Retour: Statue of Liberty

From     Secretary of State Tom Shannon

To        Francois Hollande

Re:       Revision to Statue of Liberty

Let us start by reaffirming America’s deepest appreciation for the Statue of Liberty, which your country so kindly gave to us in the third quarter of the nineteenth century.   This beacon of hope and freedom has served us well in the intervening years.  Perhaps a little too well…

Indeed, the current administration, in particular the President himself, now believes the statue is outdated and gives potential immigrants the wrong impression about our willingness to accept them.

Mexicans.   Although the Statue is in New York harbor and nowhere near the Mexican border, somehow it attracts the rapists.  Moreover, although these rapists are predominantly Catholic, the President believes that Muslims have infiltrated their ranks.  The rapists are apparently oblivious to Muslims in their midst praying to Mecca five times a day instead of going to mass on Sunday.  We ask that you ignore the absence of credible evidence to support the President’s position and simply accept it at face value.

Muslims.  The President has a major issue with Muslims, as you may well know.  In fact, he understands that France also has a major problem with Muslims as well.   While Muslims come to France walking across Europe, which costs little, and it takes money and effort to come to the US, this substantial difference in logistics makes no difference to the types of Muslims coming to our two countries.   And that these Muslims are frequently coming from countries such as Iraq and Afghanistan which have ongoing hostilities at least partly engendered by our own actions and policies, is not something which concerns the President.  He remains firm in his conviction that virtually all Muslims come here with the intention of committing terrorist acts and enacting Sharia law; the exception being those with business dealings with the President himself.  Again, we believe you should be particularly sympathetic to his viewpoint given the recent events in Paris. 

In fact, the President has decided that the US Government will be run and managed to maximize his own personal business interests, with any conflicts thereof to be ignored as a matter of principle.  In particular, the country’s immigration policy will reflect this, and solely those individuals with existing or potential business affairs with the President himself will be permitted entry to the US. 

Revision to Statue.   President Trump asks that the Statue be revised as follows.   Instead of a torch in her right hand, a beacon of hope to the unwashed masses of non-Americans, Lady Privilege raises her hand with palm out and index finger up, as if to say, “Wait there”.  With her other arm, she cradles a guest list on a clip board and looks down on it to verify that the immigrants in question are ON the list and may come in.  While this is less impressive than a torch of liberty, we feel it far better represents the country’s current attitude on immigration.