Catholic Churches

As you may be aware, I’ve been zipping around to different churches, all Catholic.   In Falls Church, Virginia, the main two I go to are St Thomas More, which is the cathedral for the diocese of Arlington, and St. Anthony of Padua, which is a bit closer, just down Route 7 in a muito amigo zone.  In Fort Lee, NJ, it’s Madonna.  New Jersey’s diocese is based in Newark, so I’ll have to check out the cathedral there, and while I’ve been to St. Patrick’s in Manhattan, I’ve never been there for mass.

Of course the big daddy is St. Peter’s in Rome.   That’s a bit too far to go just for Sunday mass.  When I did visit Rome in 1981 on a school trip, we visited St. Peter’s, but did not actually attend mass there, nor did we meet Pope John Paul II.   The church bells for St. Peter’s are timed and sound exactly like the intro to “Hell’s Bells.”  AC/DC went to the source! 

The closest thing around here is the Shrine over by Catholic University, which is very fancy and even a bit Byzantine in architecture.  It also has a cafeteria and gift shop.  I should try to get over there more often.

Format.   Cross.   You would think ALL churches have this format, but it seems only the oldest and biggest even bother.   This is my favorite.  It’s super churchy, you know what I mean?  Jesus is IN THE HOUSE.

T.   This could also be considered a “headless cross”.  That is, a headless cross is really just a T.   Imagine that Black Sabbath album considerably simplified:  T, with Tony Martin.  Title track: “at the T….!”   Doesn’t work as well.  Anyhow.   A close relative of the cross.  Not too bad.

Box.  Ok, now we’re getting more like a club with seating.  Either you’re a small one room church from the 1700 or 1800s, or you just gave up. 

Amphitheater.   Sort of like a big clamshell.  St. Anthony of Padua has this one, as does St. Timothy in Centreville.  This strikes me as the least traditional format, and more like a regular, secular venue for music and events.  They copied Merriweather Post Pavilion.

Pews.   The older churches have plain wooden benches.  The newer ones have padded cushions.   That makes it easier to nap during the homily.

Wine?  I’m baffled that this isn’t standard.  I take the wine, every time it’s offered.  Just a sip.  Is it my imagination, or is the proportion of the congregation opting for the wine mostly female?  Looks that way to me.  

 

Homily.  I wish I had my Dad’s former homilies from the late 50s and early 60s.  I’m sure he wasn’t nearly as dull as 90% of the priests operating on Sunday.   I realize that when you’re dealing with a narrow range of subject matter – God, Jesus, sin, etc. – and a limited source of inspiration – the same Gospels we’ve been hearing for the last 2000 years - I suppose not every priest can be as riveting or exciting as Joel Osteen.   But so many fall so short.  I use this time to contemplate my own situation and ascertain what I should be thankful for, and what I should pray for.   How to improve, etc.  That is, if I’m awake.

There was ONE notable exception.  At St. Thomas More, the priest responsible for paying the bills might give the sermon.  Then you knew the topic:  COUGH UP, people.  “This A/C isn’t cheap!  It didn’t come from Jesus!  Open your wallets, people!  And we need a new roof.  The second envelope is for that.”

Peace Be With You.  This is late in the mass, leading up to communion.  Everyone shakes hands and tells each other “peace be with you”, a gracious benediction to the fellow strangers, all presumably fellow Catholics, attending mass with you.  To their credit, most people, even small children, are eager and happy to do so.  The challenge is figuring out how to coordinate 360 degrees with various people, even crossing arms.  It’s a mess, but we get it done.

However, a remarkable segment remain shy and reticent.  Tax collectors!  Sinners in our midst!  Maybe even lepers!  I had one woman pissed because I dropped the kneeler on her foot when prayer & kneeling time came around.  She didn’t forget that.  No “peace be with you” from her.  She couldn’t wait for mass to end to be vengeful and unforgiving.    

Guess the Accent.   Maybe I’m in the wrong churches, but I’m not hearing any Irish, Italian, or even Polish priests.   There’s a basic group of generic American priests, and then there’s the ethnic priest with a weird accent.   Philippines?  Senegal?  Vietnam?  Nicaragua?  Mexico?   A priest from some country that used to be a colony of a European country that’s mainly Catholic.   That means France, Spain, Portugal (overseas colonies of Poland?  Huh?).   A history lesson when you attend mass. 

Sometimes I’ve actually opted out of English mass.  Due to scheduling, I went to a Spanish mass, at St. Anthony of Padua, which was PACKED.  And the priest’s sermon was much better at keeping the congregation awake than the English speaking priest.  No one was dozing off, they were all glued.  Spanish is close enough to Portuguese that I could pick it up if I was sufficiently motivated.  Apparently not.  Also, out of idle curiosity, I went to the Vietnamese church nearby.  Of course the whole thing was in Vietnamese (what’s his accent? Saigon? Hue? Hanoi?).   But I knew when to say the Our Father, which I said in English.  The homily was scarcely less intelligible. 

Years ago we attended a Latin mass over by Paterson, NJ.  You would think that’s simple enough because the Latin parts are the standard parts.  But this had a different format which had me lost completely.  If my Dad were around he could explain whether the format changed when they switched to vernacular (a change I knew he didn’t agree with, but of course he wasn’t the Pope).  Anyhow.  

The Three Body Problem Trilogy

A few months ago, Reason Magazine reviewed a remarkable new work of science fiction, The Three Body Problem, by Cixin Liu, and translated from the Mandarin Chinese by Ken Liu.  The premise is that we are not alone:  another advanced civilization, approximately 4 light years away from us, needs help.  With one sun, we’re OK.  Even a binary star system would be stable.  But three suns – the three bodies – is inherently unstable.  The aliens of Trisolaris, as they end up being called, need a better place to live.

The catch is, while they might prefer to take our planet and enjoy the stability of our sun, don’t expect them to share.  Nope, it means GAME OVER for us here on Earth.  Or does it? 

Fortunately for the narrative, we manage to develop hibernation technology, so many major characters can survive for several centuries.  Unfortunately for us, the Trisolarans have much better technology which they’re not inclined to share with us.  Much of the story is a back-and-forth of conflict, negotiation, cooperation, and disputes between the two. 

Not only that, there are still MORE civilizations out there.  And you can bet – you can assume – they are irredeemably hostile to us.  Indeed, they consider us to be cockroaches to be squished out of existence without a second thought.   That is, if they ever learn of our existence….

“Trilogy” means that the fun and excitement of The Three Body Problem continues in The Dark Forest (book 2 of the trilogy) and finally Death’s End (book three).   Thanks to the aforementioned hibernation technology, many of the same characters continue over the centuries.

This being a Chinese story, most of the characters are Chinese.  Of the non-Chinese characters, there are quite a few important ones, but they are tangential.  Does it compromise the story?  Not at all, mainly because it’s been translated into English – with a few footnotes as necessary.  Given the scale and scope of the story, the specific nationalities are not really important.  When the entire human race faces extinction – in fact, the entire Solar System - why do we care what our passports say?

Many of us take psychoactive drugs.  Many of us don’t.  Of those who don’t, and who know those who do, we are content to enjoy their experiences vicariously.  Many of these experiences are captured in musical form, such as Pink Floyd, the Grateful Dead, Hawkwind, and other such psychedelic bands.  Actually, virtual reality looks like the best way these days to do so, but I haven’t seen it reach that point yet.  In written form, it’s often comic books (e.g. Dr. Strange, which was my favorite) or science fiction.  Up until now, I considered Philip K. Dick to be the strangest, most psychedelic of the science fiction authors.  Indeed, LSD and other drugs were common elements of his stories.   But PKD now has a major competitor, a worthy heir, in the form of Cixin Liu.  While the first two books are certainly strange, it’s the third book (Death’s End) where things get extremely strange.  If it’s possible to actually trip on a book, this comes as close as you can to that.  On the other hand, PKD includes some pretty twisted humor and sarcasm, which are absent here.  But the two are mutually complimentary rather than exclusive.

By the way, The Three Body Problem is being made into a movie, in China.  It’s due to be released in 3D, sometime in 2017.  If anyone sees the trailer, please let me know.

Kyle MacLachlan

I recently finished watching “Twin Peaks”, and then re-watched “The Doors”.   I have “Dune” and “Blue Velvet” on DVD.  I thought I’d seen the last of Kyle MacLachlan until I started watching “Portlandia” and discovered that he plays the Mayor, just as clueless as everyone else.   Fortunately.

He must have the same idea as Shatner, who told his agent, “put me in as many shows and movies as you can.  I’ll do anything if they pay me.”  Here are what I consider his most memorable roles; for the complete list, consult IMDB.

Dune (Paul Atreides).  For some reason this film gets lots of flak, but I like it.  David Lynch really makes it strange and compelling with his “Twin Peaks” touch.  Another group took a shot at doing “Dune” as a sci-fi miniseries much later and I couldn’t endure more than 5 seconds of it.   To me, this is the definitive version, never mind what Frank Herbert says.   In addition to KM’s first role, this also has Jurgen Prochnow, Patrick Stewart, Sean Young, Max von Sydow, and STING (!!!) as Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen.

 

Blue Velvet (Jeffrey Beaumont).  Another weird film by David Lynch.  Laura Dern, Isabella Rossellini, and the incomparable Dennis Hopper as the psycho bad-ass.  This was the first film I ever saw him in, so I had to adjust to seeing him in “Easy Rider”.  The odd thing about this film is that I couldn’t figure out if it took place in the 50s or in a small town so backwards and stunted that it was in the present but looked like it was in the 50s.  Anyhow.  Messed up, but worth seeing once.  I think I first saw this as a midnight movie at the Hoff Theater at University of Maryland, College Park.

Twin Peaks (Agent Dale Cooper).  If he does nothing else, he’ll be known for this role.  And it’s back for another season (#3) on Showtime.  I could do without his incessant coffee compliments, but hopefully we’ll see what really happened to Cooper.

The Doors (Ray Manzarek).  This time it’s Oliver Stone instead of David Lynch – imagine what the latter would have done with this subject.  With Val Kilmer being over the top as Morrison, everyone else is in his shadow (i.e. Frank Whaley as Robby Krieger, Kevin Dillon as John Dennsmore, and Meg Ryan as Pamela Courson).  I’d say he did a decent job without being superlative or particularly memorable:  Manzarek as the anchor of stability and wisdom to Morrison’s chaos and pathos, better able to do so than Krieger or Dennsmore.  The Doors could not work without Manzarek, regardless of how much they relied upon Morrison for the substance of their music – Apollo to Morrison’s Dionysus, Spock to Morrison’s Kirk.  I still haven’t seen any evidence that Morrison was anything but a conceited, self-centered jerk – however, with the notable exception that he resisted offers to establish a solo band and remained faithful to his comrades.  Arguably that balances out his excesses. (Discuss.)

Sex & the City AND Desperate Housewives.   Remarkably, he was in BOTH of these.  In “Sex” he was Charlotte’s (Kim Davis) quasi-impotent husband.  I say “quasi” because it seems they lifted David Cassidy’s preferences to use here.  When Cassidy was asked why he never dated Susan Dey (who played Laurie Partridge), he responded that “she was too innocent: she lacked that slutty quality I was looking for in girls at the time.”  In “DH”, he was Bree’s second husband, Orson Hodge, which was a whole different mess.

Portlandia. Mayor of Portland.  Just as clueless and dippy as any of Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein’s characters.  Here his context is to constantly be in competition with Seattle.  Imagine Agent Cooper retired and became mayor of Portland.

To be honest, I don’t see an amazing range in his acting or roles, but it’s clear he can switch between straight roles with no quirks or eccentricity, and those which require some touch of those elements.  Whatever role he’s in, you’re drawn into his character without losing sight of the story itself, which is how an actor should be.  I look forward to Season 3 of Twin Peaks, however I might be able to see it.

Heavy Metal

Here’s yet another remarkable topic:  previously untouched (Dana Carvey as Robin Leach: “I don’t know WHYYY!”) and practically writing itself.  I suppose the critical mass was seeing the sequel and digesting its soundtrack album. 

There are not one, but two films based on the sci-fi cartoon magazine.  That started in 1977 in the US and is still published today.  The main topic is science fiction, of course, but there’s a fair amount of nudity and sex as well, which makes it a modest substitute for porn when you’re too young to buy porn. (Not that I would know.)  It’s based on a French comics magazine, Metal Hurlant (Screaming Metal), which started in 1975.  So let’s give the French credit for something cooler than wine and 2CVs. 

Heavy Metal (1981 film).  We saw this in the movie theater in Paris in 1982.  I was 13 at the time, and Paris had two levels of rating:  “Interdit au moins 18 ans” (forbidden to those under 18 years old, essentially rated X or NC17, 90% applicable to porn movies, 10% to ultraviolent films, and in all my time in Paris, even returning after I turned 18, I never saw a single AUM18 film in the movie theater); and “interdit au moins 14 ans” (forbidden to those under 14 years old, essentially PG-13).  The box office sold me a ticket without a fuss, the usher let me in without a fuss.  Also, no problem for my brother, who was 12 at the time.  Paris!

Several unrelated segments.

1.         Intro.  Corvette descends from space, driver is the scientist, who deposits the Loc-Nar at home, only to be devoured by it.  The Loc-Nar then begins narrating its story to the scientist’s horrified daughter.

2.         Harry Canyon.  A cab driver from NYC in 2031 (not Bruce Willis) picks up an attractive woman escaping thugs with the Loc-Nar.  She stays with him and rewards him with cartoon sex.  Eventually she makes a deal to sell the Loc-Nar to some scumbags but screws up in trying to betray Harry.  Bitch.

3.         Den.  Nerdy teenager (brilliantly voiced by John Candy) is teleported to a fantasy word where he becomes a bald Conan-type guy, Den.  He befriends a hot chick – more cartoon sex.  They’re captured by a quasi gay guy who wants Den to steal the Loc-Nar from a sexy but evil Queen.  Den agrees, has more cartoon sex – this time with the Queen – and the Loc-Nar is stolen again.  Both QGG and EQ are defeated, and Den rides away with the Hot Chick, refusing to take possession or control of the Loc-Nar. 

Ok, that’s it for the cartoon sex, for those looking for that.  But much more fun is still in store…

4.         Captain Stern.  Stern (Eugene Levy) is on trial for various misdeeds, ignoring his lawyer (Joe Flaherty) advising him to plead guilty.  “I have an angle”, Stern assures him.  Indeed he does:  the prosecution’s star witness, Hanover Fist, has agreed to change his testimony.  But the Loc-Nar interferes, turning meek, humble Fist into an angry beast testifying AGAINST Stern and then chasing him throughout the space station to the tune of “Reach Out” (Cheap Trick).  Finally Stern manages to resolve the situation.  [Or did he?  Fist had already testified against him, and I seem to recall a court reporter at trial.  Hmmm.....]  Note: the prosecutor was voiced by John Vernon, best known as Dean Wormer in “Animal House”.

5.         B-17.  A WWII B-17 winds up taken over by zombies, thanks to – guess what – the Loc-Nar.  A short segment made memorable by “Heavy Metal (Taking A Ride)” by Don Felder.

6.         So Beautiful & So Dangerous.  A hot secretary is rescued (?) from the Pentagon by a huge, spherical, space ship piloted by two stoners (Harold Ramis’ classic line: "Look, man, if there's one thing I know, it's how to drive when I'm stoned").  She hooks up with a robot, voiced by...John Candy.  Not much on action, but the soundtrack entries include “All Of You” (Don Felder) and “Heavy Metal” (Sammy Hagar).

7.         Taarna.  The covergirl, an Amazon warrior, avenges a city destroyed by a Mob (“Rules”) warped and corrupted by the Loc-Nar.  Victory is gained, at a price.  One of the longest, and most serious pieces (no discernable humor) which caps off the movie.

8.         End.  The young girl at the beginning of the film gets a serious upgrade.  And that’s it. 

Soundtrack.  It’s rare that a movie soundtrack is this good – good enough to listen to independently of the film.  It was our first introduction to Sammy Hagar, Blue Oyster Cult, Cheap Trick, Don Felder (who I didn’t know had been in The Eagles), and most of the others.  Despite the name, not all these songs are heavy, and very few truly qualify as “heavy metal”.

Track Listing:  Heavy Metal (Hagar); Heartbeat (Riggs); Working In the Coal Mine (Devo); Veteran of the Psychic Wars (Blue Oyster Cult); Reach Out (Cheap Trick); Heavy Metal (Taking a Ride) (Don Felder); True Companion (Donald Fagen); Crazy (A Suitable Case For Treatment)(Nazareth); Radar Rider (Riggs); Open Arms (Journey); Queen Bee (Grand Funk Railroad); I Must Be Dreaming (Cheap Trick); The Mob Rules (Alternate Version) (Black Sabbath); All of You (Don Felder); Prefabricated (Trust); Blue Lamp (Stevie Nicks). 

Comments.  This led us to get into Sammy Hagar, years before he joined Van Halen.  I wasn’t impressed with the two Riggs songs, or the two Cheap Trick songs, for that matter.  While we never got into Devo, their contribution, itself a cover, was very amusing and entertaining (Lord, I am SO tired…).  The BOC song led us into BOC.  I tried in vain to find the Felder album those two tracks came from, only to discover they were written expressly for this soundtrack.  Too bad, because they’re MUCH better than his solo albums, or even his Eagles material.  Thank God he plays “Heavy Metal (Taking A Ride)” live these days.   “Queen Bee” is a lousy excuse for a GFR song and led me AWAY from that band until much later.  Their earlier material is much better, and they have better songs than the annoyingly persistent “We’re An American Band”.  “Open Arms” is the quintessential slow dance number for our school dances.  Oh, while I prefer Ozzy to Dio, I don’t have an issue with the albums they did with him, EXCEPT that I hate “The Mob Rules”.  “True Companion”, “Blue Lamp”, “Prefabricated”, and “Crazy (A Suitable Case for Treatment)” were all fairly mediocre and I only picked them up ages later.  None induced me to look into the respective bands responsible.

By the way:  the original plan was to have Blue Oyster Cult do the entire soundtrack.  Along the way obviously that changed, but consider their album Fire of Unknown Origin to be the template.  “Heavy Metal: Black & Silver”, “Veteran of the Psychic Wars”, and “Vengeance: The Pact” on that album are obvious giveaways.  If you’re moving on to BOC from Heavy Metal, start with this album.

Heavy Metal 2000.  Instead of a series of independent segments loosely tied together with the Loc-Nar as the common thread, this is one continuous story.   What’s more remarkable is that the main female character is not only voiced by Penthouse Amazon Julie Strain, but they also use her actual likeness.  The bad guy is voiced by Michael Ironside, who takes a perverse delight in playing nasty villains.  Billy Idol also plays a major role.  The story itself is not bad, with enough nudity to make it interesting.  Overall a poor sequel but decent enough to watch once.

HM2K Soundtrack.   Unlike the original soundtrack, which was all over the place and fairly eclectic, this one is firmly in the hardcore heavy metal theme.  However, I didn’t find it all that great.  The tracks by Monster Magnet, KMFDM, Pantera, and Queens of the Stone Age were the best, and Bauhaus’ contribution was surprising and good.  The rest was nu-metal nonsense, especially Insane Clown Posse (eye roll x100). 

Since 2008, a third movie has been in production, with some well established directors on board to direct specific sequences, which implies a return to the original format of loosely connected sections.  As of 2014 it’s still in the works, notwithstanding prior delays.  Stay tuned.