paris on semester break in college – drinking age 14 in Paris, 21 in the US – we’d hit Roscoe’s.  Instead of the Stella Artois on tap, I’d exclusively drink Heineken.  Not sure why, just preferred something more upscale than what was on draft.

            B.         When I’d visit my buddy Ken in New Jersey, our first stop after I finished the 4 hour drive was usually a beer run to the local liquor store, and it was usually Heineken we picked out.  Good memories.

            C.         Not sure why, but Viets seem to drink Heineken or Corona.  They have their own beer, “33”, which is not bad, but not special either.  I’ve never seen a Viet (or anyone else) drink 33 though.  Why do they bother importing it??

            D.         I saw at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, that they have a home tap setup, which keeps the mini-keg cool and keeps track of the quantity.  Very cool, if expensive ($279).  Too bad it only works with Heineken mini-kegs.  I like the idea, but not enough to limit myself to only one brand of beer, as good as it may be.

Types.  I’m more into pilsners, and I can’t stand stouts (like Guinness), ambers (like Killians) or any thick ale.  German beers all have to obey that damn Rheinheitsgebot (or whatever the beer purity law is) which means they have to all taste equally strong and skunky, sort of like the Phil Hartman impression of the German chick on Sprockets (SNL); that goes for Samuel Adams and most microbrews.  I can endure Beck’s or St Pauli Girl, though.  Belgians are famous for their beer, but I never had much more than Stella Artois.  I love Brazilian beer (Brahma, Antarctica or Skol) which seems to blend the skill of German beer – they had plenty of Germans there teaching them how to brew it – without so much of the nasty aftertaste, a good compromise.  Light beer is ok, but Michelob Ultra is a bit TOO thin.  What happened to Michelob Dry and Coors Extra Gold?

Beer Snobs.  A friend of mine (name withheld, lol) recently turned into a beer snob.  Unless it’s some obnoxious microbrew or stout, it’s horse piss to him now, even quality beer we used to drink without a fuss.  To me, though, being a beer snob seems to be trying to have your cake and eat it too: being a snob for alcohol without having the stigma of being pretentious like the wine snobs. Sorry, snob = pretentious.  My only snobbery with regard to beer is refusing to drink cheap beer, such as Schlitz, Miller High Life, Busch, or Milwaukee’s Best, which definitely do taste like cheap, shitty beer.  For some reason, everyone’s 12 year old introduction to beer seems to be with the worst, cheapest beer imaginable.  I tend to buy Michelob or Icehouse these days.  The ice beers do seem to have a stronger kick without tasting any nastier.

Can vs. Bottle.  Screw them both.  I drink only out of a glass.  Something about cans makes beer taste 100x more filling, and even a bottle isn’t that great.  Just pour it into a pint glass.

Ads.  The beer ads for some reason are the most clever – especially during the Super Bowl.  I’m not sure why this should be, but it indoubtedly is.

Malt beverages.  Apparently someone figured out how to make a beer with absolutely no flavor, so they could put whatever taste they want into it and screw around with it with countless different flavors (sorta like schnapps).  I don’t mind these, as they taste pretty good (at least most of them) and are considerably less filling than normal beer – though according to the scientists, they are still beer.  Back on Rio Trip V I waltzed down the Suvaco do Cristo bloco drinking Smirnoff Ices and chomping down mystery meat on a stick dipped in sawdust, topless, before meeting up near the Jockey Clube with minha amiga.  Woohoo!  I think we went to the hippie fair in Ipanema after that, though my memory is somewhat hazy on the details.

Blame Canada.  The beer in Canada is stronger.  Labatt’s Blue, Molson, etc. are stronger in their local forms that what we get in the US (export versions).  I found out the hard way in ’91 when I visited my high school buddies in Ottawa.  I ended up listening to Max Webster’s “Hangover”...on a hangover.

Hard Cider.  This stuff is great.  Woodchuck Granny Smith is my favorite, though I love them all.  Much less filling than beer with even more kick.  My buddy and I went to NYC in June 2001 to see Nebula, and I kicked back 7-8 draft ciders while waiting to see the band.  I could never have done that with beer, at least not in that short frame of time.

Wine is fine but whiskey’s quicker.  I could never get into wine, though by now I know the difference between the different varieties.  To me it’s impossible for a guy to be “into” wine without being pretentious, although Brendan “put it back in the horse” Frasier and John “Monty Python” Cleese come close.  The stupid thing is that most guys who get into wine seem to assume that “getting into it” instantly makes you an expert.  Uh-uh.  It just makes you pretentious.

            Cleese did a remarkable wine-tasting video which demonstrated two interesting facts: most wine enthusiasts (or at least, the 50 or so idiots he found) can neither distinguish between white wine or red wine (without looking at it) or between a $20 wine vs. a $200 wine.  Watch “Sideways” if you think being a wine snob necessarily makes you sophisticated: it doesn’t.

Wine Coolers.  Remarkably, these are still around.  Who is drinking them?  I don’t even see women drinking them anymore.  They seem to have gone out with “Moonlighting” (Bruce Willis with hair – who can remember that??).  Bartles & James is still available at the local stores, even though the ads are long gone.  I suppose the same people drinking this have Dr. Pepper in their fridge.  If you’re having an 80’s party, by all means stock up on these.

Mixed drinks and straight alcohol.  I’m not keen on these, though sex on the beach is my favorite, with a caipirinha being a close second.  Remarkably, the bartenders at the Rio Hotel in Vegas had no idea how to make Rio de Janeiro’s official mixed drink (crushed limes with sugar and cachaça, sugar cane liquor), or even what it was.  Though the buffet included pizza, so I won’t complain too much.  Martinis are – guess what – pretentious, especially since they’re mostly just gin anyway (or vodka, “shhhaken not shhhtirrred”, thank you, Jamesshhh Bond).

The same pretentiousness applies to any doofus going on about a 100 point whiskey (or whisky).  Where is it written that if you’re hammered out of your skull, and cradling the porcelain companion after a technicolor yawn, on Patron (tequila) or some 1000 year old wine, that it makes you better than the idiot in the next stall puking out all the Budweiser he’s been drinking all night?  Drunk is drunk, and Dudley Moore is as much an idiot as any stupid frat rat.  Enough.

Absinthe.  Honorable mention for the liquor of choice of turn-of-the-century impressionists.  Mix it 50/50 with water (as you would anti-freeze) and add some sugar, and you have a pale green liquid that tastes like...licorice.  I have a bottle of the real stuff, but never saw the green fairy.  So far as I can tell it’s overrated.  I haven’t had enough of the Deer (aka Jagermeister) to complain or comment on how it compares, but no one I know has gotten visuals from it.  I trust James Hetfield is long past that phase.

Music.  As the title indicates, there is no shortage of musical tributes to various forms of alcohol and excessive consumption thereof.  A few of my favorites: “Cold Gin” (KISS), “Have a Drink On Me” (AC/DC), “High’n’Dry” (Def Leppard), “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” (George Thorogood); “Suicide Solution” (Ozzy) (I’m not thrilled with “Demon Alcohol”).  I’m sure there are plenty more, which I’m forgetting (!) or which I simply don’t care for.

Impact.  Alcohol is probably the drug with the most notoriously negative impact on society.  Even marijuana, which has grown more acceptable within mainstream society, still doesn’t have the reach and depth of impact that alcohol does.  A majority of broken marriages, domestic disputes, wife battering, child abuse, traffic accidents due to drunk driving, and so on are caused not by marijuana, nicotine, caffeine, LSD, valium, sleeping pills, heroin, cocaine, etc. but by alcohol.  Bon Scott (AC/DC), John Bonham (Led Zeppelin), and Steve Clark (Def Leppard) all owe their demises to alcohol.  Prohibition (1919-1933) proved that alcohol use cannot be eliminated even if it is outlawed, and Prohibition itself can plausibly be blamed for the rise in organized crime in the US.  No other drug comes close – we’re stuck with it, whether we like it or not.