Hockey

I had been planning to discuss the last Kings of France, but when the Capitals won the Stanley Cup Finals in game 5 against the Vegas Golden Knights last night, I decided this topic was more timely.   Those of you sitting on the edge of your seats dying to know about Louis XVIII, Charles X, and Louis Phillippe, will have to wait a week.  Hockey was not a big thing in France from 1814 to 1848.  Sorry.

Despite being from the DC area, I’ve never been much of a Capitals fan.  They’re affectionately known as the Caps.  I’d suppose they might be referred to as the Craps in Las Vegas, were it not that this word means something quite different in that city due to its main source of income.   

They share the same venue, the Verizon Center, as the basketball team, the Wizards.  That team was formerly known as the Bullets, until the crybabies whined that the name was a sad reflection on DC’s unsuccessful experiment with gun control.  I’d have renamed them the 9mm Jacketed Hollowpoints, but no one asked me. How many people died in DC because the basketball team was named the Bullets?  How much magic has occurred in DC since they renamed the team?  Zero on both counts.  Anyhow. 

I’ve been two a total of TWO hockey games in my life.  In the late 70s, a group of my young male colleagues were treated to a game at the Capital Centre in Largo, Maryland, between the Caps and the now-deceased Colorado Rockies.  I can’t remember who won the game, but I recall being modestly entertained.   Since we moved to Paris soon thereafter, any interest in seeing hockey in person would have been curtailed by its absence in Paris. 

The second game was in March 1991 when I was visiting my high school buddy Sean in Ottawa, Canada.  He correctly ascertained that a visit – however brief as a weekend, as mine was – would not be complete without a hockey game.  We watched – and enjoyed – a game between the Ottawa ‘67’s and the Sudbury Wolves.   As enjoyable as the experience was, it did not compel me to see any further games of any teams.   Then again, my most likely reason to visit a hockey arena is to see a band play, not watch a hockey game.

What I know.  This will be brief.

1.         It takes place on ice, in a venue which probably also holds basketball games.  Not at the same time (though that might be more entertaining).

2.         It began in Canada in the late 1800s.  The NHL began in 1917, but the NHL had its major expansion in the late 1960s.  Up to that point it was essentially six teams:  the Montreal Canadiens, the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Boston Bruins, the Chicago Black Hawks, the Detroit Red Wings, and the New York Rangers.   All of Toronto's championships date from this era.    

3.         Like basketball, and unlike football and baseball, there’s no real offense and defense, those switch with whoever has possession of the puck.

4.         The goal is to hit the puck into the opposing goal past the goalie.

5.         Trophy.  It’s big and tapers down to a large base.   Joe Elliott learned this the hard way, but we all know what a major hockey team Sheffield United is, right? 

6.         Goalie.  He wears a mask, so he looks like Jason from Friday the Thirteenth. 

7.         Penalty box.  Generally the sport is fairly brutal (“I was at a bar and a hockey game broke out”).  If you are TOO brutal you wind up in the penalty box for some time, meaning your team is now down by one player.

8.         Finals.  Best of 7.   Probably a reason I’m not a fan – I prefer this one-and-done stuff like the NFL playoffs and Superb Bowl, where every game is effectively game 7.

9.         Canada is the country most associated with hockey, but competitive players come from Russia and Eastern Europe as well.  There was a player named Satan, which I found amusing. 

10.        The Miracle on Ice.  The US is typically not competitive in Olympic Hockey.   Oddly, despite 5 World Cup victories, Brazil has ZERO gold medals in Olympic soccer.  Anyhow.  In 1980, at the Winter Games in Lake Placid, NY (we had boycotted the Summer Games in Moscow) we managed to beat the Soviet team and win the gold medal.  And there was much rejoicing. 

I realize there is a certain amount of subtlety to any sport where you have to skate on ice, but so far as I can tell, ultimately hockey is still about smacking the puck into the opposing goal, which you do skating on ice and knocking your opponent out of the way without being sent to the penalty box.    

Live Sports

I’ve gone on at length about my concert experience – mainly because it’s extensive enough to discuss at length.  Here it’s the opposite:  I can address this issue because of my relative lack of experience.  I don’t consider myself a sports fan, although I do watch the NFL and the Super Bowl. 

Football.   I grew up in Maryland in the 1970s, though never became a Redskins or Colts fan.   This was when the Vikings were doing fairly well, going to three Super Bowls with Fran Tarkenton – I’m too young to remember their first Super Bowl against the Chiefs, but in any case that was with Joe Kapp, as Tarkenton was playing with the NY Giants at the time.

I’ve seen several concerts at RFK Stadium, but no Redskins games.   My only visit to M&T Bank Stadium was a recent Metallica show, which I enjoyed. 

College.  I went to University of Maryland, College Park, from 1986 to 1990.  Byrd Stadium is large and conveniently located, and us students were given good deals on tickets to ensure a stadium packed with a loyal home audience.   Moreover, the QB at the time was Neil O’Donnell, who later went on to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers, continuing UM’s  tradition of providing the NFL with halfway decent quarterbacks like Boomer Esiason.

University of Maryland vs. ?, Byrd Stadium.  Probably freshman year.   I can’t remember the ACC rival or the outcome.  I did enjoy the atmosphere.  I was up in the stands, behind the endzone.  I was probably NOT drinking.

NFL.     Washington Redskins vs ?, FedEx Field.   I went with my brother.   We were up high on the sides, perhaps accompanied by his son, my nephew, Ian.  I can’t remember the outcome.  Even though the Vikings are in a different division than the Redskins, occasionally they come here to play during the regular season, e.g. week 10 of last year – I can’t recall why I didn’t bother to go to that game. 

Baseball.   I’m not a big fan of baseball, hardly ever watch it – even the World Series – and virtually never attend in person.  I could scarcely drum up enthusiasm for the Orioles or the Nationals.  I’ve been past Camden Yards dozens of times without ever going inside it.  But I have seen two games, both of which I enjoyed.

Nationals vs. Phillies, Nationals Stadium.   Philadelphia is close enough so that the audience was 50% visiting team fans.  The Phillies won.  Matt took me with Ian.  A good time overall.

Yankees vs. Orioles, Yankee Stadium.   I went with Dave, who is a Yankees fan and we enjoyed it, notwithstanding the loud PA system.  The Yankees crushed the Orioles 16-3.  

Basketball.   Not a basketball fan at all, and I’ve never seen an NBA game.  Nor do I plan on it.

Georgetown, UM.   In the 70s, we went to a Georgetown game with our friends, the O’Connells.  I don’t know why (maybe a birthday party event).  What I recall was spending the game making fun of the players.

Later on, I went to one Terps game at Cole Field House.  Not bad, but not compelling either.   The Terps won the NCAA Final Four in 2002, which I paid attention to at the time, but I generally do not follow them.  Generally I went to Cole Field House to jog around the concourse for exercise.

Hockey.   Guess what, not a hockey fan, of the Caps or otherwise.   However, I have been to a few games.

Capitals vs. Rockies, Cap Center.   Late 70s, a group of us kids went and enjoyed it. 

Ottawa ‘67s vs. Sudbury Wolves.  In 1991 I visited my buddy Sean, ASP class of ’86 like me, who lives in Ottawa.   He felt (correctly) the visit wouldn’t be complete without a hockey game.  At that time the Ottawa Senators did not yet exist (coming online the following season), so we went to a minor league game.  I enjoyed it.

Soccer.  Despite growing up in Paris, and visiting London several times back then, I resisted the call until a Brazilian (former) girlfriend, a proud carioca, infected me with this damn virus, in 2000.  Since then I’ve seen a few soccer games.

DC United vs. LA Galaxy; DC United vs. Bayer Leverkusen (exhibition); Barcelona vs. AC Milan (exhibition).  All were at RFK, the only times I caught sporting events at what used to be the Redskins’ home stadium.   All were enjoyable, if only marginally memorable.  We have yet to develop sufficient enthusiasm and passion for the game to produce any hooligans – as The Simpsons have noted (Groundskeeper Willie: "You call this a soccer riot???") - so our soccer experience is fairly tame by international standards.

Flamengo vs. Fluminense, Maracana Stadium, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.  While this wasn’t a final, it was a regular season game between Rio de Janeiro’s archrivals, at the famous stadium in Rio.  We were in the lower tier (tourists) while the die hard fans were up in the second tier.  One half was red and black, chanting MEN-GO!  (Flamengo), the opposite side, in dark green and maroon, responding NEN-SE (Fluminense).  This traditional rivalry is called “FLA-FLU”.   Now-retired soccer star Romario, previously linked to Flamengo, was actually playing for Fluminense.  Flamengo scored an early goal, responded by 3 from Flumimense, so apparently it was game over for the Mengão.  NOPE.  They wound up scoring three more goals, ending up in 4-3.   Those of us familiar with 0-0 being an acceptable result for a non-final game will remark at this, as did the headlines of the local papers afterwards. 

Funny enough, this was on the same day as the Patriots-Panthers Super Bowl – yes, the Janet Jackson Bowl.  We had the bus drop us off close to Ipanema, because the Super Bowl was NOT – shock horror, I know – being televised on local TV, so we had to watch at the Lord Jim Pub.  I wound up getting drunk on hard cider, spending all my cab money on that (cider being three times as expensive as draft beer, but much less filling) so I walked from this pub, on the border of Ipanema and Leblon, all the way to Leme, which is at the other end of Copacabana.  [Much like the time I walked home from the New 9:30 Club after a Monster Magnet show, the Metro had closed, so I went down 14^th Street, across M Street to Key Bridge, and home to Rosslyn, though nowhere near as drunk as I had been in Rio].  

Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, and Other Sports

A few months ago my brother took me to the Nationals game at Nationals Park, my first baseball game ever.  Although the Nationals performed poorly against the Phillies – and the crowd was 50% Phillies fans – I still enjoyed the experience.  Maybe not enough to get season tickets, but if the opportunity arises again, I’d be inclined to take it.  I’ve driven past Camden Yards in Baltimore dozens of times without ever attending an Orioles game.  I suppose I’m long overdue.  But this gives me the opportunity to comment on sports other than the two I actually follow:  NFL and professional soccer.

 Baseball.  It’s funny, I understand most of baseball.  Balls, strikes, walks, outs, fly balls, innings, home runs, grand slams, etc.   I even understand about rotating pitchers whose arms wear out and drift further and further from strikeouts, much less no-hitters.  One of my favorite Intellivision games was the MLB game.

            What I really don’t buy into is this “America’s past-time”, “take me out to the ball game”, nostalgic reverence for baseball and adoration for Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Hank Aaron, Mickey Mantle, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, etc., the classic ballparks, and really can’t stand “The Natural”, “Bull Durham”, “Major League”, “The Rookie” and all those teary-eyed baseball movies – much less sharing George Will’s bizarre, academic, abstract appreciation for the game.  I zone out about National League vs. American League, and don’t follow the games.  I don’t even watch during the World Series.  But if I’m forced to watch a game, I can follow it and enjoy it.  I played baseball and softball in school much younger, and I tended to enjoy it – with the exception of being stuck out in the outfield by a coach who didn’t like me.  I was OK – I could hit the ball and catch it fairly well, not spectacularly but not useless either; “adequate” probably best describes my aptitude at baseball.  Aside from that, I’m fairly neutral (definitely not hostile) towards baseball.  I suppose I’m an Orioles fan, but very lukewarm at best.

 Basketball.  Like soccer, basketball can rapidly change from offense to defense, but the scores are much higher – never a 0-0 tie! – and the action is far more intense.  But for some reason I can’t really get into it.  Here’s another sport where I understand the basics but zone out on the subtleties.  I don’t watch the Finals.  I don’t even have a favorite team.  As for ability, I’m in the lower percentiles in amateur games, just one step up from totally useless.  (If I had to pick the sport I play best at, it would be soccer.)

Hockey.  Same with hockey.  I get the idea – skate around on the ice, try to hit the puck into the net past the goalie.  Beyond that I zone out again.  And I don’t have a favorite team.  The fights don’t interest me either.   I have never played ice hockey, but I enjoyed field hockey ages ago at school.

 Lacrosse.  Never played this, even at college.  I really can’t imagine why anyone athletic enough to play lacrosse wouldn’t prefer to play football instead.  I wouldn’t call it a “faggot sport” but it really doesn’t compete well with most any other team sport.

 Golf.  Talk about boring.  I’ve played golf a few times, and really did not like it.  Face it: your best case scenario is to hit the ball into the hole the first time, every time, and then go home. The sole source of enjoyment I get on a golf course is driving the cart around.

            Golf strikes me as a sport designed to (hope) to make you look rich and sophisticated without having a shred of athletic ability or working up a sweat – a game for rich, out-of-shape men to enjoy.  It’s a degree removed from sitting in a fishing boat, drinking beer and waiting for a fish dumb enough to bite your hook.  At least with golf you walk around, swing a club, and walk some more.  I agree it takes skill to golf well, but I still find hitting the ball – whether with a driver, an iron, or a putter – very dull and watching someone else do it, no matter how good they are, is ten times duller.  The sad part this is this: the easier they make it look, the better they are at it, the more boring it looks.

 Bowling.  I went bowling recently, and enjoyed it.  Of course, this time the alley had gutter guards, which prevented 2-3 of the balls in each game from being gutter balls.  I did get a few strikes and spares.  This is a game I’d probably enjoy more if I had some decent lessons and better technique.  Unfortunately, I don’t know how much I’d enjoy throwing 11 strikes (a perfect 300 game), but this is something I probably don’t have to worry about.

 Boxing/MMA.  I don’t care if it’s Rocky, Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali, or whoever, I find this dull.  Two guys beating each other up.  And MMA tends to degenerate into jiu jitsu all too often, which to my eyes is indistinguishable from wrestling (not the make-believe professional type).  I did enjoy aikido when I was involved with that (1995-99, ending up with a black belt) but watching martial arts or boxing is not particularly interesting.  Some of the movies, e.g. “Enter the Dragon” and Jackie Chan films, or the more recent slew of implausibly but impressively choreographed martial films such as “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” or even “Kung Fu Shuffle” and “Kung Fu Panda” (yes, I know it’s animated) are enjoyable.  I suppose “The Matrix” even qualifies as a martial arts film.

 The Olympics.  I tend to zone out on this: leaving aside sports like soccer or basketball which have non-Olympic equivalents, the main summer Olympic games are track and field, which don’t interest me.  Skiing is OK for winter Olympics, but not exciting to watch – much more fun to actually do in person.

 X-Games.  I watched some of the skateboarding and biking.  They look fun.  Like skiing, this looks like something more fun to do than to watch.   Unfortunately, 42 seems a little old for skateboarding, but I was tempted to join in at Venice Beach were it not for….not having a skateboard.

 Women and sports.   About the only women’s sport I pay any attention to is gymnastics, but “women” there is loosely used, few of these girls are as old as 16.  They do have nice legs.

            As for women actually watching sports:  my experience is that the majority of women do not care for sports, even (or especially) women’s sports.  Those that do, do so for the following reasons:  (1) to hook up with guys, (2) to watch the guys playing the sports, or (3) shock, horror and amazement, they actually DO like the sport.

 Poker.  PLEASE, don’t get me started on this.  This is not a sport.  Why is this on ESPN?  I agree it takes skill to play, a skill I concede I lack.  But this requires no athletic ability.  Big Blue could play it.  Keep it off the “sports” channel.

 Having said all these nasty things about other sports, I will agree 100% that soccer – one of my own favorites – can be excruciatingly dull to watch, especially those terrible games that go on for 0-0 even after overtime and require a penalty shoot-out (which is only required when they absolutely, positively can’t tolerate a tie).  And the brutal action of the NFL is often interrupted by penalties, commercials (scarcely appreciable with the obvious exception of the Super Bowl), and referee review of questionable calls.  Bad games are bad games.  But those are the sports I enjoy watching – and to a lesser extent, when the opportunity arises, playing.