Mom

Recently I eulogized my father, who died way back in 2004.  My  mom is still alive, although she’s now 83 and not getting any younger.  Since my brother has three children and my sister two, my mom is a grandmother to five grandchildren.  The oldest, Zoe, is 17 and since we’re no longer in the Middle Ages when people died at 32, no one – least of all my brother – is pressuring Zoe to go out, get married, and have children before she’s even graduated high school.   So great-grandchildren will have to wait. 

Also, I just been to three funerals in rapid succession, two of them being mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (Aunt Lorraine followed by cousin Gail).  They were all well-attended by caring relatives, who had nice things to say about the dearly departed.  No nasty surprises there. 

The sad thing about funerals is that the deceased aren’t in a position to observe the outpouring of sorrow and remorse on their behalf.  I dare say all of us will eventually learn if that’s possible, but right now – while I’m alive – I can do no more than speculate, which I won’t.

One advantage of a funeral homage is that with the person’s death, their life is conclusively capped.  We know how it ended and what they accomplished (if anything) during their lifetimes, however long or short that might have been.  With regard to very old people, I might argue that the marginal cost of pre-emptively summarizing a person’s life while they’re still alive is offset by the marginal benefit of showing love and respect to someone still alive to enjoy it.   So here goes, Mom.

Born in Worcester, Massachusetts in 1934, the second to last of 9 children.  Aunt Irene [oldest sibling] was a teenager when she was born.   My maternal grandparents were very busy.  Did I mention they were Catholic?   Anyhow.  She went to college at Boston College.   Recall that bombing at the Boston Marathon a few  years back?  That location was where she would arrive in Boston from Worcester.  By now I’ve been to Worcester and Boston a few times, and we visited our grandparents home awhile back.  Mom still has a slight accent from Massachusetts. 

US Navy, Lieutenant Commander (LCDR).   The equivalent of Major.  Retired, by now.  Her Navy status gave us access to US military PX shopping and health care until we turned 23.  In fact, I was born at the Bethesda Naval Hospital in 1969, just days before Nixon took office (thus the kind tribute from the First Lady). 

Nurse.   She started with Kennedy in 1961, but was in Washington, DC when JFK was shot in Dallas (so no, she’s not a suspect – she has an alibi).   When LBJ became President, she became his nurse as well.  She has fond memories of him.   This business of LBJ whipping his Johnson out she says was nonsense; the worst he would do is continue a conversation on the toilet without shutting the door (as shown in the recent biopic with Bryan “Walter White” Cranston as #36, which we watched together: "Say my name" "Lyndon Baines Johnson").

 

Retired.  She retired when I was born.  (Sorry).  Then came my brother Matt in 1970, followed by my sister Sarah in 1975. 

Mom’s Job.   I suppose I’m somewhat old-fashioned.   Generally the Dad’s job is to make money and keep discipline so the kids don’t graduate to prison (boys) or brothels (girls).  The Mom’s job is to complement the father’s discipline with love and compassion so the kids aren’t growing up in a boot camp.  But my dad was also very warm and funny, so in a sense he took over both jobs.  He also cooked, so this marginalized my mom even further.  To make matters worse, he didn’t teach us how to do the things he did, but accepted the duty to do them for us during his lifetime.  If he taught, it was by indirect example rather than direct, explicit instruction, teaching character rather than skills.   I’m nowhere near as handy around the house as my father was, but I did learn how to work on cars, which I understood and did far better than he did.  Our role as offspring is not to directly copy and emulate our parents – except royal heirs continuing a dynasty – rather to make optimal use of our parents’ material and non-material resources to build our own independent, and hopefully successful, lives.   On one hand, my sister is also a nurse; on the other,  I am an attorney, and my brother is a computer programmer.  So two out of three of us are pursuing careers different than our parents.   While my sister isn’t looking after #45 (maybe a good thing) as an ER nurse she is helping far more people directly than she would if she were in the White House. 

Having said that, Mom did her job 100% and still does so today, which is to remain caring and compassionate and offer financial assistance as necessary, by way of redirecting her own Navy pension and my father’s Dept. of Commerce pension to us where the situation warrants or permits.    I would prefer if my legal practice were more lucrative, but I haven’t given up on that, even now. 

Thanks, Mom!