John Carter, Warlord of Mars

A few years ago I read one of Robert Heinlein’s later books, Number of the Beast, which was a bit strange.  The crew members encounter fictional universes and fictional characters brought to life – even Heinlein’s own creations, Lazarus Long (from Time Enough For Love) and Jubal Harshaw (from Stranger in a Strange Land).  But the four main characters were Zachariah Carter, his wife D.T. Burroughs, her father Jacob Burroughs, and his wife Hilda Burroughs.  D.T. is short for “Dejah Thoris”.  This led me to read the books which apparently inspired Heinlein, the John Carter trilogy.

 The books are Princess of Mars, Gods of Mars, and Warlord of Mars.  Edgar Rice Burroughs, the author, is best known for his other creation, Tarzan.  These were written around 1913-16, and have a very stilted form of writing which even Tolkien and Moorcock don’t reach.  The closest is Robert E. Howard of Conan fame, but even Howard wasn’t this pompous and stuffy; nonetheless, I’d find it hard to believe that Howard wasn’t influenced by Burroughs.  Having said that, though, Howard’s stories are somewhat more Byzantine and complex than the John Carter stories, but it seems as though the John Carter stories definitely provided a solid bedrock of ideas and basis upon which Howard was able to craft Conan.

 Carter himself is a Civil War veteran from Virginia, who mysteriously finds himself teleported to Barsoom (Mars); how he got there is NEVER explained.  There he meets a warlike race of very tall green men with four arms.  He finds the gravity to be much lower than Earth, so he can jump around.  His warlike bearing and skill at arms soon earn him the respect of Tars Tarkas, one of the Jeddaks (chieftains) of the green men.  Eventually his travels take him to Helium, land of the “red men”, and he meets the Princess, Dejah Thoris.  He wins her love and her heart, and the rank of Prince of Helium, a title he uses in the next books.  By the end of the first story, he has to fix the atmosphere plant which provides the sentient races of the entire planet with breathable air – yet is suddenly and abruptly (again, never explained how) teleported back to Earth without knowing whether he succeeded or failed.

 In Gods of Mars he returns to Barsoom and meets black men – though they are not negroes, just apparently caucasians with black skin; and Therns, who are white men who wear blond wigs (see Carter disguised as a Thern, above middle).  This time he is catapulted 20 years into the future, and chases after Dejah Thoris, and meets his son by her, Carthoris.  Unwittingly, he has destroyed Barsoom’s major religion by revealing its goddess, Issus, to be mortal.  Dejah Thoris is imprisoned in a temple for a year, so we don’t know if she will survive.  Thus ends the second book.

 In Warlord of Mars, the story is wound up.  He continues to chase after Dejah Thoris (who did survive), who has been captured by a renegade black man and one of the Therns.  He finds jungle men (some variant of the red men) (what? No Tarzan?) and finally yellow men (not Asians, just white men with yellow skin) in the frigid wastes of the north pole of Mars.  There is a climactic battle in which his allies (of course) come to rescue him, very much the Martian cavalry of the story.  Like Conan, John Carter seems to enjoy a strikingly convenient supply of good luck which he, of course, is amply able to take advantage of to his benefit and the detriment of his enemies, who consistently underestimate him.

 While there are plenty of swords, I see no sign of sorcery.  Flying machines get their power from repulsion rays.  The flying ships are described and illustrated (see above middle) in a way which brings to mind the ones in “Return of the Jedi”.  All the technology has a curiously simple explanation like ERB simply made it up with a minimum of thought. Guns are rare; most of the fighting is with swords and spears.  Despite plenty of religion, no magic occurs and the one deity is exposed as a mortal.  Except for the green men, a race of plant monsters, and a race of white haired apes, all the races are pretty much different-colored Caucasians (no Blue Man Group, though).  The sex, to the extent there is any, is merely implied (how else would Carter have a son with Dejah Thoris?), although most inhabitants of Mars, including the women, are consistently scantily clad.  And ERB never explains how they got to Mars or whether any of the races are actually indigenous to Mars (unlikely, as they all need an atmosphere plant).  

Princess of Mars (DVD). Until 2012, this was the only actual film treatment of the stories.  Despite the fact that these stories were written before 1916 and have been known for ages, this film was made – apparently direct to DVD – in 2009.  John Carter is played by a soap opera heart-throb, Antonio Sabato Jr., and the only other major star is Traci Lords, the former porn actress, portraying Dejah Thoris.  I can appreciate her effort to find normal roles, but the reality is her acting stinks: she simply scowls 99% of the time like a female Clint Eastwood.  Although I found the overall acting in this to be equally bad, they did stick pretty much to the story.  Hell, they even came up with an explanation on how he got to Mars.  Give them a B+ for effort and a C- for execution.

 Recently Disney took a shot at this, with Lynn Collins & Taylor Kitsch (both in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”) as Dejah Thoris and John Carter, respectively, which came out in 2012.  This had an all-star cast, which also included Willem Dafoe (as Tars Tarkas), Thomas Hayden Church, and Mark Strong.  I liked it much more than the prior attempt, but the moviegoing public seemed to prefer "The Hunger Games", which I refuse to see for that reason.  While they took a few liberties with the plot, overall it was extremely well done.  Even Bryan Cranston (Walt White) is in here as decrepit Union cavalry officer.  Good job; more people should have seen this tribute to one of the earliest, most original forms of science fiction, rather than waste their attention on the completely unoriginal "Games".

Beautiful Women

Earlier I wrote a generic blog about women, without identifying any one in particular.  This time I’m naming names.  Some are actresses, some musicians, some both, or neither.  Forgive the omissions.  And the impressions are 100% subjective.  One more thing:  seeing how much I’ve heard of “Team Edward” vs. “Team Jacob”, not to mention various “Hottest Man Alive” magazine issues, I don’t want to hear any nonsense from women bitching about my judgment of hotness, i.e. passing judgment on physical beauty, or lack thereof, in women. 

 Danica Patrick.  I find her stunning, even if she’s not the best race car driver.  Not only her looks, which are obvious, but the intelligent way in which she speaks.  Now that she’s in the Nationwide Series (2^nd tier NASCAR) the attention to that series has skyrocketed, though of the “Danica Patrick and thirty-something other guys racing” nature.  But also check out Milka Duno.

 Sofia Vergara.   Hard to top her.  Natural E cup, stunning figure, delicious accent and incredible sense of humor.  Can we clone her?

 Madonna.  I was never that attracted to her, physically, nor impressed with her music.  Those bits with Wayne & Garth were a bit embarrassing.  She does know how to tastefully promote herself, and her videos show some intelligence and creativity.

 Kylie Minogue/Mariah Carey.  Both of them seem like arrogant divas to me.  KM is, by my standards, atrociously emaciated.  She looks like the kind of woman to bleed a man’s wallet dry for the sake of spending as much – or as little – as he has, no matter how much of her own money she may have.  Mariah Carey has more of the body I like, voluptuous with large boobs, but she also strikes me as ruthless; she married a record exec because it would help her career.

 Gwen Stefani.  Her top quality is her flat tummy.  Beyond that, I don’t find her very special.  Same with Katy Perry.

 Pink.  I liked her attitude, very spunky.

 Lady Gaga.  I think she has a killer body and a sexy attitude, even if she does act…”gaga” some of the time.

 Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  Yes, I’m aware that they were little girls on “Full House”, but now they’re adult women, old enough to have children even by modern standards (not medieval “14 is old enough, we’re all going to die by 30” standards).  Is it pedophilia to call them attractive now?

 Hillary Duff.  Same deal with her.  In fact, in many videos she looks like she’s in her 30s, deliberately so.  She was extremely delicious in “War, Inc.” – beating the otherwise babacious Marisa Tomei. 

 Vanessa Hudgens.  Another stunning young one.  Perhaps threesome material with Mila Kunis (see below).

 Britney Spears.  I still find her attractive, and very cute, no matter how white trashy she looks or behaves. 

 Christina Aguilera.  A notch down from Britney, but still cute.

 Shakira.  One of the hotter women – and she doesn’t give off this “diva” attitude.  That makes her even more desirable. 

 Beyonce.  To me she’s the black version of Shakira – as they were almost identical in the “Beautiful Liar” video they did together.  Schwing!

 Fergie.  The token hot chick from the Black Eyed Peas.  Hot hot hot!

 Nicole Scherzinger.  Don’t you wish your GF was hot like her?  The main brunette in the Pussycat Dolls is definitely hot.

 Amy Winehouse.  At normal weight and properly adjusted, she’s damn pretty.  But strung out and emaciated, just plain f**ked up, no thanks.  She strikes me as a decadent Jewess who could seduce a blond-haired, blue-eyed SS officer (damn you, fraulein!).

 Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton.  Two women whose sole claim to fame seems to be celebrities.  To me, Kim Kardashian is the hottest woman on the planet right now, though Jessica Biel gives her some stiff competition.  To her credit, Paris Hilton doesn’t take herself too seriously.  According to the tabloids, Kardashian and Reggie Bush are OVER, and she’s now dating Christiano Ronaldo, the soccer player formerly with Manchester United and now with Real Madrid (I have a few of his jerseys).  Lucky guy, if the rumors are true.

 Lindsay Lohan.  Here’s one I really go for – pretty AND hot.  Too bad she doesn’t seem to have her act together.

 Ashlee Simpson & JoJo.  Both them appear to be “Daddy, give me a record deal!” spoiled girls.  Modestly attractive with zero talent.  JoJo seems to be a Lindsay Lohan-wanna be.

 Jessica Alba. I find her to be a colossal tease.  She flaunts her body – “Sin City”, “The Fantastic Four”, and “Dark Angel”, among many other such films – yet won’t do nude scenes.  Her “nude” scenes in “The Sleeping Dictionary” (an excellent chick flick, by the way) were done by body doubles.

 Heather Locklear.  I never thought she was hot.  Pretty? Yes.  Hot?  No.

 Amanda Peet.  Actually very attractive.  I remember some celebrity was on Howard Stern way back, plugging his new movie which featured this actress.  Stern warned, “uh oh, your film is going to tank.  I don’t know why, she’s a good actress, but for some reason her movies always tank.”  She was in “2012”, but for some reason I didn’t recognize her.

 Charlize Theron.  I think she’s pretty, but not hot (no, “The Cider House Rules” did not change my mind about this).  But I can’t complain about her personality.

 Scarlett Johannsen.  I really like her roles, especially “Vicky Christina Barcelona”.  She’s the rare blonde who gets my attention.  Nicole Kidman is nice too – best in “To Die For”.

 Keira Knightly is definitely stunning, most so in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy.

 Rose McGowan is also hot, but I haven’t seen her around lately.

 Lucy Liu.  Along with Bai Ling, keeping a high standard for Asian women in the public eye in the US.  I really liked her in “Lucky Number Slevin”.

 Cameron Diaz is cute, but I don’t find her hot.  Same deal with Sandra Bullock.

 Demi Moore.  She’s always been cute, but now she’s hotter than ever, ever since her boob job and makeover around “Strip Tease”.   

 Rosario Dawson.  Very hot!  She gets it done. “Sin City” is great because it has both her and Jessica Alba in provocative roles.

 Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek.  Two nice Latinas – PC is from Madrid, Hayek is from Mexico.  Hayek definitely has what I consider the much hotter body, but PC is also attractive, and was very nice in “Vicky Christina Barcelona”.  Hayek’s top moment was (I know, groaning) “Dusk Till Dawn”.

 Gisele Bundchen.  Tom Brady’s supermodel girlfriend from Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil, the far southwest where German ancestry is fairly prevalent.  Although she’s Brazilian, I’m not that attracted to her – tall and skinny doesn’t do it for me.  Among the Brasileiras, here are a few who jump out at me as being the most attractive: Ana Paula Arosia (mainly does makeup ads and novellas in Brazil), Giovanna Antonelli (who Jenna Fischer, see below, resembles), Adriana Lima (Victoria’s Secret model) and Luma de Oliveira. 

 Mila Kunis.  Best known as “Jackie” from “That 70s Show”.  She’s done some good work since then, mostly “Extract” (highly underrated Mike Judge film which came out recently) and “Date Night” with James Franco.  And she can play a nice girl, e.g. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. 

 Valerie Bertinelli.  I always thought she was very cute, both on “One Day At A Time” (way back when) and as Eddie Van Halen’s wife, and even now. 

 Sharon Stone.  Along with Glenn Close, another woman whose beauty and attraction (fatal or otherwise) completely escape me.  Actually, I should distinguish them.  Stone and Kim Basinger are women who OTHER men consider hot, but I don’t, but their attraction does not baffle me.  In Close’s case I fail to see what ANY man sees in her.  She looks like a man.  Period.  Helen Hunt is another “huh?”. 

 Farrah Fawcett.  I was never into her.  I preferred brunettes, which mean Jacklyn Smith and Kate Jackson.

 Catherine Zeta-Jones.  GRRRR.  Aside from fame, money, and all that other stuff, what does Michael Douglas have that I don’t?

 Denise Richards.  Charlie, what were you thinking??? 

 Tawny Kitaen.  She was super hot in the Whitesnake videos, but somewhere along the line she went nuts.  What happened?

Sarah Silverman.  I think she’s VERY pretty.  However, her standup routine – shock the hell out of everyone with saucy language – has gotten old. 

 Alicia Silverstone & Liv Tyler.  The Aerosmith pair.  Liv Tyler remains a hot babe, even as Arwen in “Lord of the Rings”.   Silverstone is cute too, even if she has put on a few pounds recently.  But she was still nice in “Blast From the Past”.

 Carrie Fisher vs. Natalie Portman.  Sorry, I’ll take Leia over Padme (« panda bear, or whatever her name was ! ») any day.  What I really loved about Fisher was her WTF attitude, even in “When Harry Met Sally” when she wasn’t the bikini sexpot we drooled over in “Return of the Jedi”. 

 Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner.  Lopez is hot.  Aniston has a « girl next door » quality to her.  Garner has the same, but she adds the ability to be hot when she wants to (Electra & Alias).  Jenna Fischer (“Pam” from “The Office” is a hottie hidden in modest roles – “Blades of Glory” gives her a chance to show off.

 Pam Dawber is an odd one: TOO pretty and wholesome.  I can’t fantasize about her, I put her up on a pedestal as a Vestal Virgin.  Almost the same deal with Reese Witherspoon, Katie Holmes, and Maggie Gyllenhal.

 Julia Roberts.  Pretty woman?  Yes.  But she doesn’t set me on fire.  Especially when you put her up against Zeta-Jones (what was that movie??).  But she still beat Portman (“Closer”).

 Eva Longoria.  Easily the most delicious of the “Desperate Housewives” group, with Dana Delaney a close #2.  Of the “Sex & The City” four, I find Kim Cattrall the nicest.  She was also cute in “Mannequin” and the Police Academy films.

 Angelina Jolie.  She doesn’t make my tongue fall to the floor, Tex Avery style, but if she is anything like her computerized portrayal in “Beowulf”, I’d say she’s still 10x hotter than Aniston.  Jenny McCarthy is in her league, though I’m sure not everyone will agree.  Anna Nicole Smith got a bit too big for even my Rubenesque standards.  Pamela Anderson I think is very hot, no matter what her boob size.  Loni Anderson, though, I was never too impressed with, though she always struck me as a nice enough person.  I suppose it’s my anti-blonde bias, but I preferred the brunette on WKRP, Jan Smithers.

 Megan Fox.  Definitely a babe.  Jennifer Connolly is a more sedate, sexed down variant.  I have a particular weakness for black haired women with blue eyes – it’s a stunning combination.  Fran Drescher I like, even if her accent is a bit off.

 Among the older actresses, I like Julie Andrews, Sophia Lauren, Gina Lollogibrida, Lauren Bacall, Vivien Leigh (especially in “Gone With the Wind”), Raquel Welch (thanks, Starbrander!), Susan St. James (very cute in “Diamonds Are Forever” – Sean Young reminds me of her), Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepherd, Jayne Mansfield, Victoria Principal (Pam Ewing from “Dallas”) and Lynda Carter (best known as “Wonder Woman” from the 70s TV series).  I don’t find Ava Gardner all that attractive, or most of the 40s pinups, Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Betty Grable, Greta Garbo, etc.  I don’t know why, but Marilyn Monroe doesn’t do anything for me.

 For some reason, female politicians seem to be very intelligent but none too beautiful.  Golda Meir, Indira Ghandi, Margaret Thatcher (though I like her style), Bhutto (RIP), Angela Merkel.  I’m not a big fan of Sarah Palin (Alec Baldwin: “You’re way hotter in person!”) or Tina Fey, for that matter. 

Guitar Hero/Rockband

Some time ago my brother got a Nintendo Wii, and soon thereafter was playing Guitar Hero with a Gibson Les Paul controller (considerably lighter and smaller than his actual Les Paul Custom).  He played it for some time and enjoyed it, then we forgot about it for the time being.

 Guitar Hero/Rockband 101.  You pretend to be a guitar band, with onscreen avatars: with cute chick bass player (sometimes the virtual camera goes up her skirt, which distracts me), scruffy heroin-skinny male lead singer (looks like one of the Gorillaz), and some typical drummer; and your choice of different guitarist avatars.  The overweight punk is hilarious, but I prefer Axel Steel (my favorite), who looks like Bruce Dickinson on steroids.  On GH Legends of Rock you can pick Slash as an avatar – and the choice is nonexclusive, so the bassist can also pick him.  Dueling Slashes?  You bet!

 You can either pick and choose individual songs to play, or you can choose “career mode”, in which you start off playing your back yard, then small clubs, then more respected clubs, larger venues, etc.  The game makes various comic remarks about “setting cars on fire” and other rock excesses which reduce the amount your band gets paid for gigs, but anything like groupies or drugs are strictly off-“camera” as numbers, statistics, and purely abstract elements, and not part of the game experience: no “sex” or “drugs”, just rock’n’roll.

 The controller looks like a much smaller, plastic version of a famous guitar: Gibson SG, Les Paul, Explorer, Fender Stratocaster, Fender Precision Bass (no Rickenbackers), plus some Jacksons, Paul Reed Smiths, and other models.  For Rockband Beatles you can get Lennon’s Rickenbacker, Harrison’s Gretsch, McCartney’s Hofner bass, and Ringo’s Ludwig drums.  I haven’t seen any left handed controllers, though – including the McCartney bass, which is right handed.  And the guitar controllers have whammy bars, even on Gibsons which typically don’t have them on the real guitars.  I purchased a Stratocaster controller for Wii, which I was lucky to find at this late stage in the game’s life cycle.  There are also “skins” (overlays) you can put on the plastic guitars – dragons, CSA flags, Union Jacks, the usual subjects which are available for guitar pickguards.

 As the song progresses, notes come down the screen across a virtual fretboard.   You have to push the correct colored button(s) – out of five – on the fretboard along with the “strum” bar on the guitar body, just as the note hits the line.  There is a whammy bar which fortunately does not cause tuning problems, but I’m unclear if there are any score bonuses to using it.   More crucial is a “meter” which varies from green (doing well!), yellow (caution), or red – at risk for being booed off the stage in contempt and dishonor.  The more accurate your playing, the higher on the meter you stay.  Missing notes results not only in the meter dropping, but an audible gap in the music which is itself fairly annoying.  Although Rockband adds in bass and drums, from a guitar perspective I find Guitar Hero and Rockband to be almost indistinguishable.

 At the higher difficulty levels, the blue and orange buttons (#4 and #5) are combined in awkward and implausible ways, Z# chords only Alex Lifeson knows.  Note: skill at a real guitar – even if you actually do know how to play the song being played – has zero relevance to playing this game.  And Mastery of the Five Buttons will not help you on a real guitar with 6 strings and 22 frets (plus open strings).  It was this disconnect between the game and reality which damped our ardor for the game.

 More recently, Rockband Beatles came out.  We got it and tried it out.  WOW.  Instead of a fake band, RBB has the real Beatles: John, Paul, George and Ringo.  No sign of Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Jimmy Nicol, George Martin, or Billy Preston; nor any sign of Yoko Ono, although the liner notes imply that she participated to some extent in the game development (perhaps to veto any disruptive on-screen presence).  Moreover, you can progress from The Cavern, to the Ed Sullivan Show, Shea Stadium (’65), Budokan, Tokyo (’66), then Abbey Road studios for the “studio” era, finishing up with the famous January 1969 rooftop concert.  The Shea Stadium and Budokan scenes feature the 60’s era screaming female audiences (black hair in Japan), while the otherwise sterile studio sessions at Abbey Road are enhanced with dazzling psychedelic visuals.  Despite not having any potentially hostile audience members in the studio (perhaps Yoko Ono, off camera) the game still pulls the plug on you mid-train wreck if you drop too low into the red zone.  And on the rooftop, you can see various confused people down on the street looking up – bankers and barristers going about their business on the streets of London.   No screaming teenage girls in this part of the game.  Amazing!  In fact, the graphics are so good on this, that I find them a bit distracting and I enjoy watching others play the game so I can simply watch the extra stuff.  It’s that good. 

 Impressed with that, I decided to check out the other band-oriented varieties. There are, by now, several non-band collective additions, including, but not limited to, GH 3, World Tour, Smash Hits, and GH5, the most recent, and several similar Rockband collections, all of which feature the “house band” playing covers.  Among the band-specific games, although none are nearly as impressive as the Beatles game, they vary in execution.

 Rockband AC/DC.  No sign of the real band, so far as I can see.  It’s a fake cover band playing AC/DC songs, half Bon Scott era and half Brian Johnson era.  At the end of each song you “widdly widdly” at random to mimic Angus Young’s tiresome song-enders which add musically meaningless minutes to each song (which combined could be at least another whole song).  Likewise, “Let There Be Rock” features 2 minutes of “da DAH DAH” riffing until closing it up. 

            I was not impressed.  Since this is a band with unique stage presence, Angus Young in his schoolboy outfit, Bon Scott and Brian Johnson as lively, charismatic singers, and various props such as the inflatable Rosie, the Hell’s Bell, and the FTATR cannon, relying simply on a generic cover band is a particular disappointment.

 Guitar Hero Van Halen.  Eddie’s here in his late model short haircut and Peavey-style guitar.  The drummer bears a passing resemblance to brother Alex. I don’t recognize the bassist, but it’s clearly not Michael Anthony; apparently they subbed in Wolfgang Van Halen whose only claim to fame is being Eddie’s son.  The avatar singer is supposed to be David Lee Roth, but in short hair and a shirt and jeans, he bears absolutely no resemblance to any DLR we might recognize from the classic DLR era.  This is despite the fact that all the songs come from his time, i.e. Van Halen through 1984; none of the songs are from the Sammy Hagar albums or later.  Boo hoo – although I like Sammy Hagar, both as a rock celebrity (that is, he seems like a regular guy with no ego problems) and a musician, count me in the multitude of VH fans who prefer Roth.  My biggest problem with GHVH is not the absence of Hagar – or even Anthony – but that the singer doesn’t resemble the long-haired Crazy Dave we’re familiar with.  

            Having ripped them on the presentation, I’ll give them huge credit on the song selection, though; not only the DLR focus, but they picked the very best ones: “Mean Street”, “Unchained”, “Hear About It Later”, “And the Cradle Will Rock”, “Cathedral” and “Intruder>>Pretty Woman” and even “Eruption”, which can be played without the double-tapping.

 Guitar Hero Aerosmith.  Too bad I’m not a big Aerosmith fan, as this was very well done.  On the career mode, you play two non-Aerosmith cover songs (e.g. “Dream Police” or “I Hate Myself For Loving You”) as the stock Guitar Hero house band (including Axel Steel!) then play as Aerosmith themselves for two songs and an encore.  You progress from Nipmuc high school, their first gig, to Mike’s Kansas City (in NYC), to the Orpheum, all venues with special significance in the band’s history.  In between songs the band members talk about their memories of that show or time; they are remarkably articulate and charming.  Unlike the Van Halen game and its curious lineup deficiencies, this features the full band we know and like: Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Brad Whitford, Tom Hamilton, and Joey Kramer.  I’m glad they include my favorite song, “Uncle Salty”.

 Guitar Hero Metallica.  Also well done, also the full band, though with Robert Trujillo on bass – I don’t see any career mode with Cliff Burton, Dave Mustaine or Jason Newsted as alternate members.  Unfortunately the Load/Re-Load/St Anger/Death Man-getic era is heavily represented, about 40% of the material.  I do recall seeing the band on the Load tour, and Hetfield made some remark like, “you people [audience] like the old shit, don’t you?”  Perhaps I’m not the only one who isn’t that impressed with the later material.  Anyhow, this was well done and recommendable to anyone who likes Metallica.

 I’d love to see GH/RB Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, or King Crimson, but some of these bands would need a keyboard controller which I’ve yet to see; though seeing how the guitar controller works, a keyboard controller would be closer to how the real instrument works than the guitar controller is.  Rockband added in bass and drums.  I have no interest in DJ Hero. 

 No one’s asked me, but here are some ideas I have:

Guitar Hero WHO:  You can throw your guitar up in the air for extra points, demolish your drum set, or forfeit your hotel security deposit.

Guitar Hero Pink Floyd: Start off with Syd, strum the same chord throughout the whole song; have a whole middle era segment in Pompeii; late 70s (Dark Side, Wish You Were Here, Animals) with inflatable pig; then play The Wall show.

Rockband Deep Purple: The band members change DURING the set.  Wait? Is this Rockband Rainbow or Whitesnake?

Rockband Beach Boys: Unlock the bonus level in which Charles Manson joins the band – whether they like it or not. 

Rockband Black Sabbath: Ozzy doesn’t lose points for mumbling lyrics, forgetting them, or singing them in the wrong order. 

Guitar Hero Led Zeppelin: between phases in career mode, as a bonus you can unlock the fantasy sequences from “The Song Remains the Same”;

Guitar Hero Grateful Dead: Be ready for songs that go on for hours.  Remember that “South Park” Warcraft episode? 

Finally, Rocksmith.  Someone actually bothered to rig a game which can be used with an actual guitar, and I've played it.  Unfortunately I don't have an xBox360, and the selection of songs was very weak.

Poland vs. Russia 1920

I had briefly – and incorrectly – touched upon this in my Russian Civil War blog.  Warsaw 1920: Lenin’s Failed Conquest of Europe, by Adam Zamoyski, set me straight.  In April 1920, Polish leader, General Pilsudski, decided to take advantage of the chaos in the Ukraine as a result of the civil war to invade, mostly to maximize the amount of territory Poland would keep once its borders were established.  They made it as far as – and captured – Kiev, before being thrown back into Poland. 

             Now it was the Poles’ turn to sweat, as the Reds invaded Poland and besieged Warsaw.  Whereas Pilsudski’s plans and scope were limited to Polish interests, Lenin took a wider view.  Poland was the gateway to Germany, which was stewing in its own post-war revolutionary chaos.  If the Reds could reach Germany, they could kickstart the German revolution and possibly engulf Western Europe in Bolshevism.

             But the Poles kept their cool, regrouped, and took advantage of bad planning and coordination between the Red commanders to strike back.  This threw the Reds back into the Ukraine, almost wiping out the armies they had sent in.  Certainly it was game over for Lenin’s plans to conquer Poland and Germany.  Lenin quickly signed peace terms with Pilsudski, which freed up his remaining forces from this debacle to handle his White enemies in the Ukraine.  For its part, Poland was left alone until 1939.  Pilsudski himself took power in Poland by a coup in 1926, and acted as dictator until his death in 1935.

Dude, Where's My Hangover?

I saw “Hangover” a few weeks ago and realized the plot had been lifted from an earlier, Turner Classic Movies gem, “Dude, Where’s My Car?” featuring the Oscar-chasing duo, Ashton Kutcher (best known as “Kelso” from “That 70s Show”) and Seann William Scott (best known as “Stifler” from the “American Pie” movies).  Here’s how they break down – and sorry if I spoil any cliffhangers here, people.

 Dude, Where’s My Car?  Two loser stoners wake up, completely oblivious as to what happened the day before.  Their “twin” girlfriends (one of them is Jennifer Garner, these must be fraternal twins) leave them a voicemail message accusing them of being “sucky boyfriends” for forgetting their anniversaries and trashing their house, and threaten to withhold “special treats”, which the pair assume must mean consummating their heretofore sexless relationships.  But they did get the girls gifts, they’re just in the car….hold on, (wait for it…!) “Dude, where’s my car?”  Now they have to unravel the mystery of the previous day.  

            This turns out to include: a pot-smoking dog; a pair of tattoos on their backs (“DUDE” and “SWEET”); an improbably hot chick who claims to have enjoyed both of them the night before (Cristy Swanson) but who has a jock boyfriend (looks like Jerry O’Connell’s brother)(with similarly stoner-hating jock companions); a “gender-challenged male” stripper who accuses them of ripping him/her (?) off to the tune of $200,000; super hot female aliens looking for a “Continuum Transfunctioner”, whatever that is, and promise to provide “erotic pleasure” if they manage to retrieve it; a group of Z-named nerds wrapped in bubble-wrap space suits looking for the same thing; and a pair of Swedish accented Euro types also looking for the same device, whose “mystery is only surpassed by its power”.  The mysteries will be solved, of course, in an extremely stupid but only modestly entertaining fashion.  Indeed, the movie revels in its own stupidity.  Check in your brain before watching.

 The Hangover.  Four guys go to Las Vegas for their pal’s bachelor party and wake up completely oblivious as the entire last night.  Oh, here it’s FOUR instead of TWO: Phil (Matthew Cooper), a school teacher who is the most well-adjusted; Doug (Justin Bartha, “Riley” from the “National Treasure” films, also Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ “The Baywatch”-obsessed hostage in “Gigli”, which I’m sure all of you have seen – he’s actually dating Ashley Olson), the groom; Stu (Ed Helms, probably best known as “Andy” on “The Office”), a dentist who is mercilessly henpecked, controlled, and manipulated by his extremely unlikable fiancé; and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) the bearded brother of the bride, clearly the most insane and off-balance of the group. 

            Not only do they not know what happened – why is there a tiger in our bathroom? – Doug is missing.  Oops, can’t have a wedding without the groom, can we?  Sure enough, they have to retrace their steps and determine exactly what happened the night before.  We’ll meet Mike Tyson (whose tiger it was), visit the E.R., visit the impound lot where their Mercedes is, pull a Rain Man at the casino to come up with $80,000 to rescue “Doug”, and find out who Stu actually married in the wedding chapel and why he’s missing a tooth. 

            Despite having essentially the same plot as “Dude”, “Hangover” is considerably more intelligent, yet still deliciously twisted.  Back in 1999, I actually went to Las Vegas for a bachelor party.  We did NOT lose Phil, the groom.  I remember everything, and no tigers, Chinese gangsters, roofies or “e”, or other shenanigans occurred.  Keeping my mouth shut about it is unnecessary, as what little that did “happen in Vegas” can very well stay there.  In fact, I may as well tie this in to a third movie: “What Happens in Vega$”, featuring Cameron Diaz and…Ashton Kutcher.

            Each of them is coming off a failed relationship (of some sort), and they end up married in Vegas (doesn’t everyone?)  They also win the slot machine jackpot (doesn’t everyone?) but can’t agree to split it back home – conveniently they are BOTH from NYC – so divorce judge Dennis Miller sentences them to six months of marriage.  As you can imagine – “love at first hate, part XVII” – they hate each other at first but eventually fall in love (awwww).  Yet again, sorry to spoil the surprise for any of you; the full extent of the plot and substance of this film can be summarized as I just did.   

            I just saved you THREE entries on your Netflix queue.

Arsenal

I’ve covered the Minnesota Vikings, and Flamengo.  Now it’s time for another sports entry, this time the top tier English team, Arsenal.  I started getting into soccer in summer 2000, and began learning about the various teams and leagues around the world, starting with Brazil and going across the ocean to Europe.

 When I lived in Europe (1979-90) I didn’t pay much attention at all.  In fact, what I despised were Americans who slavishly adopted French clothing and culture and pretended to be French, and looked down on the rest of Americans as boorish, provincial redneck dolts.  And the biggest way a 10 year old – especially a boy – would do this is turning into a soccer fan.  With few exceptions, all the American soccer fans I knew were arrogant assholes.  So I was very much disinclined to follow soccer, even if we couldn’t watch NFL in Europe at the time.  The one thing I recall with any clarity is the UEFA cup showdown – I don’t even know if it was a final – between Ipswich (no longer in the Premier League) and St. Etienne (still in French First Division but long past its glory days).  The kids at my school, Marymount – this had to be around 1979-81 – were taking sides, and I didn’t really care. 

 10 years later I finally started paying attention, and chose Arsenal as my favorite English team.  Why?  I don’t think it was their track record.  At that time Manchester United were the pretty boys, especially since Beckham was still playing with them.  Mainly I liked the name, the fact they were from London – the only part of England I’m familiar with and have been to – and the whole cannon thing, perhaps somewhat Freudian.  BIG GUNS!

 They formed in 1886 from the Woolwich Arsenal, eventually changing the name simply to Arsenal in 1914.  The crest features a cannon, and the team’s nickname is the Gunners – not to be confused with a cross-town rival, West Ham (“the Hammers” – featuring marching hammers, tres Pink Floyd the Wall).  As Iron Maiden fans, we learned about Steve Harris’ preference for West Ham.  He still puts the Hammers’ crest on his basses.  The story is that he passed up a chance to play for them, choosing his band instead.  Since West Ham are scarcely known outside England – and I dare say they have very few fans outside east London, their home turf – Harris did much better to achieve World Domination with Iron Maiden over the years than he ever would have no matter how well he did with West Ham.  West Ham has never won the First Division or the Premier League.

 Another fierce rivalry is with the Tottenham Hotspurs (“the Spurs”), located very close by in North London at White Hart Lane.  When I hear “Spurs” I’m not thinking of the basketball team from Texas.

 The team colors are red and white, with alternate colors blue and yellow.  The motto, Victoria Concordia Crescit, means “victory through harmony”.  The uniforms typically featured a cannon, until the crest (with a cannon inside) took over, with a very modern makeover in 2002.  The sponsors started in the 80s: JVC, Sega, O2, and now Emirates.  By now I’m used to seeing soccer jerseys with sponsors, so the absence (rare nowadays but common from the early 80s and earlier) makes them look rather plain and boring.   I’ve accumulated a few Arsenal jerseys over the years, three away (two blue, one yellow) and several home (red with white sleeves).

 Their first run of dominance was in the 1930s under managers Herbert Chapman and George Allison.  In 1971 they won the “double” – League Cup and FA Cup.  It took them until 1989 to win the championship again, this time with yet another famous manager, George Graham.  Since the First Division (now called Premier League) formed in 1919, Arsenal has remained in the top tier, never relegated to the lesser ranks.  Since the late 1990s they have been competitive in the top of Premier League, fighting for dominance against Liverpool, Chelsea, and Manchester United – with Arsene (!) Wenger at the helm.  They have a total of 13 league championships, although they have never won Champions League.  They are the only team in modern Premier League history to have a perfect season (2003).

 Since 1913, they had played at Highbury, an older stadium in the north-east part of London.   As with Maracana, in Rio de Janeiro, Highbury has had its capacity dramatically reduced over the years from 60,000 to 38,000.  The team now plays in Emirates Stadium, a fancy state of the art facility recently built in 2006 with a more reasonable capacity of 60,000 and all the modern bells and whistles.  I haven’t been back to London since 1985, a time at which I had zero interest in soccer and zero awareness of Arsenal.  Given that the team’s home games tend to sell out, even had I known, I might not have been able to see a game there anyway.

 Thierry Henry has been their strongest player in recent years, holding the goal scoring record.  David Seaman was their top goalie.  Fabregas (I keep thinking his name is Fiberglass), Ljungberg, Bergkamp, Ferninand, Campbell, and Walcott are other recent players of note.

 Fever Pitch.  I’ve mentioned this Colin Firth film before, in my “Pride & Prejudice” blog.  This was the original film, not that idiocy with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore about the Red Sox.  He plays a humble elementary school teacher in London who supports Arsenal, with a maniacal devotion.  Everything is about the team, even down to his cannon-festooned sleeping boxers and moving into an apartment (sorry, “flat”) just blocks away from Highbury.  The film takes place during the 1989 season, when Arsenal can finally follow up their 1971 victory – but he’s convinced the team will choke at the end expressly to disappoint him.  They need to score two goals against Liverpool – IN Liverpool! – to win the final, an extremely unlikely (but theoretically possible) outcome.  His girlfriend, another teacher, tolerates his passion and madness, absorbing some of it by osmosis – her BFF busts on her for checking the scores in his absence.   It’s a nice story with some Arsenal thrown in.  

Malls

Originally written in 2010, updated 2023.  As a resident of Northern Virginia, USA, most of the malls referenced herein are from the greater DC area, which includes suburban Maryland as well.

After COVID.   Are malls dead?  Certainly more of them have been closing recently.  Landmark Mall in Annandale, Virginia, has been demolished; White Flint Mall in Rockville, Maryland, is mostly gone; and Lakeforest Mall in Gaithersburg, Maryland, is mostly closed and due to be demolished this year.   The rise of online shopping from Amazon had already cut into mall business, and the COVID shutdowns seem to have accelerated the process.  

I consider myself an introvert:  I'm not really outgoing and eager to make friends, and I'm perfectly fine staying at home alone.  Even so, I still get "stir crazy" and enjoy going outside my apartment and seeing what's out there.  And as fun as it is to get the email from Amazon that my package has been delivered, and the email from my front desk at the condo that it's been processed and is ready be picked up, I still enjoy going out to the store and buying something then and there.  For CDs and vinyl that has been CD Cellar in Falls Church for some time now.  But CD Cellar - in fact, no store - can compete with Amazon and eBay for selection.  So I'll try to start off with CD Cellar and go back to online purchases if it can't be procured locally.  

Malls also have movie theaters and food courts.   I still enjoy watching movies in the theater, though I'm more selective these days than I used to be.  I don't care how big your flat screen TV is (mine is 40"), the IMAX screen is bigger than that.  I suppose I should look into more delivery options - even for pizza, I go to Little Caesar's and pick it up for a fraction of what Domino's charges.  The mall food court is a good place to score fast food.  Healthy food?  I'll have to take care of that at home.

“Mallory, you go to the mall so often, the mannequins wave at you.”  Alex Keaton (Michael J. Fox), Family Ties.

 By now we all know what these are.  They’re for shopping, browsing, or simply hanging out.  They’ve been around as long as most of us can remember.  We usually associate them with the suburbs, but a few are downtown or way out in the boondocks.  I’ll comment on the ones I’m familiar with, mostly in the Washington DC metropolitan area (Maryland & Virginia).

 My usual focus is on record stores, but unfortunately most mall record stores, e.g. Sam Goody or FYE, tend to have poor selections and high prices.  High School Musical?  Sure.  Hawkwind?  Don’t bother looking.  Another great store is those Spencer or Hot Topic stores, where you can get black lights, sex toys, and all sorts of twisted, perverted (but cool) things buried in the dull wholesomeness of the mall. 

 Some say that malls are obsolete now that online shopping is around.  It’s certainly easier to do your Christmas shopping online, assisted by Amazon.com wishlists, than to fight the crowds and hellacious parking at the malls after Black Friday.  But just as people still buy compact discs even if, with some imagination and diligence, they could download most of the music they want for free, people still go out and shop, even if 99% of what they’re looking for can be bought online and delivered to their doorstep.  And you can shop online 24/7, naked in front of your computer at 3 a.m., something you can’t do at the mall.  But part of us yearns to GET OUT and GO SOMEWHERE.  The crowds at the mall are a form of human interaction, even if 99.9% of them are strangers.  The Mall is here to stay, though maybe not as many as before.  As more of them go under, the surviving malls will pick up the residual customers those dead malls had.

 Strip Malls.  These are outdoor malls with no interior.  The Village Mall in Montgomery Village, Maryland, started out with an indoor mall, then was converted into this type, supposedly to prevent the low-life juvenile delinquents from loitering inside.  It’s a shame, because this one had a very groovy “That 70s” vibe to it we really liked: cobblestones, inside fountains, and vertical woodblock lettering for the stores.  From what I understand, the equivalent mall in Columbia, Maryland is still around.

Maryland

 Westfield Montgomery Mall.  (Est 1968). One of the older ones in our neighborhood, off Democracy Blvd. and the 270 Spur.  It’s a big middle class place, vaguely cross-shaped layout.  We used to go there with my parents as kids, but far less often as adults.

 White Flint Mall. (1977-2020). On 355 north of Bethesda, southern end of Rockville.   Another cross-layout place.  We remember the Eatery, and it had a Dave & Busters and movie theater, where we saw “Young Doctors In Love” and “E.T.” in summer of 1982.  By 2023 all but Lord & Taylor were gone, i.e. the other three anchor stores and the cross-mall complex itself.

 Lakeforest Mall. (1978-2023).  This is at the corner of 355 and 124 (Montgomery Village Ave.) very close off 270.  It opened in the late 70s – we remember when it was just a lake and a forest.  In layout it is identical to Fair Oaks Mall (in Fairfax).  This has a Macy’s, a Sears, and other modestly upscale (upper middle class) stores.

** by 2023 this mall had fallen on hard times and is due to be demolished.  We went there when it opened in 1978, and took one last look before it was gone forever.  

 Frederick Towne Mall. (Est. 1972).  This is one we used to go to as kids with our parents.  It had a Long John Silver’s (fast food seafood) and a Time Out (video arcade).  Years later, when my parents moved up to Frederick, I checked it out again, and found it is surprisingly small, with a simple cross layout.  Lots of dollar stores, NASCAR stores, and similar low-demographic places.  No Neiman Marcus here.

As of 2023 it's in flux:  possibly to survive.   Francis Scott Key Mall is still up and running.  

 Mazza Gallerie. (1977-2022). This is an upscale mall in Bethesda, Maryland, right on Wisconsin Ave.  The Disc Shop was a record store in the basement (long gone) which had the best poster selection I’ve seen of any mall, anywhere.  When I was in college at UMCP, determined to decorate my dorm room with posters – covering every square inch possible – the Disc Shop probably contributed to 60% of the coverage.  Here is where you’ll find Neiman Marcus – the anti-Frederick Mall.

Oops!  Closed in 2022.  RIP.

 The Mall in Columbia Mall. (Est 1971) We went here once as kids, but its main attraction to us as adults is a convenient parking lot across 175 from Merriweather Post Pavilion.   It’s about halfway between DC and Baltimore.  For me, Columbia reminds me a lot of Montgomery Village.

 Arundel Mills. (Est 2000).  Much larger, much newer, with a huge movie theather (Muvico Egyptian).  I saw “All the Kings’ Men” and “The Departed” back here in late 2006.  It has a Medieval Times, which I've been to once.  The Maryland Live! Casino is across the street.

Virginia

 Fair Oaks.  (Est. 1980). Moving now to Virginia, this is in Fairfax, and has almost exactly the same layout as Lakeforest Mall.  It’s symmetrical from one end to the other, so sometimes it gets confusing.  One time my friend and I “lost” his car, when in fact it was parked in the garage on the exact opposite side of the mall.  Like Lakeforest Mall, this has a “kiddie court” in the middle.

 Tyson’s Corner.  (Est. 1962). Also in Fairfax County, next to the Beltway.  Now there’s Tysons and Tyson’s II (aka Galleria).  Tyson’s I is fairly old (60s vintage).  I remember it used to be much darker, until they renovated it with skylights.  In fact, it was so dark I had a nightmare about the organ place (Kitt’s).  It has a roughly L shape to it with Hecht’s (now Macy’s) at the corner.  Now it has a sizeable food court and large AMC Theater.

 Ballston Quarter.  (Est. 1951). The Northern Virginia area is terrible for the Metro – its stations are few and far between and nowhere near anything substantial, with a few exceptions, such as this one.  Whenever I need to take the Metro somewhere, I park here.  It also has a Regal Cinema, a Chipotle, and a Macy’s (formerly Hecht’s).  It started out as Parkington Shopping Center, became Ballston Common in 1986, and more recently morphed into Ballston Quarter in 2019.  

 Fashion Center at Pentagon City. (Est. 1989) A modest mall, but it does have a Macy’s, Victoria’s Secret, and a few other places, and it sits right on top of the Metro; it's actually the largest mall in Arlington.  There is a little adjunct mall next door with a Borders and Best Buy.  Pentagon City is actually within sight of the Pentagon itself, between it and Crystal City. 

 Potomac Mills.  (Est. 1985). This is a huge outlet mall in Woodbridge, which is due southwest of DC, about 30 minutes south of the Beltway.  All the offprice and outlet stores are here.  Ages ago I worked at a law firm in Woodbridge, which gave us staffers and attorneys $250 gift certificates for Christmas, which I used to buy dress shoes and a watch.

Elsewhere

 Garden State Plaza. (Est. 1954). I got used to this mall in Paramus, New Jersey, at the intersection of Route 4 and Route 17, and very close to the Garden State Parkway.  It has a JC Penney, Macy’s, and some other stuff.  The best jewelry store is gone. 

 Mall of America.  (Est. 1992). The biggest mall in the world, located in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  I have never been in Minnesota so I can’t claim to know more than what the rumors are.  The place has an indoor rollercoaster and all sorts of other amazing things – hospital, college, city hall, zip code, private security army, etc.  It even has its own football team, the Vikings.

 Arizona malls.  The ones I’ve seen are all one level, with no escalators.  As with so many other things in Phoenix, to offset the ubiquitous air conditioning – hell, even the Cardinals’ stadium is air conditioned! – the property is reduced to one level and spread out horizontally. 

 (Westfields) Les Quatre Temps.  This was a mall at La Defense, just outside Paris, France.  Unlike the usual Parisian arcades, this had the standard US format and design.  This was the closest to the US we could get in Paris, so it was like home to us.  I remember the toy store, two record stores, and a supermarket.  Fortunnately it's still open, and has a FNAC and Chipotle, among other things.

 Plaza Romania and Bucuresti Mall.  The two major modern malls in Bucharest, Romania.  Each of them has movie theaters and food courts.   For some reason, Romanian malls tend to be square with a huge dome on the top, with a circular layout inside.  There is a smaller one, Unirii Square (in Piata Unirii) which is more compact and rectangular.   

Mallrats & Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  Both are supposed to take place in New Jersey malls, but each takes place in malls well outside New Jersey – Minnesota and Massachusetts.  I guess they figured, “if you’ve seen one mall, you’ve seen them all, what’s the big deal?”  I guess so. “Mallrats” is an early Ben Affleck film, and it also features Jason Lee, Shannon Doherty, and Jay & Silent Bob. 

 Arcades.  These are primitive malls, which I’ve seen in various European cities and Rio de Janeiro.  Typically it’s a hallway/passageway which leads from one end of a block to another, usually bisected by another one at 90 degree angle.  It may have one level or two.  The stores have glass fronts and are usually fancy.  I recall one in Paris, the Passage du Havre, which mainly had train stores (my dad’s particular interest) and military models (my own).