Beer

I have 730 blog entries, counting this one, and for some reason I’ve never covered this topic.  Although it’s actually Friday the Thirteenth, I have nothing pertinent to say about that besides simply recognizing the fact itself.  So here you go.

I’m not an alcoholic, never have been, and don’t expect to become one by the end of my existence, whenever that happens. 

As far as I can remember, my very first experience with beer of any kind was sipping my cousin’s Schlitz in the mid-to-late 70s, at which time I’d have been under 9 years old.  Anyone familiar with Schlitz might emphasize with my highly negative reaction to the beverage.  The next one up was high school, when I went to Brussels with the school’s rugby team, and teammate/classmate Chris Bren bought me a Stella Artois at the local bar, which was considerably smoother and enjoyable than Schlitz, though it didn’t induce me to begin drinking.

College.   As noted on multiple occasions, I went to the University of Maryland, College Park, from fall 1986 to summer 1990, living on campus that entire time.  (My parents actually moved back from Paris that summer but allowed my brother, who had one more year to go, to serve out his term on campus).  Freshman year I hung out with a bunch of guys and wound up drinking heavily.   Moreover, whenever my father came by he would buy me beer by the case.  Despite this, I didn’t get hammered all the time, only threw up a couple of times, and never passed out.  I recall at least one frat party, Theta Chi, fall semester of sophomore year.  Essentially college was the time when I learned my limits and what to expect. 

Oddly, I drink about 2 beers a night and 3-4 per night on the weekend.  It’s a rare night I don’t drink any beer at all.   I don’t drink to get drunk and haven’t had a hangover in who knows how long.

DUIs.  Never got a DUI.  Generally I don’t drink when I know I’ll be driving, except to frontload a single beer at a restaurant, especially if I’ll be seeing a movie after that, putting 2+ hours in between the beer consumption and the actual drive home.

IPAs.   Never got into India Pale Ales, which seems to be the affectation going around these days.   To me they taste like a regular beer given a nasty taste to be more pretentious.    Nor do I like dark beers, which seem like coffee mixed with beer.  Beer is naturally awkward tasting, why make it even worse? 

Pilsners.  These are my favorites:  Coors Regular, Icehouse, and standard American beers.  Maybe they’re weaker and blander than IPAs or dark beers, but that’s fine with me.

Where are?   A few of them have disappeared.   Michelob Ultra is still around, but I can’t seem to find regular Michelob.  I was watching “The Big Lebowski” a few weeks ago.   The Dude’s (Jeff Bridges) preference for White Russians is legendary, of course, but I noticed when he’s at the bowling alley with Walter (John Goodman) and “you’re out of your element” Donny (Steve Buscemi) they’re usually drinking Miller Genuine Draft (aka MGD).   Can’t seem to find that around anymore either.

Genesee.  The band King Buffalo are from Rochester, New York, and copied the Genesee logo for a sticker with their name on it.  I found 30 pack at Total Wine for $20.   Cheap, but remarkably substantial.  Another favorite.

Pabst Blue Ribbon.   This beer won a blue ribbon at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, thus the name.  The Extra variety, with a black can, is 6.5% and tastes pretty nice.

Coors.  When I visited my friend Phil in Boulder, Colorado, back in 2009, we visited the brewery, which is south of Denver.  They have tours and a nice gift shop.  Coors Extra Gold is long gone, but the brewers told me it was regular Coors with a fraction (25%? 33%?) of Killian’s Irish Red mixed in.   I drink regular Coors, not Coors Lite.  By now I've probably consumed over 400 cases (9600) though I haven't been keeping count.

Virus jokes aside, Corona is not bad, certainly tolerable, though I rarely buy it myself.  If someone offered it to me I'd be happy to drink it. Basically I prefer pilsners with a little kick, but not as skunky as IPAs.

Heineken.  This one has a special place for two reasons.  First, when I was in college, I was underage at College Park.  But my parents still lived in Paris, which I’d visit on semester breaks.  Back in Paris, the drinking age was 14, so I could buy beer normally.  The bar we went to, Roscoe’s was just off the Champs Elysees.  I’d make it a point to buy Heineken.

Later on, after college, periodically I’d visit my buddy Ken in New Jersey.   Upon arriving chez lui, we’d go on a beer run for that weekend’s supply, and would typically get Heineken.   Years later he caught the IPA bug and insisted that Heineken was now urine.   Whatever. 

Cerveja.  Apparently not widely known, but Brazilians do a good job making beer.  Around the turn of the century, many Germans emigrated not only to the US, but further south to Brazil.  They gravitated to the far south, like Rio Grande do Sul, though as far north as São Paulo state there are German-style towns with the familiar gingerbread style houses.  Frau Brady, Gisele, is from Rio Grande do Sul - and doesn't that name sound German, Bundchen?  Naturally, the Germans brought their brewing expertise with them.  The two most popular brands are Brahma and Antarctica.  Sadly, it seems you can't find Brazilian beer in the US anymore, even in NJ & NY where most of the Brazilians live in the US.  

Hard Cider.  I suppose this deserves a place here.  I love cider, though I don’t drink it as often as I used to.   Woodchuck was my favorite brand, Granny Smith my favorite flavor, though Angry Orchard is not bad.  This is trendy affectation I don’t mind too much. 

While I’m on the topic of alcoholic beverages, I might as well address these two.

Wine.   To me, wine is for women, or anyone else who can’t handle the taste of beer.  I’ve had red and whites over the years and learned the merlot/pinot noir/cabernet sauvignon & zinfandel/Riesling/sauvignon blanc deal.  All this “red meat with red wine, white meat with white wine” and other B.S. bores me.   The primary purpose of wine is get drunk AND be pretentious at the same time, as getting drunk on beer doesn’t have the same distinction.  “That’s $90 vomit!”

Hard Liquor & Mixed Drinks.   Ideally these are for alcoholics who get full on beer or wine before they get drunk.  As my tolerance has increased by zero since I started drinking in college, 300 years ago, no need to indulge in these.  A fancy drink, e.g. a martini, is for those who want to be pretentious and really want to fast-forward to the part where they get drunk, as wine is too weak to get that job done quickly.  

Bad Behavior

Following up after Satan with some relevant issues.  In this case, poor behavior which is supposedly excused by certain factors which I consider NOT excuses.  The general topic is revisiting "things which piss me off."

Religious Nuts.   I go to church on Sunday.   Mass takes about an hour, then you’re done for Sunday and the rest of the week.  Are you only on your best behavior for that hour?   Or did you pay your dues by listening to a sermon and donating something to the basket, so you’re free to screw with people everywhere outside the church for the rest of the week, until you come back to church and apologize for all the crap you did?  Come on.

OH, and after we get communion, the remarks should be short and simple.   My dad considered us within our rights to leave after communion, but I prefer to wait until we’re excused (“Mass is ended, go in peace to love and serve the Lord”).  That being the case, I’d hope the pastor has the common sense not to ramble on.  Sadly, he didn’t get the memo.  SMH.

Being religious isn't a carte blanche to behave poorly.   Obviously Muslim suicide bombers are at the top of the list, but there are plenty of Christians who misbehave and have the nerve to expect us to excuse them because their religion induces them to behave this way.  If the behavior would be unacceptable from an atheist, it's unacceptable from you.  

Then you get these a-holes who argue that “’separation of church and state’ isn’t in the Constitution.”  Yes it is, and for making that argument I’ll put you in the same category as those who argue that the Civil War wasn’t about slavery, the world is flat, vaccines don’t work, or 9/11 was an inside job, etc.   And guess which orange asshole they voted for?  Hint, it wasn’t Hillary Clinton or Gary Johnson. 

  

Mean Drunks.   What’s astonishing about these people is that they KNOW how alcohol affects them and they STILL get drunk and cause problems.   If it were possible to reinstate Prohibition selectively for these people I’d say make it so.   Drunk driving, spousal abuse, starting fights, the list of negative externalities caused by alcohol goes on.  Or maybe send them all off to a village by themselves.  After so many DUIs or A&B’s due to alcohol, we’ll send you to a special village or town exclusively for assholes like them. 

Similar are those who misbehave but blame their behavior on the drugs they do, as if that excuses them.  Again, if you KNOW drugs make you an asshole and you do them anyway, that still makes you an asshole for doing drugs.  Get clean.

Stoners.   Not stoners in general, but those who aren’t cool.  My first exposure to stoners were some jackasses in college who would go to class stoned and treat me like shit because I didn’t smoke weed.   Too many people think that blazing up entitles them to act like a dick because they’re “cool”.  No, you’re an asshole who smokes weed.   By now weed is so prevalent that smoking it is no longer noteworthy, much less an excuse to be a jerk.   Nothing about smoking it gives you ANY excuse to treat people poorly.   In fact, given weed’s tendency to mellow out and increase tolerance, if you’re an asshole on weed, or an asshole who smokes weed, that makes it that much worse.  NO BUD FOR YOU.

While I’m on the topic of things which piss me off, it’s becomes readily apparent that opposition to legalizing marijuana is motivated not by any good faith or legitimate concern for the effects of the drug itself, but pure spite.  The majority of stoners seem to be liberal Democrats or further left on the spectrum, so “screw them”:  let’s keep marijuana illegal just to cause problems for them.  This is why Nixon put it on Schedule I back in the early 70s even though, even then, the scientists and politicians were well aware that pot was less harmful than alcohol.  Do we have a right to ban things simply because we don’t like them?  If you asked Jefferson and Madison they’d tell you to get lost.  “We didn’t fight the British and establish a free country so you could legislate your own personal issues.  Get real.” 

Gym Pigs.  Ah, I didn’t comment on this one yet.  Those who super set with two exercises at once and claim to be using both, AND won’t let you work in.  Or they’re jerking off with their cell phone in between sets, not in between exercises.   Is your name GOLD?  Is this YOUR gym?  I didn’t think so.