Beer

I have 730 blog entries, counting this one, and for some reason I’ve never covered this topic.  Although it’s actually Friday the Thirteenth, I have nothing pertinent to say about that besides simply recognizing the fact itself.  So here you go.

I’m not an alcoholic, never have been, and don’t expect to become one by the end of my existence, whenever that happens. 

As far as I can remember, my very first experience with beer of any kind was sipping my cousin’s Schlitz in the mid-to-late 70s, at which time I’d have been under 9 years old.  Anyone familiar with Schlitz might emphasize with my highly negative reaction to the beverage.  The next one up was high school, when I went to Brussels with the school’s rugby team, and teammate/classmate Chris Bren bought me a Stella Artois at the local bar, which was considerably smoother and enjoyable than Schlitz, though it didn’t induce me to begin drinking.

College.   As noted on multiple occasions, I went to the University of Maryland, College Park, from fall 1986 to summer 1990, living on campus that entire time.  (My parents actually moved back from Paris that summer but allowed my brother, who had one more year to go, to serve out his term on campus).  Freshman year I hung out with a bunch of guys and wound up drinking heavily.   Moreover, whenever my father came by he would buy me beer by the case.  Despite this, I didn’t get hammered all the time, only threw up a couple of times, and never passed out.  I recall at least one frat party, Theta Chi, fall semester of sophomore year.  Essentially college was the time when I learned my limits and what to expect. 

Oddly, I drink about 2 beers a night and 3-4 per night on the weekend.  It’s a rare night I don’t drink any beer at all.   I don’t drink to get drunk and haven’t had a hangover in who knows how long.

DUIs.  Never got a DUI.  Generally I don’t drink when I know I’ll be driving, except to frontload a single beer at a restaurant, especially if I’ll be seeing a movie after that, putting 2+ hours in between the beer consumption and the actual drive home.

IPAs.   Never got into India Pale Ales, which seems to be the affectation going around these days.   To me they taste like a regular beer given a nasty taste to be more pretentious.    Nor do I like dark beers, which seem like coffee mixed with beer.  Beer is naturally awkward tasting, why make it even worse? 

Pilsners.  These are my favorites:  Coors Regular, Icehouse, and standard American beers.  Maybe they’re weaker and blander than IPAs or dark beers, but that’s fine with me.

Where are?   A few of them have disappeared.   Michelob Ultra is still around, but I can’t seem to find regular Michelob.  I was watching “The Big Lebowski” a few weeks ago.   The Dude’s (Jeff Bridges) preference for White Russians is legendary, of course, but I noticed when he’s at the bowling alley with Walter (John Goodman) and “you’re out of your element” Donny (Steve Buscemi) they’re usually drinking Miller Genuine Draft (aka MGD).   Can’t seem to find that around anymore either.

Genesee.  The band King Buffalo are from Rochester, New York, and copied the Genesee logo for a sticker with their name on it.  I found 30 pack at Total Wine for $20.   Cheap, but remarkably substantial.  Another favorite.

Pabst Blue Ribbon.   This beer won a blue ribbon at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, thus the name.  The Extra variety, with a black can, is 6.5% and tastes pretty nice.

Coors.  When I visited my friend Phil in Boulder, Colorado, back in 2009, we visited the brewery, which is south of Denver.  They have tours and a nice gift shop.  Coors Extra Gold is long gone, but the brewers told me it was regular Coors with a fraction (25%? 33%?) of Killian’s Irish Red mixed in.   I drink regular Coors, not Coors Lite.  By now I've probably consumed over 400 cases (9600) though I haven't been keeping count.

Virus jokes aside, Corona is not bad, certainly tolerable, though I rarely buy it myself.  If someone offered it to me I'd be happy to drink it. Basically I prefer pilsners with a little kick, but not as skunky as IPAs.

Heineken.  This one has a special place for two reasons.  First, when I was in college, I was underage at College Park.  But my parents still lived in Paris, which I’d visit on semester breaks.  Back in Paris, the drinking age was 14, so I could buy beer normally.  The bar we went to, Roscoe’s was just off the Champs Elysees.  I’d make it a point to buy Heineken.

Later on, after college, periodically I’d visit my buddy Ken in New Jersey.   Upon arriving chez lui, we’d go on a beer run for that weekend’s supply, and would typically get Heineken.   Years later he caught the IPA bug and insisted that Heineken was now urine.   Whatever. 

Cerveja.  Apparently not widely known, but Brazilians do a good job making beer.  Around the turn of the century, many Germans emigrated not only to the US, but further south to Brazil.  They gravitated to the far south, like Rio Grande do Sul, though as far north as São Paulo state there are German-style towns with the familiar gingerbread style houses.  Frau Brady, Gisele, is from Rio Grande do Sul - and doesn't that name sound German, Bundchen?  Naturally, the Germans brought their brewing expertise with them.  The two most popular brands are Brahma and Antarctica.  Sadly, it seems you can't find Brazilian beer in the US anymore, even in NJ & NY where most of the Brazilians live in the US.  

Hard Cider.  I suppose this deserves a place here.  I love cider, though I don’t drink it as often as I used to.   Woodchuck was my favorite brand, Granny Smith my favorite flavor, though Angry Orchard is not bad.  This is trendy affectation I don’t mind too much. 

While I’m on the topic of alcoholic beverages, I might as well address these two.

Wine.   To me, wine is for women, or anyone else who can’t handle the taste of beer.  I’ve had red and whites over the years and learned the merlot/pinot noir/cabernet sauvignon & zinfandel/Riesling/sauvignon blanc deal.  All this “red meat with red wine, white meat with white wine” and other B.S. bores me.   The primary purpose of wine is get drunk AND be pretentious at the same time, as getting drunk on beer doesn’t have the same distinction.  “That’s $90 vomit!”

Hard Liquor & Mixed Drinks.   Ideally these are for alcoholics who get full on beer or wine before they get drunk.  As my tolerance has increased by zero since I started drinking in college, 300 years ago, no need to indulge in these.  A fancy drink, e.g. a martini, is for those who want to be pretentious and really want to fast-forward to the part where they get drunk, as wine is too weak to get that job done quickly.  

Colorado

This will be considerably shorter than my New Jersey blog, as compared to New Jersey (which I’ve been to several times, and several different parts of it) my experience in Colorado was one weekend in Boulder.  As limited as that is, I’ll add in some Colorado-themed issues which deserve note but not their own blogs.

 I visited my best friend from high school, Phil, who lives in Boulder with his female life-companion and two pre-adults.  I was surprised to learn that half of Colorado is mile-high plains, as flat as the eye can see, and only the other half is mountains.  Boulder, Denver, and Colorado Springs lie along the Front Range of the Rockies.

 Boulder itself is trendy, liberal, and New Age.  It’s about 30 minutes northwest of Denver.  It’s the home of the University of Colorado.  Mork & Mindy, the TV show from 1978-84, with Robin Williams and Pam Dawber, took place there.  There’s even a one-off Mexican place called Illegal Pete’s, that has steak soft tacos ALMOST as good as Chipotle (which they do have in Boulder and Denver). 

 We also visited the Rocky Mountain National Park, which features spectacular views of yet more mountains, and some trails you can walk around without being mauled by bears or elks.  Nearby is the Stanley Hotel, built by the Stanley Steamer man (ask Jay Leno, he has one) and the featured location of “The Shining” (Jack Nicholson film way back). 

 Later on we visited Golden, Colorado (just south of Denver), home of Coors, the brewery (largest single-site brewery in the US, if not the world).  They have a free tour, which is very informative – and even includes 4 free beers for those of us 21 and over.   Recall “Smokey and the Bandit”: $80,000 to transport 400 cases of Coors east of Texarkana to Georgia in 18 hours or less.  Adolph Coors was born in 1847, and started the brewery in 1873, so if anything the Austrian dictator was named after him, not the other way around.  The most famous Austrian since him would have to be the Governator of California…get in line, Bruno.

 South Park.  I like this show, but not enough to devote an entire blog to it.  The 4 kids are Stan (blue knit cap), Kyle (green Russian hat), Cartman (fat kid in knit cap), and Kenny (mumbling kid in orange parka).  Stan and Kyle are relatively normal (Kyle is Jewish) while Cartman is obnoxious and unpleasant; Kenny tends to be killed in each episode (“those bastards, they killed Kenny!”).  Other important characters are Chef (voice of Isaac Hayes), Mr. Garrison (gay school teacher with puppet friend Mr. Hat), the blue-haired female Mayor, Officer Barbrady, Ned & Jimbo (Vietnam veteran hunters), Jesus (yes, Himself), Mr. Hankey (a talking piece of poo who comes out at Christmas) and Mr. Mackey, the school counselor (“umm’kay?”).  The theme song is done by Primus (Les Claypool) – who often play it in concert.  Count on the show to tackle sensitive and controversial issues head-on in a very direct and “we don’t care who we offend” manner.  Oddly, I saw the South Park movie (“Bigger, Longer, Uncut”) ages ago with Phil, who predicted (incorrectly) that his unfamiliarity with the show would prevent him from enjoying it: far from it, he was practically falling out of his seat laughing.  I’m really not a fan of “offend people for the sake of offending people”, but don’t mind if there’s some decent message hidden inside for us to find and enjoy – and understand.  Others might not enjoy it, but to me South Park definitely qualifies. 

 Mork & Mindy.  This was Robin Williams’ big break.  He was so spectacular in adlibbing that they let him write much of his own material and adlib much of it.  “Mork” was an alien from Ork, who reported to his superior “Orson” every night.  His assignment on Earth was to investigate the planet and report back.  Mindy was the delicious and attractive Pam Dawber, with whom he lived first as a roommate, and eventually they got married.  I found the other characters (Jonathan Winter, Gina Hecht, etc.) to be nowhere close to as entertaining as Mork and Mindy themselves. 

 Denver Broncos.  I’ve never been a Broncos fan.  I recall watching the Redskins maul the Broncos in the 1988 Super Bowl (42-10), and recall the Cowboys beat them in 1978, the first Super Bowl I remember.  Finally in 1997 they changed their uniforms to the current style, and beat the Packers – John Elway finally got his Super Bowl Ring.  Asked, before the game, what he thought of the Packers’ boasts, Bronco Bill Romanowski simply replied, “we’ll see what happens on the field.”  Sure enough, they beat the Packers that year (w/Brett Favre) and the Falcons the year after…then Elway retired.

 In Phoenix, the city appeared to be a broad plain, amidst a desert, with mountains surrounding it on all sides, but always far, far away in the distance.  In Las Vegas, the city appeared to be in on a desert plain, with mountains lined up on along the West.  In Boulder, the urban areas appeared to be on desolate wintry plains (in December) with a line of huge mountains along the West.  

 There are many other things to do in Colorado, not the least of which is catch a Broncos game, or ski, which will have to wait until my next visit.  I’m long overdue to visit my sister in Phoenix, Arizona, so stay tuned. For now, my verdict on Colorado is: MOUNTAINS and BEER.