Deutschland Uber Alles

A few eons ago I posted a blog about various alternate history stories in which the South won the US Civil War, or at least in which the Civil War took a dramatically different course than it actually did.  Of these, Turtledove’s timeline was the most ambitious: not only did the South win the Civil War, North and South clashed again three more times, ending in a vast WWII conflagration in which the South’s blacks perished in concentration camps, a Southern Hitler, Jake Featherston, ran a CSA dictatorship with his Freedom Party, and the Kaiser nuked Petrograd.  Now it’s time to review a similar slew of books in which Nazi Germany won World War II.

 In The Presence of Mine Enemies, by Harry Turtledove.  This takes place in Berlin, Germany around 2009.  The US had stayed out of WWII, allowing Hitler to defeat the USSR and England.  A few decades later, an atomic-equipped Germany managed to defeat and overrun the USA as well.  Having won, the Nazis make no secrets about the Holocaust.  In fact, they’re starting to bump ugly with the Japanese, though it’s still just a rivalry between the two remaining superpowers.   Hitler, Himmler, and Waldheim, a succession of Fuhrers, have come and gone; now a new Fuhrer, Buckliger, with new ideas has come to power.  And the few Jews still alive, hiding out in German roles, finally see some hope for salvation.  The Gauleiter of Berlin is an obnoxious, womanizing liberal (analogous to Boris Yeltsin) and Buckliger is very much the Gorbachev of this story; as Turtledove so often does, he simply transposes a “plot” of history to another context but otherwise keeps the story faithful to the original (“historical plagiarism” is my term). 

 The Man In the High Castle, by Philip K. Dick.  Nazi Germany has won WWII and taken over most of the Eastern US.  The Japanese control the West Coast.  Between them is a lawless, neutral middle zone where fugitives from the coasts tend to reside, including the so-called “Man in the High Castle”, a recluse who has written an alternate history book in which the Nazis lost WWII.  Among other notable achievements in this timeline, the Nazis managed to plant their flag on Mars.  I don’t recall much in the way of a plot; most of the characters consult the I Ching for guidance.  Despite the vague non-plot, I did find it very entertaining and enjoyable. 

 Fatherland.  It’s 1964, and Adolf Hitler is turning 75.  After a Cold War with the US, a rapprochement, a détente is imminent; the US president is Joseph, not John F., Kennedy.  But in Berlin, some top Nazi Party and SS men are mysteriously turning up dead.  An SS police detective starts snooping around, and finds that the victims share knowledge of a hideous secret: what really happened to all those Jews who were supposedly “resettled” in the East.  Of all the books listed, here, this is the only one made into a movie: Rutger Hauer plays the main character, March.  Incidentally, March has SS rank and membership because he’s a police detective (the Kriminalpolizei, KriPo, as opposed to Geheime Staats Polizei, Gestapo, come under SS jurisdiction), not because he’s an SS butcher. 

 SS-GB.  Len Deighton takes the Nazis to London, in November 1941.  The US is unconquered at this time, and the USSR has yet to be invaded.   A British physicist working on the Nazis’ atom bomb project is murdered and the protagonist has to solve the murder, which leads him to the Underground, the imprisoned King, and a linkup with the US.   I remember being only modestly entertained by this story and never compelled to re-read it later.

School Bus Memories

The other day I was stuck behind a school bus on a two-lane road.  It brought back memories of my own experiences on school buses.  No, no Ottos or crazy woman who can’t hear right, but I recall an African school bus monitor who told us kids to "shut your mouse!"  Here were my adventures.

 St. Martin’s.  This is a private, Catholic school in Gaithersburg, Maryland.   I went here from first grade (1975) until Fall semester of 5^th grade (late 1978).  The school bus – those big orange (or is it yellow?) things - really didn’t directly connect us to the school.  The bus stop was on Montgomery Village Avenue, at the entrance to the subdivision, Lakeside of Whetstone, which is a 5-10 minute walk from our house.  To make matters worse, the bus didn’t go to St. Martin’s itself, which is on 355 at the corner with Summit Ave.  We had to walk 10 minutes over to Gaithersburg High School.  You can’t really mess up getting ON the bus in the morning, as only one school bus will come to your stop.  But in the afternoon, I can remember what seemed like an infinite amount of buses, and having to wait for the right one, with a specific three digit number, while being surrounded by dozens of high school kids and having no one from my school living in my neighborhood and being on my bus.  Eventually my mom decided it was better to drive us to school.

 Marymount – Rue Van Loo.  We moved to Paris, France in January 1979, and started going to Marymount, which was a Catholic school in Neuilly, which is a suburb of Paris to the northwest, immediately next to Paris itself.  Our sea shipment took about a month to arrive from the US, in the meantime we were in temporary quarters in the 16^th Arrondisement (far western part of Paris).   The bus stop was at the Michel-Ange Molitor metro stop, and the way to the bus stop from the apartment was extremely convoluted, though I believe if you put me there today I could probably find my way.  This was also the last stop on the route.  It was a 30 minute walk.  Fortunately the school bus went directly to Marymount, so on that end there wasn’t a problem.

 Marymount – Neuilly Compound.  In February 1979, our shipment came in, so we could move into our apartment in the Neuilly compound for US Embassy employees.  Although both the school and the compound were in “Neuilly”, they were very far apart.  In fact, one day we missed the bus, so our dad made us walk the entire distance, something like a full hour.  But at least the bus did come to the compound – and this time we were not the only kids at the stop.  I remember having disputes with the other kids as we lined up for the bus, since whoever got on the bus first had a better choice of seats, but there were enough other kids to fight about this issue.  The buses were commercial buses (not the classic American school buses) which had some provision to convert the seats into beds, but we never had occasion to use them for that (no overnight trips by bus – all such trips at Marymount were by train).

 ASP – Neuilly Compound.  From Fall 1982 onward, I went to the American School of Paris, for high school.  Instead of Neuilly, this was located in St. Cloud, which is a suburb a bit further out, about southwest of Paris.  The private buses were nice, very similar to tour buses. 

            Now that I was in high school, the issue of extracurricular activities arose – how to get home from school after rugby practice.  Fortunately ASP had two “late” buses which actually did come to the Neuilly compound, so it wasn’t a problem.  However, I’d have had NO idea how to get from the compound to ASP by public transportation.

 ASP – Malesherbes.   In spring of 1984 (my sophomore year) my family moved from Neuilly to Paris itself, the 8^th Arrondisement on Blvd. Malesherbes, which is northwest Paris.  The school bus picked us up a few blocks away, on Blvd Courcelles.  Unfortunately, this was the end of the line, and the school bus company had hired some incompetent clowns to drive that route.  Often the bus was late or didn’t come at all.  Around exam time of 1985 (junior year), we discovered the local train station was a better option.

            Moreover, the “late” buses didn’t come all the way to our neighborhood.  They’d stop at the Etoile, which was 4 Metro stops away.  However, I didn’t mind walking, as I walked past the huge record store, FNAC, on Wagram, and spent my excess lunch money on vinyl and cassettes (the latter I could listen to on my Walkman on the walk home).

 ASP – Malesherbes – Train.  The train station, Gare St. Lazare, was 10 minutes away.  Near the high school, there were two train stations:  St. Cloud, which was too far to walk (take a bus the rest of the way), and Garches-Marne-La-Coquette, which was a 5 minute walk down the road.  Much better.  Back at St. Lazare, there were three morning trains, all commuter/suburban trains.  The 8:00 a.m. train only went as far as St. Cloud, meaning you’d have to still take a bus.  No good.  The 8:15 train went to Garches, and got there around 8:45.  With the 5 minute walk, you’d get to school at 8:50, just in time for the first period which started at 8:55.  The 8:28 train would put you in the classroom no earlier than 9, so you’d be late for class.  If you missed the 8:15 train, you could at least try to catch the 8:28 train.  If you missed the 8:28 train, the next train was 9:15 or so, VERY late.  So I’d shoot for the 8:15 train.  Matt…well, he preferred to sleep later and take the 8:28 train.

            There were other advantages of the train.  In the afternoon, there was no “3:30” or “late train”, you’d just take whichever train left Garches when you got to the station.  No hurry to “make the bus” and no issue about a late bus which left you off 4 metro stops away from home. 

            The other (huge) advantage was that to pay for the train, you’d buy a “Carte Orange”, an orange ticket good for an entire month of travel, on every form of public transportation: Metro (RATP), RER, bus, and SNCF (train).  The same carte orange we’d use for the train to get to school would get us around Paris on the weekends on the Metro, without having to buy the individual yellow tickets. 

             By the way.  The bus route from Neuilly to ASP had to pick up two kids who lived in a neighborhood at the bottom of a hill where the streets were extremely narrow.  This was a major detour and caused the bus driver a ton of grief and inconvenience.  This was easily 30 minutes extra just to pick up and drop off these kids. If, for whatever reason, the two kids were not on the bus going home, everyone on the bus (not just the poor bus driver) cheered as we could completely bypass their damn neighborhood and get home 30 minutes earlier.   Anyhow.  When I started taking the train to school, I noticed the train went right through their neighborhood, and the local station was a block from their house.  D’oh!!  These idiot kids could have taken the train and made everyone’s lives (including their own) much easier.  We ALL could have slept another 30 minutes each morning.

 Headphones.  Nowadays, I’m driving in a car, not a school bus.  But I always listen to music in the car, which is why I make sure both the Neon and the Formula have good stereos.  Back in high school, I would listen to music on my Walkman – unlike Otto (above) I wasn’t actually driving the school bus (actually, I’ve never driven a school bus).  On one occasion I was listening to Speak of the Devil, the live album by Ozzy Osbourne in which he plays nothing but Black Sabbath songs.  Oblivious to the distinction, I thought these Ozzy songs were great!  One of the older students asked if he could listen to what I was listening to, and I said sure.  His reaction: “Hey, these are BLACK SABBATH songs!”  Clued in, I later checked out the Black Sabbath records at FNAC.  Hmm, this guy Ozzy Osbourne is on these albums.  And those songs are there!  Wow!  So after that, we asked for Black Sabbath albums for Christmas.  And we got:  The Mob Rules (with Ronnie James Dio) and Born Again (with Ian Gillan).  D’oh!  But I ended up buying the Ozzy/Sabbath albums at FNAC, on my way home from school.  It all worked out.

 Specifications.  Aside from “short buses” and larger transit-style buses, what we think of as the classic American school bus is the “class C”, or conventional.  It seats up to around 77-80 kids.  One of the major manufacturers, and among the few surviving ones, is Blue Bird.  Its current standard model, the Vision, seats 77 and has a Cummins diesel engine, inline 6, 5.9L, running anywhere from 200-260 HP.  The “yellow” color was established in 1939 as the standard color.  

John Carter, Warlord of Mars

A few years ago I read one of Robert Heinlein’s later books, Number of the Beast, which was a bit strange.  The crew members encounter fictional universes and fictional characters brought to life – even Heinlein’s own creations, Lazarus Long (from Time Enough For Love) and Jubal Harshaw (from Stranger in a Strange Land).  But the four main characters were Zachariah Carter, his wife D.T. Burroughs, her father Jacob Burroughs, and his wife Hilda Burroughs.  D.T. is short for “Dejah Thoris”.  This led me to read the books which apparently inspired Heinlein, the John Carter trilogy.

 The books are Princess of Mars, Gods of Mars, and Warlord of Mars.  Edgar Rice Burroughs, the author, is best known for his other creation, Tarzan.  These were written around 1913-16, and have a very stilted form of writing which even Tolkien and Moorcock don’t reach.  The closest is Robert E. Howard of Conan fame, but even Howard wasn’t this pompous and stuffy; nonetheless, I’d find it hard to believe that Howard wasn’t influenced by Burroughs.  Having said that, though, Howard’s stories are somewhat more Byzantine and complex than the John Carter stories, but it seems as though the John Carter stories definitely provided a solid bedrock of ideas and basis upon which Howard was able to craft Conan.

 Carter himself is a Civil War veteran from Virginia, who mysteriously finds himself teleported to Barsoom (Mars); how he got there is NEVER explained.  There he meets a warlike race of very tall green men with four arms.  He finds the gravity to be much lower than Earth, so he can jump around.  His warlike bearing and skill at arms soon earn him the respect of Tars Tarkas, one of the Jeddaks (chieftains) of the green men.  Eventually his travels take him to Helium, land of the “red men”, and he meets the Princess, Dejah Thoris.  He wins her love and her heart, and the rank of Prince of Helium, a title he uses in the next books.  By the end of the first story, he has to fix the atmosphere plant which provides the sentient races of the entire planet with breathable air – yet is suddenly and abruptly (again, never explained how) teleported back to Earth without knowing whether he succeeded or failed.

 In Gods of Mars he returns to Barsoom and meets black men – though they are not negroes, just apparently caucasians with black skin; and Therns, who are white men who wear blond wigs (see Carter disguised as a Thern, above middle).  This time he is catapulted 20 years into the future, and chases after Dejah Thoris, and meets his son by her, Carthoris.  Unwittingly, he has destroyed Barsoom’s major religion by revealing its goddess, Issus, to be mortal.  Dejah Thoris is imprisoned in a temple for a year, so we don’t know if she will survive.  Thus ends the second book.

 In Warlord of Mars, the story is wound up.  He continues to chase after Dejah Thoris (who did survive), who has been captured by a renegade black man and one of the Therns.  He finds jungle men (some variant of the red men) (what? No Tarzan?) and finally yellow men (not Asians, just white men with yellow skin) in the frigid wastes of the north pole of Mars.  There is a climactic battle in which his allies (of course) come to rescue him, very much the Martian cavalry of the story.  Like Conan, John Carter seems to enjoy a strikingly convenient supply of good luck which he, of course, is amply able to take advantage of to his benefit and the detriment of his enemies, who consistently underestimate him.

 While there are plenty of swords, I see no sign of sorcery.  Flying machines get their power from repulsion rays.  The flying ships are described and illustrated (see above middle) in a way which brings to mind the ones in “Return of the Jedi”.  All the technology has a curiously simple explanation like ERB simply made it up with a minimum of thought. Guns are rare; most of the fighting is with swords and spears.  Despite plenty of religion, no magic occurs and the one deity is exposed as a mortal.  Except for the green men, a race of plant monsters, and a race of white haired apes, all the races are pretty much different-colored Caucasians (no Blue Man Group, though).  The sex, to the extent there is any, is merely implied (how else would Carter have a son with Dejah Thoris?), although most inhabitants of Mars, including the women, are consistently scantily clad.  And ERB never explains how they got to Mars or whether any of the races are actually indigenous to Mars (unlikely, as they all need an atmosphere plant).  

Princess of Mars (DVD). Until 2012, this was the only actual film treatment of the stories.  Despite the fact that these stories were written before 1916 and have been known for ages, this film was made – apparently direct to DVD – in 2009.  John Carter is played by a soap opera heart-throb, Antonio Sabato Jr., and the only other major star is Traci Lords, the former porn actress, portraying Dejah Thoris.  I can appreciate her effort to find normal roles, but the reality is her acting stinks: she simply scowls 99% of the time like a female Clint Eastwood.  Although I found the overall acting in this to be equally bad, they did stick pretty much to the story.  Hell, they even came up with an explanation on how he got to Mars.  Give them a B+ for effort and a C- for execution.

 Recently Disney took a shot at this, with Lynn Collins & Taylor Kitsch (both in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”) as Dejah Thoris and John Carter, respectively, which came out in 2012.  This had an all-star cast, which also included Willem Dafoe (as Tars Tarkas), Thomas Hayden Church, and Mark Strong.  I liked it much more than the prior attempt, but the moviegoing public seemed to prefer "The Hunger Games", which I refuse to see for that reason.  While they took a few liberties with the plot, overall it was extremely well done.  Even Bryan Cranston (Walt White) is in here as decrepit Union cavalry officer.  Good job; more people should have seen this tribute to one of the earliest, most original forms of science fiction, rather than waste their attention on the completely unoriginal "Games".

Beautiful Women

Earlier I wrote a generic blog about women, without identifying any one in particular.  This time I’m naming names.  Some are actresses, some musicians, some both, or neither.  Forgive the omissions.  And the impressions are 100% subjective.  One more thing:  seeing how much I’ve heard of “Team Edward” vs. “Team Jacob”, not to mention various “Hottest Man Alive” magazine issues, I don’t want to hear any nonsense from women bitching about my judgment of hotness, i.e. passing judgment on physical beauty, or lack thereof, in women. 

 Danica Patrick.  I find her stunning, even if she’s not the best race car driver.  Not only her looks, which are obvious, but the intelligent way in which she speaks.  Now that she’s in the Nationwide Series (2^nd tier NASCAR) the attention to that series has skyrocketed, though of the “Danica Patrick and thirty-something other guys racing” nature.  But also check out Milka Duno.

 Sofia Vergara.   Hard to top her.  Natural E cup, stunning figure, delicious accent and incredible sense of humor.  Can we clone her?

 Madonna.  I was never that attracted to her, physically, nor impressed with her music.  Those bits with Wayne & Garth were a bit embarrassing.  She does know how to tastefully promote herself, and her videos show some intelligence and creativity.

 Kylie Minogue/Mariah Carey.  Both of them seem like arrogant divas to me.  KM is, by my standards, atrociously emaciated.  She looks like the kind of woman to bleed a man’s wallet dry for the sake of spending as much – or as little – as he has, no matter how much of her own money she may have.  Mariah Carey has more of the body I like, voluptuous with large boobs, but she also strikes me as ruthless; she married a record exec because it would help her career.

 Gwen Stefani.  Her top quality is her flat tummy.  Beyond that, I don’t find her very special.  Same with Katy Perry.

 Pink.  I liked her attitude, very spunky.

 Lady Gaga.  I think she has a killer body and a sexy attitude, even if she does act…”gaga” some of the time.

 Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  Yes, I’m aware that they were little girls on “Full House”, but now they’re adult women, old enough to have children even by modern standards (not medieval “14 is old enough, we’re all going to die by 30” standards).  Is it pedophilia to call them attractive now?

 Hillary Duff.  Same deal with her.  In fact, in many videos she looks like she’s in her 30s, deliberately so.  She was extremely delicious in “War, Inc.” – beating the otherwise babacious Marisa Tomei. 

 Vanessa Hudgens.  Another stunning young one.  Perhaps threesome material with Mila Kunis (see below).

 Britney Spears.  I still find her attractive, and very cute, no matter how white trashy she looks or behaves. 

 Christina Aguilera.  A notch down from Britney, but still cute.

 Shakira.  One of the hotter women – and she doesn’t give off this “diva” attitude.  That makes her even more desirable. 

 Beyonce.  To me she’s the black version of Shakira – as they were almost identical in the “Beautiful Liar” video they did together.  Schwing!

 Fergie.  The token hot chick from the Black Eyed Peas.  Hot hot hot!

 Nicole Scherzinger.  Don’t you wish your GF was hot like her?  The main brunette in the Pussycat Dolls is definitely hot.

 Amy Winehouse.  At normal weight and properly adjusted, she’s damn pretty.  But strung out and emaciated, just plain f**ked up, no thanks.  She strikes me as a decadent Jewess who could seduce a blond-haired, blue-eyed SS officer (damn you, fraulein!).

 Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton.  Two women whose sole claim to fame seems to be celebrities.  To me, Kim Kardashian is the hottest woman on the planet right now, though Jessica Biel gives her some stiff competition.  To her credit, Paris Hilton doesn’t take herself too seriously.  According to the tabloids, Kardashian and Reggie Bush are OVER, and she’s now dating Christiano Ronaldo, the soccer player formerly with Manchester United and now with Real Madrid (I have a few of his jerseys).  Lucky guy, if the rumors are true.

 Lindsay Lohan.  Here’s one I really go for – pretty AND hot.  Too bad she doesn’t seem to have her act together.

 Ashlee Simpson & JoJo.  Both them appear to be “Daddy, give me a record deal!” spoiled girls.  Modestly attractive with zero talent.  JoJo seems to be a Lindsay Lohan-wanna be.

 Jessica Alba. I find her to be a colossal tease.  She flaunts her body – “Sin City”, “The Fantastic Four”, and “Dark Angel”, among many other such films – yet won’t do nude scenes.  Her “nude” scenes in “The Sleeping Dictionary” (an excellent chick flick, by the way) were done by body doubles.

 Heather Locklear.  I never thought she was hot.  Pretty? Yes.  Hot?  No.

 Amanda Peet.  Actually very attractive.  I remember some celebrity was on Howard Stern way back, plugging his new movie which featured this actress.  Stern warned, “uh oh, your film is going to tank.  I don’t know why, she’s a good actress, but for some reason her movies always tank.”  She was in “2012”, but for some reason I didn’t recognize her.

 Charlize Theron.  I think she’s pretty, but not hot (no, “The Cider House Rules” did not change my mind about this).  But I can’t complain about her personality.

 Scarlett Johannsen.  I really like her roles, especially “Vicky Christina Barcelona”.  She’s the rare blonde who gets my attention.  Nicole Kidman is nice too – best in “To Die For”.

 Keira Knightly is definitely stunning, most so in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy.

 Rose McGowan is also hot, but I haven’t seen her around lately.

 Lucy Liu.  Along with Bai Ling, keeping a high standard for Asian women in the public eye in the US.  I really liked her in “Lucky Number Slevin”.

 Cameron Diaz is cute, but I don’t find her hot.  Same deal with Sandra Bullock.

 Demi Moore.  She’s always been cute, but now she’s hotter than ever, ever since her boob job and makeover around “Strip Tease”.   

 Rosario Dawson.  Very hot!  She gets it done. “Sin City” is great because it has both her and Jessica Alba in provocative roles.

 Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek.  Two nice Latinas – PC is from Madrid, Hayek is from Mexico.  Hayek definitely has what I consider the much hotter body, but PC is also attractive, and was very nice in “Vicky Christina Barcelona”.  Hayek’s top moment was (I know, groaning) “Dusk Till Dawn”.

 Gisele Bundchen.  Tom Brady’s supermodel girlfriend from Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil, the far southwest where German ancestry is fairly prevalent.  Although she’s Brazilian, I’m not that attracted to her – tall and skinny doesn’t do it for me.  Among the Brasileiras, here are a few who jump out at me as being the most attractive: Ana Paula Arosia (mainly does makeup ads and novellas in Brazil), Giovanna Antonelli (who Jenna Fischer, see below, resembles), Adriana Lima (Victoria’s Secret model) and Luma de Oliveira. 

 Mila Kunis.  Best known as “Jackie” from “That 70s Show”.  She’s done some good work since then, mostly “Extract” (highly underrated Mike Judge film which came out recently) and “Date Night” with James Franco.  And she can play a nice girl, e.g. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. 

 Valerie Bertinelli.  I always thought she was very cute, both on “One Day At A Time” (way back when) and as Eddie Van Halen’s wife, and even now. 

 Sharon Stone.  Along with Glenn Close, another woman whose beauty and attraction (fatal or otherwise) completely escape me.  Actually, I should distinguish them.  Stone and Kim Basinger are women who OTHER men consider hot, but I don’t, but their attraction does not baffle me.  In Close’s case I fail to see what ANY man sees in her.  She looks like a man.  Period.  Helen Hunt is another “huh?”. 

 Farrah Fawcett.  I was never into her.  I preferred brunettes, which mean Jacklyn Smith and Kate Jackson.

 Catherine Zeta-Jones.  GRRRR.  Aside from fame, money, and all that other stuff, what does Michael Douglas have that I don’t?

 Denise Richards.  Charlie, what were you thinking??? 

 Tawny Kitaen.  She was super hot in the Whitesnake videos, but somewhere along the line she went nuts.  What happened?

Sarah Silverman.  I think she’s VERY pretty.  However, her standup routine – shock the hell out of everyone with saucy language – has gotten old. 

 Alicia Silverstone & Liv Tyler.  The Aerosmith pair.  Liv Tyler remains a hot babe, even as Arwen in “Lord of the Rings”.   Silverstone is cute too, even if she has put on a few pounds recently.  But she was still nice in “Blast From the Past”.

 Carrie Fisher vs. Natalie Portman.  Sorry, I’ll take Leia over Padme (« panda bear, or whatever her name was ! ») any day.  What I really loved about Fisher was her WTF attitude, even in “When Harry Met Sally” when she wasn’t the bikini sexpot we drooled over in “Return of the Jedi”. 

 Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner.  Lopez is hot.  Aniston has a « girl next door » quality to her.  Garner has the same, but she adds the ability to be hot when she wants to (Electra & Alias).  Jenna Fischer (“Pam” from “The Office” is a hottie hidden in modest roles – “Blades of Glory” gives her a chance to show off.

 Pam Dawber is an odd one: TOO pretty and wholesome.  I can’t fantasize about her, I put her up on a pedestal as a Vestal Virgin.  Almost the same deal with Reese Witherspoon, Katie Holmes, and Maggie Gyllenhal.

 Julia Roberts.  Pretty woman?  Yes.  But she doesn’t set me on fire.  Especially when you put her up against Zeta-Jones (what was that movie??).  But she still beat Portman (“Closer”).

 Eva Longoria.  Easily the most delicious of the “Desperate Housewives” group, with Dana Delaney a close #2.  Of the “Sex & The City” four, I find Kim Cattrall the nicest.  She was also cute in “Mannequin” and the Police Academy films.

 Angelina Jolie.  She doesn’t make my tongue fall to the floor, Tex Avery style, but if she is anything like her computerized portrayal in “Beowulf”, I’d say she’s still 10x hotter than Aniston.  Jenny McCarthy is in her league, though I’m sure not everyone will agree.  Anna Nicole Smith got a bit too big for even my Rubenesque standards.  Pamela Anderson I think is very hot, no matter what her boob size.  Loni Anderson, though, I was never too impressed with, though she always struck me as a nice enough person.  I suppose it’s my anti-blonde bias, but I preferred the brunette on WKRP, Jan Smithers.

 Megan Fox.  Definitely a babe.  Jennifer Connolly is a more sedate, sexed down variant.  I have a particular weakness for black haired women with blue eyes – it’s a stunning combination.  Fran Drescher I like, even if her accent is a bit off.

 Among the older actresses, I like Julie Andrews, Sophia Lauren, Gina Lollogibrida, Lauren Bacall, Vivien Leigh (especially in “Gone With the Wind”), Raquel Welch (thanks, Starbrander!), Susan St. James (very cute in “Diamonds Are Forever” – Sean Young reminds me of her), Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepherd, Jayne Mansfield, Victoria Principal (Pam Ewing from “Dallas”) and Lynda Carter (best known as “Wonder Woman” from the 70s TV series).  I don’t find Ava Gardner all that attractive, or most of the 40s pinups, Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Betty Grable, Greta Garbo, etc.  I don’t know why, but Marilyn Monroe doesn’t do anything for me.

 For some reason, female politicians seem to be very intelligent but none too beautiful.  Golda Meir, Indira Ghandi, Margaret Thatcher (though I like her style), Bhutto (RIP), Angela Merkel.  I’m not a big fan of Sarah Palin (Alec Baldwin: “You’re way hotter in person!”) or Tina Fey, for that matter. 

Guitar Hero/Rockband

Some time ago my brother got a Nintendo Wii, and soon thereafter was playing Guitar Hero with a Gibson Les Paul controller (considerably lighter and smaller than his actual Les Paul Custom).  He played it for some time and enjoyed it, then we forgot about it for the time being.

 Guitar Hero/Rockband 101.  You pretend to be a guitar band, with onscreen avatars: with cute chick bass player (sometimes the virtual camera goes up her skirt, which distracts me), scruffy heroin-skinny male lead singer (looks like one of the Gorillaz), and some typical drummer; and your choice of different guitarist avatars.  The overweight punk is hilarious, but I prefer Axel Steel (my favorite), who looks like Bruce Dickinson on steroids.  On GH Legends of Rock you can pick Slash as an avatar – and the choice is nonexclusive, so the bassist can also pick him.  Dueling Slashes?  You bet!

 You can either pick and choose individual songs to play, or you can choose “career mode”, in which you start off playing your back yard, then small clubs, then more respected clubs, larger venues, etc.  The game makes various comic remarks about “setting cars on fire” and other rock excesses which reduce the amount your band gets paid for gigs, but anything like groupies or drugs are strictly off-“camera” as numbers, statistics, and purely abstract elements, and not part of the game experience: no “sex” or “drugs”, just rock’n’roll.

 The controller looks like a much smaller, plastic version of a famous guitar: Gibson SG, Les Paul, Explorer, Fender Stratocaster, Fender Precision Bass (no Rickenbackers), plus some Jacksons, Paul Reed Smiths, and other models.  For Rockband Beatles you can get Lennon’s Rickenbacker, Harrison’s Gretsch, McCartney’s Hofner bass, and Ringo’s Ludwig drums.  I haven’t seen any left handed controllers, though – including the McCartney bass, which is right handed.  And the guitar controllers have whammy bars, even on Gibsons which typically don’t have them on the real guitars.  I purchased a Stratocaster controller for Wii, which I was lucky to find at this late stage in the game’s life cycle.  There are also “skins” (overlays) you can put on the plastic guitars – dragons, CSA flags, Union Jacks, the usual subjects which are available for guitar pickguards.

 As the song progresses, notes come down the screen across a virtual fretboard.   You have to push the correct colored button(s) – out of five – on the fretboard along with the “strum” bar on the guitar body, just as the note hits the line.  There is a whammy bar which fortunately does not cause tuning problems, but I’m unclear if there are any score bonuses to using it.   More crucial is a “meter” which varies from green (doing well!), yellow (caution), or red – at risk for being booed off the stage in contempt and dishonor.  The more accurate your playing, the higher on the meter you stay.  Missing notes results not only in the meter dropping, but an audible gap in the music which is itself fairly annoying.  Although Rockband adds in bass and drums, from a guitar perspective I find Guitar Hero and Rockband to be almost indistinguishable.

 At the higher difficulty levels, the blue and orange buttons (#4 and #5) are combined in awkward and implausible ways, Z# chords only Alex Lifeson knows.  Note: skill at a real guitar – even if you actually do know how to play the song being played – has zero relevance to playing this game.  And Mastery of the Five Buttons will not help you on a real guitar with 6 strings and 22 frets (plus open strings).  It was this disconnect between the game and reality which damped our ardor for the game.

 More recently, Rockband Beatles came out.  We got it and tried it out.  WOW.  Instead of a fake band, RBB has the real Beatles: John, Paul, George and Ringo.  No sign of Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Jimmy Nicol, George Martin, or Billy Preston; nor any sign of Yoko Ono, although the liner notes imply that she participated to some extent in the game development (perhaps to veto any disruptive on-screen presence).  Moreover, you can progress from The Cavern, to the Ed Sullivan Show, Shea Stadium (’65), Budokan, Tokyo (’66), then Abbey Road studios for the “studio” era, finishing up with the famous January 1969 rooftop concert.  The Shea Stadium and Budokan scenes feature the 60’s era screaming female audiences (black hair in Japan), while the otherwise sterile studio sessions at Abbey Road are enhanced with dazzling psychedelic visuals.  Despite not having any potentially hostile audience members in the studio (perhaps Yoko Ono, off camera) the game still pulls the plug on you mid-train wreck if you drop too low into the red zone.  And on the rooftop, you can see various confused people down on the street looking up – bankers and barristers going about their business on the streets of London.   No screaming teenage girls in this part of the game.  Amazing!  In fact, the graphics are so good on this, that I find them a bit distracting and I enjoy watching others play the game so I can simply watch the extra stuff.  It’s that good. 

 Impressed with that, I decided to check out the other band-oriented varieties. There are, by now, several non-band collective additions, including, but not limited to, GH 3, World Tour, Smash Hits, and GH5, the most recent, and several similar Rockband collections, all of which feature the “house band” playing covers.  Among the band-specific games, although none are nearly as impressive as the Beatles game, they vary in execution.

 Rockband AC/DC.  No sign of the real band, so far as I can see.  It’s a fake cover band playing AC/DC songs, half Bon Scott era and half Brian Johnson era.  At the end of each song you “widdly widdly” at random to mimic Angus Young’s tiresome song-enders which add musically meaningless minutes to each song (which combined could be at least another whole song).  Likewise, “Let There Be Rock” features 2 minutes of “da DAH DAH” riffing until closing it up. 

            I was not impressed.  Since this is a band with unique stage presence, Angus Young in his schoolboy outfit, Bon Scott and Brian Johnson as lively, charismatic singers, and various props such as the inflatable Rosie, the Hell’s Bell, and the FTATR cannon, relying simply on a generic cover band is a particular disappointment.

 Guitar Hero Van Halen.  Eddie’s here in his late model short haircut and Peavey-style guitar.  The drummer bears a passing resemblance to brother Alex. I don’t recognize the bassist, but it’s clearly not Michael Anthony; apparently they subbed in Wolfgang Van Halen whose only claim to fame is being Eddie’s son.  The avatar singer is supposed to be David Lee Roth, but in short hair and a shirt and jeans, he bears absolutely no resemblance to any DLR we might recognize from the classic DLR era.  This is despite the fact that all the songs come from his time, i.e. Van Halen through 1984; none of the songs are from the Sammy Hagar albums or later.  Boo hoo – although I like Sammy Hagar, both as a rock celebrity (that is, he seems like a regular guy with no ego problems) and a musician, count me in the multitude of VH fans who prefer Roth.  My biggest problem with GHVH is not the absence of Hagar – or even Anthony – but that the singer doesn’t resemble the long-haired Crazy Dave we’re familiar with.  

            Having ripped them on the presentation, I’ll give them huge credit on the song selection, though; not only the DLR focus, but they picked the very best ones: “Mean Street”, “Unchained”, “Hear About It Later”, “And the Cradle Will Rock”, “Cathedral” and “Intruder>>Pretty Woman” and even “Eruption”, which can be played without the double-tapping.

 Guitar Hero Aerosmith.  Too bad I’m not a big Aerosmith fan, as this was very well done.  On the career mode, you play two non-Aerosmith cover songs (e.g. “Dream Police” or “I Hate Myself For Loving You”) as the stock Guitar Hero house band (including Axel Steel!) then play as Aerosmith themselves for two songs and an encore.  You progress from Nipmuc high school, their first gig, to Mike’s Kansas City (in NYC), to the Orpheum, all venues with special significance in the band’s history.  In between songs the band members talk about their memories of that show or time; they are remarkably articulate and charming.  Unlike the Van Halen game and its curious lineup deficiencies, this features the full band we know and like: Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Brad Whitford, Tom Hamilton, and Joey Kramer.  I’m glad they include my favorite song, “Uncle Salty”.

 Guitar Hero Metallica.  Also well done, also the full band, though with Robert Trujillo on bass – I don’t see any career mode with Cliff Burton, Dave Mustaine or Jason Newsted as alternate members.  Unfortunately the Load/Re-Load/St Anger/Death Man-getic era is heavily represented, about 40% of the material.  I do recall seeing the band on the Load tour, and Hetfield made some remark like, “you people [audience] like the old shit, don’t you?”  Perhaps I’m not the only one who isn’t that impressed with the later material.  Anyhow, this was well done and recommendable to anyone who likes Metallica.

 I’d love to see GH/RB Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, or King Crimson, but some of these bands would need a keyboard controller which I’ve yet to see; though seeing how the guitar controller works, a keyboard controller would be closer to how the real instrument works than the guitar controller is.  Rockband added in bass and drums.  I have no interest in DJ Hero. 

 No one’s asked me, but here are some ideas I have:

Guitar Hero WHO:  You can throw your guitar up in the air for extra points, demolish your drum set, or forfeit your hotel security deposit.

Guitar Hero Pink Floyd: Start off with Syd, strum the same chord throughout the whole song; have a whole middle era segment in Pompeii; late 70s (Dark Side, Wish You Were Here, Animals) with inflatable pig; then play The Wall show.

Rockband Deep Purple: The band members change DURING the set.  Wait? Is this Rockband Rainbow or Whitesnake?

Rockband Beach Boys: Unlock the bonus level in which Charles Manson joins the band – whether they like it or not. 

Rockband Black Sabbath: Ozzy doesn’t lose points for mumbling lyrics, forgetting them, or singing them in the wrong order. 

Guitar Hero Led Zeppelin: between phases in career mode, as a bonus you can unlock the fantasy sequences from “The Song Remains the Same”;

Guitar Hero Grateful Dead: Be ready for songs that go on for hours.  Remember that “South Park” Warcraft episode? 

Finally, Rocksmith.  Someone actually bothered to rig a game which can be used with an actual guitar, and I've played it.  Unfortunately I don't have an xBox360, and the selection of songs was very weak.

Poland vs. Russia 1920

I had briefly – and incorrectly – touched upon this in my Russian Civil War blog.  Warsaw 1920: Lenin’s Failed Conquest of Europe, by Adam Zamoyski, set me straight.  In April 1920, Polish leader, General Pilsudski, decided to take advantage of the chaos in the Ukraine as a result of the civil war to invade, mostly to maximize the amount of territory Poland would keep once its borders were established.  They made it as far as – and captured – Kiev, before being thrown back into Poland. 

             Now it was the Poles’ turn to sweat, as the Reds invaded Poland and besieged Warsaw.  Whereas Pilsudski’s plans and scope were limited to Polish interests, Lenin took a wider view.  Poland was the gateway to Germany, which was stewing in its own post-war revolutionary chaos.  If the Reds could reach Germany, they could kickstart the German revolution and possibly engulf Western Europe in Bolshevism.

             But the Poles kept their cool, regrouped, and took advantage of bad planning and coordination between the Red commanders to strike back.  This threw the Reds back into the Ukraine, almost wiping out the armies they had sent in.  Certainly it was game over for Lenin’s plans to conquer Poland and Germany.  Lenin quickly signed peace terms with Pilsudski, which freed up his remaining forces from this debacle to handle his White enemies in the Ukraine.  For its part, Poland was left alone until 1939.  Pilsudski himself took power in Poland by a coup in 1926, and acted as dictator until his death in 1935.

Dude, Where's My Hangover?

I saw “Hangover” a few weeks ago and realized the plot had been lifted from an earlier, Turner Classic Movies gem, “Dude, Where’s My Car?” featuring the Oscar-chasing duo, Ashton Kutcher (best known as “Kelso” from “That 70s Show”) and Seann William Scott (best known as “Stifler” from the “American Pie” movies).  Here’s how they break down – and sorry if I spoil any cliffhangers here, people.

 Dude, Where’s My Car?  Two loser stoners wake up, completely oblivious as to what happened the day before.  Their “twin” girlfriends (one of them is Jennifer Garner, these must be fraternal twins) leave them a voicemail message accusing them of being “sucky boyfriends” for forgetting their anniversaries and trashing their house, and threaten to withhold “special treats”, which the pair assume must mean consummating their heretofore sexless relationships.  But they did get the girls gifts, they’re just in the car….hold on, (wait for it…!) “Dude, where’s my car?”  Now they have to unravel the mystery of the previous day.  

            This turns out to include: a pot-smoking dog; a pair of tattoos on their backs (“DUDE” and “SWEET”); an improbably hot chick who claims to have enjoyed both of them the night before (Cristy Swanson) but who has a jock boyfriend (looks like Jerry O’Connell’s brother)(with similarly stoner-hating jock companions); a “gender-challenged male” stripper who accuses them of ripping him/her (?) off to the tune of $200,000; super hot female aliens looking for a “Continuum Transfunctioner”, whatever that is, and promise to provide “erotic pleasure” if they manage to retrieve it; a group of Z-named nerds wrapped in bubble-wrap space suits looking for the same thing; and a pair of Swedish accented Euro types also looking for the same device, whose “mystery is only surpassed by its power”.  The mysteries will be solved, of course, in an extremely stupid but only modestly entertaining fashion.  Indeed, the movie revels in its own stupidity.  Check in your brain before watching.

 The Hangover.  Four guys go to Las Vegas for their pal’s bachelor party and wake up completely oblivious as the entire last night.  Oh, here it’s FOUR instead of TWO: Phil (Matthew Cooper), a school teacher who is the most well-adjusted; Doug (Justin Bartha, “Riley” from the “National Treasure” films, also Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ “The Baywatch”-obsessed hostage in “Gigli”, which I’m sure all of you have seen – he’s actually dating Ashley Olson), the groom; Stu (Ed Helms, probably best known as “Andy” on “The Office”), a dentist who is mercilessly henpecked, controlled, and manipulated by his extremely unlikable fiancé; and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) the bearded brother of the bride, clearly the most insane and off-balance of the group. 

            Not only do they not know what happened – why is there a tiger in our bathroom? – Doug is missing.  Oops, can’t have a wedding without the groom, can we?  Sure enough, they have to retrace their steps and determine exactly what happened the night before.  We’ll meet Mike Tyson (whose tiger it was), visit the E.R., visit the impound lot where their Mercedes is, pull a Rain Man at the casino to come up with $80,000 to rescue “Doug”, and find out who Stu actually married in the wedding chapel and why he’s missing a tooth. 

            Despite having essentially the same plot as “Dude”, “Hangover” is considerably more intelligent, yet still deliciously twisted.  Back in 1999, I actually went to Las Vegas for a bachelor party.  We did NOT lose Phil, the groom.  I remember everything, and no tigers, Chinese gangsters, roofies or “e”, or other shenanigans occurred.  Keeping my mouth shut about it is unnecessary, as what little that did “happen in Vegas” can very well stay there.  In fact, I may as well tie this in to a third movie: “What Happens in Vega$”, featuring Cameron Diaz and…Ashton Kutcher.

            Each of them is coming off a failed relationship (of some sort), and they end up married in Vegas (doesn’t everyone?)  They also win the slot machine jackpot (doesn’t everyone?) but can’t agree to split it back home – conveniently they are BOTH from NYC – so divorce judge Dennis Miller sentences them to six months of marriage.  As you can imagine – “love at first hate, part XVII” – they hate each other at first but eventually fall in love (awwww).  Yet again, sorry to spoil the surprise for any of you; the full extent of the plot and substance of this film can be summarized as I just did.   

            I just saved you THREE entries on your Netflix queue.