Beer

I have 730 blog entries, counting this one, and for some reason I’ve never covered this topic.  Although it’s actually Friday the Thirteenth, I have nothing pertinent to say about that besides simply recognizing the fact itself.  So here you go.

I’m not an alcoholic, never have been, and don’t expect to become one by the end of my existence, whenever that happens. 

As far as I can remember, my very first experience with beer of any kind was sipping my cousin’s Schlitz in the mid-to-late 70s, at which time I’d have been under 9 years old.  Anyone familiar with Schlitz might emphasize with my highly negative reaction to the beverage.  The next one up was high school, when I went to Brussels with the school’s rugby team, and teammate/classmate Chris Bren bought me a Stella Artois at the local bar, which was considerably smoother and enjoyable than Schlitz, though it didn’t induce me to begin drinking.

College.   As noted on multiple occasions, I went to the University of Maryland, College Park, from fall 1986 to summer 1990, living on campus that entire time.  (My parents actually moved back from Paris that summer but allowed my brother, who had one more year to go, to serve out his term on campus).  Freshman year I hung out with a bunch of guys and wound up drinking heavily.   Moreover, whenever my father came by he would buy me beer by the case.  Despite this, I didn’t get hammered all the time, only threw up a couple of times, and never passed out.  I recall at least one frat party, Theta Chi, fall semester of sophomore year.  Essentially college was the time when I learned my limits and what to expect. 

Oddly, I drink about 2 beers a night and 3-4 per night on the weekend.  It’s a rare night I don’t drink any beer at all.   I don’t drink to get drunk and haven’t had a hangover in who knows how long.

DUIs.  Never got a DUI.  Generally I don’t drink when I know I’ll be driving, except to frontload a single beer at a restaurant, especially if I’ll be seeing a movie after that, putting 2+ hours in between the beer consumption and the actual drive home.

IPAs.   Never got into India Pale Ales, which seems to be the affectation going around these days.   To me they taste like a regular beer given a nasty taste to be more pretentious.    Nor do I like dark beers, which seem like coffee mixed with beer.  Beer is naturally awkward tasting, why make it even worse? 

Pilsners.  These are my favorites:  Coors Regular, Icehouse, and standard American beers.  Maybe they’re weaker and blander than IPAs or dark beers, but that’s fine with me.

Where are?   A few of them have disappeared.   Michelob Ultra is still around, but I can’t seem to find regular Michelob.  I was watching “The Big Lebowski” a few weeks ago.   The Dude’s (Jeff Bridges) preference for White Russians is legendary, of course, but I noticed when he’s at the bowling alley with Walter (John Goodman) and “you’re out of your element” Donny (Steve Buscemi) they’re usually drinking Miller Genuine Draft (aka MGD).   Can’t seem to find that around anymore either.

Genesee.  The band King Buffalo are from Rochester, New York, and copied the Genesee logo for a sticker with their name on it.  I found 30 pack at Total Wine for $20.   Cheap, but remarkably substantial.  Another favorite.

Pabst Blue Ribbon.   This beer won a blue ribbon at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, thus the name.  The Extra variety, with a black can, is 6.5% and tastes pretty nice.

Coors.  When I visited my friend Phil in Boulder, Colorado, back in 2009, we visited the brewery, which is south of Denver.  They have tours and a nice gift shop.  Coors Extra Gold is long gone, but the brewers told me it was regular Coors with a fraction (25%? 33%?) of Killian’s Irish Red mixed in.   I drink regular Coors, not Coors Lite.  By now I've probably consumed over 400 cases (9600) though I haven't been keeping count.

Virus jokes aside, Corona is not bad, certainly tolerable, though I rarely buy it myself.  If someone offered it to me I'd be happy to drink it. Basically I prefer pilsners with a little kick, but not as skunky as IPAs.

Heineken.  This one has a special place for two reasons.  First, when I was in college, I was underage at College Park.  But my parents still lived in Paris, which I’d visit on semester breaks.  Back in Paris, the drinking age was 14, so I could buy beer normally.  The bar we went to, Roscoe’s was just off the Champs Elysees.  I’d make it a point to buy Heineken.

Later on, after college, periodically I’d visit my buddy Ken in New Jersey.   Upon arriving chez lui, we’d go on a beer run for that weekend’s supply, and would typically get Heineken.   Years later he caught the IPA bug and insisted that Heineken was now urine.   Whatever. 

Cerveja.  Apparently not widely known, but Brazilians do a good job making beer.  Around the turn of the century, many Germans emigrated not only to the US, but further south to Brazil.  They gravitated to the far south, like Rio Grande do Sul, though as far north as São Paulo state there are German-style towns with the familiar gingerbread style houses.  Frau Brady, Gisele, is from Rio Grande do Sul - and doesn't that name sound German, Bundchen?  Naturally, the Germans brought their brewing expertise with them.  The two most popular brands are Brahma and Antarctica.  Sadly, it seems you can't find Brazilian beer in the US anymore, even in NJ & NY where most of the Brazilians live in the US.  

Hard Cider.  I suppose this deserves a place here.  I love cider, though I don’t drink it as often as I used to.   Woodchuck was my favorite brand, Granny Smith my favorite flavor, though Angry Orchard is not bad.  This is trendy affectation I don’t mind too much. 

While I’m on the topic of alcoholic beverages, I might as well address these two.

Wine.   To me, wine is for women, or anyone else who can’t handle the taste of beer.  I’ve had red and whites over the years and learned the merlot/pinot noir/cabernet sauvignon & zinfandel/Riesling/sauvignon blanc deal.  All this “red meat with red wine, white meat with white wine” and other B.S. bores me.   The primary purpose of wine is get drunk AND be pretentious at the same time, as getting drunk on beer doesn’t have the same distinction.  “That’s $90 vomit!”

Hard Liquor & Mixed Drinks.   Ideally these are for alcoholics who get full on beer or wine before they get drunk.  As my tolerance has increased by zero since I started drinking in college, 300 years ago, no need to indulge in these.  A fancy drink, e.g. a martini, is for those who want to be pretentious and really want to fast-forward to the part where they get drunk, as wine is too weak to get that job done quickly.  

Cold Gin Time Again

Here’s a tribute to alcohol – in various formats.

Beer.  Probably my favorite.  As with most alcoholic beverages it’s an acquired taste.  I was a slow starter, and pretty much made up for being dry in high school by being tanked in college.  “Tanked”, though, is relative.  Compared to others at University of Maryland, I was probably average.  I was “tanked” relative to my virtually nil drinking in high school.  The drinking was never heavy and tapered off after college, and never came close to alcoholism.  I was never a heavy drinker.

Heineken.  This has a special spot for me, for several reasons:

            A.         Back when we returned to Paris on semester break in college – drinking age 14 in Paris, 21 in the US – we’d hit Roscoe’s.  Instead of the Stella Artois on tap, I’d exclusively drink Heineken.  Not sure why, just preferred something more upscale than what was on draft.

            B.         When I’d visit my buddy Ken in New Jersey, our first stop after I finished the 4 hour drive was usually a beer run to the local liquor store, and it was usually Heineken we picked out.  Good memories.

            C.         Not sure why, but Viets seem to drink Heineken or Corona.  They have their own beer, “33”, which is not bad, but not special either.  I’ve never seen a Viet (or anyone else) drink 33 though.  Why do they bother importing it??

            D.         I saw at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, that they have a home tap setup, which keeps the mini-keg cool and keeps track of the quantity.  Very cool, if expensive ($279).  Too bad it only works with Heineken mini-kegs.  I like the idea, but not enough to limit myself to only one brand of beer, as good as it may be.

Types.  I’m more into pilsners, and I can’t stand stouts (like Guinness), ambers (like Killians) or any thick ale.  German beers all have to obey that damn Rheinheitsgebot (or whatever the beer purity law is) which means they have to all taste equally strong and skunky, sort of like the Phil Hartman impression of the German chick on Sprockets (SNL); that goes for Samuel Adams and most microbrews.  I can endure Beck’s or St Pauli Girl, though.  Belgians are famous for their beer, but I never had much more than Stella Artois.  I love Brazilian beer (Brahma, Antarctica or Skol) which seems to blend the skill of German beer – they had plenty of Germans there teaching them how to brew it – without so much of the nasty aftertaste, a good compromise.  Light beer is ok, but Michelob Ultra is a bit TOO thin.  What happened to Michelob Dry and Coors Extra Gold?

Beer Snobs.  A friend of mine (name withheld, lol) recently turned into a beer snob.  Unless it’s some obnoxious microbrew or stout, it’s horse piss to him now, even quality beer we used to drink without a fuss.  To me, though, being a beer snob seems to be trying to have your cake and eat it too: being a snob for alcohol without having the stigma of being pretentious like the wine snobs. Sorry, snob = pretentious.  My only snobbery with regard to beer is refusing to drink cheap beer, such as Schlitz, Miller High Life, Busch, or Milwaukee’s Best, which definitely do taste like cheap, shitty beer.  For some reason, everyone’s 12 year old introduction to beer seems to be with the worst, cheapest beer imaginable.  I tend to buy Michelob or Icehouse these days.  The ice beers do seem to have a stronger kick without tasting any nastier.

Can vs. Bottle.  Screw them both.  I drink only out of a glass.  Something about cans makes beer taste 100x more filling, and even a bottle isn’t that great.  Just pour it into a pint glass.

Ads.  The beer ads for some reason are the most clever – especially during the Super Bowl.  I’m not sure why this should be, but it indoubtedly is.

Malt beverages.  Apparently someone figured out how to make a beer with absolutely no flavor, so they could put whatever taste they want into it and screw around with it with countless different flavors (sorta like schnapps).  I don’t mind these, as they taste pretty good (at least most of them) and are considerably less filling than normal beer – though according to the scientists, they are still beer.  Back on Rio Trip V I waltzed down the Suvaco do Cristo bloco drinking Smirnoff Ices and chomping down mystery meat on a stick dipped in sawdust, topless, before meeting up near the Jockey Clube with minha amiga.  Woohoo!  I think we went to the hippie fair in Ipanema after that, though my memory is somewhat hazy on the details.

Blame Canada.  The beer in Canada is stronger.  Labatt’s Blue, Molson, etc. are stronger in their local forms that what we get in the US (export versions).  I found out the hard way in ’91 when I visited my high school buddies in Ottawa.  I ended up listening to Max Webster’s “Hangover”...on a hangover.

Hard Cider.  This stuff is great.  Woodchuck Granny Smith is my favorite, though I love them all.  Much less filling than beer with even more kick.  My buddy and I went to NYC in June 2001 to see Nebula, and I kicked back 7-8 draft ciders while waiting to see the band.  I could never have done that with beer, at least not in that short frame of time.

Wine is fine but whiskey’s quicker.  I could never get into wine, though by now I know the difference between the different varieties.  To me it’s impossible for a guy to be “into” wine without being pretentious, although Brendan “put it back in the horse” Frasier and John “Monty Python” Cleese come close.  The stupid thing is that most guys who get into wine seem to assume that “getting into it” instantly makes you an expert.  Uh-uh.  It just makes you pretentious.

            Cleese did a remarkable wine-tasting video which demonstrated two interesting facts: most wine enthusiasts (or at least, the 50 or so idiots he found) can neither distinguish between white wine or red wine (without looking at it) or between a $20 wine vs. a $200 wine.  Watch “Sideways” if you think being a wine snob necessarily makes you sophisticated: it doesn’t.

Wine Coolers.  Remarkably, these are still around.  Who is drinking them?  I don’t even see women drinking them anymore.  They seem to have gone out with “Moonlighting” (Bruce Willis with hair – who can remember that??).  Bartles & James is still available at the local stores, even though the ads are long gone.  I suppose the same people drinking this have Dr. Pepper in their fridge.  If you’re having an 80’s party, by all means stock up on these.

Mixed drinks and straight alcohol.  I’m not keen on these, though sex on the beach is my favorite, with a caipirinha being a close second.  Remarkably, the bartenders at the Rio Hotel in Vegas had no idea how to make Rio de Janeiro’s official mixed drink (crushed limes with sugar and cachaça, sugar cane liquor), or even what it was.  Though the buffet included pizza, so I won’t complain too much.  Martinis are – guess what – pretentious, especially since they’re mostly just gin anyway (or vodka, “shhhaken not shhhtirrred”, thank you, Jamesshhh Bond).

The same pretentiousness applies to any doofus going on about a 100 point whiskey (or whisky).  Where is it written that if you’re hammered out of your skull, and cradling the porcelain companion after a technicolor yawn, on Patron (tequila) or some 1000 year old wine, that it makes you better than the idiot in the next stall puking out all the Budweiser he’s been drinking all night?  Drunk is drunk, and Dudley Moore is as much an idiot as any stupid frat rat.  Enough.

Absinthe.  Honorable mention for the liquor of choice of turn-of-the-century impressionists.  Mix it 50/50 with water (as you would anti-freeze) and add some sugar, and you have a pale green liquid that tastes like...licorice.  I have a bottle of the real stuff, but never saw the green fairy.  So far as I can tell it’s overrated.  I haven’t had enough of the Deer (aka Jagermeister) to complain or comment on how it compares, but no one I know has gotten visuals from it.  I trust James Hetfield is long past that phase.

Music.  As the title indicates, there is no shortage of musical tributes to various forms of alcohol and excessive consumption thereof.  A few of my favorites: “Cold Gin” (KISS), “Have a Drink On Me” (AC/DC), “High’n’Dry” (Def Leppard), “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” (George Thorogood); “Suicide Solution” (Ozzy) (I’m not thrilled with “Demon Alcohol”).  I’m sure there are plenty more, which I’m forgetting (!) or which I simply don’t care for.

Impact.  Alcohol is probably the drug with the most notoriously negative impact on society.  Even marijuana, which has grown more acceptable within mainstream society, still doesn’t have the reach and depth of impact that alcohol does.  A majority of broken marriages, domestic disputes, wife battering, child abuse, traffic accidents due to drunk driving, and so on are caused not by marijuana, nicotine, caffeine, LSD, valium, sleeping pills, heroin, cocaine, etc. but by alcohol.  Bon Scott (AC/DC), John Bonham (Led Zeppelin), and Steve Clark (Def Leppard) all owe their demises to alcohol.  Prohibition (1919-1933) proved that alcohol use cannot be eliminated even if it is outlawed, and Prohibition itself can plausibly be blamed for the rise in organized crime in the US.  No other drug comes close – we’re stuck with it, whether we like it or not.