A few months ago my brother took me to the Nationals game at Nationals Park, my first baseball game ever. Although the Nationals performed poorly against the Phillies – and the crowd was 50% Phillies fans – I still enjoyed the experience. Maybe not enough to get season tickets, but if the opportunity arises again, I’d be inclined to take it. I’ve driven past Camden Yards in Baltimore dozens of times without ever attending an Orioles game. I suppose I’m long overdue. But this gives me the opportunity to comment on sports other than the two I actually follow: NFL and professional soccer.
Baseball. It’s funny, I understand most of baseball. Balls, strikes, walks, outs, fly balls, innings, home runs, grand slams, etc. I even understand about rotating pitchers whose arms wear out and drift further and further from strikeouts, much less no-hitters. One of my favorite Intellivision games was the MLB game.
What I really don’t buy into is this “America’s past-time”, “take me out to the ball game”, nostalgic reverence for baseball and adoration for Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Hank Aaron, Mickey Mantle, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, etc., the classic ballparks, and really can’t stand “The Natural”, “Bull Durham”, “Major League”, “The Rookie” and all those teary-eyed baseball movies – much less sharing George Will’s bizarre, academic, abstract appreciation for the game. I zone out about National League vs. American League, and don’t follow the games. I don’t even watch during the World Series. But if I’m forced to watch a game, I can follow it and enjoy it. I played baseball and softball in school much younger, and I tended to enjoy it – with the exception of being stuck out in the outfield by a coach who didn’t like me. I was OK – I could hit the ball and catch it fairly well, not spectacularly but not useless either; “adequate” probably best describes my aptitude at baseball. Aside from that, I’m fairly neutral (definitely not hostile) towards baseball. I suppose I’m an Orioles fan, but very lukewarm at best.
Basketball. Like soccer, basketball can rapidly change from offense to defense, but the scores are much higher – never a 0-0 tie! – and the action is far more intense. But for some reason I can’t really get into it. Here’s another sport where I understand the basics but zone out on the subtleties. I don’t watch the Finals. I don’t even have a favorite team. As for ability, I’m in the lower percentiles in amateur games, just one step up from totally useless. (If I had to pick the sport I play best at, it would be soccer.)
Hockey. Same with hockey. I get the idea – skate around on the ice, try to hit the puck into the net past the goalie. Beyond that I zone out again. And I don’t have a favorite team. The fights don’t interest me either. I have never played ice hockey, but I enjoyed field hockey ages ago at school.
Lacrosse. Never played this, even at college. I really can’t imagine why anyone athletic enough to play lacrosse wouldn’t prefer to play football instead. I wouldn’t call it a “faggot sport” but it really doesn’t compete well with most any other team sport.
Golf. Talk about boring. I’ve played golf a few times, and really did not like it. Face it: your best case scenario is to hit the ball into the hole the first time, every time, and then go home. The sole source of enjoyment I get on a golf course is driving the cart around.
Golf strikes me as a sport designed to (hope) to make you look rich and sophisticated without having a shred of athletic ability or working up a sweat – a game for rich, out-of-shape men to enjoy. It’s a degree removed from sitting in a fishing boat, drinking beer and waiting for a fish dumb enough to bite your hook. At least with golf you walk around, swing a club, and walk some more. I agree it takes skill to golf well, but I still find hitting the ball – whether with a driver, an iron, or a putter – very dull and watching someone else do it, no matter how good they are, is ten times duller. The sad part this is this: the easier they make it look, the better they are at it, the more boring it looks.
Bowling. I went bowling recently, and enjoyed it. Of course, this time the alley had gutter guards, which prevented 2-3 of the balls in each game from being gutter balls. I did get a few strikes and spares. This is a game I’d probably enjoy more if I had some decent lessons and better technique. Unfortunately, I don’t know how much I’d enjoy throwing 11 strikes (a perfect 300 game), but this is something I probably don’t have to worry about.
Boxing/MMA. I don’t care if it’s Rocky, Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali, or whoever, I find this dull. Two guys beating each other up. And MMA tends to degenerate into jiu jitsu all too often, which to my eyes is indistinguishable from wrestling (not the make-believe professional type). I did enjoy aikido when I was involved with that (1995-99, ending up with a black belt) but watching martial arts or boxing is not particularly interesting. Some of the movies, e.g. “Enter the Dragon” and Jackie Chan films, or the more recent slew of implausibly but impressively choreographed martial films such as “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” or even “Kung Fu Shuffle” and “Kung Fu Panda” (yes, I know it’s animated) are enjoyable. I suppose “The Matrix” even qualifies as a martial arts film.
The Olympics. I tend to zone out on this: leaving aside sports like soccer or basketball which have non-Olympic equivalents, the main summer Olympic games are track and field, which don’t interest me. Skiing is OK for winter Olympics, but not exciting to watch – much more fun to actually do in person.
X-Games. I watched some of the skateboarding and biking. They look fun. Like skiing, this looks like something more fun to do than to watch. Unfortunately, 42 seems a little old for skateboarding, but I was tempted to join in at Venice Beach were it not for….not having a skateboard.
Women and sports. About the only women’s sport I pay any attention to is gymnastics, but “women” there is loosely used, few of these girls are as old as 16. They do have nice legs.
As for women actually watching sports: my experience is that the majority of women do not care for sports, even (or especially) women’s sports. Those that do, do so for the following reasons: (1) to hook up with guys, (2) to watch the guys playing the sports, or (3) shock, horror and amazement, they actually DO like the sport.
Poker. PLEASE, don’t get me started on this. This is not a sport. Why is this on ESPN? I agree it takes skill to play, a skill I concede I lack. But this requires no athletic ability. Big Blue could play it. Keep it off the “sports” channel.
Having said all these nasty things about other sports, I will agree 100% that soccer – one of my own favorites – can be excruciatingly dull to watch, especially those terrible games that go on for 0-0 even after overtime and require a penalty shoot-out (which is only required when they absolutely, positively can’t tolerate a tie). And the brutal action of the NFL is often interrupted by penalties, commercials (scarcely appreciable with the obvious exception of the Super Bowl), and referee review of questionable calls. Bad games are bad games. But those are the sports I enjoy watching – and to a lesser extent, when the opportunity arises, playing.
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